Friday, December 25, 2020

Christmas Reflections

 Let me lead off by saying I won't be talking about my ex's or the past, except in context of my rebirth, but I am going to try starting a Self Development page for my blog.. notice I didn't call it relationship or lifestyle, because I am not in a relationship and I am not suggesting any specific lifestyle for anyone.  This is mostly just to reflect on self development in the same way that I have written about relationships in the past.  However, I want to venture out of a place of defining yourself by who you have in your life but by yourself, alone, which you can THEN bring to relationships, if you so choose... or not.

Personally, I do like being in a relationship, and that has drawn me to my failed attempts in the past and is something that I think my personality really needs to be fully happy.  However, the reality is that I... and you.. existed long before our relationship and brought that self into those attempts.  If you allow any relationship to make you forget that or forget yourself, you can not only find yourself with less personal satisfaction and more dependency upon them, but you will also find yourself having less to offer them, or anyone.  The first and most important relationship to build is the one with yourself.  If you have that love for yourself, it will be impossible to be depressed by the judgements of others, because you will know your value, and you won't need them present to be happy or satisfied.  I came to that point of self development and self love after my first relationship, and I am feeling myself reaching that journey, once again.  

Christmas this year was different than any Christmas for a LONG time.  This is because I was married for a long time to my first wife, and we always had Christmas as a family with the kids.  Then, when I got divorced, I still had my kids for some of Christmas season (before or after), until I got custody of the kids, when I would still have time with them before or after they left, and when they were GONE I either had dating time, relationships, family, or friends to cover the period.  When this newer marriage ended, and when I finally had to funds to leave that house and be near my daughter in my old state of Florida, I was alone.  I was not in the same state that I had been, and I had no near friendships or family, and I had not been in that state with no nearby contacts in a long time.   Add to that the fact that my daughter has reached the age of being bored with parents and wanting to be near friends, and it gets very isolating.

And, so I reached out to friends online, which is a good thing, and I appreciate those positive reinforcements that I could find, because I was still doing what I am talking AGAINST in this post.  I was judging my worth and success by the others in my household, which had shrunk to one.  I will only mention that ex and that end to say this.. when she rejected me, it devastated me for a long time.... not necessarily because of my feelings for her but because she was how I defined by GOODNESS.. by how I provided for and cared for her.  So, when she rejected that, it caused a wound in my SELF VALUE, that I tried to overcome by success in other areas or trying to find others to fill that place.

However, going back to my earlier point... I existed BEFORE her and before my kids and before my first ex, and that person was good... IS good.. because it is who I am.  That goodness does not change, because someone else does not see it.  All it means is that that person is not able to value me, but... AGAIN.. I should not be getting my value by them or anyone else.

And, so... I have been working on that.  I am spending more time reflecting on things that I like, without having to justify that to anyone or hope that someone else approves to feel validated, because the things that I like ARE me and those likes are standardposts of my being and stepping stones to my rebuilt self esteem.  I have uploaded a few of my books, and I will be writing new ones as inspiration hits.  I have uploaded some of my pictures, and I will be uploading more in the weeks and months to come.  

I am watching shows and movies that I like, which has greatly cheered me up as I laugh to comedy that I have always like to watch, and allowed myself to watch as much scifi or romantic or even kid shows that I have always liked but didn't always watch, and I have STOPPED watching most horror, because that was something I mainly only watched for someone else. For example, I am watching Big Bang Theory on a continuing after work marathon.. sometimes 3-4 episodes a night.  It is not only funny, but it has shown me people that were happy with themselves, enjoying their interests, and even though they want relationships .. don't get the girls and are ok with themselves, anyway.  So, that's nice.

And, I am being the perfect (for me) mix of masculinity and femininity that makes me me.. no, I am not going back to considering transgender, as that didn't really fit me, as it can fit others just fine.  I am more masculine than feminine, but that doesn't mean I am going to stop myself from enjoying watching ballet or the arts.  I still will never want to watch boxing or hunt, and I will shy away from competition and confrontation.  Also, I will always value emotional connections over physical ones... I could be completely peaceful with just a warm embrace and holding hands, though more is always nice.  That is definitely a more feminine perspective.  However, I am also someone that likes to be respected, likes to provide for others, likes to be appreciated for that providing, has strong desires for personal success, and I really like the female body... a LOT.  ha.  That may make me odd, but.. IT'S ME, and that is the point.  If I am going to find someone that likes me for me, I need to not only LIKE me but SHOW me to the world and so should you.

Anyway, so this is the first post of my Self Discovery tab I will be adding in a minute to the blog, and I will have more posts in the days ahead.

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