Sunday, January 15, 2023

How to Move Forward

A few days ago, I was picking something to watch on TV and saw Cloverfield on PlutoTV and the next sequel.  So, I watched those on two nights.  Then, I decided to finally watch Wanda Vision on Disney plus, which I just had not had an interest to do so till now.  And, one day I clicked on the TV and saw that When Harry Met Sally was on and watched that for a while.  Then, I saw a meme on Instragram that fit the theme so I screen shot it.  All of these were on the same theme, and I wasn't expecting that theme in any of them, so it looks like a recurring point that I'm either being shown or reminded, though I do think I've done a pretty good job with the theme up till now... but, it's always good to remember.

I'm still waiting to watch the third Cloverfield movie when I get Netflex later this month or next, but one thing that is a backdrop for both of the first movies is loss.  In both cases, the characters had lost dreams, people, and their own expected reality and had to come to terms with the loss in difficult surroundings.  Wanda Vision is about Wanda from the Avengers having lost Vision, who died in an Avenger movie.  She has to move from denial to acceptance in that series (a vast simplification to avoid giving any spoilers.. a very good series to watch).  Finally, I forgot that When Harry Met Sally was so much about acceptance and moving forward after a breakup.  There is a lot of good dialogue in that movie on that journey.  Finally, the meme was about facing loss and saying that when it happens the temptation is to run from it.  However, it said that the best thing that you can do is "sit with it" for a while... that healing happens when you are facing it.

That is a truth that I learned over the last several years, though I fought it for a while making it take longer in my case.  Sally (above) said that she didn't miss him, just the IDEA of him.  I'd say that I reached that point maybe a year ago or so, when I was able to see past the pain to focus on what I DESIRE over what I LOST and see that the match was never going to work.  She wasn't what she presented or I thought that she was, and what she was wasn't going to be that person that would show desire for me, care for my needs or wants, have faith in me, or be satisfied with me.  She was too focused on  herself and her goals to barely notice me.  I don't say that hatefully but objectively, which is the point of reaching that stage.  The anger has run its course, and you are left with the question that is present in ALL of the above media items... what now?  

That takes time to work out, but you won't get there if you are either hanging on to dead options or continuing to expect a similar future.  One of the things that caused me the longest amount of damage in my life, post breakup, was expecting a similar LIFE as before.  It is my experience that when you are deeply intertwined with someone that ending it is not like replacing a flat tire.  You can't just replace the woman and keep on with the life, because the choices that LED to that life were often involved with them.  Like... I had left accounting to help her around the house, due to her back issues.  So.... why years after the breakup was I not back in accounting making more money.  I came up with other reasons, like wanting to rest for the rest of my life, but that PRESUMES that the best days of your life are behind you.  It is letting the person from the past define your future.

You have to accept that not only will the PERSON in your future be different (and please... understand THAT.. that they are not your ex), but your CHOICES and REALITY will be different than it was with those of the past.  You have to GO THROUGH your pains and struggles as a sort of healing microwave that will allow you to accept loss and redefine yourself apart from them.  Then, your future will happen DIFFERENTLY than it did in the past, but that will be good.  You (and your future someone) will know that it is something that you will accomplish yourself and with those in your new life.  

And, then, as Thomas Edison said, "Have faith! Go forward!"

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