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Sunday, February 6, 2022

Week in Review

I had several different things going on in my life concerning happiness this week, so rather than do multiple posts I will frame them as a week in review.

Monetarily, it was a good week. My week total was 584, which was slightly under my goal for the week, but it was enough for my budget I set for this week.  I had a few days of low dollar deliveries, but that's is to be expected.  I also spent more of my time delivering around lunch and less around dinner, and dinner is the higher paying time.  I will make some adjustments in the week ahead to change that.  Instead, I will do more breakfast with an earlier start time, less lunch (using that time for other personal and professional things), and more evening deliveries.  I think that will cause an uptick in the total.

That said, it was VERY therapeutic.... just being outside and enjoying nature and music while doing this job was so relaxing.  Each day I felt more muscles that I didn't even know was tense begin to unclench. I understand why it is that I kept saying to myself, "don't forget how you feel," in prior times of doing the job.  Indeed, I am earning money, but it almost feels like retirement, making me think of this period, instead, as my time of retiring from a high stress game in which I was always feeling like the loser.. with the added benefit of continuing to be paid.  My customers are not just paying me for delivering their food.  They are also paying me back for all the years of struggle for other people.  Indeed, on several occasions I felt more relaxed out driving than sitting at home by myself, since I have no one as a romantic interest right now.

Romantically, I have done very little.  I did renew Match because of a very cheap deal, and I do have memberships to two others that had not expired since I deleted them.  But, I haven't actually done anything with them in over a week.  I went out to the Casino with the one I dated that had already told me that she is only looking for friends, right now.  So, I stopped expecting that to result in anything else, already.  When someone is at that stage, the best they can give you is friendship and once you have a friendship, it's hard to see it as anything else.  So, I knew where that was going weeks ago, which liberated me to use the dating apps or etc. But, I haven't felt so inclined.

There are several reasons for this.  First, previously I was under the mindset that I needed to make myself a good provider with high income.  This career change changed that, as I am at the age where mentally and physically that goal is really not reachable.  Plus... and this is something that I realized when I WAS making more money.  It doesn't really work.  Instead of seeing you as a provider, they see you as competition and intents of being chivalrous is seen as mansplaining and making them feel unable.  This was, actually, a big part of my last marriage ending, so it brought up a lot of memories.  In that time, I kinda felt damned if I do and damned if I didn't, as being someone that wanted to be a provider was seen as threatening and being someone that gave up that to care for someone was seen as unattractive for not being masculine, enough.  So, I'm kinda in the stage where I need to explore what it means to be a man dating in his older years without the money or chivalry that I knew growing up.  It's a work in progress, and when I get a handle on it I will get back out there.

In revisiting my mentality when I WAS back on the "less masculine" me over the course of the last week, I did take time to post pictures from many times over my life when I WAS happy on my facebook... facebook.com/kenneth.clifton.  It's in a photo album called Good Memories I think.  Many of those memories have nothing to DO with my ex's or romance, though I did include pictures of both of my ex's and memories of our families at the time.  Even if they ended badly, the truth is that I was happy in that moment.  I made those choices of my ex's.  There were good times.  Then, it ended.  But, as I said in the past, ice cream doesn't last but is good.  Things can be BOTH good AND over.  I feel that I can finally sing that song from my week's playlist "It Must Have Been Love" which acknowledges love and its ending.  My life hasn't been all bad and now getting good.  It has been good at every stage with challenges in those stages, and I am sure that will continue to be the case.

Finally, I took Sunday off.  I was going to work it, but I do feel that it is important to continue to take it off to reset every week.  About mid way though the day, I felt recharged to begin the cycle, again.  And, I look forward to growing in every area and discovering new things as the week progresses.

 

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