Saturday, February 4, 2023

Personal Updates

I wanted to do a longer personal update post to talk about things that I have learned/discovered/realized over the last weeks and am still realizing.  My current path has been leading me in a great direction and has allowed me to recognize many things that I needed to be able to chart my next course.  This isn't all connected, so it won't be in a specific order.  I will just go through it as I think it.

I have followed a course that I charted beginning in early December, and it has progressed, despite attempts to distract me from it, in exactly the outcomes I anticipated.  In December, I said to myself... why am I living in such a directionless, low income, life with little career potential or status to show for myself, when I have such a great work history, degree, and more?  I began applying to places with confidence that I would improve my life and was willing to work hard and sacrifice to get there.  

I got a job in a great position, and I knew that my budget would be tight moving from daily Ubereats income to my paychecks flowing in.  So, I worked outside of my job... evenings of work days and weekends and earned over 900 dollars in January from things NOT connected to my job.  Add to that the "distractions" or temptations to leave the path, such as car repair costs that I had to put on credit and pay a lot out of pocket (working harder to pay them in my budget) and calls from my past temp agency on accounting positions that I refused to stay the course.  But, my hard work is being noticed, and I am getting a lot of respect and opportunities in my position with much room for advancement.  I am not seeing the financial effect, yet... as I just got started and have to catch up on delayed bills.  But, it's a professional job that gives me evenings off and less work hours now, overall, than before.

One lesson I learned, which is reflected in other posts, is that we complain so much about things that we are our biggest obstacle to achieving.  So often, people will sit around and wait for someone else to save them or "love me for how I am"... which really means love us without improvement.  I actually started addressing this one back in October, when I began running and getting fit, saying to myself that if I wanted women to find me attractive, I needed to do somethings about it.. that's also when I got contacts.  The job followed, flowing on that same theme.  I don't want them to love me for my failures but my hopes and attempts.

On that point, I also have realized that I rock as a romantic partner.  In my relationships, I was doing things to help them, complimenting them, buying gifts and roses (used to buy roses ever few months not just valentines day), paying for hotel nights away from the kids, selling my house to pay for a wedding for one of them, and more.  Did I give too much... yes.  But, the point was that I GAVE, and that was good.  The problem was that they were takers and didn't give back.  The consistent thing of my two ex wives was not myself and my giving.  It was that in both cases the women I chose were only interested in me if I gave to them.  They were not interested in or cared for me, myself.  That's a mistake I won't make, again.  So, I don't hate Valentines Day or romance or want a single life.  I still believe and will find the right partner to give that back, as well.

My youngest daughter told me she wants to go to the community college, here, after high school (she has about a year and a half left of it.  She also has interest in computers or being in engineering.  I think that is great, and I wore my USF Society of Women Engineers shirt to bed last night that I got from my 5K run I did for them.  It's great to see her taking an interest and moving in a direction to be successful in life... something I never saw in my oldest daughter, before she in her refusal to get a job at 23 years ago and went off on her own and stopped talking to either me or my ex.  But, it looks like my youngest is making wise choices and will have a good life.

I've started being more political, again.. still only on a friends Facebook profile or Instagram and Twitter that doesn't have my name on it.  I had avoided it to "focus on my own life" for a while and out of cynicism of the political system.  I also didn't want it to offend potential romantic mates.  But, the reality is that if a woman has a problem with my having an opinion or with my political preferences, we wouldn't be a good match, anyway.  Half the country is conservative (moreso in conservative states and areas), and there are plenty good, southern women that would think my being conservative is a GOOD thing.  The facts of the matter are that we are nearing potential nuclear war with this President that has given us high inflation, product shortages, more violent crime and crimes in general, and a society more interested in conflict and entitlement than work and success... and no one can deny that.

I'm back on dating apps... only just began messaging, again.  I had several that warned me not to till I am ready.  But, I've been divorced (officially) for over two years and it's been over for 3.  I've learned a lot, and what growth I still have to do can be done in the presence of love.  There is a song that has been in many of my playlists that I will put in the one for this weekend that says he loves a girl for being "broken like me"... yes, there are risks in being with someone that is still healing, but the fact that they hurt means they have a heart.  I would much rather have that than to be with someone that is "healed" enough to not care and be purely logical and defensive to not take risks.  Even Celine Dion sings that someone "loved me back to life" and there are many other songs about people making the woman believe again.  Cutting yourself off from others only deepens the wounds.  It doesn't heal them. You have to get back out there.  While I have noticed that some of my romantic interests have changed (less interested in strong willed and challenging women and moreso caring ones that will "stand by you" as Rachael Platten sings in a song that I like.  Also, while I like touch and the physical side of romance, it is less important to me than someone that will listen to you, express care and interest for you, and support you. That is what will last.

So, that's enough for this post.  I will post more over time.

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