Friday, September 21, 2018

Dear Diary - Letting Myself BE Feminine

I do Tarot cards, having the gift of divinity from my earliest days.  You may dismiss it.  However, I can tell you that the cards have NEVER been wrong about what makes up my past, what is making up my present, or what shortly came to pass.  However, I haven't done it in a while.  I need to get back in practice.

One of my last readings was when I was leaving accounting and was starting to become ok with the idea of being less structured and doing things that I liked to do.  One thing that I remember from that reading was talking about what was about to come about, and it said the DEVIL card was about to come.

Now, for those that do not understand tarot reading and are from a Christian background, you may be big bad evil spirit is coming to get you.  That isn't what the Devil card represents.  It represents addiction.  However, I didn't understand what it meant, though...yet.

Then, I would spend the next several weeks feeling like I was not making enough money and searching for the next financial option.  As it turns out, one did pop up, and that was the Tulsa Teacher program.  After all, I told myself, I liked raising my children and had considered teaching for a long time.

Well, it soon became clear that I was not physically able to do that job or any major job, due to physical limitations such as high blood pressure and back issues....not that I really WANTED to be doing a JOB, anyway.

It would not be for weeks, before I would see what the Devil card represents in my addiction to falling back into the expectations of bowing to what others expected from me to rule over my own personal desires.  THAT fact... what had ruled over me, since I was very little, whether it be my father, my teachers, military men, other men around me, other women around me, and so on.  In my whole life, I have not even picked most of my own CLOTHES, till recently...till I married someone I loved that loved me for me and let me be me.

So, MY DEVIL or my addiction is the self-judgmental voice that has been created in my head from decades of hearing it from others.  While I am in a place that I can freely dispense with that self-criticism, I hear it from my past and hear it applauding when the local Evangelical Republican culture says something that it likes.  My life would be much better away from that food for my inner beast, but I cannot leave the area, until all my kids are grown up.  Till then, I must learn to control it.

So, I try.

However, as I try, I discovered yet a new wrinkle in my turtle shell exit of revealing myself to the world.  When I TRY, I find myself trying IN A DEVIL CARD WAY.  What do I mean by that?  I mean, I find myself trying by creating alternative justification BOXES, where it would be allowed.

Like...I say that I like driving, so I am an UBER driver.  Or, I say that I like writing, so I am a WRITER.  Or, I say that I like cooking, so that is like a home chef.  Or, I say that I like raising kids, so I am a teacher or a stay at home parent or....and so on and so on.

And, for a long time, I see nothing wrong with this exploration, except...I am not centering on one thing.  I am finding a lot of interests, but I grow weary of trying to UNIFY those interests into a career....ding ding ding ding ding.

Have you been paying attention to my blog?'s the DEVIL card.  Suddenly, I am back to feeling the need to quantify my interests in such a way that it satisfies the BOXES of those that need me to be in THEIR box how THEY think MY life should be.

And...that box MALE, since I was born with a penis.  Therefore, I MUST have a job, and as such I must have a career that describes WHO I AM.  Then, I feel that I am not GOOD enough, because my interests do not fall into a career...I call myself broken, and WHY do I say that.  I say that, because I am saying that I am not a good enough MAN. 

Did you get that?  In following my feminine interests, I judge myself a failure, because I am not a good enough picture of the man others think I should be. 

Now...the final question.

IF the reality is that I am too emotionally driven and scattered to be a well organized man, is the problem that I am not a good enough MAN or that I am too good of a woman to work as a man? 

I'll leave you to chew on that this week.

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