If you have been watching me for a while, you know that I try new things... new blog pages, new focuses, etc. If they don't work, I pull back. It appears my attempt to move into video posts was just that kind of attempt. I think that there is a handful of other views than my own of those video segments on my Youtube. So.. I'll leave the ones that are there but stop posting them, as it takes longer to do them and upload than to write a blog. I have also made a minor change in my media that is really just recognizing what is happening. I renamed my Instagram that has political content and twitter with the username notpckc (Not Politically Correct and my initials). The other Instagram will stay the same.
So, it's back to blogging, here, but there will be a change. I'm going to be a little more edgy with my content, just as I am holding no punches politically to challenge all sides. For a long time, I held back saying one thing or another, because it would offend one group or another. However, life has taught me that people leave.. either romantically or friends or groups.. when you do not validate them. So, what is the point? I definitely shouldn't be holding back land mines against happiness in a blog about finding happiness, or I am guilty for the mistakes others make.
For example.. I have criticized my last ex for her abrupt dumping of me a few years ago, and then I felt that I was being too critical or not giving her the benefit of the doubt, so I retracted much of what I said. Indeed, over the years I gave her multiple opportunities to reconsider and for us both to do counseling, which she rejected even as she was presenting herself as the victim to her social media. However, what I saw this week changed my understanding of who she really was and just how much I was deceived over the years.
I was exploring social media and decided to check out TikTok, again, to see if it was worth my time to be involved with it... it's not. However, I recalled that she had an account there, so I went to check it out. On Valentines Day, she posted a video with her wearing very little (not a new thing) but this one had her saying that she would really like to be cuddling with someone, but that someone was "not single." This burst several fictional bubbles at once that she had given me over the years.
First, she always presented herself as having pure motives and a caring heart and got offended when that perception was challenged.... a presentation that I already began to challenge when she showed no emotional concern for me or care at all after she decided to end it. However, here she was openly... on public social media.. saying that she wanted to have an affair with someone in a relationship (or marriage). It wasn't a private confession.
That leads to the second bubble to pop. I had already noted this, but she used to say that she didn't flirt with me or touch me in our physical acts, because she was an introverted person with issues from her past that would stop that. Yet, here she was wearing very little on a very public social media saying to the world that she wanted to be physical with a person in a relationship. Meaning.. she was always able to be doing those things to me.
My problem with this video is not that she was interested in someone else. The reason it had such a big impact on me is that what it showed me is that the person that I thought I knew all of those years was a fictional presentation by her to get me... when she needed someone to get her out of living with her mother after her divorce. Though, there are some elements of her that have definitely stayed the same. When we were together, she never wanted to watch the same movie or tv episode twice.. it always had to be something new, because she would be bored of the last. My marriage and its end was just another example of that fickle personality. She can present herself as being a victim of her past or having complex issues to get sympathy, but the reality ... apparently.. is that she is just a distractable, disloyal, and uncaring bitty that justifies her distraction by condemning others to get her exit.
So, I am going to stop feeling sorry for her or feeling wounded by her. The reality is that I never KNEW her, and it's time to move on to someone more stable.