Saturday, February 25, 2023

This Week's Lessons

This week has definitely been educational, albeit uncomfortable and a little depressive, as I have been testing out life on the more... intentional .. side (acting with intention instead of just waiting around).  The lessons learned have been very varied, so I will just go through them as randomly as I reflect on them.

Unfortunately, the biggest lesson that I learned about myself is that I seem to attract crazy girls, and I have a problem with paying attention to red flags.  Right after I began my intention of taking it easy and slow and non commitment to explore, a girl messaged me from Instagram.  I have generally not responded to or even read most Instagram messages, because I have seen a lot of spam and more on them.  It's definitely true of Snapchat, too... which I began to use again this last week and found myself getting full frontal nude pics sent to me, which you can see in Instagram at times, as well.  In fact, it might be a good rule to be cautious of anyone that messages you out of the blue.

But, getting back to the experience of the week.  So, she messages me and seems normal and interesting.  Supposedly a Norway born woman living in LA.  You'll understand "supposedly" in a little bit.  We chat, and I am intrigued by the life of this woman, whose late dad was a Cocoa merchant, and she was an anesthesiologist for the Coast Guard.  She said that she didn't want to video chat till we knew each other better (red flag 1).  She also suggested we chat on Google chat instead of Instagram (red flag 2).  At one point, I asked if she was a solder or just worked with them, and she was confused and asked if I knew about the Coast Guard.  When I mentioned it was a division of the military, she said she was a Coast Guard officer (red flag 3).  Her pics always looked a little odd.. almost photo shopped, but I let it go.  She went from zero to LTR perspective in nothing flat, although I am proud of myself that I stood my ground and pushed back (one of the few times I have done that so good for me) and when she started with "love you" and "I love you" after less than 3 days (HUGE red flag), I told her that I don't move that fast and reminded her that I am taking my time.  She said she was ok with that, so I let it go.  However, conversations went to her talking about how I'd be a good dad for her kids that she wants (10 years younger), where we could go on vacation and more.  Meanwhile, I am getting more and more hesitant and quieter.

This leads to another lesson that I have heard and can now confirm, being the person in that role in social interaction.  It SUCKS that it is true, but it is.  The person that shows less interest publicly has the power in most social interaction.  They can set the tone or speed, and they can often set the terms of contact.  It doesn't mean that they can avoid the crazy partners, but they are the one that can walk away from those partners.

She had refused to talk about her last breakup, other than to say that he had cheated on her, but that was 4 years ago or so.  However, I brought up and we discussed how the past should be the past and each person should consider each other as a new experience.  

Then, we get to yesterday.  She sends me this pic of her "on her way to work" wearing like... tux level dressy attire.  You recall what she does for a living, supposedly.  So, I mentioned that she was very dressy for a work day.  Well, she goes into meltdown mode.  She says that it seems like I am mad at her (despite our conversations where I said I never am mad at a woman) and that she should just break her phone, as she won't need it anymore with a broken heart symbol.  Ok... 3 days... this is after 3 days.  That was the final straw.  I told her that she had some issues that she needed to work through and ended our chats.

When I reflect back on how it is that I got that far in the interactions, I think about the fact that she said all the right things, if she knew about me... as if I was researched.  She was very religious (far beyond my level).  She was a thinker with me about things I was interested in.  But, the one that I want to note, last, is that she NOTICED me and showed interest, and that leads to my next point.

I have not blogged about this, and it's worthy of its own post  I will do it, soon.  People like to be noticed.  Indeed, that has specifically been the launching point of why it was that I was seeking someone special... to have someone that notices your concerns or your success.  So, doing that can be a VERY addictive bait...and all this has put a pause on my actions.  When you go out seeking that and that becomes your mission, someone only has to show it to direct you.  It is a worthy and valid desire (to be noticed), and I don't think that there has been enough focus on that human need.  Yet, we need to be aware of how it makes us vulnerable, as well.

Because of this point, I am going back on Facebook and resuming my friendship connections, so that I am less vulnerable to those that would take advantage of that absence in my life and lead me to more mistakes like those in my past.  I am getting better at saying no or slow, but I am still too willing to bypass red flags and change myself for the wants of others.

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