Sunday, July 17, 2022

Might as Well Jump

Two years ago, I was preparing for my relocation to Florida.  I had just spent, by that time, about 9 months in the same house as the woman that had decided to end things with me and would not in those 9 months make any attempt to reconcile.  In fact, she did nothing at all with me.  Very shortly after she had made that decision, I moved to the other side of the house, because it was stressful to have to be in the same room as the person that didn't want me.  However, that didn't help much, either.  I was still hearing her carry on happily in my absence as she prepared dinner and talked with her kids, which echoed through the house.  That was like hell.. first being rejected (even offer of counseling rejected) and then having to hear her happy without me... the same kind of happiness that she was with me.  But, seeing how easy it was to delete me from her life just led me to realize how impersonal her connection with me was.  I was just an outfit to wear, till I clashed with her new style.. to put it in her instagram influencer language.  

It built till I had do something, and so I gathered my savings and JUMPED to Florida, following my daughter that I had sent to my other ex for a stable life, knowing my own life would be rocky for a while.  And, rocky it was.  When I arrived, 1 year and 11 months ago, I had a suitcase with me and enough savings to buy a car here and begin delivering to pay rent at a very cheap weekly pay hotel in a bad neighborhood.  It was scary and impossible to walk the sidewalks at night.  The hotel literally had bars and fences surrounding it, so you had to enter through the office, and I couldn't have overnight guests.  My weekends with my daughter at that time was only days.  However, even in those conditions, I had the peace of knowing that I wasn't living in a house of rejection but a foundation of potential.

One of the songs in my 80s rock playlist that I created for this week is Van Halen's Jump song.  I want to use that to highlight the point of this post.  It can be scary to take the "leap from the lion's head" as they put it in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  For months, I knew that if something happened so that I couldn't deliver or affected my health, I could be homeless.  However, as Scripture says, "It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman." (Prov 25:24)  This was a visual illustration of the meaning of that verse.  I didn't have much, but I had freedom from feeling not good enough.. bound condemnation.

One thing that I knew at the time was something that I have known for quite some time.  Whatever comes my way, I was able to adjust and bounce back.  I have had a LOT of experience in doing that, so I knew all it took was the will and creativity to make it happen.  It took some time, but I have gone from step to step in that personal growth of increase.  Each time, I felt that I had done great things to just make the next step.. go from weekly to monthly at the bad place. Move to a better weekly place.  Go to monthly, there.  Work at this job or that job.  Get a better car.  Etc.

Then, about 6 months ago, I mentioned online that I still think about doing teaching and someone fueled that interest.  Here I am about to make that a reality, two years from being in absolute poverty... all because I jumped... first a jump to move here and then a jump to change careers to a long lost career goal.   Even after, I was in the teacher program, and the professor challenged us to go out and get a job while we do it, as the district needed teachers.  I have never student taught, but I JUMPED and got the job.

Jumping has become how I approach things, because I have learned that my achievements rely upon my taking the leap of faith to try.  It's how I got both of my wives, my kids, my degrees and training, my jobs, and more.  So, yeah... I make mistakes along the way, but the mistakes are evidence of a hopeful heart.  It won't always be pretty, but I'm pretty sure that is the ONLY way we EVER improve.  I still have anxiety about running my first classroom, but I'm ready to JUMP, not only into the learning experience that it will present but towards all that I desire, because not doing it would have me living in the shadow of rejection of a path that didn't see me for the miracle that I am.

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