Monday, July 4, 2022

It Isn't That It Isn't

 As you progress towards your goals, relationship or otherwise, it is important to keep the proper perspective.  A long time ago... maybe a decade.. I created a meme that had the picture of a young woman mixing chemicals in a science lab and on that picture I wrote, "It isn't that it isn't."  This is based in the common phrase that "It is that is is," but it is focused on the reverse.  As I have gained experience in life, I have found that to be an important counter weight to make sure that you don't make foolish mistakes.

People have a phrase that cautions against seeing the world through rose colored lenses.  It means that you shouldn't see things based in hope and not fact.  I don't fully accept this premise, because I think it is important to have hope and to envision things that could be in order to drive you on and add magic to your days.  I did a blog post about that, recently.  However, the counter point to that is that you must envision things that CAN happen or are within your power to make true.  You should NOT spend your time trying to change people or change their minds.

When my last ex decided to end it years ago, my first reaction was to tell her that I didn't accept it.  In my pride, I said that it was my home as well, and she couldn't make me leave.  That was a horrible attitude that took less than a day for me to correct, when I told her that I would accept her decision and not force something to happen that she did not want.  What would be the value in trying to have a relationship against choice?  If love is not born out of mutual desire and commitment, it is fake.  If I wanted to have a FAKE relationship that I could control, there are numerous apps out there with AI's that will do just that.

A lot of times... that relationship included.. we see things as we want to see them in the beginning.  Then, when things fell apart, we say that they "changed," when the reality is that our PERCEPTION changed.  Many times, the failure lies not in the other person but that we didn't really SEE them for how they were.  I don't mean that as a slam.  I'm not saying that you didn't see that they were a horrible person.  I mean that we assumed they were thinking or caring in a certain way that was not native to them.  My ex didn't express her emotion that much, but I assumed that she was feeling things as deeply as me and just not saying them.  Even after the breakup, I assumed that she was missing me and wanted to be with me but was prevented from reaching out for her mental or emotional hangups.  

One of the things that helped to wake me up from that was when it occurred to me that she was out there doing instagram and Tiktok videos in her panties and bra and that indicated that she WAS capable of being romantic.  She did public displays of it multiple times a week.  She was also able to initiate flirty talk, as I would see her telling others on social media how sexy they looked or more.  You could say that it was just social media banter, which might be true.  However, it indicated, again, the ABILITY to do those things.  When I combined that with the fact that she had refused marital counseling to save the relationship, had not reached out to see how I was doing or at all for that matter, and such; it became clear that my absence wasn't bothering her at all.

As I progressed and continue to progress in my new adventures, I have learned that while I should have faith in my future, I should also continue to be objective and BELIEVE the face and words being shown to me.  If someone says they only want to be friends, I believe that, unless it were to change but that would be a change apart from my own influence.  Friends are good.  Friends are needed, so no one should dismiss one for not being other than that.  But, as relates to romantic potential, it begins and ends with this.. "believe the woman."  Otherwise, you could find yourself wasting years believing something is there or trying to create something that doesn't exist, and trust me... that's not good for you, them, or the world around you.

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