Balance

It was weeks after my youngest daughter was born that I was first introduced to what Mania could look like.  Before that point, I had only thought it was a phrase.. "just another manic Monday".. and to be honest for most people it is.  Then, I woke up to find my ex wife (wife at the time) with writing all over her body and the walls and most of the writing didn't make any sense.  She was also speaking in words that didn't make any sense.  Having no experience in what this could be, I took her to the ER, and they put her in a mental clinic connected to the hospital.  Within 10 days, they had her back to mental stability, though Lithium that I think she still takes to this day.

When I say ex-wife, don't think I left her due to that.. or the fact that I would be the only parent raising my youngest daughter for 2 years because of the anxiety that formed.  We had issues long before that and had considered breaking up before my youngest was born.  I am glad for the sake of knowing my youngest that we had her, but it didn't solve the problems.  In fact, I would hang on in the house, pretty much taking care of everything, including her application for Social Security disability and paying for all of our expenses out of my school financial aid.... for a degree I was doing while raising a baby and taking care of the household.  But, when I got my first professional job and moved to Boston for it, all I got was complaints by my ex.. no praise or thanks for anything.. a lack of gratitude I would face with other relationships, as it turns out.  But, it was long standing... she had to be the center of praise and focus for whatever she was doing, which is central to what Mania is.  It's a cousin of Bipolor, only instead of depression it's flights of positivity, overconfidence, ultra religiousness, and hyper activity.  Looking back over that time, I could see those qualities since the time we were married and before.

I tell this story to say this.  More is not always better.  Activity is not always the cure.  There is a lot that can be solved by sitting by a beach or listening to the rain.  I AM more active, recently, but that is just because there is literally nothing else in my life.  It fills the time and is fun.  But, it's also why it has taken weeks to get caught up with the blog and why I take time for things like music playlists which serves no purpose other than self entertainment and expression.  

I've noted this before, but there was a book that I read that is a popular book for leaders of religious and business groups.  It's called Choosing to Cheat.  Despite the name, it's not talking about cheating on someone else.  It means... cheating yourself... NOT reaching your goals all the time or reaching your highest potential in anything, BECAUSE you have OTHER interests you like, as well.  Doing more of one means less of another, so for the sake of family, hobbies, or etc you have to CHEAT your drive in order to find more balanced happiness.  I felt that was important to share, here.  You might be thinking by dedicating all your time to something you are being your best, but you MIGHT just be inching towards your own personal mania.