Sunday, February 26, 2023

Pace is Protection

I had so many different titles for this one bouncing around in my mind.  I could have gone with "The mental health of others is not your responsibility" too.... or "Try Try Again" or "Being Seen"... I'll touch on all of those things in this post.

Yesterday, I decided to rest and try to fix my computer's issues by resetting windows and etc.  I fixed some system files, but in the end nothing much changed.  I will just have to get another laptop in the Fall to replace it.  But, it gave me plenty of time to think.  I also watched Bridesmaids, again.  I wasn't planning on doing it, but there wasn't much else on and it was good fun.  However, it actually fit right in with some of my processing, as Annie in it had a plot theme of having to pick herself up after many failures.  I've done a lot of that with regards to work and career, and I have made strides in other areas.  However, it was something to be heard after the events of this last week, which I will expand on below.

So, quick recap and expansion (for more read my last post).. my casual dating interest attracted a SUPER emotionally fast girl that had past breakup issues and was desperate for a relationship, having said at one point that dates like Valentines made her want to kill herself as she sees others in relationship.  It touched on some depression that I had felt and fed it, too.  I'm still not entirely sure she was real and wasn't just a scam based upon someone viewing my social media history and saying the right things.  However, she could be real and just have some deep psychological issues.  Even after I ended things and then blocked her on Instagram (where we met) and deleted Google Chat, I still keep getting emails of messages she is still sending in Google Chat, so I went in this morning and blocked that, too.  She went from Hi to sending "I love you"'s to a complete emotional meltdown, after I simply stopped talking in THREE DAYS of knowing her, which leads me to my first point.... You are not responsible for the mental health issues of others.

I used to say.... and it's still true.. that by my age or near it, if someone is single there is often a REASON why that is so, unless it is by choice or in a period of preparation.  Often times, there are mental and emotional barriers, such as someone not being over their ex or seeing others as their ex or not being emotionally mature.  I've had my fair share of all of those and more.  My first ex wife had mental issues that still plague her and for which she takes medication.  My 2nd ex wife had a bad past with men (without going into details you get the point) and her daddy died young, and both of those impacted how she felt about me.  In both cases, I tried to be the GOOD example and the stable one with provision or comfort as needed.  Yet, those mental issues would eventually become insurmountable.  It's not our responsibility to fix others.  If they have a sad story, feel bad for them, but that doesn't mean enter a PITY relationship with them or try to heal their mind.  If it is to be a balanced and true relationship, it needs to be two people loving and receiving from each other, and that takes a level of equality, instead of being based in co-dependency.

When those few intense days were done, I pulled back.. wondering if I somehow contributed to it, even though I had made it clear that I was only casually dating at this point and when faced with "I love you" told her I don't move that fast.  However, reaching out is NECESSARY in order to find someone, and my nature of listening and paying attention to others is GOING to attract all kinds.  One of the things I touched on in the last blog was that I am realizing how BIG of a concept it is to be seen or see others for who they are.  I think a lot of what we CALL love is simply that... feeling seen or seeing in others their needs, celebrations, and etc.  Everyone wants that, and it's not a bad thing to want or seek.  That DOESN'T mean you should be with anyone that does it.  You still have to be careful.

So, despite the temptation to not keep trying, I will continue.  I am also more sure than EVER that it is important to maintain a casual and slow pace that is fun.  I think this week illustrates exactly WHY that is necessary to maintain right pacing, which is protection as you proceed towards your long term emotional goals.

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