This is going to be more limited to my personal life, because it is my blog, and I can.
As I talk about moving forward to happiness, I am a direct application of my lessons and am living my experience on my personal journey. I have experience in the past and present of having to be in a toxic situation from which I need to escape. Even this week, I spent a lot of time walking for food, caring for a dog, installing AC units in rooms, washing family dishes, cleaning rooms, and more for a household and family that has rejected me. Last fall, my wife told me she didn't want to be in a relationship, anymore, after I had invested a lot of money, time, and stress into the relationship. However, her back was having major issues, and I knew that she was unable to pay for the bills of the house or rent or etc without me there.
Further, I had invested all that money, so I no longer had a house into which to move. So, I have spent the last 8 months doing things in a place I am unwelcome at my expense and moving me further away from my own goals. Even as I type, she is in there watching TV on a tv that I bought with my money with her kids in an AC room, while my daughter is a thousand miles away, and my room has no cold air. She is also stress free, having received an SBA loan for 4 thousand dollars, which I cannot use, while mine was delayed BECAUSE OF HERS I learned, today.
So, I have plenty of reason to want to leave just to leave the NEGATIVE situation, but since it is entirely possible I could end up being here for up to 6 months to earn enough money, I must continue to live in this situation. Further, I don't want to be negative all the time, pointing backwards to this horrible situation I am forced to endure..
So, I want to focus ahead, and I am thinking today that I need to identify the good that I will be going to....what IS it that I want to have, and who is the person that I want to become.
So, a little about me.
I am a sensitive guy, and that has always got me into trouble, because women WANT TO LIKE a sensitive guy and that has led me into many dates, relationships, and marriages. However, they don't want to FCK a sensitive guy, and they don't see someone caring for them as attractive but as an invasion into their territory or at best as a friend. Society has a term for this...friend zone. What that really means is guys that they lure and burn...over and over .. but don't want them to be upset about it.
So one thing that I would like, if I was going to pretend my happy place, would be a woman that doesn't see a stereotypical male when she looks at me and imposes that view upon me, regardless of what she knows about me. She sees me for the real me, and she enjoys those parts of me. She would tell me that she likes me, sneak kisses, touch me with passion, leave me notes of affection, and just ask how my day went and try to make it better. I have yet to have that as a reality in my life.
I would like to be rewarded for my efforts. Meaning, I would like others to acknowledge when I do things for them with gratitude or payment, instead of my giving both work AND my money to others....in effect PAYING to work for them. While you do get paid at workplaces, you often do not get the acknowledgement or the gratitude. Instead, my experience in work places is being criticized by those for which you provided effort.
I would like to be in my children's lives. This Fall, my daughter starts performing in band at her school in Florida. I would really like to be able to be present and film her and remember those moments, while I can.
I am a spiritual person. In the past, I completed a Bible degree at a college and have worked in churches. However, as I am diverse and tolerant, I often found myself excluded from the groups and their care. So, I would like to be a part of a religious group that SAW ME and even if they didn't agree could set that aside and include me.
I like nature. Whether it be sitting in a forest and listening to the wind blowing tree branches or laying on a beach listening to the waves, there is something about that that takes me away and connects me with everything. Indeed, I like to meditate, and I believe I am a Christian witch, because I believe in the energy of God in nature and feel him/her in me. So, maybe that group would be a witch group in Florida.
I like music. Whether it be creating a radio station or listening to music as I run, I get energy by that music, so it would be a part of whatever future I hold.
I like the arts. I really discovered how much I like watching ballet and the arts this last decade....with my wife that I now think was happy to just have me as a girl friend in her life at those events.
Yes...I know that it sounds like I am gay, and I am open to that potential, but I need time to explore that, and that is something I CANNOT DO IN THIS HOUSE.
I like earning money and investing it and planning for my future. I can start doing that, now, since even if I must be here I can invest everything I make, until I go, because....if it is her house, I wouldn't be expected to pay the utilities or rent. That's HER bill, now.
Well, I think I might be able to turn the AC on and go back down to my little room cell, soon. But, I wanted to give you a picture of me and where I am going.