Raise the Bar on Yourself

I have had a mentality in the past that seemed right at the time and think there is a point in it for your self respect, but I think upon reflection that it is also damaging to your self respect.  Thinking it over fresh, I don't think I'd share the mentality, now.

What I used to feel and do was that I didn't want someone choosing me or liking me for superficial reasons.  So, I'd wear glasses or dress casual on many days or more.  I wanted them to like me for me and not for superficial reasons.  I thought this was supporting my self respect.  However, as I've been taking time to improve myself more and more.  I feel good when I look good or dress well... regardless of whether others notice.  I'm not doing it for them.

But, why CAN'T I do it for them, too.  This is a new way of thinking for me, so I'm exploring it.  Not everyone is meant to be your forever person, but they can be a fun part of your life or good to be in your life.  I don't mean it solely sexually, but to use that to make the point... I don't need to understand the lifestory of someone I see on porn, nor do people need to have a connection that lasts with a book or movie character for them to masturbate to that, either.

So.. to bring it back to being PG... if I can enjoy others for even just a conversation or friendly company or to admire... why should I fail at being the best I can be for them.  Making myself less to test their interest doesn't just send the message that I want someone that will love me at my worst but tells them that's all they should expect.. which I do not want to be true.

So, I will be doing more to improve my appearance and more.. for myself, first, but also because I wouldn't want to present less than my best to others.

Transition Chapter

Chapter: Present

 

The last chapter has ended, and this is your transition chapter of your life.  Anyone that has read any amount of books knows that stories do not go in a straight line.  There are rises and falls, switched settings, growth of characters, introduction of new characters or settings, returns of characters or settings, and so on and so forth.  However, when you begin the transition chapter, you are like... what is happening?  Who is that?  What does this mean?  And, what will happen, next?

Your past chapters were fascinating.  Weren't they?  If I look back over my life, I can see chapters of great pleasure or deep struggle or great learning, or life changes.  I can reflect on many different times that I thought.. this is the most important thing in my whole life, and this is the greatest joy.  I've also had moments that I look back and wonder how I survived those moments... more of those over my life than I care to remember.  I've lived in many different places, and I felt that all of them had things to teach me about life, and they did.  I've had different jobs from professional to service to more.  Again, each of them grew qualities in myself that I didn't know existed.  Indeed, especially as I get older, I am now quick to know that I do not even KNOW who I will be, where I will be, and how my life will look 10 years from now... 5 years from now... 1 year from now... shoot, 6 months from now.  

But.. that's future chapters.

This is your transition chapter.  This is your opportunity to change.  This is where you begin new things, make new connections, change your storyline, and introduce a plot shift...one you may not even undersand or know, right now. This is where you reflect on the past, hope for the future, but LIVE TODAY and learn from it.  Your life is neither a fairy tale or a tragedy.  Your life... your book's pages... are being written by every day's stroke of the pen.  So, why not make it interesting.  You don't have to please those no longer in the story.  You don't have to live up to old plot expectations.  You can do... whatever you want to do, and I would suggest that you do.  Have fun, and let that fun teach you about yourself and where you should be heading.

And, then... you will be ready for the next great chapter of your life. 

Get Real

On the path to happiness, we sometimes find ourself wearing rosy colored glasses or indulging unrealistic or unreal optimism about others, but it is very important to keep a clear head, and I want to talk about that.  I will not be referencing the past, because my focus of late is to be realistic about the future.  So, I will be talking about that and what I perceive to be key in a relationship, though you may disagree if it is not the same for you.  Not everyone is like me, and indeed not everyone is relationship ready.... or even relationship desiring... and that is ok, too.  You do you.

Today, I got an email from Match telling me that a hundred people are interested in me and that it was my move to act on it.  I was like... WTF?  So, I opened the email and saw that a hundred women had VIEWED my profile, and a few had sent likes.  Yeah.. that sounds more like it, since I am not very actively swiping on the apps, these days.  But, I thought that story was relevant to this post and point.  A hundred women viewing my profile doesn't mean a hundred women are interested in me.  It means a hundred women CONSIDERED me.  But, dating apps are built upon the premise that the great love of your life is right out there around the corner and that you are desirable to keep you coming back to pay them more money.

Now, I'm not saying I am NOT desirable.  I think I'm pretty awesome, and the right woman will think so, too.  But, not all women are able to see that, and not all women will work with me long term.. even if they DID think something about me was hot or great.  There are many other factors at work out there, and choosing to respond to someone just because they liked you is not a sign that something will remain.  So, I'm actually very picky, right now.  It doesn't mean that I am looking for my forever person in every profile I like or person I would date.  I cant know that without actually talking to them and dating them, but if someone else is that driven to find their forever person then they might bypass signs of misconnection and move faster than is wise... just because I showed interest in them.

And, it is important that it not just be about your interest in them, because you are worthy.  You are worthy for them to make the first move some days or ask how your day went or express interest in your interests or give you a love note or for them to walk over and just hold you and kiss you... just because they wanted to.  You are worthy that they chase you a little and make an effort to win you in the beginning and later.  That doesn't have to happen all the time, but it should be happening.  When there is conflict, you are worthy that they seek reconciliation rather than revenge.  You are worthy that they say how much they miss you, or they rub your feet just because you had a rough day.

As I enter the dating world, anew, it comes after a period of learning about myself and loving myself, and I am bringing that self respect and self love into this endeavor.  I will not be pursuing without being pursued, and I will not be pairing just to be a provider.  As I noted in a social media post some weeks back, I believe that if you base your relationship upon helping someone in need, you end up either having to always keep them in need or help them to the point that they no longer need you.  If that is all it is based on, it is unhealthy and temporary.  Instead, I intend to date someone that doesn't need me but WANT me ... for who I am, not what I can do for them.  And, I will be very real in determining if that is the case or not.  I will be looking and listening, and if it isn't evident to my senses, it is not there enough to maintain a connection.  Again, you may not agree, but not everyone will work for me.  If I never find that in this world that is often self focused, then I will have a fun time dating as a single person... for the rest of my life.. which is not a bad consolation prize.  Shows from Sex and the City to Friends and more show us thast dating doesn't mean mating.... it is a time of exploration, and I am ready to explore. 

Strike Your Note

 In Music of the Ainur by Tolkien, we read the following..

 "The next Theme had a sound unlike the others before it. It began quietly amid the confusion of the Second Theme, and sounded like the rippling of soft and sweet notes. It gained power and depth over time, until two completely different songs were being made. One was filled with "immeasurable sorrow", which gave it tremendous beauty, while the other was a loud, pompous theme playing in violent opposition to it. Nevertheless, this repetitive theme could not overcome the sorrowful one, and the latter merely took the former's greatest notes and "[wove them] into its own solemn pattern". The strife between the two themes caused the dwelling of Ilúvatar and even the Void beyond it to shake. At this point, Eru stood once more and raised both his arms, "and in one chord, deeper than the Abyss, higher than the firmament... the Music ceased"."

This is where we are in the song. There is a lot of instruments out there making their music.  Some are looking for unity of sound and harmony, while others are trying to drown it out with discord.  However, there is a purpose beyond the moment..

"The Ainur saw a Vision of what their song had created— "a World that was globed amid the Void... but was not of it". They saw the history of this World as it unfolded, and witnessed the part each had played in its making. Even the discords of Melkor contributed to the glory of this creation."

You may not understand it, and it has taken me most my life to see it. But, the dark notes matter.  Darkness has as bit of a part to play in the creation of your story and of you than does the light.  If you shelter yourself from it, you will find yourself less than half of what you could become.  It is easy to stay a sheltered child, but if you wish to actually grow and know the whole of what the world is and what your part is to play in it, you must be willing to understand the sad notes.  Then, you will understand joy.

You have a part to play in the song.  You.. yes.. even you.. have a voice to be used, an instrument to add to the song that has been going on long before you were born and will continue to do so long after you are just dust.  The universe is billions of years old and will continue for a billion more.  Best you can do is to learn how to play YOUR instrument to add to the song. 

Respect the Pain and the Past of Others

So... this was actually the blog that I felt most compelled to write, earlier.  But, it is less rosey and is something I am working on in myself, as well.  But, as I am watching the end of the new Bridgerton episodes, I find myself drawn to complete the blog.  So, here it is.

We all carry around pains and challenges from our past.  In some cases, those pains can transition, so you are able to carry them in another way.  However, I do not believe that they ever truly go away.  I do believe that wounds between people can heal in a way that reconciliation can happen, even if that reconciliation is different than before.  But, I believe that it is only possible by respect for the wounds of the past and in such way that they are not repeated.

Lately, I have shown some liking of a show of a comedian that acknowledges some of the same cynicism that I have of organized religion.  And, I will do my best not to bring that cynicism to this blog post, but it is important to note that this cynicism is not recent and is long standing, based upon a long list of mistreatment and neglect by those in religious positions or those who were religious.  Again, I want to emphasize that it is not recent, even if it can affect my perception of those that are religious.  I do not want to allow my past to characterize those that are religious, today.. even when I see similarities or further things happen to irritate that scab from the past.  I can and have tried to ignore it and be overly optimistic, but that would not be real and based upon enough evidence to overcome that past.. not yet.  And, there are many such examples of contemporary religious hypocrisy and judgment out there in the world, so it is not something that is imagined in my mind.

I only say that to say this.  I have a past with religion that should be respected by someone that would care for me, just as they should respect my past with past emotional wounds... religious or otherwise, even as I should also be someone that respects that in others.  There is no.. well, they just need to hurry up and heal.. ever.  Wounds change you, and the person that exits on the other side is not the same as the one that entered.  It is not possible to just pretend that that never happened.

So, this difficult blog post is only here to say this.  If you care for someone, you will respect their full nature.. you will love the person that exited the wounds, not giving an expectation that they will return to being without them.  If they are dark or hardened, the cure is not for them to suddenly be rich of hope and to be able to be like you.  Care for them is to care for their darkness, or you never really cared for them... themselves.. at all. 

Reclaim Your Swagger

There is a scene in a movie that I usually watch every year in the fall but didn't this last fall (Serendipity) and a scene in it that I have quoted in various blogs over the years.  That was when Jonathan's friend quotes Epictetus to him that said if you want to improve you must be content to be thought footish and stupid and that he was out there doing it and making it happen.  That isn't the part that I want to use for this blog post, though it is entirely true.  Then the friend tells him, "You're the sht".. and Jonathan notes to a nearby stranger that heard it, "That's me.. the sht."

Lately, as I have focused on what I like about me and as I improve myself and fell in love with myself, I have felt really good and happy without needing anyone's approval to be so.  My smile came not from external validation but from internal resonance with my own soul, which only drove me to become more and more myself.  But, I noticed something on my walks and when I am walking at work and other places.  I notice that my head is up and my back is vertical.  Now, I know that is how you are supposed to be walking and should not slouch, but that is not my point.  For a long time, as I walked I would be looking down, sometimes in thought or down or unsure.  But, now, I'm walking around like I deserve to be there.. which.. of course.. I do.

Reflecting on this reminds me of my gunnery sergeant in the Army who used to say, "What are you looking at your feet for.  There isn't any shrapnel down there."  He was a good man and helped me to win soldier of the month, once month.  But, the point is very valid.  You should be proud of yourself.  You have a lot to offer, and no one is going to be able to see that if you are always down about mistakes or feeling inadequate for those that are not qualified or capable to appreciate you. So... reclaim your swagger.  As Adam Lambert once sung, STRUT.

Now, I am not saying that you should ignore your mistakes or not find ways to improve.  I do that every day.  I'm also not going to say that the things of the past that weighs on you will suddenly go away or change.  That isn't the point.  If you ware waiting for everything to feel and be perfect to start to shine, you will remain that way, forever.  There is a time to pull away and  feel and learn and process, and I will not rob you of your pain.  It will do much.  But, as that healing begins to take hold and you begin to realize that maybe you weren't all bad but just not right for someone, or someone wasn't able to appreciate how good you are, you have to take a step back and look at yourself and your progress and say.... that's me.  I'm the sht.  Because, well, you are to the right people, first of who is yourself. 

Smile Moments in My Week

I'm slightly altering my no personal details rule.  I am still going to be keeping close relationship details of my past or what may come about sometime in the future private, or things related to my family private, unless there is a good thing that all involved has authorized and is safe to share.. that would be a very tight exception on an otherwise non share.  However, I want to start sharing moments that just made me happy in my week that do not fit in the above categories.  So, here's some happy moments in the last weekend and week.

Cooking- I have really come to enjoy experimenting with cooking and making yummy food.  I made a great fish meal two different nights with a different combination of spices and veggies.  I think both were a hit for flavor.

Fitness- I walked a couple incredible photo walks around Gathering Place and Riverside and expanded my gym time to include more and different equipment.  I like feeling healthier and my jeans are now so loose I could probably drop a pant size.

Out and About- I did a couple meetup groups events, including one on Margarita day and had a great margarita and met and heard stories from some interesting people.  After the trivia night, I wandered over and checked out Valkyrie bar for the first time and had a great drink there.

I made a couple playlists that were fun to make and like that my new focus in recent weeks has been more positive in them.  

I saw and shared a lot of great Instagram pics including ones that were inspirational and some that were sexy.  I like being able to openly be as "dirty minded" as I can be.. being single has that liberty.  I'm also less driven to be in a relationship but more interested in just having fun being me.. though I'm not opposed to relationships... someday.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but those made me smile.

There were other not so fun moments like doing taxes ..  ha.  But, doing this post series will be a good addition to my blog.