I thought I’d take this moment to talk about some things I’ve seen on dating apps and errors that I’ve both seen and sometimes even made. I can do this, because I have a lot of experience between now and before my last ex and do not have anyone currently (if I did talking about others I have seen would be rude).
Ok, so sometimes I have had chats where it’s more like an interrogation…. “Tell me… how many people have you dated… why did it end.. how often do you talk to your parents.. ah so you have a busy life .. what is your longest relationship.. etc.”. When I start hearing that line, I often start backing away, not because I have bad answers but because they are both comparing you to an ex or trying to find fault with you. Someone determined to find fault will eventually do that, even if they have to create it in their mind.
Or, sometimes, you get people that are seeking a long term relationship but are looking for it… RIGHT NOW and want commitment from the earliest days. I have at times been influenced by this temptation in the past. But, that comes from fear and control. The fact is that no real relationship with a foundation can happen without time to build interpersonal connections and likes based on conversation. If you skip that, you will both be building a connection on illusion/projection and be opening up yourself to an unstable foundation. You have to give it time to happen AND be ready for it to not happen and maybe have a friend. During that time, no one will be exclusive.. at least not for the beginning. That’s too much to ask for a maybe. You give it time and if it’s right and both agree, you can then do that.
Also, there’s a lot of feelings of rejection that happen on dating apps, which leads many to become defensive and cautious to the point of putting up walls. Again.. I’ve done this too… often. But, that’s shooting yourself in the foot.
There’s a movie I have noted at times and will watch, tonight, called The Secret Dare to Dream. It’s a fictional movie with Josh Lucas and Katie Holmes. One of the main takeaways is that we attract what we project. If we are negative and defensive, that’s what we will get. We have to look forward to what we want and not back at what we fear. We have to be ourselves to attract those that would like us for us.
It’s hard to take risks, but that’s life. When things don’t work, it’s not a failure on our part, because we tried. We just need to set that attempt aside and try again, till we find the combination that WILL work. It’s messy, but it’s the only way it works.