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Thursday, October 28, 2021

Finding Love is a Scary and Dark Journey

This post and blog post wasn't meant to be timely with Halloween... it just turned out that way.  I wanted to talk more about the focus of the blog and a little more personal reflection on the realities we all face in trying to find new love after a rocky path.  If you have not watched my most recent playlist (Oct 2021 6), I would recommend it.  Like all of my divination led playlists, it is very fitting.  It reflects these issues, as well.

Going through a breakup sucks, and we all know that... that was the prior focus of this blog.  But, moving forward isn't a picnic, either.  You go from having a sense of security to instability to stability ... without a purpose.  I'm speaking from my heart, but I am sure it is true of everyone that faced this, even my ex's, because when you are in a relationship that person becomes a major part of your purpose.  So, when that is gone, it isn't just them but your past self that you were with them and the priorities of that person that has gone, as well.  So, it takes a little while to rebuild who YOU are, which is important before you can begin to decide what that person will want in someone else. 

It's also true that the person you are and the happiness you will want, now, is not the same as the person you once were with those motivations.  Recently, I saw an episode of Legacies where a girl was lamenting over a breakup with someone and she said that she wasn't afraid of change, because we all change. The best that we can hope is that we change in the same direction.  There is a lot of truth in that.  Regardless, what we can draw from it is that YOU are different, now.  So, what will make you happy is different, too.  And, that's a good thing, so that you are not just trying to reproduce in someone new the old structure and to try to make them into your ex.  Everyone is special in their way, and you need to be able to see how this one is unique.

Dating is a risky endeavor.  It's been called a battlefield, but I think that is too much on the defensive.  You are looking for a mate, not a struggle.  However, it's true that it's hard to know what the true motivation of others are or even yourself, since you are both influenced by hormones and needs for security.  It's also true that you can't know whether someone is a good match, until you try... and the odds are that it won't be a good match... which will leave you feeling like you A> repeated an error or B> may never mind someone.  But, it will always feel that way until you do.  Plus, if it was easy to reproduce, it would not be magical.  I've had two marriages, and I have healed enough to say that they were not mistakes.  They shared qualities with me and resonated in some needs.  I used to say that whether something lasts has nothing to do with the quality of it.  Ice cream doesn't last, but it tastes good.  So, realizing that things change and some things end... if something HAS ended, you are only wasting time you could be looking for the next wave by lamenting the last one hit the shore.

It's a good idea to get centered in God, again, if you had stepped away.  He is a good comfort and a good fixed point to help you develop yourself and to return to when attempts fail.  He ALSO doesn't want you to mope around but wants you to have an abundant life, so he is often pushing you into uncomfortable acts of courage... that has at least been the case for me.  But, those acts help us to take more steps forward.

It's not easy, though.  I won't pretend that it is.  About a hundred times this year, I look at the dating apps on my phone, maybe like a few pictures, and THINK about sending messages, but most of the time I just put my phone down.  A year ago, that would have been that I was not sure that the past was truly THE PAST, and I had hope of it reviving.  However, a year of no signs of life has led me to know that is waiting on a dead body to rise, and I'm not Jesus to raise the dead.  So, I have to move forward.  Then, it's hard to actually DO the flirting, because... what am I going to say... hey, I'm cool.  Like me.  I'm definitely not everyone's cup of tea.  But, I have a feeling that the one that WOULD work with me would need me to make the first move, so .. we are back at the beginning.  It's a risk that I have to become comfortable taking... and if you are a man out there, you too.  I say that because women can generally wait and pray for the right person to message them, but men don't have that option.

But, when you do get up the courage and step out into the risky darkness, you can't go there afraid and defensive, or you won't be able to accept someone in... and they won't see the true you.  So, stepping out into dating also requires you to learn to let yourself go, shine your happy light, and enjoy the journey to finding someone as a journey to ALSO find yourself.  Then, even if you don't find that person, you can count the days spent as a success in discovering and using your soul and emotions, and those qualities will remain long after each attempt.

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