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Saturday, August 27, 2016

False Victims and Choices

Earlier this week, I was thinking about "victims" I see online, and I was telling my fiance how absurd the mental process is for many of them, saying no one is a victim.  Of course, after I said that, I realized I was wrong, as there are TRUE victims out there, so I will reframe it for how it really is...INSULTING to true victims.

Now, first, there are true victims, but many of those that would shout..yes...I am one of those...are NOT.  True victims are those that are VICTIMIZED by others...people who are un-empathetic and cruel, and they have no power to fight back or flee.  They can do nothing about their situation, but they must endure it, and they did not see it coming.  It was a surprise.  Imagine someone robbed at gunpoint, a child abused at home, a person shot in a terror event, etc.  You get the point.

Then, however, there are those that throw themselves into this group.  They say....I am being victimized by my spouse.  My job is making me do horrible things and be quiet about it.  Where I live is dangerous.  Indeed, my older daughter considered herself a victim for living in my house, rent free while not working (at 21 years old) and my not paying for her to have the latest tech gadgets or go to the best comic con or be able to stay up.  However, these are not the realities of being victimized by someone (even if they are involved).  These are the examples of CHOICES that are being made.  You can leave the abusive spouse or job.  You can move.  You can get a JOB to pay for bills.  What they mean is that they don't WANT to make the choice and they serve as accomplice in their own lack and abuse by CHOOSING to remain in the situations.

The situation that triggered my discussion with my fiance, however, was this pattern that is VERY common and very stupid.  You see it often, and I won't even say specifically where I saw it.  A lot of people will enter a situation KNOWING it is not going to be fun, will be sacrificial, and will not lead to the best pay or whatever for their life.  And, I don't disagree with that choice.  In fact, I think it is noble if it is for a grand cause.  Loving, even.  Of course, this does not apply to an abuse victim, which is not sacrificing for a WORTHY cause but to enable their abuser to keep using there is a line, there.

However, take for example teaching.  I have considered doing that profession in the past, and I am considering doing it, again.  This is not the glory position that many think of kids that adore them, society that loves them, and everyone is happy.  No.  This is a job that requires lots of planning and preparation work for kids that barely will notice, there is almost no adult socialization, there is many critics (including parents), and the pay is low.  However, I would choose to do it as a sacrifice for the KIDS.  Others would choose the sacrifice for other reasons, illustrate what I am talking about...many will choose the sacrifice and, then, they will consider themselves victims for being in it.  Dude (or dudette) you made the choice.  Deal with the sacrifice.  However, after having made the sacrifice to do the job, they feel, then, that society or others owe them more for making it...which defeats the whole POINT of sacrifice.  It is what it is.  This is why many burn out.  Imagine two people that start teaching and all things are equal for them.  One chooses it as a sacrifice and consider themselves a martyr.  Indeed, they may even frame it as a religious choice (religion in general is another area you see this process).  The other knows it will be hard, but they are doing it for others and make the choice to accept the reality of it.  Then, they start facing the difficulties.  The "victim" of their own choice one will start saying they are being "persecuted" ...perhaps even by the devil..while the other one is just like...yup, know it was going to be this way.  Eventually, the "victim" becomes depressed and is so focused on what they DON'T have that they quit the job. While the one that accepted the job and the realities that go along with it will continue on, enjoying the places they CAN enjoy it.

Again, if you are in a situation where there is no good and being truly used by others for no noble cause, you are only a martyr to yourself.  Like....sacrificing for a company's bottom line or the glory of another is no "christian" sacrifice and makes you no hero.  However, when you do it for a classroom or to give in love to someone that loves you or to work saving lives (doctor, police, military, etc) that is not a life of a "victim" but a choice of love.

So, I hope this helped to clear that up a little for people out there.  YOU are responsible for your life.  Unless you are in a situation you cannot change, YOUR CHOICES is what puts you where you are and where you will go.  Either choose sacrifice for a worthy cause and the realities that go with that choice, or choose another direction.  Your life is up to you.

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