Peaceful Security in Love

There is a part of the Hunger Games Mockingjay movies where Peeta had been tortured and conditioned to distrust and to hate his long time close friend Katniss.  As he struggled to undo the mental damage that had been done to him, he would periodically say something that he thought he knew about their history and ask... "true or not true."  For many of us, we have been conditioned to distrust humanity and people that are close to us.  And, as we find someone that is indeed worthy of our love and trust, old fears pop up at times, and we have to look at them and ask ourselves the same objective question.  Is this indeed true or is it a reflection of the past.  The more that we determine that it is, indeed, trustworthy.. the more we can let go of the old fears, and there is such a wonderful peace that can be found on the other side.

I have had a lot of examples of being abandoned or attacked by those I once trusted in the past, and it tainted my perception for years to come.  Luckily, a few years ago, I began undoing that damage within myself, before I ever met someone that would completely shatter those fears with true love.  In those years, I asked myself.... do you really want to walk around with your focus on the negative of the past, or do you want to focus on or make the good that you can have in the present or future.  In those years, I still had multiple things happen that challenged that positivity, but each time they did I would look at them SPECIFICALLY.. not making generalizations.  THIS person was not good.  THAT action was hurtful.  Etc.  I decided to look at everything objectively, and that was the foundation that I took with me into my beginning of this wonderful romance.

And, it was wonderful.  I didn't ASSUME it was wonderful.  I didn't paint a rosy glasses picture of what I wanted to see on what was there.  I was fully willing to not settle for something that was toxic or less than I deserved.  So, as I began to see how wonderful she was, I was objectively shocked.  I remember telling someone... "This is actually real."  There would be moments of old fears that would pop up, but over and over again I objectively pushed them down and instead based my relationship on what I actually saw.  I won't pretend to have always defeated my old fears, but more experience of feeling more and more secure in the truth of her love allowed me to be more and more myself.  Then, that freedom to be myself led to her knowing me and my knowing her, and both of us relished that safety and security.

Earlier this morning, I was reflecting on just how amazing this has been in that particular aspect.  When I am with her, I love her and am recharged by seeing the love in her eyes and more.  When I am not with her, I STILL am powered by my love for her... without fear.  That's what lets it remain at all times.  Unlike my past of having the ground fall out from under my feet in situations where I didn't have such security, I have for quite a while KNOWN that I love her and that she loves me.  There isn't any doubt.  I don't feel the need to perform to impress her, because I know that she loves me without being based on what I do.  And, that peaceful security makes me love her even more and want to do things for her .... simply to make her happy.

Scripture says that love casts out all fear, and isn't it a MUCH better way to spend your days falling more and more in love with someone that you know will always care for you than walking around feeling like that could slip away at any moment in a relationship that is based on what you can do for them.  If you don't have this kind of relationship dynamic, I'd recommend you have a conversation with your significant other.  My guess is that if they truly care for you, they would want the same.  And, if they ARE simply with you based on what you can do for them, better to know that, now.  

I with you peace in knowing you can love yourself and live in the love of others, simply for being the miracle that you were made to be.

Light in the Dark

I have focused a lot over the last 5 months on the joys in my life, and I think that is probably because they are so wonderful and so unexpected and took control away from my cynicism and gave it to what I consider to be a divine adventure.  But, that does not detract from the fact that I have a LOT more experience in life of disappointment, pain, and having to recover from near total loss on many occasions.  I read the story of Job, and I am like... it only happened once?  That is not to say that I cannot have joys, now.  But, I feel that if God was preparing me for anything it was to understand the pains of many people, as I have experienced many of them... not all but definitely more than a typical human share.

I have faced medically forced financial struggle several times over my life.  I have had family in medical strains.  I have lost family to medical issues.  I have personally been unable to work with a retina issue that would cause 6 months of issues and had in this and other times in my life to find ways to pay not only rent but food with very little local friends or family support.

I have raised a baby by myself, while her mom had a post partum psychotic break combined with Mania, while completing graduate studies on loans to pay for not only our bills but a job that would provide financial security.  I have seen those children be swayed by a vindictive ex that I took care of in that time to be turned against me and is currently influencing them to not communicate with me, because she simply didn't like me and held a grudge for my leaving her toxic marriage.

I have been abandoned by friends and family and lost support for political positions and more.  I have pissed off people from both sides of the aisle for simply having a differing opinion.  I have a lot of social contacts at present.. at least a lot for me.. but I tip toe into the social stream from having had such before and lost them in moments or been ignored from them for being different.

I could go on an on, but I don't need to do so.  The moments of darkness that has been present in my life was accompanied as well by moments of joy and love and peace, often from the most unexpected places.  I have seen more compassion by atheists than many religious.  I have felt peace from acceptance of loss.  I have felt love by those that barely knew me, though family was there for me, as well.   One thing that I have learned in all the story is that I believe God doesn't always speak through the church, though God can, but often through others.  And, that message isn't always in comfort but is often in pain.  Darkness is important at times to prepare you, but it is also truth for most people and must be acknowledged to have a clear understanding of the world of many, today.

Don't expect light and joy and happiness in all your world.  That in my experience is impossible.  But, you CAN find light in all your days.  In my experience, it is better to focus on the light that you have than the darkness of lack and make the best of the days given to you.  That has led me to quite a happy future ahead and light... in the context of the darkness around it.

Change

I was walking around The Gathering Place in Tulsa this weekend with my love and was thinking that the park was a great illustration of my path leading  to her and my life.

Years ago, I used to run Riverside walking and running path in Tulsa and took pics of the pedestrian bridge and thought it was all great.  Then, they changed it, and I was like... why did it need to change, it was great as it was.  However, now, it's amazing.

I mean... it's not a perfect illustration.  In my past relationships, it wasn't great.  There were good things that could be found, here and there.  But, there were more problems than solutions, more fights or disharmony  than resonance.  And, I would make excuses or try to find beauty where it didn't always exist.  It's like that pedestrian bridge.  I said it was wonderful, but I do remember it having big spiderwebs and spiders and was scary at night.  I just ignored that.

Now, it's fantastic, and I love my walks along it with my love.  It's become one place among many in  our story.  Just like the change of the park, I'm discovering piece by piece what was not present, before.

I saw a video on social media this morning where John Clease was quoting someone that said the skills to know something is good is the same skills as being able to do it. If you don't have the skills, you don't know you're not good at it.  Similarly, I think the experiences of a truly loving relationship can only really be appreciated by someone that has it.  If you have not, you can't fully understand that you lack it.

Well, I am very happy after changes in my life that at the time I felt were unnecessary, and I'm so happy to be discovering the adventure of love in which I find myself and the amazingness of a love I never knew existed.  I hope as life presents you change, you will also look forward to what can be and not the excuses you made for the past or what could not be.  There is much ahead to discover.

Falling in Love

 Falling in love is..

 ... passionately, willingly losing control..

... choosing to believe in adventure over cynicism..

... finding someone who is loves you for you and is safe enough to allow you to show them exactly who that is for them to love..

... feeling the rush of potential, as the wind of potential fills your sails..

... being absolutely fascinated by simple wisdom and being absolutely enthralled by the gentle slope of a shape or the light of an eye or a smile..

... feeling energized by a kiss, a touch, a word, a moment... a dozen times a day..

NEVER let the magic of love be lost in routine or activities.  THIS is where real life is offering you a gift.  Take it.. give it.. live it.

We Are Not the Same

 Given the subject line, this requires a disclaimer.  I do not mean that we are not the same by race, gender, or other demographic measure.  In those areas, we are equal.  However, we are not the same.

My experience of my life is that people are not all the same.  We all have the same opportunity to become worthy.  However, all do not take it.  Some will rise to the occassion as he says in Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium to become the best version of themselves.  Others will resort to their base programming or choices.  However, all will define themselves by their actions.

Some will value others.  Some will value themselves.  Some will look to elevate others.  Some will elevate themselves.  Some will look to accuse blame.  Some will assume blame to clear others.  However, all will act differently based upon their nature.  And, all should not be treated as equal in the response.

In our age of equality, we like to say that all are equal.  That is true for demographic measures.  However, if I'm in a restaraunt and the waitress does an exceptional job, I'm going to give them a bigger tip.  Not everyone gives the same effort or attention to detail.  Those that do, deserve a bigger reward.

So.. this is a little post, simply to say that we are not all the same.  Some actually deserve a response, while other deserve exclusion.

Energy

 

I got this very deformed ash tray from my child, when they were young. I still have it, today.  I never smoked.  I have it, because my child made it for me.  When I see it, it has an energy that it departs to me in remembering them.

On the flip side, when I got divorced, I got rid of things that reminded me of my ex.  I didn't want to continue to see things that reminded me of this person that didn't love me and would remind me of false love and hurt that I got from them.

In both cases, they are not the person.  They are objects.  Yet, those objects carry forth the ability to evoke memories and establish ties with people that are not present.  They carry energy that they depart... good or bad.  We can try to ignore that fact.  We can say to ourselves.. no.. they are just objects.  But, that doesn't change their power to evoke those kinds of memories or enact emotional toll or comfort.

Sometimes, objects can give us courage. People will wear crosses or other things to do that.  In Dumbo it was a feather.  There wasn't power in the feather.  However, that didn't stop the feather from both giving courage and more, simply by using the feather as a channel of belief.

Life changes.  We must move on to new adventures, and nothing stays the same.  However, it is possible to make choices of which items to retain and which to avoid to accompany that new journey will reminders of the past.  Then, even when those people are not near (like my child), I can draw from that well of reminder of the times that they were young and with me.  Those times will never come again.  Even if they were close, it would be different.  However, those moments are etched in time and will forever be true, when those times were happening.  If someone, one day, invents a time machine... those moments would exist.  

Now, those times are not as rosy as we like to think in hindsight.  There were challenges.  There were bad people.  There were deceptions.  There were pains.  Thankfully, we don't have to experience all of that in our memories, which is why it is so important as you progress to choose thoughtfully which experiences you want to bring with you and to allow you to continue to influence who you choose to be.  Because, after all is said and done, the power of what we become rests largely in our hands to retain or remake, and create the future and the life that we want to have for ourselves and others.  So, choose wisely what energy you want to feed those days that lie ahead.  

Safe Space

 A quick blog to emphasize something that has been very important in my relationship and that I have not noted, enough.  Some months ago, I did a share of a meme that said a good relationship is one where you and your relationship partner are on the same side of problems, not opposing sides with blame.  

In past relationships, I've been there... I'm sure many have.  It's honestly a symptom more than a cause, I think.  However, you feel in those situations like you're trying to find blame .. whose fault was this or that.  It's a symptom that love is not as present as it could be.

In my current relationship, we're not like that.  I love her.  That means that if she has an obstacle or a problem, it is not a blame.  It is a need.  If I love her.. which I do.. then that is MY need, as well.

If you recognize that every challenge on each side is, therfore, a challenge for both and neither is a blame, it naturally results in a very relationship building exercise.

As this is not noted enough, I thought it worthy to note, here.  We should be our partner's safe space.. not their accuser.  I hope this realization will benefit you in your life, as it has in mine.