Friday, September 21, 2018

Dear Diary - Letting Myself BE Feminine

I do Tarot cards, having the gift of divinity from my earliest days.  You may dismiss it.  However, I can tell you that the cards have NEVER been wrong about what makes up my past, what is making up my present, or what shortly came to pass.  However, I haven't done it in a while.  I need to get back in practice.

One of my last readings was when I was leaving accounting and was starting to become ok with the idea of being less structured and doing things that I liked to do.  One thing that I remember from that reading was talking about what was about to come about, and it said the DEVIL card was about to come.

Now, for those that do not understand tarot reading and are from a Christian background, you may be big bad evil spirit is coming to get you.  That isn't what the Devil card represents.  It represents addiction.  However, I didn't understand what it meant, though...yet.

Then, I would spend the next several weeks feeling like I was not making enough money and searching for the next financial option.  As it turns out, one did pop up, and that was the Tulsa Teacher program.  After all, I told myself, I liked raising my children and had considered teaching for a long time.

Well, it soon became clear that I was not physically able to do that job or any major job, due to physical limitations such as high blood pressure and back issues....not that I really WANTED to be doing a JOB, anyway.

It would not be for weeks, before I would see what the Devil card represents in my addiction to falling back into the expectations of bowing to what others expected from me to rule over my own personal desires.  THAT fact... what had ruled over me, since I was very little, whether it be my father, my teachers, military men, other men around me, other women around me, and so on.  In my whole life, I have not even picked most of my own CLOTHES, till recently...till I married someone I loved that loved me for me and let me be me.

So, MY DEVIL or my addiction is the self-judgmental voice that has been created in my head from decades of hearing it from others.  While I am in a place that I can freely dispense with that self-criticism, I hear it from my past and hear it applauding when the local Evangelical Republican culture says something that it likes.  My life would be much better away from that food for my inner beast, but I cannot leave the area, until all my kids are grown up.  Till then, I must learn to control it.

So, I try.

However, as I try, I discovered yet a new wrinkle in my turtle shell exit of revealing myself to the world.  When I TRY, I find myself trying IN A DEVIL CARD WAY.  What do I mean by that?  I mean, I find myself trying by creating alternative justification BOXES, where it would be allowed.

Like...I say that I like driving, so I am an UBER driver.  Or, I say that I like writing, so I am a WRITER.  Or, I say that I like cooking, so that is like a home chef.  Or, I say that I like raising kids, so I am a teacher or a stay at home parent or....and so on and so on.

And, for a long time, I see nothing wrong with this exploration, except...I am not centering on one thing.  I am finding a lot of interests, but I grow weary of trying to UNIFY those interests into a career....ding ding ding ding ding.

Have you been paying attention to my blog?'s the DEVIL card.  Suddenly, I am back to feeling the need to quantify my interests in such a way that it satisfies the BOXES of those that need me to be in THEIR box how THEY think MY life should be.

And...that box MALE, since I was born with a penis.  Therefore, I MUST have a job, and as such I must have a career that describes WHO I AM.  Then, I feel that I am not GOOD enough, because my interests do not fall into a career...I call myself broken, and WHY do I say that.  I say that, because I am saying that I am not a good enough MAN. 

Did you get that?  In following my feminine interests, I judge myself a failure, because I am not a good enough picture of the man others think I should be. 

Now...the final question.

IF the reality is that I am too emotionally driven and scattered to be a well organized man, is the problem that I am not a good enough MAN or that I am too good of a woman to work as a man? 

I'll leave you to chew on that this week.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

The Evil of Testosterone (in both MEN and WOMEN)

I have realized something that I bet every doctor knows and every scientist but have been afraid (or unwilling) to say.  Testosterone is the cause of the destruction of society.  Here's why..

I was born a man, and I ... unfortunately ... live in a man's body, even though I have been able to suppress that portion of my body's effect to be more at peace with who I want to be.  However, it has not been an easy process, and I still face the damaging effects of living in this body. 

Even after I left my past of feeling I had to measure up in the dick contest of income production and things (and other ways), I still dealt with that past instinct coming back again and again.  Each time, it would produce new problems.  For example, I would MENTALLY be happy with being at home, but I would FEEL like I was failing by not making more money, even if I had physical limitations on being able to do so.  In fact, those limitations only served to make me feel MORE like a failure.

Indeed, even though I was happy to take on the role of housekeeper as my wife increased her work load, I was depressed at not having RECOGNITION or ACHIEVEMENTS on which to hang my sense of self worth.  But, here's the thing... that is a MASCULINE void I was trying to feel... i.e. Testosterone.

Then, for the last few months, I have been ok with everything.  I was happy to just be at home, and I moved closer and closer to being who I like to be with only random periods of self esteem issues.  Then, something happened, yesterday.  I missed my Statin dose ... a Cholesterol lowering drug that 1 in 4 over 40 takes.  As the day went on, I became more irritable and defensive and feeling more and more like a failure.  Then, I took it, today, and everything is rosy, again.

So, I googled.  As it turns out, Statins block TESTOSTERONE, as well, accounting for their calming effect.

Now... stop and think about that for a minute.  The makers of the drugs and the medical community, as a whole, designed a drug to help you lower your blood pressure and artery risk, and it blocks the hormone associated with being a man.

This makes sense.  Think about it.  What do we associate with being manly...

...Donald Trump's anger, pussy grabbing, locker talk, affairs, etc.
...NFL and other sports ATTACKS of players on each other, as men cheer.  In Roman times, it was fights before a crowd.
...using and abusing women.
...greed of having a lot of things.

So, being a man decreases your lifespan (which it does) because you are pumped full of a chemical that is literally KILLING you.

Honestly, if I could cut those parts off, I think I would live a healthier and happier life, not just for being in a body I would like but because I wouldn't be led to self-destruction.  However, even if I were a woman, it would still be a problem...ONCE a MONTH.  Ha.  Each month, estrogen drops and testosterone becomes more prevalent.  What do we know about this is when they are HOSTILE and IRRITABLE, and this increases once they enter menopause, which is why women become more hairy and irritable, as they get older.

So, conclusion.  Testosterone is the source of the ills of both society and families, and we would be much better off if we acknowledge it and block it.