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Sunday, July 5, 2020

Sunday Morning - Weekly Reflections

This is going to be a mish mash mix of reflections, as I have been super busy and have a lot of varied things to cover.  In no order...

Relationships and Recovery

It is going to take some time to recover from the last couple years, I realize.  It makes sense.  I put all of my passion into something that will not be in the future, including sacrifice of assets and enduring of stress on behalf of others for things that no longer matter.  I have a new friend coming out of it, but there is no other way but to see that the last several years of my life have been wasted and set me back in terms of trust and the progress I had made from the LAST emotional wounds.

However, it occurs to me that that is how wounds work...especially open ones.  You must first remove the things that CAUSED the wound (which is only partial at this point), cover the wound for a period of time to protect it from other potential threats, and wait for closure.  That's just how it is, and that is what must be done.  No shortcuts.

Work and Income

Well, I worked my ass off (or more like worked ON MY ASS at a computer), and I proved to myself that I can not only pay the bills but put a little away each month just doing Mturk, Usertesting, Prolific, and other sources that I have in my mix.  It won't provide enough for a car in short term, so I explored other additions or alternatives.  I am still in the situation that I can't work for a company, here...if they know I will be leaving in a half year, and I can't apply down there.  I can't get a full time professional income online, as those jobs are taken up by those that are unemployed or working from home.  So...it is that it is.  However, I applied to more Appen jobs, and at some point in the next half year I will get a few of those which will make progress towards my goals.  If the 2nd stimulus that now even the President is on board with happens, those goals happen faster.

Goals
 I have at various times referred to my "devil card" in Tarot that I have seen from time to time.  It refers to you additions that drag you where you don't want to be and for me is the definitions of success that other have given me and what I deem will make me secure.  At different times, it has been this job or that job that I was not physically capable of doing and attempting it took away even what I had.  In this vein, I have sought full time office employment with accounting or customer service or such that has a lot of physical and emotional strain.  The reality is that I am still dealing with an almost PTSD reaction from the last several years and have both high blood pressure and back spasm problems that happen when under great pressure.  I am getting older, and it is time I slowed down.

I think you have to break down goals into steps.  My immediate goal is to work for saving for a car...a good car that is not going to break down.  Then, I can use that to earn even more by driving for Uber or Postmates or such, which as I noted earlier this year actually relaxes my stress levels instead of adding to them.  Once that is going and I save up a little more, I can get a place in Florida, near my daughter.  However, I am NOT JUST GOING THERE FOR HER.  I used to live in Florida, and I like the culture, and I want to return to it.  I look forward to working all day and in the free time doing things like the beach, baseball games, Disney, walks, and more.  I recall them having beautiful sunsets, which I heard was actually from pollution but...pretty nonetheless.  That is my life goal, and that is where I am going.

I spent a little time exploring housing options.  I don't see it possible to buy a house under the current plan...at least not yet.  However, I see that 1 bedroom apartments and renting mobile homes are quite cheap there, and I can definitely make that happen in my budget with a lot to spare.  Even if my credit issues cause problems with all that, I can literally work out of a hotel room...why not?  Free utilities and entertainment, and it is just me.  Still exploring those options, though.

The Rest

For the rest of the reflection, this week has been quite a frustrating experience of trying to keep a dog quiet and from destroying the house, ever time a firework went off.  Even though fireworks are illegal in Tulsa (and I did file a police report), no one cares and it happens all week before the 4th.  So, my sleep has been limited and disrupted.

However, I got a few deals on saving for streaming things, and I saw Hamilton, which was good.  Yes, it is a bit of a mish mash itself, but I think it was made to have individual messages that apply to different people.  Not all sections had something I could use, but there were parts that I thought was very good on which to think.  For example, I liked the message that Washington gave Hamilton that he needed to realize no man can predict or steer their own fate and in the end others will tell your tale.  Very true.  You work hard for what you have in mind, but in the end others will tell your story how they want, good or bad.

Also, I liked when Hamilton was being tempted by 2 women to settle down and just be with them, and he pushed them off to say he wasn't going to throw away his shot.  How I wish that I had done that, many years ago, and where would we be today without the things Hamilton did for the country.

And, that is what I will pick for my last point.  Some will look at the life of Hamilton and conclude his life was a tragedy, since his passion ended up getting his son and himself killed.  However, his passion ALSO created things that even his enemies admired and a foundation upon which we stand, today.  The point is... just because something ENDS BADLY or is not pure (such as his affairs), it does not detract from the GOOD or the BEAUTY that a life can contain.  For my own life....my divorces don't get to define the life that I lived or will continue to live.  Things in my life were good at the time (including those marriages and the raising of my kids), and no result, act, or others can change that reality.  We are not good or bad, but we ADD to the GOOD in our lives and the world, couched in moments of failure and disappointment.  I thought others needed to hear that, as well.

Sexuality

 I have been giving more thought to my sexuality, and I will continue to do so.  I have said that I am bisexual and took the gender of woman for a while (since deciding male but not fully).  Then, when I felt that I needed to focus on work and was not going to be in a relationship, I swung back to the male side harder than I really should have but in a way that was needed.  The fact is that I have likes and personality on both sides, and I can't cut either side out without losing a part of myself.  I like the body of women and imaging holding a woman and enjoying her body (and can imagine that even more being out of a relationship now), but I also like being enjoyed both romantically and sexually and can enjoy that with either gender.

I also like baseball and golf and some sports that I have ignored for  years, because my ex didn't like them, but I also like the arts and Disney and comfortable clothes and looking nice and the conversation of women.  I am becoming more and more aware that given my own personality, it is unlikely I will get a woman to provide that without becoming more masculine that I care to be, but it is TOTALLY something that could happen with being gay...so, giving that more thought.

Anyway, that's all for now.  I will probably only blog once a week, now...maybe twice.  However, my days will be pretty busy going forward.  So, this may be the last till next week on this blog.


Friday, July 3, 2020

Truths Everyone Knows But Pretends Not To..

I believe one of the things that holds a lot of people back from happiness is engaging in what I'd call communally accepted delusions and hypocrisies.  These are the things that we all know but often ignore or outright deny.  I thought I'd go through a few of them, here.  Don't worry...all sides will find something to be offended by here... being exiled from groups frees me to speak openly.  I'll start with politics, but I will go into relationships, individuals, society, and more.

Politics

- Truth:  All major candidates of BOTH sides are only there for themselves.  They want to get rich and have power, and they will say anything (even if contradictory) to get it.  No politicians have convictions, if they can benefit from the reverse.
- Truth:  Both PARTIES condemn the other party for things they, themselves, advocated in the past or are currently advocating.  Chaining immigrant kids was ok under Obama-Biden but horrible for Trump.  Having Republican rallies is risking public health, even if they WERE a week after two weeks of race protests, they say.  They cheered the market under Obama, but it is greedy criminals under Trump.  And, after years of saying they wanted diversity and equa  lity, the Democrat chose a WHITE MAN to lead the party...who happens to be rich, has sexual and international scandals, and more.  Meanwhile, the GOP condemns Biden for being too old, while they stand behind senile Trump.  They attack Dems for states that don't follow Trump, even as they stand for states rights.  They say the Dems are wrong for pushing social policy over business, even as they push for monitoring sex, drug use, and more.
- Both sides would rather demonize the other side, than compromise and actually get things done.

Men/Women

- Women condemn men for wanting bling, toys, and opportunities to show off their wealth, even as women's magazines tell them what thousand dollar dress to buy next, what makeup and jewels to buy, etc and look for opportunities to wear those things out in public...to show off their wealth.  They condemn men for competition, but I have not SEEN more competition than among women competing with each other.  Women condemn men for porn, but they have entire publishing houses dedicated to letting them read sex between people more mentally graphic than the men see in pics, and they masturbate as much to those stories...even married women.  They condemn men for being insensitive, but they SEEK OUT those kind of men .. not only do they designate sensitive men as "friends" or gay but they designate feelings and emotions the realm of women and see any entry into that territory as stealing their identity.
- Meanwhile, men see women as manipulative for using their bodies and makeup to get things from them, even as they work out in gems and buy things as gifts to get things from women.  Men criticize women for trying to control them, even as they hold to beliefs (or scriptures) that say men must be in charge.  Men say women spend too much money, while they are buying games, cars, golf clubs, and more.  Men say that women do not understand business, while a new company goes under every day from mismanagement and play games or talk sports at their desks, instead of working. 

School and Work

- Both men and women believe that education will help make a person rich.  So, they get them to take out huge loans (making educators rich), which will be paid back out of the professional pay, meaning they will net less money than if they worked at McDonalds the whole time.  Further, those loans are owned by the rich, so the poor person is paying a rich person, while staying poor.
- It is commonly believed and promoted that the higher up you go, the harder you work.  However, I know from having BEEN in those circles it is the reverse.  The higher up you go, the more vacation days you take, and you spend your time in meetings TALKING about what the lower people should do for them.  Meanwhile, if you actually DO work well in a lower position, they refuse to promote y you, out of wanting to USE you for their management "successes."

Charity

- Both sides proclaim themselves more charitable than the other side...whether politics, gender, or more.  They all claim to support more causes.  Yet, in my life, I have never seen ANYONE that I personally know giving a dime to any cause, and neither side gave help to me in my times of need.  If you look at the food banks out there, they are usually tax write offs, while neither churches nor liberal political groups give anything to help them.

Relationships

- Men are often condemned for being cheaters for  a glance or a conversation, but I have witnessed many "work wife" situations at different jobs, where women would spend every lunch with a specific guy, getting emotional nurishment they fail to get from their husband...while condemning the man for the attention he gets from women..attention she does not give to their husband.  Indeed, it became a COMMON site to see some women talking about their BAD HUSBAND to some guy at work..or with friends...or at church.  Really...sensitive...
- Meanwhile, men will call a woman a "slut" for flirting, while they will go out of their way to talk to women wherever they go.
- And BOTH genders will say that they want a relationship for years and spend all of that time changing themselves to get someone, only to spend as MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE away from each other... with the guys or the girls or etc.  Then, they will condemn the other for every failure of the other to give them things that they could do for themselves and DID do for themselves, prior to a relationship.  It is almost like they get into a relationship to have someone of which to complain.

Religion

- All religions claim to be living a life of sacrifice, even as all their churches get bigger and the preachers of all churches not only say their financial growth is GOOD, but they tell their believers what to say or do to get more money for themselves.
- Churches accept a lot of donations, but I have never seen a church MAKE donations or hold events for those outside of their walls.
- Men AND WOMEN claim they are living a life of putting off the flesh, as they wear their best clothes to meet people to date and marry, instead of spending time with those at the church in pain or sorrow.
- Every religion claims to be more pure than others and point to things in the scriptures of the other religions that are bad, while ignoring things in THEIR scriptures that are worse... like slaughtering entire towns, forced marriage and sex, slavery, and more.

So... lets be real... we all suck.  We are all only after our own desires, cloaked in deceptions or delusions of purity and holiness.  No side or person is sacrificial, every side is greedy, everyone wants sex, no one is loyal, everyone is lazy, and voting won't actually change ANYTHING.  Then, maybe we can get along with each other and have more peaceful days.

-



Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Enjoy the Valley on Way to the Peak

Something that I have learned from my freelance work years and from just my own life is that life is made up of peaks and valleys.  It does not stay stagnant.  Sometimes, it can take a while to reach the next peak, but my life has had a lot of peaks that I thought would remain and didn't...and a lot of valleys that never seemed like they would end, but they did.  In my freelance and other work, it has been THIS job that excelled or THAT job or THIS project or that one that would take off...and I rarely expected years before to be in that situation.

The point is that you don't know what the next peak will be, even if you are pushing towards it.  Invariably, it always blooms in a way that was not expected and the surprise is a part of the good of it.  So, since you don't know what the next peak will be or when it will be, why should you spend all the time leading up to it that feeling depressed... it's coming, you know it will.

So, even if you don't know the next peak, I would recommend that you look around in the valley, make buddies with the skeletons, take pictures of cactus flowers and make sandcastles in the desert.  You gotta be there... so why not enjoy the journey as much as possible?

Thursday, June 25, 2020

Why Florida? My Life in Two States.

Some might be saying...ok, your marriage is ending, but why do you need to move to Florida?  It is not a light decision, but the case for it is overwhelming.  Here are a few reasons why Florida is...for me.. a path to happiness.

1.  My daughter lives there, now.  As my marriage was ending, and my future income is in development, I had to consider her present and future.  As much as I dislike my ex that lives there, I could not shake the truth that my daughter would grow up with a better high school in that houses with money and stability, rather than traveling with me as I pick up the pieces, even IF she initially wanted to do that.  I told her that she may not see it all, but it will turn out best for her.  So, she lives in Florida, now, and I am in Oklahoma, until I can move.

2.  I have a lot of connections to the state.  I graduated high school there, I had my first real jobs (other than mowing lawns, picking ocra, helping my dad, etc).  I went to college for two years there, during which time I was in a fraternity, led two student union board committes (movies at the sub and student activities), and was involved in religious groups.  I had a Disney annual pass, and I went to the park at least monthly.  I went to Clearwater beach and loved to listen to the waves.  It was where I began to live on my own, away from my parent and giving me a sense of independence.  I went to Rays baseball games and watched them on tv.

3.  However, I have as many reasons NOT to be in Oklahoma, and I will talk about that, below.

Some might have positive experiences in Oklahoma, and the state might be good for them, so I won't universally condemn the state.  However, my own experience in this state is a long history of abuse, friction, condemnation, and struggle.  I grew up in Oklahoma from 4th grade to mid 12th grade.  While I did, eventually, get a lot of awards in school, it was done with the GOAL of getting good enough grades and awards to LEAVE the place, due to my experience.  I remember a lot of things, like being continually picked on by other students and ball players.  I remember waking up with someone showing me their penis as others laughed on a school bus.  I remember being de-pantsed in the front school lawn.  I remember being rejected by a girl publicly and being mocked for even thinking she would like me. 

Then, there was my dad that constantly criticized me, even as he guilted me into doing things with him, and I remember the pain of his belt on my ass, often, even as I remember him NEVER telling me he loved me.  I remember constantly fearing, when he was in the house, so I would spend time in other houses.

When I moved back as an adult, I remember my car being stolen from my apartment, AFTER it had broken down.  I remember all of the romantic rejections I faced (many), including the current one.  I remember my daughter spending a week in a hospital, after she got pneumonia, during which time the church for which I was a greeter not only didn't visit but didn't bring up in prayer meetings on my return or comfort me at all.  In fact, I remember being isolated from every religious group I attended in this area, because I would not become a clone of their leader and had my own opinions.  I remember as I explored my gender and sexuality, being condemned when I did not look masculine enough and being mocked for liking things like the arts or when I was a Democrat.

I remember moving back to be near my mother and sister in the beginning and having them never visit me in my apartments or house, having them move two hours away from me and condemning me for not making the two hour drive...even though they never visited me.  I remember them breaking into my house, when I was in the process of moving and bagging up a lot of things from it and taking it back two hours away to their house without telling me.  When I found out, they got upset when I asked them to mail them to me and sent it with a note that said, "Have a nice life."  This....after I moved nearby and visited them, even if they were not visiting me.  Afterwards, they would invite and host my EX to spend a holiday with them and my daughter without me, telling me that she was more "their kind of person."


I remember getting a job just over the Texas border, following the relocation procedures and moving the family there for more money, and I remember my current ex's husband suing to demand we move back (at our expense) and trying to put my ex in jail.  I remember fighting in the court with money from a loan on my car, which was breaking down from all the extra driving.  I remember losing, even though the law was on my side, having to come back here with a huge bill for leaving the texas apartment and having to live out of a motel for a month, while I took a bus to work at the job that had overworked me before, and it did overwork me, again.  I remember this leading to back spasms and having to go to the doctor for high blood pressure.  All from trying to earn more for my ex and to fight for my ex, just to have all of that to become irrelevent as we prepare to divorce.

So... you tell me... is it just a case of the grass looking greener, or is it greener than the desert in which I have lived?  My own life has PERSONALLY been sht in this state and WAS greener and happier in that state, and I look forward to new years of happiness, there.