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Forward to Happiness Radio

Forward to Happiness Radio

Sunday, August 23, 2020

Positively Personal

 I have to pull back from my decision to not be personal, because I AM personality ... and am a person.  All of my life lessons are personal for other personal people. In one of my favorite movies, You've Got Mail, Kathleen says to Joe, "What's wrong with being personal.  Whatever something is, it should begin with being personal."  By not being personal with my present or my future, I am allowing my past to control it and not being personal with my past would prevent me from maintaining a foundation and allowing those that misused me or neglected me to own my years from that time... something to which they are not entitled.

However, I want to be more positive with it.  Neither the past or what comes is negative, no matter the events or starting point.  What did not work... did not work.  It is a lesson to be maintained, not forgotten, or you would find yourself repeating the error.. something of which I have done in the past.  So, I will talk about the past but in context of how I have grown from it or how to avoid it.

I find myself much happier in my new situation, and I look forward to the future, which is something I have not done in a long time other than before only looking at it for escape.  Also, AS I become more positive about myself and my future, I realize how much I let others determine not only how much I was able to make but how much I could value my choices and path.. as those choices interfered with what others wanted from me in the past.

For example, when I moved to a place to make more money, I achieved that goal and was living near Dallas with lots of opportunities for money and entertainment.  Yet, I was forced to abandon that for my ex's ex's demands, leading us to have new lease breaking debt and legal related expenses.  I sold my car 3 times that I was using for rideshare and delivery, ALL of which was paying more money than I am even making now, because my ex was not able to pay even her half of the bills, and I had to do a flexable job like rideshare in the FIRST place, because I was led to believe she needed me to get food at the grocery store, cook, clean, and even bring her ice because she was saying she couldn't walk from one room to another... so it was all the more frustrating to see her doing all of that on her own, after she rejected me (after all I did) without any physical issues.  

My point, HERE, being it makes me wonder what I would have achieved if I had been allowed to do a full time job or keep my car or etc.  Indeed, even my back would have had less damage on it from the forced moves where I personally carried everything or from walking to the store to carry back groceries multiple times a week.  In just the few days of not having to do that, I find my health greatly improved.

I am also finding I have less interest in being a feminine gender.  As I began to transition out of that situation my gender changed from feminine to binary, and I think it will be masculine going forward.  I think as I look back that the gender swap was caused by my compensating for what I failed to receive.  I was not honored or respected as a man, had to sacrifice my earning and my assets for someone that would not even TOUCH me intimately.  Now, that was from her past issues, but it made me feel that IF I was going to be desired, I needed to be LESS like the masculine type she had avoided in the past.  However, none of that worked, anyway, and I found her rejecting  me in part for NOT being the thing she disliked.

I say all of that to say this.  I am NOW in a situation where I CAN fill out my potential and see the fruits of my labor and investment and look forward to seeing and showing those PERSONAL successes to everyone else.

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