I’m taking an extended break from my blog.. a least a few weeks or longer.. and will be revising it if I bring it back at all. It served a purpose helping me process past breakups to move forward, but the pursuit of a new relationship had brought me anything but happiness. Therefore, I’ll be putting my focus on non romantic avenues of joy and building my personal finances. I will continue making playlists from time to time but in-announced. You can follow them if you desire HERE.
Friday, September 30, 2022
I'm just calling this "Thoughts" because I need to work through them and have always processed better out loud... and will likely have multiple themes to the post.
A few people recently questioned why I had the blog, one afraid that they could find themselves in the blog and another feeling that dating and relationships should remain private in general. While I appreciate their input, both would be misguided. My blog has been years building. In all that time, I have never spoken the name of anyone to whom I have been married or for that matter family members. No one would know them. I also don't blog or post about everyone I date. There remain some that I have dated and with whom I did not click that became friends and remain off post. The ones that do find their way to the blog or post in an anonymous ways are those that warranted it, either by treating me badly or being a new example of a red flag for which to be cautious. Both are mentioned anonymously, afterwards, as a learning lesson for others. I don't want others to have to learn things the hard way, like I did.... and I have been given a life full of such lessons from which to talk, unfortunately. The times in my life where I had relationship success, I also posted about dates and romantic things about my mate, until that trust was misplaced. It's not a vent blog.
On the point of dating and relationships being a private affair, I would say that people don't really believe that, either. They go online to mention the happy moments in their relationship, and they go online to vent about their mate/spouse, ex's, "men," "women," and much more. I am definitely not alone in speaking the things that I speak, and my posts are often popular. Indeed, since the start of my blog, there have been almost 132,000 views of the blog... there is a counter on the right panel under the songs.. and that's just the blog. My social media is small, only because I deleted the past ones because they contained political opinions of parties that I no longer endorse. Before deleting them, the Instagram had 4 thousand and the twitter 1 thousand followers. The reason people read my posts is that I approach things in an informational, learning way that is not about hate but elevation... thus the name of the blog, Forward to Happiness. What I have learned over my years is that many of the people that want you quiet about your life are those that either are feeling guilty about their own motivations or feel limited in their own life from being able to say what they need to say. In both cases, their own "ban on the personal" lifts the moment they have a good thing to share or a heartache to express.
I'm a little quiet the past few days, because I am honestly feeling a little defeated and depressed. You know that question they have about depression, "Have you lost interest in doing things you used to like to do?" Well, I've spent much of the last few days just laying here, thinking, without motivation. It didn't help that there was a threat of a storm that shut things down, as it provided lots of time and little distractions. It's just... I'm not as confident as I used to be and have seen new blocked channels that I felt were open to reach my goals.
I've known for a long time that dating in older years is hard. There are MUCH more mines in the dating minefields than used to exist. I've quoted it before, but there was a study in the middle of the last century that was published that said that a woman in their 40s-50s had a 1 in 18 (I think) chance of finding someone and remarrying. I used to think that was an old study that didn't account for increased communication. But, I'm thinking it might actually be an understatement. Why? Here's some of the realities that affect dating in older years.
1. People are not looking for a mate for children. By this point, they either have their own children or are not looking to have any children. So, that is not a motivation.
2. People are "finally free" to do things... or that is the perception. They feel they were limited by their past marriage from getting out and doing what they want to do. So, DOING THINGS is often the primary motivation and may be the ONLY thing they desire. This is a new point to this blog, but it is something that I have found to be true. They want activity, not someone with whom they can slow down.
3. They spent years reading about or watching perfect romances, so once they are free that is what they seek, forgetting that those stories are just "romanticized" versions of reality that do not exist. Rather than seeking to CREATE a romance out of less, they abandon what they have or could have for more.
4. I used to say that those that are single past a certain age are more likely to be single for a reason. It doesn't mean that there are not great picks out there, but we've lived a long time and have had a lot of opportunities... and tragedies. Some were the cause and have not changed, others were the one harmed and have not healed. I was recently talking about the red flags out there with someone, and they noted that looking for red flags can be a red flag. Honestly, that is true, but not looking for them can lead you to make poor choices. So, there is no real strategy, other than to move with cautious optimism.. desire but wisdom.
So, I'll end with that little nugget to help myself. There may be no safe path or group, and the risks are many. However, you either move forward or are like a shark that remains still and your hope runs out of air and dies. As Finding Nemo says, "Just keep swimming."
Wednesday, September 28, 2022
Just a quick blog post to balance my blog message out a bit. Generally, I am a more heart strung person that likes and centers on what can be felt as being more real and important. It's who I am. It's actually why I have a romance book that I wrote from the woman's point of view, because I learned back then that there is almost no romance from the point of view of a man market. Men don't read books about romance as a whole, even if there are exceptions and even if men can be romantic. Shakespeare, the Romantic period poets, and myself are examples of that.
That being said, it is important to use your head. There are a lot of songs out there about using your head to guard your heart. It think it's equally important to use your head to GUIDE your heart, as well. They have said that religion's structure is like riverbanks to faith that make sure it's channeled properly. The same is true for the head's role in romance.
Recently, I dated someone and didn't think to ask till after the 3rd date what they were looking for in dating. Our answers didn't match. I was looking for romance, while she was looking for companionship to do things. That was kinda an important thing to know before the 3rd date. It could be one of the advantages of using dating apps (which this was not), as you have the answers to those and other questions right there in the profiles and settings. However, even if not in apps it is important to know you are on the same page from the start.
I don't believe in mental relationships. I have had one of those that was much like a business relationship... served it's purpose but without desire or passion. I've also had passionate things that weren't wise. A combination of head and heart is important, as you proceed forward.
That's all. I just thought it important to establish in this blog that wisdom (gained from experience and knowledge) is important, if you expect to have effective outcomes.
Tuesday, September 27, 2022
I have talked about my ex's and some bad examples of past dating (not all of them), anonymously (no one knows any of their names), if there was things to be learned that can help others. However, they mainly focused on procedure more than substance. For example, I talked about the faces that people show at the beginning and making sure to get past that to know who they are, really. Or, I talked about how one that I dated was talking very seriously and then wham dumped me on a text on the way home and basically said God made her do it. But, there are other things that I have learned from past experience that must be there or cannot be there. I thought I would go through a few of those for others... they are present in my mind whenever I begin as a check.
I have noted this one in past blogs. It comes from my experience with both of my ex's. In both cases, I learned they were much more interested in what I could provide them than in me, specifically. Thus, it was easy for them to either turn on me or forget and replace me. I've had other dating examples of this over the time between my marriages and after, where I was being judged not by whether I was interesting to them or out of concern for me but from what they could gain by being with me. It can be hard to determine this for someone, but you usually begin to see it when schedules or priorities clash.
Also in this subject, there are two kinds of interest, I have learned over my years. Even if they are interested or have care for you, personally, they still may not be interested in you as a mate. It's two separate things for someone to care for you as a person or think you are neat as a friend, and someone that wants to kiss, hold, or romance you. Indeed, I have learned that many of those that get the desire don't care for them back, and they are critical of those that they desire. I've heard many spouses talk bad about their spouse, but they desire them and are desired by them. Likewise, many care for someone but really just want the close friendship. Friends are great, but I want to be wanted.
Speaking of priorities, my ex's had time for me when they had time for me.... meaning, they had done everything else that they wanted to do and THEN had time for me. In the case of my first ex, she was working all day and had the only car. She would rarely reply to texts, and she would come home late evenings, when I had to go out and do grocery shopping at midnight at times. We moved when she had a job in another state, without interest or concern of whether I had an opinion on moving or a life that had to change. Indeed, when I was still in the military, she left and went to another state, because she had a job offer, while I was still in. Our daughter had to go live with my sister for a time, until I could leave service. It makes you feel of little value, when the other person of whom you value values you lower than other things. Of course, you can see this in money, too. But, you have to be careful. If they have a LOT of money, a gift from them might seem a sign of value, while to them it is just a day at the store. I made that mistake with the "God told me" breakup.
This is separate from priorities, but it is also very important. Do they have time for you? That CAN be a sign of priority, but it can also be a sign of a life that just doesn't have the space in it for you. There are only so many hours in a day, and depending on the other things in their life that needs to be done, you could find yourself alone a lot. I can tell you from experience that it can be a living hell to be in a "relationship" with someone and yet be more alone than many single people with friends. You can't really talk to others much, and you can't talk to them. So, that's a separate red flag for me.
I've seen many on dating apps and etc that will say something to the effect of saying, "I have a happy life and don't need a man, but I want someone to do things with." Indeed, many feel that they first need to be complete in themselves, before they start looking for someone else. But, what's the point of that? Relationships are meant to be two people that fulfill each other... receive from each other and give. If you are complete on your own, why even begin one? Again, that goes back to either friendship... or even sexual need... that can be fulfilled by others or in other ways. I may be able to pay my bills and do things on my own, but I still desire someone that likes spending time with me, even if we are just sitting on a couch watching tv ... and not for the tv, either.
So, those are just a few things. They are not born out of anything other than my reflecting on my past and what I need to keep an eye for in my future. It's why we take time to see if things work, before we conclude anything about anyone. Doing that too soon can definitely be a mistake and one that I have made, before.