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Thursday, September 22, 2016

Let them judge you.. Freedom

Over the last several years, since my divorce and as I got older, I have realized something about interactions with narcissistic or self centered individuals.  You have to let them win...in their mind.. and walk away being judged in order to truly be free.

These type of individuals are absolutely certain that they know best and are right.  It is one of the things that defines their whole being, in fact.  They feel that it is their place to decide what is true and right for not only themselves but everyone else.  So, you BEGIN a conversation with someone that already has their mind made up.  When this is a person that has an impact on your days, this can be a difficult thing to get over.

These users and abusers of your time and being believe that you are good or bad, based on one thing...what you give to them.  It reminds me of a scene in Morgan, a movie about an artificial intelligence program gone bad.  The psychological testing man was talking to Morgan, who said that she loved this person.  He says (paraphrasing) what if I said I could free you...would you love me?  Then, he asks what if he said that he would recommend termination of the program, what impact would THAT have on her view of him?



I immediately saw every self centered person with whom I had interacted right in that scene.  GOOD is defined by what you bring to them...give to them.  Actually caring for the wellbeing of another and being willing to sacrifice to make them happy is not even a concept they consider.  If they have to GIVE, it isn't LOVE to them...when in fact, that is the opposite of the definition of love.  Love is a verb and it is ENTIRELY made up of giving to someone else.  That is the very definition of the word.  Love is giving, and that is true even of loving someone that does not give back to you.  That love is just not healthy, and that is where I get to my point of this article.


Now, the truth is that love SHOULD be conditional...but the difference is what is the condition.  It should not be like in Morgan based on THINGS you receive or desire.  The only true condition of love should be ...LOVE.  With that, you should not be lacking any thing (and if you are ..it isn't LOVE you desire either but things).  Without love being returned, you are just an accomplice to your own abuse.  They will define your love for them by what you give to them, leaving you with nothing and depression.  When you finally decide to leave, they will be offended...not because you stopped loving them as they stopped long ago if ever.  They will be offended that you stopped LETTING THEM USE YOU.  And, that is what they will miss.  Don't forget that.  If they ever contact you, after...and they will...it is likely that they only miss having someone to use, like a bully missing a weaker child to abuse.  What they miss is having a parental figure to give you all that they want, which is probably what they wanted in you, as well.


Anyway, as you leave, they will be angry for your leaving, and they will lie about you and judge you and do all kinds of things to try to get a rise out of you, including even acting NICE to you to get what they want from you.  However, ALL of this is done for one reason..to continue to use you.  If they TRULY loved you, they would respect your choice and want YOU to be happy and would give to make that happen.


Here is where the lesson I learned comes into play.  LET THEM JUDGE YOU.  I think there is an innate desire of humans to be proven to be right, and when someone is falsely condemning you, it is a slap to our name and identity.  We feel the desire to "set the record straight" and "prove we are right"...however, just consider for a moment what you would be winning.  If you engage in this argument, you have given their idiocy validity to debate, and if you convince them, you get more of ....THEM.  Is that really what you desire?

At least in my case, I have learned the peace of blocking my ex and walking away from conflict with an abuser.  Some would call that surrender, but considering what I get out of it vs what I get by engaging with them, I fail to see how it is anything but victory for myself and my future.  I think it is a lesson the world should learn, as well.  If someone hates you...let them.  As they say, you don't have to attend every argument to which you are invited.  Personally, I would rather spend my time with those that like me for me and being happy.

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