I was going to stop after day five, but I’m realizing that I need these blogs longer than just us the current series that I’m in. I’m realizing that I have some self-esteem issues that I need to overcome.
There’s an old Native American tale of two wolves, and the one that gets larger is the one that is fed. My wolf that has dominated a lot of my life is this self-esteem issue, and I have overcome it at times by feeding positive things about myself, accomplishments that I’ve overcome, and those kind of things. But then things come along such as my failed marriages or such and feed the beast of self-doubt. So each one of those failures I just saw as confirmation of the fact that I wasn’t good enough …it’s like imposter syndrome. They served as confirmation of the belief that I didn’t deserve the good that I had. Then, that belief caused me to short circuit opportunities or fail to take them altogether. So, I need this series of posts from time to time.
Compassion
This one is close to a prior one but a little different. It’s been long true of me that I get joy by giving joy. My own fulfillment comes from pleasing others. That’s why being a single dad whose kids live mostly with my ex has been so hard. I have less others to please. It’s also why being rejected by those in my past or being ignored on dating apps and etc are so hard for me. I am failing to be pleasing.
There have been many times that I saw that quality of myself as weakness, and I’ve even gone to extreme to say I should not have made the sacrifices that I made for those that would leave or reject me. But, the fault was that they were users, not that I gave. Someday, I will give to one that will gratefully receive and remain.
So, despite the risks, I like that I’m compassionate.
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