I mentioned a few things on social media, and I thought I would put them into a post and develop them.
that you saw your child getting down on themselves, thinking that they
couldn't do a good job or wasn't a good person. You would immediately
let them know that you see a good person and start telling them the good
things that YOU see in them. This is something that most parents do
for their children. It is necessary, because they often go through the
day hearing criticism or comparing themselves to others. Even when they
are DOING much more than others, they do not notice, because the
critics are louder and more demanding of their attention.
a long time over the last few years, I have had to dig myself out of
feeling like I was failing... failing as a provider (even though I was
limited by selling car and caregiving needs) and failing as a
professional. Then, when my wife told me she wanted a divorce, I felt
like a failure in being attractive, as well.
day, I was reflecting on how much money I lost over the years in self
sacrifice to others. The thing about sacrifice for others is that you
are not allowed to mention it. When you do, it is seen as bragging or
ownership by those that receive your gifts. However, it also robs you
of seeing something important about yourself.
example, in the last decade and a half, I took at least 30 thousand in
student loans over tuition to pay for living expenses for years, after
my first ex had mental issues and before I could finish my degree to
fund the family with a job... expenses I covered for a wife that I would
not be married to in the future and who would seek every opportunity to
take from me, after.
Then, I put up my oldest daughter
in my house, paid for her college costs, and drove her to and from
college for two years, after she failed out of college and lost her
financial aid. After all of that, she chose to leave me, when I asked
her to get a job.
In the last 4 years, I have sold a
house ... severely undervalued to get the money.. for 5,000, sold 3 cars
combined at 7000, and paid for many dates and wedding costs for my
current wife that is leaving me. If I had never got married or had not
sacrificed for either, I would be living in a house with 40-50 thousand
in investments, right now.
Then, it occurred to me... I
HAD a house and 3 cars to sell and money for expenses. I HAD succeeded
as far as society definitions are concerned with both professional and
masculine expectations. Shoot....after that I took care of the house,
while grocery shopping, and buying for the kids when I was limited at
home, so I ALSO succeeded as a woman at the house. The fact is that I
had succeeded EVEN IN MY LIMITATIONS, but I didn't see it,
because....all I heard was the criticism...just like a child. I had
also lost all of my things for others that didn't respect me, so it was a
WASTE and BAD CHOICE to give them up.
categorically say that ALL self sacrifice is evil, but my life has
taught me that it is a thief of not only assets but self respect ... and
the respect of others, even those that took things from you. It is a
sad fact, but often the way you keep the respect of others is to NOT
GIVE TO THEM. If you do, you have nothing, and they are done with you.
If you don't, you continue to have things they admire and want. It
shouldn't take that, but that does seem to be the way of the world.
as you move forward, take this advice. Don't surrender your assets or
your respect to anyone, at least not fully. There will be lonely days
ahead when you get down, and you need to be able to look around and
say... know what? I am good, even if they don't see it. That is a gift
you can give yourself.