This is going to be a mish mash mix of reflections, as I have been super busy and have a lot of varied things to cover. In no order...
Relationships and Recovery
It is going to take some time to recover from the last couple years, I realize. It makes sense. I put all of my passion into something that will not be in the future, including sacrifice of assets and enduring of stress on behalf of others for things that no longer matter. I have a new friend coming out of it, but there is no other way but to see that the last several years of my life have been wasted and set me back in terms of trust and the progress I had made from the LAST emotional wounds.
However, it occurs to me that that is how wounds work...especially open ones. You must first remove the things that CAUSED the wound (which is only partial at this point), cover the wound for a period of time to protect it from other potential threats, and wait for closure. That's just how it is, and that is what must be done. No shortcuts.
Work and Income
Well, I worked my ass off (or more like worked ON MY ASS at a computer), and I proved to myself that I can not only pay the bills but put a little away each month just doing Mturk, Usertesting, Prolific, and other sources that I have in my mix. It won't provide enough for a car in short term, so I explored other additions or alternatives. I am still in the situation that I can't work for a company, here...if they know I will be leaving in a half year, and I can't apply down there. I can't get a full time professional income online, as those jobs are taken up by those that are unemployed or working from home. So...it is that it is. However, I applied to more Appen jobs, and at some point in the next half year I will get a few of those which will make progress towards my goals. If the 2nd stimulus that now even the President is on board with happens, those goals happen faster.
I have at various times referred to my "devil card" in Tarot that I have seen from time to time. It refers to you additions that drag you where you don't want to be and for me is the definitions of success that other have given me and what I deem will make me secure. At different times, it has been this job or that job that I was not physically capable of doing and attempting it took away even what I had. In this vein, I have sought full time office employment with accounting or customer service or such that has a lot of physical and emotional strain. The reality is that I am still dealing with an almost PTSD reaction from the last several years and have both high blood pressure and back spasm problems that happen when under great pressure. I am getting older, and it is time I slowed down.
I think you have to break down goals into steps. My immediate goal is to work for saving for a car...a good car that is not going to break down. Then, I can use that to earn even more by driving for Uber or Postmates or such, which as I noted earlier this year actually relaxes my stress levels instead of adding to them. Once that is going and I save up a little more, I can get a place in Florida, near my daughter. However, I am NOT JUST GOING THERE FOR HER. I used to live in Florida, and I like the culture, and I want to return to it. I look forward to working all day and in the free time doing things like the beach, baseball games, Disney, walks, and more. I recall them having beautiful sunsets, which I heard was actually from pollution but...pretty nonetheless. That is my life goal, and that is where I am going.
I spent a little time exploring housing options. I don't see it possible to buy a house under the current plan...at least not yet. However, I see that 1 bedroom apartments and renting mobile homes are quite cheap there, and I can definitely make that happen in my budget with a lot to spare. Even if my credit issues cause problems with all that, I can literally work out of a hotel room...why not? Free utilities and entertainment, and it is just me. Still exploring those options, though.
For the rest of the reflection, this week has been quite a frustrating experience of trying to keep a dog quiet and from destroying the house, ever time a firework went off. Even though fireworks are illegal in Tulsa (and I did file a police report), no one cares and it happens all week before the 4th. So, my sleep has been limited and disrupted.
However, I got a few deals on saving for streaming things, and I saw Hamilton, which was good. Yes, it is a bit of a mish mash itself, but I think it was made to have individual messages that apply to different people. Not all sections had something I could use, but there were parts that I thought was very good on which to think. For example, I liked the message that Washington gave Hamilton that he needed to realize no man can predict or steer their own fate and in the end others will tell your tale. Very true. You work hard for what you have in mind, but in the end others will tell your story how they want, good or bad.
Also, I liked when Hamilton was being tempted by 2 women to settle down and just be with them, and he pushed them off to say he wasn't going to throw away his shot. How I wish that I had done that, many years ago, and where would we be today without the things Hamilton did for the country.
And, that is what I will pick for my last point. Some will look at the life of Hamilton and conclude his life was a tragedy, since his passion ended up getting his son and himself killed. However, his passion ALSO created things that even his enemies admired and a foundation upon which we stand, today. The point is... just because something ENDS BADLY or is not pure (such as his affairs), it does not detract from the GOOD or the BEAUTY that a life can contain. For my own life....my divorces don't get to define the life that I lived or will continue to live. Things in my life were good at the time (including those marriages and the raising of my kids), and no result, act, or others can change that reality. We are not good or bad, but we ADD to the GOOD in our lives and the world, couched in moments of failure and disappointment. I thought others needed to hear that, as well.
I have been giving more thought to my sexuality, and I will continue to do so. I have said that I am bisexual and took the gender of woman for a while (since deciding male but not fully). Then, when I felt that I needed to focus on work and was not going to be in a relationship, I swung back to the male side harder than I really should have but in a way that was needed. The fact is that I have likes and personality on both sides, and I can't cut either side out without losing a part of myself. I like the body of women and imaging holding a woman and enjoying her body (and can imagine that even more being out of a relationship now), but I also like being enjoyed both romantically and sexually and can enjoy that with either gender.
I also like baseball and golf and some sports that I have ignored for years, because my ex didn't like them, but I also like the arts and Disney and comfortable clothes and looking nice and the conversation of women. I am becoming more and more aware that given my own personality, it is unlikely I will get a woman to provide that without becoming more masculine that I care to be, but it is TOTALLY something that could happen with being gay...so, giving that more thought.
Anyway, that's all for now. I will probably only blog once a week, now...maybe twice. However, my days will be pretty busy going forward. So, this may be the last till next week on this blog.