Tuesday, November 1, 2022

Reflections and Forward

I've been processing over these days.  It's something I've needed to do for weeks.. maybe months.. but didn't have time.  It's not easy.. feels like a LOT of inputs and past and future and options and etc coming at me at once, and I have to put them in order.  A few things that I've thought so far.

I need to work on my confidence.  The teaching job was my choice, and it was wrong and caused me pains... I'm STILL having nightmares, daily, from that job.  I've made several wrong choices over the past months in dating and etc.  However, I've made several good choices, such as getting out of the house and moving FORWARD, instead of spending all my time paralyzed from the past though that is a work in progress.  Things like the amount I earn from work and blogs and runs and etc gives me the opportunity to gain confidence from my efforts, which can help reinforce those other areas as well.  "Anything's better than a life standing still," as the male character in Beautiful Creatures says.  He also says, "Sometimes, I'm Billy Pilgrim from Vonnegut's banned book Slaughterhouse-Five. 'To be unstuck in time, in a constant state of stage fright never knowing what part of my life I'd have to act in next."  I can relate.  Life has taught me not to expect the future but be open to the adventure of it all, but lately I'm struggling with the courage to take the steps.  Working on it.

That said, I could use some time to reflect and explore me a little more.  So much of my life has been spent adapting to others and other situations that I haven't had much time to discover ME as much.  Do I want to learn a music instrument?  Do I want to draw?  Do I want to learn another language?  What activities do I like to do?  In so many ways, I feel that I have learned so much over my life, but in other ways I feel like I have so much left to experience and do and learn, especially about myself, and I am curious about those discoveries.  Does that mean that I won't date?  Probably not.  That can be a part of the discovery, but I don't know that I am ready for a relationship.  I think it might be time to just let go of control and see where LIFE takes me for a while.

So, that's my un-plan.

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