It's been several weeks since my last actual blog post on this blog. At first, that was because I was busy with teacher preparation and beginning dating someone that I wanted to give my focus. Then, it became preparing for teaching and dealing with a sudden end to the dating that reopened a lot of old wounds from my past. As many know, my last marriage ended when my ex, with whom I thought all was good, decided that she didn't want to be married any more and didn't want to talk about it with me or a marriage counselor or anyone. Just like that, it was over. She would then cut me out of her life, block me, and go about her Instagram influencer career modeling underwear and showing publicly the kind of intimacy that she claimed to be unable to show me.
Fast forward to recent weeks, when I began dating someone with whom I had been friends for over a year. She was fresh off a divorce, so I had been hesitant to begin AT ALL, as that is a BIG red flag. However, she said that she had been separated for years and was showing signs of being happy, independent, and able to invest in something new. So, we dated at like... record speed. Again, it is not something I would have done, but she was suggesting each new time we were together and was saying a lot of long term things, like telling me she wanted to get married on a beach in a white wedding dress someday, hinting that I should wait on getting into an apartment and suggesting that her place would be near my work, and asking that I stay over a weekend. At the end of that weekend, we went to church where she got quiet afterwards. When I inquired and asked if she was having second thoughts (because her daughter had also said she didn't want her mom dating right now that weekend) she told me that I was just experiencing "false evidence appearing real" (FEAR) and that all was well. THEN, on the way home, she told me that at church she "felt God" at church and was stepping back. When I tried to call in reply to her text, she refused the calls. And... that was that. It was the first time I had faced a breakup because of GOD, but the sudden change was very reminiscent of the end of my last marriage.
So, I spent my first week of working as a teacher dealing with THAT, as well. The work gave me and gives me time to think, between my busy times. I have also started watching The Sandman, which has served a good purpose to think on issues of fear, faith, dreams, pains, doubt, and hope. I am still working through it, as you can tell in my last playlist, but I will say this. Hope is indeed a fuel for inspiration and action, which can produce growth, change, and successes. I've always said fear accomplishes nothing, as it paralyzes you from taking actions to adjust. Yes, it hurt and opened old wounds. But, those wounds were caused by poor choices on my part and serve as good learning lessons for the future. I am not ready to jump back into anything, yet. However, I can still feel my heart and hope and can believe that the story is not over, yet. I still hold the dream, and when I am ready I will begin again with added wisdom.