Now that I have "settled in" for Christmas Eve from work and taking tomorrow off, I thought I would kick off my holiday rest with a little summary of recent life updates.. many of which hit my social media or blog, but not all.
I'm back to being an accountant, having got hired for a role in a state government office. Really, I should say that I'm back to being PAID as an accountant. My life has shown the marks of an accountant my whole life From my earliest days I was making pro/con lists and estimating and budgeting and planning things out in steps and such. Even as my attempt at teaching was failing, I made it clear that I had a very analytical mind, and that doesn't work well with kids that no only don't often follow your plans but actively work AGAINST your plans happening in their lives.... not my cup of tea or a way that I could find happiness. But, being the accountant that I am, I have already done a budget going 6 weeks from now that accounts for taxes and fees and steps necessary with rent and more to get from where I am to when paychecks are flowing.
I think people have a bad understanding and lack of appreciation for what accounting minded people bring to both society and relationships. People will notice that I will point out when things are NOT as they are said with politicians and when people in past relationships failed to live up to their vows and promises in my life. They may think that I am negative, when the reality is that I was simply vocalizing the negative that I saw in a situation, because I think you cannot improve if you do not admit there is a problem. Therefore, the GOAL is to improve. For an accountant, you would know that they don't care when they DON'T try to find ways to make things better. In Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium (a personal favorite) the accountant tells Molly, "We all have our things—ways we show we care, some people bring flowers, send cards or give hugs, but I fill out people’s paperwork."
I don't think my ex always got it that when I was budgeting and doing time management to get groceries and mow the yard and more when her back was hurt it was signs of care. After YEARS of marriage, she failed to understand my love language. That said, after YEARS of her not showing interest or care after rejecting me, there is ZERO way that I could be interested in someone with so little empathy, let alone romance. Once again... my logical mind seeks balance.. a relationship being where both people helped MAKE it happen and both continue to do so with care and interest for each other. If someone isn't willing to send a text, they aren't going to be there for me when my life isn't as shining as it is about to be. If they couldn't see my value or express care when I struggled, they don't deserve the rewards when it is soaring. That applies to current potential's, as well. As I used the apps and went on dates and such, if I am doing all the work... that's it. It's over. I move on. And, if someone points out why we can't work, then we most definitely can't, as they won't put in the work to make it better. I've also come to a realization that you need to share interests or values in at least a few ways, because if they cannot understand you or share values WITH you then they won't be able to VALUE those things IN you, either. It will take longer to find someone with whom you sync, but I'm willing to keep looking and trying till it does. Otherwise, why even be with someone?
My daughter is with my ex this season, so she is there for Christmas. We already did our presents on my last weekend with her at the beginning of December. I put a little more on credit cards for her gifts, but... that's what you do for someone you care about... you show them. So, the next 36 hours will just be me... and a few presents to open from family. In part that is sad, but I'm also looking forward to not doing much for the next 36 hours. The last several weeks have been crazy busy with extra work hours to make sure all the bills are paid over unexpected things like having two flat tires and more over the last several weeks.
On that point, I touched on this on social media. The day of this job interview, it was POURING rain, when I went over to do that interview. When I came out of the job interview, I had a flat tire of one of my new tires. When I got that repaired at Pepboys, their lift broke and dented up my car door so it would not shut. Now... the tire got fixed, and the door will be fixed with them paying for repairs and a rental. But, my POINT is this.... none of that was a "sign" that I should not apply, as I got the job. Sometimes, struggle is not a sign you should leave but a sign you should push through to something better on the other side. That's the basis for exercise or work for that matter, too. You do difficult things to get to better, after.
This season I have been a lot more religious than I have been in prior years. There is a couple reasons for that. No... I'm not condemning others for not doing it. What I am doing is giving to GOD what HE deserves in this season, especially as HE has been so openly blessing of my life and has been there in my darkest times. No other religion has so many substitutes for their diety, and none of the other religions would allow it to happen. If we talked about Bobo the Hanakkah bunny or twiggy the tree spirit or more, people would protest and most news media would never DARE to do it. However, there is scarcely any ACTUAL talk of JESUS on the holiday about his birth. That's sad, so I won't do it, this year. It has actually made me really wonder just how close to the final days before the rapture we are, since people are so conditioned to believe what the government tells them without question and the world unified around covid and verbally ATTACKED and in some cases arrested people for just trying to decide what they allowed in their own body. Imagine if it was a chip in their hand or head to buy and sell... just saying. I'm not suggesting this IS the end days... only that our society is ripe for them and prepared for them.
Finally, I wanted to note that I am still going to be looking for my mate and dating in coming weeks and months. I paused for the last several weeks, because my money was going to be tight and my career was not settled. Like Sweet Home Alabama, I want to make something of myself, before I expect someone else to be impressed. I don't want a half way measure by anyone that chases me or romances me, and I don't feel good telling them to like me for what I WILL be able to offer them. I'm not doing it all for them... let's be clear on that. I have given up too much of my assets and time on those that rejected me in the past. I have a giving spirit and that will continue, but I need to love myself first... as Jesus instructed us to do. I want to reclaim what I have lost and when I DO give to my mate in the future it will not be ALL of what I have... nor do I expect them to give all their time and money to me. We have our own lives and understanding that makes it more meaningful when we DO give to them or them to us.
That's enough for now. Merry Christmas. I'm about to get chill for a long deserved rest.
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