Tuesday, September 27, 2022

Things I Learned from Failed Relationships

I have talked about my ex's and some bad examples of past dating (not all of them), anonymously (no one knows any of their names), if there was things to be learned that can help others.  However, they mainly focused on procedure more than substance.  For example, I talked about the faces that people show at the beginning and making sure to get past that to know who they are, really.  Or, I talked about how one that I dated was talking very seriously and then wham dumped me on a text on the way home and basically said God made her do it.  But, there are other things that I have learned from past experience that must be there or cannot be there.  I thought I would go through a few of those for others... they are present in my mind whenever I begin as a check.

Interest

I have noted this one in past blogs.  It comes from my experience with both of my ex's.  In both cases, I learned they were much more interested in what I could provide them than in me, specifically.  Thus, it was easy for them to either turn on me or forget and replace me.  I've had other dating examples of this over the time between my marriages and after, where I was being judged not by whether I was interesting to them or out of concern for me but from what they could gain by being with me.  It can be hard to determine this for someone, but you usually begin to see it when schedules or priorities clash.

Also in this subject, there are two kinds of interest, I have learned over my years.  Even if they are interested or have care for you, personally, they still may not be interested in you as a mate.  It's two separate things for someone to care for you as a person or think you are neat as a friend, and someone that wants to kiss, hold, or romance you.  Indeed, I have learned that many of those that get the desire don't care for them back, and they are critical of those that they desire.  I've heard many spouses talk bad about their spouse, but they desire them and are desired by them.  Likewise, many care for someone but really just want the close friendship.  Friends are great, but I want to be wanted.

Priorities

Speaking of priorities, my ex's had time for me when they had time for me.... meaning, they had done everything else that they wanted to do and THEN had time for me.  In the case of my first ex, she was working all day and had the only car.  She would rarely reply to texts, and she would come home late evenings, when I had to go out and do grocery shopping at midnight at times.  We moved when she had a job in another state, without interest or concern of whether I had an opinion on moving or a life that had to change.  Indeed, when I was still in the military, she left and went to another state, because she had a job offer, while I was still in.  Our daughter had to go live with my sister for a time, until I could leave service.  It makes you feel of little value, when the other person of whom you value values you lower than other things.  Of course, you can see this in money, too.  But, you have to be careful.  If they have a LOT of money, a gift from them might seem a sign of value, while to them it is just a day at the store.  I made that mistake with the "God told me" breakup.

Time

This is separate from priorities, but it is also very important.  Do they have time for you?  That CAN be a sign of priority, but it can also be a sign of a life that just doesn't have the space in it for you.  There are only so many hours in a day, and depending on the other things in their life that needs to be done, you could find yourself alone a lot.  I can tell you from experience that it can be a living hell to be in a "relationship" with someone and yet be more alone than many single people with friends.  You can't really talk to others much, and you can't talk to them.  So, that's a separate red flag for me.

Need

I've seen many on dating apps and etc that will say something to the effect of saying, "I have a happy life and don't need a man, but I want someone to do things with."  Indeed, many feel that they first need to be complete in themselves, before they start looking for someone else.  But, what's the point of that?  Relationships are meant to be two people that fulfill each other... receive from each other and give.  If you are complete on your own, why even begin one?  Again, that goes back to either friendship... or even sexual need... that can be fulfilled by others or in other ways.  I may be able to pay my bills and do things on my own, but I still desire someone that likes spending time with me, even if we are just sitting on a couch watching tv ... and not for the tv, either.

So, those are just a few things.  They are not born out of anything other than my reflecting on my past and what I need to keep an eye for in my future.  It's why we take time to see if things work, before we conclude anything about anyone.  Doing that too soon can definitely be a mistake and one that I have made, before.



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