Saturday, September 10, 2022

I Love That I Suck

Over the course of the last few days, something occurred to me that is impacting how I see myself and life in general that is pretty neat.  It builds off the last post that I did and is similar to the "confession" post that I did months ago about how admitting you are wrong to someone actually leads to a happier path.  This one is slightly different, though, and applies to a greater amount of our lives.

There is a scene in a movie that I like called Keeping the Faith with Edward Norton, Ben Stiller, and Jenna Elfman.  In the movie Ben Stiller's Rabbi character is trying to comfort boy that is practicing for his ceremony and the boy says that he sucks at his part in it.  Ben Stiller tells the boy that God knows that his voice is changing and more at that age, so he should embrace the suckiness.  He leads the boy out of the room chanting, "I love that I suck."

What I was realizing is just how much time and stress we spend trying to act like we have it all together and are already our best selves, when in reality there are very few if any to which that applies.  There's a song that was also in a recent playlist of mine that says, "I like that you're broken like me."  That's very true, because if we are looking for someone that is completely healed and completely ready to date, you probably won't be dating anyone.  Sometimes, it helps if others can relate to our pain.

I'm also learning at a new job.  My first conference with my principal, I was trying to maintain an image that I had it all under control, but... teaching is hard.  Many quit.  If you look around at other teachers, they are struggling, too.  So, I went into the second conference admitting that I have a lot to learn, which is of course true with my struggles with it.  They aren't looking for someone that is perfect.  They are looking for someone that can admit they have a lot to learn.

In my last blog post, I was talking about how I had begun using dating apps and sending messages with conversations that may not last, but it provided me a safe place to fail and learn.  I stand on that truth.  I also re-watched The Secret Dare to Dream, and one theme of that movie is that if you stop letting focus on fear and the past stop you, you can show your true self out for others to see and maybe like.

I'm kinda awkward in some ways.  I definitely can get emotional, but I consider that being passionate about things.  I can go on and on about things that I think, but I see that as being deep and reflective.  I am passionately independent politically and objective in other disputes.  Some would see that as being wishy washy, while I see it as being an honest thinker with convictions.  I'm not as thin or athletic as I used to be, but for someone of my age... well... I think I'm a score.

There's another song by Sabrina Carpenter and Alan Walker called One My Way.  In the song, she says, "I'm taking my misery, make it my bitch, can't be everyone's favorite girl."  That certainly applies to me as a man, too, as I am not the muscular, sports headed (even if I do like some sports), hunter that chooses a high income job .. rather than the more sensitive me that left accounting and works in Education... Elementary Education at that. 

I also have a dirty mind.... I'll admit it.  There's another song I like by Inna that says she doesn't need anyone's help to enjoy her body, and a song called Love Myself by Hailee Steinfeld that speaks about knowing how to scream her own name.  I may have been separated and then divorced for almost 3 years, now, but I have had more and better orgasms on my own... OFTEN... after.  Being single provides a blank slate for exploring sexual fantasies.  And no.... despite an article that says most people fantasize about their ex, that is not the case in mine... ever.

So, the point of this is just that you can fight your imperfections and always feel blocked and shamed by them, or you can choose to accept that you are a work in progress and take the time to enjoy the journey on the way to where you want to be.  Instead of waiting till you are ready, charge forth, chanting that motto from the movie on your way, "I love that I suck!"

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