I wanted to do another blog post on one of the biggest things I learned that helps you be able to reflect positively on memories from a relationship with an ex. It's something that I haven't really heard from others, but it is something I have seen in my own life is very true.
How many of you have the experience of having a bad breakup of a relationship or a marriage? I think that most of us can relate to that in some way, and the longer the relationship... the more this blog will have an impact on you. I'm betting that many of you can remember the anger that you felt. Both sides feel anger in a relationship. There is a myth that you can remain "friends" after a breakup, but many of the times that is mostly a claim of the one that initiated it to feel better about themselves. Ironically, that leads us down the path to this solution. When you felt anger, who did you think was the source of the anger? What if I told you that it's likely that your anger is actually towards someone else?
After about a year and a half of processing and attempting to heal, I realized something about my own breakup and most breakups, actually. Even though I felt that my anger was at my ex for giving up, what I discovered in self analysis was that I was actually angry with MYSELF. Why would I be angry with myself? I was angry that I had ALLOWED myself to be hurt. I was angry that I had "missed red flags" or "opened up too much" or such. I was angry, because I had been vulnerable... and was trying to prevent it from happening, again, by not making the same "mistakes." But... wasn't I involved in every decision? What about the person that I was in that relationship making those choices?
That was when I realized that after a breakup I felt that I was calling ALL of that period bad... including the me that was making the romantic gestures, being open, the sex, and more. But... was I bad for those things? Indeed, I realized that when I did that, I was hurting MYSELF much more than she did, because I felt I had to start over in not only building new relationships but rebuilding MYSELF, because I didn't trust that old self, after being hurt.
The reality, I realized, was that I was good in that relationship to try... I was good to open up... I was good to romance and expect. All of those memories that I had cherished when I was with her contained ME in those memories. Why should I allow an ex that rejected me to steal that ME from ME?
There is a Doctor Who line that I love and have quoted many times, when Matt Smith's Doctor was about to regenerate. He said..
"We all change, when you think about it, we're all different people; all through our lives, and that's okay, that's good, you've gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me."
And, it's ok for us to love OURSELVES in situations that did not remain. It's ok to retain the good memories, even with those that are no longer in our lives. BECAUSE, when we learn that who we really hate is ourselves and forgive ourselves for taking the risk of being vulnerable, we can use those emotions and vulnerabilities, again. If we don't... we will find that we won't even let ourselves feel it listening to music or watching movies. We will find that we gave our past power over our future. We will find our ability to love is controlled by those that didn't love us, and how can that be good. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Reclaim your joy with them, so you can find joy, anew.