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Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Freedom and Slaveholders


Words Vs Actions (follow meaning)

One lesson I have learned over the years has been to distrust words but believe actions.  This is not a pessimistic view in my opinion.  It is a realistic one.  Anyone can, and will, say anything, but they don't always have to mean it.  In fact...as odd as it sounds but has proven very true... many will SAY things that they DON'T mean as a substitute for having do do or be those things.

I say "be" to mean labels.  That is another example of words, other than promises and declarations of feelings that also must be tested.  Labels are often used by those that do not mean to follow through on the meaning OF those labels, as a sort of legal enforcement of control.

In my own life, I have had to un "friend" many that were not friends in actuality over the years, as well as "family" that did not show any concern for my wellbeing.  In our society, this has sadly become all too common.  Further, there is a sort of appeasement of terrorists like mentality that has cropped up with many labels that tells you....well, they may not act nice, but they are "family," or they make fun of you or attack you, but they are "friends,"  or they may abuse your good nature and take advantage of you, but they are your "spouse" or "child" or "parent" or such.

Words are words.  Actions are actions.  If there were no labels, could they be defined such by their ACTIONS?  Think for a moment.  Isn't there people in your life that you consider "family" that has no blood relation to yourself?  I can think of many older people that have served a kind of "mom" or "dad" role in my life over the years that were not such by blood, but they are MORE such than the person that WAS my dad, for example, that never showed any concern for my life and was cold and controlling to myself.  Further, I don't think at ANY time that my ex fit the definition of WIFE to me or that situation as a "relationship" but more of an arrangement to her that allowed her to get more of what she wanted from me, until I stopped that abuse over my life.  My current fiance is more of a "wife" than anyone has ever been, and we are not even married yet...marry in December.

So, what is the value of labels?  What is the value of words?  If they are true, you will see it in their actions, and the actions are what you will remember best.  If there is no actions, the words only add to their conviction of failure.  I have always been a realist kinda guy in my own life, and I hate fakeness in anyone.... relationships, family, managers, and DEFINITELY among "christians," "churches," and "ministers."  It is the primary reason that, as I was in the middle of a seminary degree, after a Bible degree, I walked away from it all and why I am critical of the religious extremes, right and left politically.  You have "believers" that control out of fear of disbelief,  "ministers" that see it as their job to condemn, "ministries" without any programs of feeding the poor, counseling the hurt, housing the homeless...but they have a new book you can buy to make them rich.  Meanwhile, there are many, many athiests or members of other faiths that reflect the nature of "Christ" and show more concern.  Indeed, recently, you have members of almost ALL denominations vocally condemning how homosexuals LOVE each other in attacking their desire to marry.  This is another area that offends me, and I believe would offend GOD, who said all the law and profits are found in love.  What must it look like when "God's people" are known more for what they hate than how they love and when His churches are attacking those who love enough to want to be committed to each other and love each other?

Words are words.  Actions are actions.  Truth is found in what can be seen, not what can be said.  Love is a verb of what is done.  The rest is just control.

A few good books dealing with this that I have seen...I don't endorse ALL of them, but parts of them helped me..


That last one I bought for myself and my fiance, so that each of us can watch out for mistakes in interpretation and misunderstanding.  It reflects a little of the understanding that men and women are different found in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, while it has some of the types of love found in Love Languages.  However, what I like about it is that it basically says you must TRY and DO those things....and that some just do not.  Not all failures of relationship can be defined by ignorance.  Many people CHOOSE to be selfish and use, and from those the only answer is to walk away.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Trust History - Let Go of Moments (good or bad)

Let me give you a piece of advice that will help you, greatly, to avoid problems.  It is not new advice.  I was going to quote it by saying that we are the sum of our choices, but searching for that quote I find that it was said by Eleanor Roosevelt, Wayne Dyer, Woody Allen, and many many others over time.  Why?  Because it is pretty basic information.  Who we are as a person, INSIDE, would affect the choices we made on the outside, so the outside is the best depiction of who a person is...not the words they say but the things they DO.  James 2:17 says that "faith without works is dead."  I think that people, often, overspiritualize Scripture and miss the common meaning, and this is one verse where they do it.  I don't think he was saying that SALVATION is not alive without action, he was saying that FAITH...if someone truly believed in something...would result in actions to accompany it.  For example, if you really believe you can succeed at work, you will put more work into it.  If you really believe you are lovable, you will seek out someone to love you.  Actions betray the truth of the unseen, and that goes back to the quote.  People can SAY things all day long, but the ACTIONS will show the truth of whether words are true, and they show when something is true, even if not said.  So, words are not a foundation, and actions are the only solid one.

Now, this has two separate applications that will help you.  First, when someone says they love you or support you or are your friend or whatever but does NOT show actions to indicate that, disregard the words.  This will protect you from being hurt by believing something is true on hope, rather than fact.  However, it works in the other direction, too, and that is where I want to focus for the rest of this post.  When you have a history of someone being there for you, expressing care for your wellbeeing, supporting you, doing things for you, or in other ways loving you, do not entertain thoughts of a MOMENT not being as you need. 

It is true.  We will not be there for each other all the time.  Sometimes people will be tired and exhausted or more focused on their OWN issues to notice the needs of the other person.  So, there WILL BE for all of us moments when we are in need but the other person is not there for us.  You gotta let those go.  Now, I am NOT saying that when someone is giving you a HISTORY of ignoring your needs it should be let go.  That goes in the other direction.  In THAT case, their GOOD acts must be doubted, until there is a history to back them.  What I am saying, though, is that if someone is not there for you, it does you no good to hang onto a grudge or remember that lack and block the reconnection when the other person IS rested and ready and begins to show affection and care.  In that moment, ask yourself, what is more important to you....being "right" about yesterday or happy, today.

In those moments,YOU have the power to decide how the rest of the day will go.  So, choose who you will be wisely.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

A Caring Heart

As happens with post-divorce kids, it can some times take a little bit for kids to understand the whys and the whats of divorce and the new reality that will go forward.  I will say that my daughters have been very supportive over the years.  They want me to be happy.  However, it has still required explaining at times to help them understand.  That said, it has been a few years since I had to explain it to either, for the most part.  However, this last week, I had a discussion with my youngest about not talking to me about her time with her mom.  I asked her if she understood WHY I didn't want to hear about it, and she said, "Yeah.  You broke up with mom and she said something you don't like, so you stopped talking to her."  I had to stop her and explain... "No.  We DIVORCED because of how she treated me from the start and still treats me, today.  She does not act in love.  Do you know what love is?" 

Then, she told me that love was when feeling just well up from within you and spills over.  I told her how cute that was, but no....that is not love.  I don't blame her.  That is how society explains it...it is something you FEEL.  Then, when that FEELING goes away, you are falling out of love.  Love is more than a feeling....in fact, it is not the feeling at all.  The feeling RESULTS from receiving TRUE LOVE, which is acts of a caring heart.  LOVE is a verb.  It is actions.  It is doing things for another, because you value them, and it is not to get anything in return.  You can be in a relationship and it be one sided...that explains my ENTIRE first marriage...me doing actions, and she taking it and expecting and demanding more without even thinking about what I need.  When two people are caring for each other, it establishes a relationship...wither that be as a couple, as a parent or child, or as a friend.  When only one cares for the other, it is a co dependent relationship of use and abuse, and the solution for that is ALWAYS to leave, because no one can love ANYONE to make them change.  In fact, they should not be trying to change them. They should be leaving them to find someone that DOES care for them.  And, that decision in my own life blazed a path to my current fiance that DOES care for me.  It can exist.  You just have to make it happen.  However, to be cared for, you must seek more than a warm feeling but being a priority and object of interest and sacrifice to someone else for which sacrifice as well...and that is called, LOVE.

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Now...a side note that is not really related to this, but in the last few weeks, I have discovered something that is saving me a lot of money, monthly, so I thought I would mention it as a tip.  It is Sling TV.  I ran across it when I got tired of my high Dish bill.  It is the major normal channels you expect from your tv provider...I even have Disney for the kids...but I only pay 25 dollars a month.  It streams the channels in on your internet provider for devices to watch.  If you want to watch it on your tv, you just need a box for it, such as Roku or Amazon Fire.  Follow those links to pages for those boxes.  However, even if you do not buy the boxes, check it out.  It is an excellent tip.  If you happen to follow the amazon links and buy the box, I get a small commission, but even if you don't I want you to benefit from my experience.


Sunday, June 12, 2016

Tuning Out the Static (it's ok to be happy)

The final post of the weekend deals with static.  It exists, everywhere, but it was more easily seen in the older days in tv stations that were broadcast on analog signals.  Now, everything is on digital frequency modulation, so it is different, but it exists, none the less.  Prior to that, though, tv signals would come in but the picture would get a white static on the screen, caused by the signal being weak, interfering radio signals, or etc.  You can still hear this static on AM and FM radio stations, for the same reason or if you are not tuned in, correctly.

Being tuned into what you are trying to see is the point of this post.  We all have an idea of what we are after, but there will come into our picture or speaker static.... distracting broadcasts (or people) that try to stand in the way.  We don't want to hear them, but we spend way too much time humoring them, letting them dominate the speakers of our lives.  Meanwhile, what we WANT to hear or watch is obscured or delayed by them.

I don't know what your static is.  It is different for everyone, and, indeed, it is different for ME on a daily basis.  However, here is the thing.  It is not their fault for being the static as much as it is YOUR fault for listening.  No one knows what makes you happy, except you.  No one knows what your goals are, except you.  Your inner voice knows EXACTLY what you need and what you want.  Anyone that does not ring in chorus with your heart is an unqualified critic.  Unqualified, because, often, they have never walked in your shoes or faced what you face.  They have not had to live your life, and they are very much pleased by the fact that they do not have to live the advice they give you.  It is very easy to give advice, when you cannot be held liable for living it.  In Babylonian times, if someone built a structure and that structure collapsed and killed someone, the designer was punished for murder.  Imagine how much advice would be given, today, if those giving the advice had to suffer the consequences of the advice.  Imagine if an abused person was advised to remain with their abusive husband or wife or employer or any other such using person.  Then, that person falls subject to continued abuses.  Would it not be fair if such a person that gave that advice should receive the abuse, themselves, for the advice...or suffer some punishment for the fact that they are now AN ACCOMPLICE to the bruises or emotional trama invoiced? 

However, that is not how our society operates.  You will get advice from every shmo on the street that feels THEY have the answer for your situation.  I find that this is especially prevalent among many Christian groups that feel a 2,000 year old document written to a completely different culture about specific things in their society can be used by an untrained person to prescribe how someone is "right" or "wrong" in their choices about how to live their lives in peace and love and happiness, when....wasn't that the POINT of the law...to punish those that deprived you of your life, liberty, and happiness?  But, do not expect this to change their minds.  Those that go to the Scripture to find ammunition has already chosen their target, and they have already concluded they are right.  They are going to be static in your life, whether you want it or not.  Further, people don't change.  I have had several people reject my statement of that over time, only to eventually come to conclude the same.  They can vary in the expression of their personality, but that personality will always be the same.

The point is..... some people will always criticize you for any of a hundred reasons.  Others will support you.  If you focus on the static, you will not enjoy the program you are TRYING to watch or hear.  If you pay attention to distractions, you will miss being happy with the truth...the truth found within you.  You are not wrong to tune out those that want to use you or bring you down or condemn you.  By standing against your happiness, they have already unqualified themselves as a judge of how you achieve it.  It's ok to be happy.  It's ok to be who you are.  It's ok to chart a path that you know is true and that leads to where YOU want to go.  Those that care for you will applaud you as you enjoy the freedom to be happy and be yourself.  Those that have never expressed interest in your life or happiness are just too busy talking to notice you needing. 

If you would be happy in your days, spend more time listening to the signal of your heart than the static of the crowd.  And...to use another TV metaphor...if you find yourself surrounded by too much static, it is time to move the antenna to less distraction and more reception.  Then, things will be clearer.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Defining a "good" job...

As I have been in my transition period, between jobs....leaving the job that was killing me to find a job that makes me happy (two separate reasons) and as I have been seeking out and applying to many, many jobs this week, I have been reflecting on a concept that has been building in my mind for many months....what is a "good" job?  Our society has skewed this definition, and I believe that it sets many up for failure at a very young age, as it did myself.  I don't blame society for this.  It was my fault to choose to go along with the mindset.  Although it is a vicious cycle that must end. 

In my case, I was told from a very young age that you need education to get into a "good" job, better than others.  Now, there is truth in this.  In order to do any occupation with skill, education is necessary.  However....that is education IN that skill.  I do value a liberal arts education, and I believe it made me better as a person.  However, somewhere along the way, preparing people to be skilled in their life choice took a back seat to liberal education, to almost the exclusion of it.  Rarely do you see high school courses in the trades or home economics or budgeting or such, anymore.  There is little to no focus on having students take personality profile tests to help the students to determine what it is that they would LIKE to do and preparation for them to do it.  No.... high school teachers tell students they must go to a community college for learning that and focus on liberal arts.  Then, community colleges say you will learn that in a 4 year college.  Then, your 4 year college says pick a major (with no preparation for the student) and take these classes.  The students take those classes and get their training for a B.S. degree.  If that is not what they like to do, the colleges say, I have this graduate program you can do to change it.  Then, after 6 years of college, the student has accumulated a mountain of college debt to pay, and the school and society says, get out an do the job to pay your college debt, and the student is stuck in a job that they never fully knew if they would like or be good at doing, but they feel they MUST do the job to pay for the bills.....money...and we are back to where we started.  Society has isolated the entire definition of a "good" job to one factor....money.  And, the students are taught that a "good" job is one that makes money and uses college training, and things like... personal goals, personality type, family, interests, friends, and more are not only a part of the equation but they are viewed as DISTRACTIONS from the job, which is supposed to only exist to enable the person to LIVE in the first place.

Indeed, it has got to the point that I no longer feel that college education is the way to happiness or success.  In fact, it can be the path to poverty and stress.  I believe that before ANYONE chooses a college major, they need to know themselves and what they like.  Further, I believe that a work history is more valuable than a college education.  So, I believe that it should be a requirement that, before you can enter a college, you must have a job to learn working skills and the POINT of the college education, and I think that there should be a requirement that only HALF of a tuition bill can be paid by student loans or parental support...requiring the rest to be paid by the student themselves...which, again, will cause them to learn the concept of work and what they want to do in it.

So, blog for today.... do not define your personal path to #happiness or #success by the definitions of others that do not share your #personality or #goals but by .... what you WANT to do with your life, which is supposed to be the point of #living and will best offer your avenue to provide the mark on society that you were made to #be in it.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

My Diverse Foundation (I can relate)

Just a little bit about me to show that I can relate to at least some of what many of you are facing...

My Struggles

-Worked my way up from fast food and movie theater work to professional employment.

-Faced with two periods of medical related expenses, leading to bankruptcy, and finish my degrees (MBA in Accounting and B.S. in Religion) on financial aid.

-Homeschooled an ADHD child for 7 years, who would, later, move into my house as an adult, play games instead of work, demand from me, and criticize me.

-Divorced from a careless ex that didn't value me and used me to her own ends.

-Learned my way from divorce to peace of self to finding my true love and fiance, and I share my lessons learned along the way, so you may find your own peace and happiness.

-Have worked at several jobs and had several people in my life that I had to remove, out of self respect and for my own success.  This is a hard issue, but you have to determine who cares for you and who cares for themselves BY you.

My Successes

-B.S. in Religion from Liberty University, which means...NOTHING about my ability to understand your personal past, your own choices, or what God wants for you....but at least I know that.  What it does mean, though, is that I have an above average knowledge of what the Bible SAYS about how God interacted for love with those in the past and gives an indication of what he desires for today.

-MBA from Devry University, Keller Graduate School of Management, 3.4 GPA.

-ABCTE certifiation in elementary Education and most of a graduate certificate in Elementary Ed, as well, before jobs became scarce in the field and switched to accounting.  This combines with successfully educating my ADHD daughter for 7 years, at which time she came out with getting A's in public school.

-3 years doing freelance writing and running an online live365 radio station, while I was doing my online degree programs and raising my youngest daughter all by myself the first 2 years, while my ex was dealing with her psychological issues.

-Several years in the Army, where I was 1SG Driver, training room manager, cannoneer, and was awarded two battalion coins, was Battalion soldier of the month, and got the Army Achievement Medal.

-High School graduated with high honors, where I lettered in basketball and baseball, was on the newspaper and yearbook staff, was awarded many awards for scholastic competitions, won the regional science fair twice in my category, was nominated for Who's Who, and worked as a youth director in my church.

Hobbies

-I like to run (have done several 5K's), listen to music on Spotify, blog (obviously), take pictures, go to events around town, spend most of my time with my beautiful fiance, watch movies, and spend time with my children (biological and future step).

Life is what you make it, and I make it good.

Monday, June 6, 2016

The 4 Stages of Rebirth

I am in the process of career transition from a job that was very much a soul sucking and personally destructive environment to rebirth to find my new success.  As I was reflecting on this, today, I was thinking about something that I have seen, again and again, over the years.  The EXACT same principles that apply to relationships apply to jobs, and vice versa if you have the need to hear this relationship, wise.  And, over the years, I have learned 4 steps or stages that one must take to move from a very bad situation to their personal best success.  I present them, here, in context of career transition, but it is the SAME mentality that happened over the course of my transition from my ex to my future bride, and it is the same change in how I value certain friends and such.

1.  Do not wait for the good to leave the bad. 

I have seen this several times presented by some, and, really, it is just cowardice and allowing oneself to the accomplice to their own abuse.  There is a quote that says, "you cannot steal second with your foot on first."  (Frederick Wilcox)  This is a truth.  The first step in finding the good is to leave the bad.  Not only is it disingenuous to be pledge to someone or a job in which you do not believe will support you, but it is stealing your energy and your ability to be happy with yourself and have a clear enough head to start a new journey, without being driven by simply the desire to get away from the last one.  END the last chapter, before you start the new.

2.  Do not settle or surrender. 

There is always a temptation to go back to the earlier condition of abuse and misuse.  This is not out of value for the past but doubt for the future.  The same doubt will cause you to be tempted to settle.....just go to ANYTHING that will work, instead of what will truly make you happy.  The thing is, if you entertain either of these, you are sacrificing your own future happiness for the sake of convenience.  It is better to be happy alone than to continue repeating the past with a different face or a difference workplace. 

3.  Be happy to be you.

In order to KNOW how to be happy, you first must determine what you want to make you happy.  That does not mean....learning what you do NOT want, as defined by your ex.  Thus...the first point.  Get away from that environment and learn to be happy to just be you.  Learn what makes YOU happy.  Learn what you value in a man or a woman.  Get away from defining yourself through the eyes of your ex or your friends, but see yourself through the eyes of your own soul.  In the end, that is the only eyes that will matter.

4.  Find someone that appreciates you, as you are.
 
Then, once you have done that, you will recognize the RIGHT one, because they will value you for why YOU value you.  Then, you will please them, simply by being yourself, and they will WANT you to be YOU, not who they want you to be.  That, my friends, is the path to a happy relationship or a happy work life.  Does that mean that there will never be conflict or work.  Nonsense.  Anything of value takes effort and passion, but that work should lead to a goal that you desire and where you are not working alone.  Find the path that provides work you WANT to do, because, your heart calls out to do it.  Then, you will have peace in the work of your days and sweet sleep of your nights.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Key to Happiness

Forward to Happiness

Good morning.  I decided to move my post to blogger, after a few years at Tumblr at http://kenc111.tumblr.com and a month trying at Google+.  Tumblr is ok but more fandom related, and I want to like Google + but it is not geared for written blogs... more like pinterest plus text.  And, the circles are useful to introduce new people but not designed for text feeds or other media.
See the Tumblr link for what this page is about. ...basically, I have learned from experience that you need to find your bliss, choose your own life, and bless the world best by being who you are made to be and among those who appreciate who that is.  Love life.  You only get it once.

Forward to Happiness / Godwitch / Run My Own Life Pinterest