Courageously Spring Forward

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring.  In many ways this year has seemed long, and warmer temperatures are a welcome change.  However, Spring is in many ways a time of courage and determination.

Consider the plants that have battened down the hatches for colder temps.  Many animals in the wild have done it, as well.  They were faced with very harsh conditions, and if they were basing their expectation upon what they were seeing, it would be a very bleak outcome.  However, their very being gave them hope.  Seasons change.  Things improve.  Spring is coming.

There have been many season in my life that has felt like it would last forever.  I spent many years of very harsh conditions in my life, and just one example... my romantic aspirations.. had got to the point where it seemed that it would never work out for me.  I was happy for others, but I couldn't see how it would work out for myself.  Then, facing other challenges in my life in health and finances and more made me feel even more doubtful of a happy outcome.  So, I began to lose hope and think that the best that I could hope to do would be to remove the negative and toxic conditions that surrounded me to at the very least have a stabilizing peace and close by family and friend supports.

Then, things began to improve.  In some areas of my life, it wasn't a sudden rise.  It was more like the see saw rise of win win loss, win win loss... that although indirect did gradually improve by my efforts and events.  Romantically, it has been a fairy tale find of the one that is perfect for my heart and my life.  However, it came after many, many years of finding failures of attempts... failures that were necessary to bring me to this point of happiness.

However, NONE of the improvements would have happened without the courage to try.  Just like the seed stalk that pushes its way up through the cold land to find sun, they had to have hope that a good outcome is possible and to keep trying until it does.

So, I don't know what you are facing in your life.  I don't know all the challenges or disappointments that surround you.  I know you might have faced loss and some parts of your life that once had joy are closing or closed.  I know you might have had disappointments that make you not want to take the chance.  However, I would wager that the good you did have were the result of acts of a courageous heart, as well.  The solution isn't to stop trying, when one attempt fails to produce the desired outcome that would remain.  The lesson is... seasons change.  The cycle resets.  New opportunities lie ahead of you for joy and adventure, and all it requires for you to Spring forth into the new season of your life is the courage to believe in a better day and make the attempt.  I am routing for you in that endeavor.

 

Reflections on a Romantic Journey

 I tend to provide help for others as i understand.. or think I understand.. on my blog so others will not have to learn the things I've learned often from mistakes and more.  While I do not claim to have it all figured out... I learn things daily.. I thought I'd share a few things that I have found true in my life and which I attempt to follow.

1.  I must begin with a precaution, although I'm far past that point in my current relationship.  Do not just try to make a bad match work or pretend something exists that does not.  You will lose years or decades of your life if you do not heed this warning.

2. Love them.  There is a wide gap between a toxic or evil relationship and one that is thriving.  Good enough is not good enough for them... or you.  Be worthy.  Give them what they need.

3.  Understand what they need.  Each relationship like each person is unique.  Take the time to understand how to love them.  What is important to them?  How do they receive love?  They are worth your learning this.

4.  Love is not just in what you do but what you don't.  Oftentimes, it is the quiet.. the space.. the things you actively do NOT do that is most important.

5.  Being a boyfriend or girlfriend is not a stepping stone.  Long after I reach a legal status, my highest goal will STILL be being the best boyfriend I can be to her.  Love has never been about legalities or documents or ceremonies or more.  Yes.. those can be nice, but if it's about that only... it's nothing.  

6.  Romance isn't a race.  In my experience, it is the slowest moments that carry the most value.  Being slowly loved or loving someone slowly is the height of existence.

7.  Join the song.. don't try to be the conductor. When we lead things, it tends to cause problems.  Pay attention to the song God is conducting and be q useful instrument to a beautiful song.

That's enough for now.

Share Their Burden

So, God has been preparing me by a couple independent and also equally important life experiences to receive something in church, today.  I won't go into all the details of those events, but each played a part in my own ability to both understand and appreciate it.  

I was sitting in church at the Ash Wednesday service, and I am not even sure what brought it into mind but thought of my children.  It's not a huge leap for that thought to come.  I think about my kids at least some, every day.  However, sitting in church I felt God saying that I was sharing God's burden, as They also have children that are separated from them,  also led astray by others and youthful pride.

Of course, me being me.. this led to an inner argument with God.  I was like..  well, your kids come back, and I felt God saying not all do.  I was like... what did I do wrong to have to face this, and I felt God asking what They did wrong to face it.  So, I was realizing .. it wasn't because I was wrong and isn't a punishment.  It's just life that happens to everyone... even God.

After the tears filled my eyes as I processed this,  I felt comforted and valued that I could share this burden of God, and that led to the next connection.  

Lately, I've had a new thing I've been learning, which has helped to undo a lot of bad past relationship programming.  For much of my life in many areas, I've felt judged by my actions.  I felt that if I wanted to improve things, I had to do things. I felt the absence of doing things was bad, so I always looked to fix things in my life or for others.

First, God brought me into a perfect relationship for me with an amazing person without much of my planning... just participation.  When I did try to do things, it often got in the way til I .. again.. let God guide things.  However, I've also realized that others... and myself.. have struggles we cannot fix.  When I'm the one struggling, I know others cannot fix them, so I simply want their love in them.  And, I'm learning that often the most loving thing you can choose for others is, again, just to do nothing but provide love and support.  It's counterintuitive for my past.. doing nothing,  I felt, was letting them down and allowing distance to separate.  Yet, the reverse proved true.. providing space and support and love was in fact the best thing I could do. The best was simply to share their burden, as I do with God and God with me.

Realizing this makes me want to help other of God's kids to find their way back to God.  But, it also makes me change how I perceive we fix the world.  We don’t have to fix the world of others.  What we should do, rather, is simply let them know that we are there for them and give them the space and support as they face it, letting them know they are not alone.

Great Adventure

Recently, I've been living the most amazing romance of my life, better than anything I have known. It is at one time everything I have wanted and so much I've never experienced, which has caused me so much bad wiring of what I'd expect to be re-written.  It's been a healing and liberating process as things about myself I felt I had to hide are valued and desired and things I felt the need to prove are shows to be unnecessary in pure love.. for me... not for what I can provide.  It's wonderful.

Sometimes, I feel the old world voice coming at me ... questioning my purpose or gauge of success in the relationship.  It tends to go to old standards.  As a man, that can go to what you provide and do for her. Providing and doing ARE good things to do, but it's a new world.  And, I'm in love with an equal partner, who lovingly receives my care but also likes to SHOW her care..  another very good but completely new experience for me.  So, when she provides, I do happily receive and love it, but that old world voice is over there feeling like I'm not doing my part, because my PART has always been defined as the provider.  This is based on the old world view that so many still believe today.. and which an entire political party seeks to enforce on everyone.  However, I have always stood for equality, and I not only believe God designed us to be equal but find an equal partnership sexy.

There is an old Christian song from an artist who once upon a time I listened to (both artist and the song) a lot.  The song is The Great Adventure by Steven Curtis Chapman.  If I quoted it here, I'd be quoting all the lyrics.  But, look at the lyrics and listen to the song. How it applies to this post is that from the beginning God has directed this relationship out of my hands, and we are a 3 fold cord, with God weaving us together.  I've said it is a new adventure for me in so many ways... and that I cannot use past relationships to define my expectations or interpret things.  I also cannot use broken society models to define or direct it, which would only dampen its magic. Instead,  I need to welcome it, saddle up my horses, and ride into the new adventure, feeling happily secure in love,  not what I can do to be worthy.  And, I think that will be a much more satisfying journey.

Light in Dark

I was sitting in my office, today, listening to people pack up their things on the day they were fired.  I have worked at the government, and like many thousands that was a doomed venture from the start, even if we had no way of knowing that upon taking the job... as everyone with less than a year of service was either fired or took a resignation deal like I took.  However, the experience dove tails into my recent thoughts of things that people need to remember in this time and about which i wanted to say.  So, I'll use it to illustrate some points.

So, back to my listening and observation of these individuals' final day.  I heard some with the most anger and most sad reactions being the same ones that over the last weeks was heard spouting the most unrealistic hopeful delusions.  I'm not anti hope.  I'm a hopeful person, but life has taught me to temper that with clear vision.  I've also been in relationships where I thought someone cared but was really just my own projection of what I desired to be true.  Like those let go at work, the truth DOES eventually make itself known.  You can either ignore the dark notes in the story and be side swiped, or you can recognize the uncomfortable truths and make proper decisions... which is why I'm not losing pay after today like them, but I'll have a smoother path to my next employment.  It is often the most deluded that ends up with the deepest pains.

Change is inevitable.  It doesn't mean a bad thing that something changed.  It means you have to adapt and adjust.  Life changes all the time, and those most likely to be happy are those able to be happy IN the middle of the change or the struggles.  If you are waiting for everything to be perfect or even peaceful around you, you miss out on a lot of good, and that good can help you have peace in other areas.  Like... my job is changing, the President is a dictator destroying the country, and ... yet... I'm living the happiest loving relationship of my life, right now.  That love gives me peace to deal with the rest.  So, look for the happy moments and happy futures to give you fuel for the other things in your life. 

Similarly, you have to realize that you're probably not going to get your ideal outcomes in all areas of your life.  Some may be or feel that good.  Cherish those.  However, my experience has been you often have to just do the best you can do.  And, the best you can do is... the best you can do.  Stop comparing it to your unrealistic outcome hopes.   Like... my taking the resignation offer wasn't a choice between resigning or a job.  If I didn't take it, I'd have been fired, today.  So, comparing it to a job that continues was NEVER in the cards, even if I didn't realize it upon taking the job.  

The best you can do is the best you can do.  So, stop lamenting that which was never going to happen and take pride in yourself that you made it through another day in the best possible way you knew to do it.  Your living the best outcome you can, if you choose wisely.  Look forward and look up.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Make it one worthy of your participation and end in the happiness that you can find along the journey.

Hit the Lights.. Celebrating Good

There was a George Lopez episode that I saw one time (I've actually seen them all) where his mom would object to George saying good things or being happy, because it would bring disaster and harm upon you.  A lot of people believe this, whether spoken or not.  Others think you shouldn't mention good, because others have it bad and that your good will make them feel bad.

But, what's the point of the potential for happiness if you can't let yourself be happy?  Why should the good be kept quiet, when the bad gets evangelized or noted daily.  Indeed, those living in the struggle needs to know there is a potential on the other side for something good in order to believe and push through... and they want to have that hope.

I'm in the best relationship of my life.  It is pure and true, and things are clicking and flowing like I always believed was possible but never saw.  Down towards the last few years, I felt I had missed my opportunity and that it was for others.  Then, I met her.  It's been a fairy tale since... like... stories you hear about but never see.  And, while we are both introverts that don't like a lot of social attention and like the quiet personal connection, I do feel it is worth noting some of the amazingness of it to help and inspire others.

First, as I've noted, recently, safety and security is key.  Being able to openly confide in each other about your fears, past, struggles, and personal doubts about yourself while knowing the other person will not judge you for it is delicious and liberates you to exchange your fears for love and your walls for bridges.

Next, being able to have fun together is important.  The ability to separate yourself from challenges to instead spend time enjoying time with each other is important.  I can think of several times when things in my mind dealing with other things still wasn't resolved, but I made a decision that I'd RATHER spend my time with her and joy and love... so I did.  She has done the same.  This allows us to recharge each other to leave and face the challenges anew.  

Connected to that is what I've mentioned in a past blog. Your relationship should never be you vs your partner but should be your partner and you vs the challenges.  Be on the same side.  Your goal SHOULD be their happiness.  If it is, winning doesn't always mean being right.  You should value their happiness and confidence as high or higher than your own.  When both have this attitude, it's magical... and we do.

Effort.  A personal lack from my past was people making an effort on behalf of me.. or to please me.  My past relationships was one way in that regard.  So, having it flowing both ways is unusual for me and actually goes a long way in restoring my faith in humanity.  But, like intimacy of sharing weaknesses, you can't wait til the other person does it to begin.   You do it, and their response will tell you if they are good or not.

There's a lot of points I could make, but I'll end with this for now.  As you are exploring each other and learning about each other, taking time to try their things and discover shared interests is important.  You may not know what you'll like in their world, if all you have ever focused on is your world. In our case, we already shared so many likes, opinions,  habits, and hobbies.  But, I've learned many new food types, tv shows, and much more by taking an interest in what made her... her.

So, im gonna let our light keep shining, and I hope this blog and our example will help others light their own, as well.

Safe & Sound

As I get more and more into a truly functional relationship for the first time in my life, I have to rewrite many wrong lessons I learned from the prior ones.  Probably the most significant is learning what it is like to be in a safe space. 

Its not something I feel the need to learn to do and receive.  It is a natural product of real love that I feel and am given.  Yet, from time to time I feel the need to apologize for some small failure that was out of my control, only to have the other person patient and undemanding.  It's a great feeling, and it is the thing above all else that has allowed us to get this close.  We trust in each other, and we adjust to each other.

I saw a meme a few weeks back that said it's not you vs your mate but you and your mate vs the problem.  I like that.  That's how it is.  If you truly love someone, you feel for them in their struggle and even in your conflicts, and your goal is not to win but to care for each other.  That's the best outcome to any situation.

So, this blog is just saying this.  Find connections where you can be absolutely honest, openly compassionate, patient and loving.  Provide safety for them, and receive the security they provide.  And, without noticing, you'll find yourself deep in the middle of the best LOVE relationship you've had in your life.