Snowpiercer Lessons

I've been watching season two of Snowpiercer over the last week.  The show is a great vehicle for an example of human society, especially in our time but in all times.  Why?  Because humans are humans.   I thought I'd go through several lessons we can glean from the show.

People have been trying to own other people for thousands of years.  There is the literal examples of slavery over the centuries, but apart from that we still see examples.  It usually begins with something like... I am paying for things or I own something that provides or I am keeping you safe.  Therefore, the story goes, you owe me.  You can see examples in parents, spouses, bosses, religious dieties, and more.  Authority in their mind is due, and those that refuse to acknowledge it are evil for failing to suck up and praise rhem.  That... is Mr Wilford, played by Sean Bean.  Its not enough for him to seek to control the train... that's just a machine.  He must be worshiped by those within it.

I realized this years ago about the rich and charity.  They love to give to the poor that begs of them, because what is wealth good for if there's no one below you from which they are different...better.  looking down on some makes them feel more prosperous, because hanging in rich circles will inevitably mean others with more to make them feel...poor.  So, they don't give in private... what would be the point of that?  They also can't stand the government helping the poor with their tax dollars instead of donations, because now the poor can't thank them and make them feel superior.

The train on the show is separated by class.  Those in power live well and those in poor cars have to live by the good graces of those in charge. As the leader of hospitality warned one woman, the way to survive Wilford is to become something he wants.  Indeed, the whole state of Florida has sold their soul to dedicate its entire economy on that very fact.  It's an entertainment state, but it's entertaining at a steep price, and the rich doesn't mind paying it, because they know others can't.. and thus they are special... again.

Bur, an important lesson to remember is that there are more of those being used than those using, and after a while they get tired of being used.  After a while, they say why should they get to hoard much and keep others poor... controllable.  After a while, they say freedom and opportunity is worth fighting for.  And, that fire of self respect is power, itself, to change lives and the future.

So, play along.  Do your part to pay for life as you need and rise to make yourself... something they like.  But, don't lose track of the goal.  As you take control of your own life, use it to move towards a better world for others that doesn't have to kiss your ring to have it.

Awake

 I'm going to combine several things from past posts and new thoughts in this post.

Concepts I've mentioned, before:

1.  From the book Dopamine Nation, I did several posts that focused on how we want what feels good over what is functional.  Indeed, there is a meme out there of people lined up for meds, while the space in front of "life change" was empty.

2.  I used to do several posts in which I noted that progress stems from discontent and that it usually is not the path that is pleasing.  Exercise isn't fun.  Eating well isn't as pleasing as pizza and ice cream.  Work isn't as satisfying in the moment as rest.  Following the path of least resistance and ease will lead you to gain weight, be poor, and fall apart.

3.  Years ago, I did a post about faith... not in God, specifically, but to understand faith as a concept.  I said that true faith quals expectation plus determination.  It says that THIS (whatever it is) WILL happen, because even if God doesn't do it, I will.  My recent post about the Wish movie shares this perspective.

I've spent too many years focusing on finding ways to feel happy, when negative things came into my life.  I would, like many others, busy myself with hope and delusions of a life that was grander and more ideal than the one I wanted.  When more bad things came, the distraction got bigger to counter it... more alcohol, more activity, more focus on dreams and waiting for God to "make it so" in my life.

And, as a result things got worse.  Why?  I wasn't making life changes to improve my trajectory.  And, the distractions from pain was also a distraction from change, which I feared.  It wasn't til I started embracing darkness and the reality of my situation that I finally awoke enough to say... I'm discontent... I don't like this... I will change it.

And when that determination and expectation was reborn, I no longer needed my distractions, and one by one I have been reigning them in so that my mind free from focus on self criticism, free from romantic salvation, and free from alcohol could actually be used to assess the good in my current life and craft a path to improvement for myself.

The path ahead isn't the easiest path, but easy destroyed my assets and life potential.  But, once you are awake to what's real, you can't return to the delusion.  I'm awake, and I am making the world in which I will thrive.  And, I'm very happy for that.

Get Real

A long time ago in a neighborhood far, far away in the lives of Generation X kids growing up, we would sometimes say, "Get real," when someone was saying something that was "far out" or unrealistic, when something required a realistic perspective.  We knew how to pretend and have fun, but we also knew when you had to take responsibility to put in the work for what you needed.  That's why it wasn't odd to find kids working at an early age doing one thing or another.  I mowed yards, bailed hay, swept floors, picked okra, and more along with working at my dad's workplaces shingling houses, installing insulation, and more.  My first car was.. my car. I paid for it all on my own.  I worked to study to have high grades and win academic competitions.  I didn't expect anyone else to do it for me, and it would have been slightly insulting to ask them to do it for me.  We were responsible for our own lives outcomes.

It's easy to forget all that.  It's especially easy when you get comfortable in beliefs that others would come to make your life better or should do so.  It gets easy, when you spend too much time focusing on what others aren't giving you, when they hadn't been giving it to you your whole life before meeting them, either.  

Like... before I married my second ex wife, I was on my own.  I rarely dated over those years.  I was busy working my way up career ladders and taking care of my kids on my own, after my first ex had another mental break and my kids were mine 100 percent of the time for years and most of the time after that ex started getting time with them supervised by her parents.  I took time for me at times, but I was focused on building myself up, and I did it.  By the time I met my second ex, I was living in a house I owned, working at a good job, had good money, and was confident and fit, having been running in races, as well.  Then, I got comfortable... my focus wasn't on building myself up and my career but focused on loving someone and making their life great, slowly chipping away at what I had built for myself.  It is good to give to someone if you care for them, but if you don't keep filling your own cup, you can find yourself empty.

You can also get lazy in religion and trusting God to provide for you or blaming him when He does not.  Or, perhaps, you are working so hard to please Him and fearing His displeasure that you lose sight of what you want and learning to prepare for yourself.  Do you have kids?  How often do they say.. hey, I want to learn to cook for myself .. or for that matter do anything for themselves?  You want to care for them, but after a while you're like... you have two legs and hands.  Go do it yourself.  I don't justify God for everything that happens in life, but even if he's there... or isn't there.. you are still responsible for your own life, curses upon it or not.

That's one thing that came out of the last week for me.  After almost all my reserves were tapped and hope was grim... Indeed, even the good that would come in money came from destruction and pains.. it splashed enough cold water on my face to wake me up to the fact that I had allowed myself to be in that point.  I had chosen less paying options than I could have chosen.  I chose focus on an easy life over a successful one.  I paid way too much attention to finding "love" when I needed to find a functional budget.

So, I got real.  I have begun making wise choices.  I bought a car, rather than having another on payments.  I am applying to accounting jobs.  I am spending very little time concerned on what to say or do or appear to get romance, realizing just how much that was dominating my self esteem and daily life.  Instead, I only ask one thing when picking tv or what to post or whatever... what do I want?  Its a much more peaceful life and a steady journey that will end up with me rising, because I have control of the steering wheel to ensure it does.

A Worthy Moment

 Listening to my playlist this morning, I wanted to put down a thought, before I get started with my day planning and acting on new potentials of future.

I used to say... years ago.. that the value of an attempt was not determined by how successful it would be in the end.  But... life battle scars and pains over the years makes that hard to really feel true.  But, consider our lives in the grand scheme of life.  We live a life, and then we are gone.  For us, it feels like the center of everything, but for most that are alive today, we are nothing, and we will leave a mark that will be erased within years, very likely.  Even if we leave a historical mark, it will be distorted over time and eventually forgotten or found irrelevant.  So... was our lives important and beautiful?  To us... yes.  And, OBJECTIVELY they can be so, as well... even if no one was there to see or record it.  They are still good.

I think this backwards applies, as well.  This is a very hard one for me, and I won't say that I will do a good job feeling it or applying it... but I'll try.  What if you lived a romance with someone or raised kids or worked at a job or whatever.  In those years, there were many moments that were very nice, inspirational, encouraging, or more.  Then, things turned badly and ended badly... or just drifted apart or whatever.  Now, you don't want to think about those years.  I have blogged in the past that part of the process of recovery from a breakup is to forgive yourself for taking the risk and to accept your part in those years was good to bring yourself together.  But, what about the other person's part in it?  Were they good?  At the time, they were.

So, the hard moment is to accept that those moments in time WAS good as much as they were... at the time.  They may not still be possible or even something that you might want, but the value of that moment will remain etched in time... as a worthy moment.

So, that's something I'm going to work on, as well as feeling inspired to do more worthy moments or at least give a worthy attempt.  Whether or not it fails, it will be a good mark in an otherwise bleak canvas.

Wishes that Walk

I've been quiet on the blog and as relates to personal thoughts on social media over the last week.  In part that was because I was dealing with several challenges, especially after my car got hit from behind and made it not legal to drive on the road and likely totalled due to the age of the car and mileage versus the damage.  When that happened, my ability to earn money also came to a screeching halt, as well, with almost nothing in my account, because I had just paid a phone payment right after replacing a tire in the week after paying monthly rent.  

When that happened,  I also had to shift into safety and survival mode in Maslow’s pyramid with all my brain power being dedicated to solutions of that.  I couldn't even get to the doctor to get checked out.  But, after many days of calls and claims, I am covered financially for at least long enough to get something else going.  

I did have random thoughts and feelings about the situation, too, and as the safety issues cleared I focused more time on them... bringing that dark cloud into more focused determination.  Last night, I watched Wish on Disney Plus, and it actually helped me with this focusing.  I'll explain.

In Wish, the king of the land collected everyone's wishes to "protect" them and when he did so, they forgot about them,  leaving it in the hands of the king to decide who's wishes were worthy of granting.  The movie surrounds a girl that learned all this and asked why the wishes that wouldn't be granted by him couldn't be given back to them to try to make happen on their own, but the king didn't want to lose his power over their dreams.  I don't need to give more of the movie... watch it yourself.  But, I give that summary to refer to as I explain my own mentality changes, ahead.

The last years have been a series of life challenges to overcome.  Indeed, the morning they picked up my car to evaluate, I returned to my extended stay room to find the door lock battery dead.  I had to call the after hours number to have them fix it to get back inside.  Now, is this years of being cursed or being judged or what?  I don't know.  I've made it clear that I don't trust a divine power to just... grant my wish.. as in the movie, nor a spell to just make it happen.  It's also become very clear that love is not just going to happen and aid for my needs will fall from the sky.  My whole life has been me providing solutions to my problems, generally.  Some might help with temporary aid, but lasting solutions came from my own sweat and thinking.

So, like the movie, I'm tired of waiting for it to all just happen.  I'm also tired of not having a backup budget for when life... or spiritual entities... throw a tantrum in my direction.  So, I'm dedicating my time and energy to setting up a firm financial foundation and rebuild my life... myself.

Benjamin Franklin said that God helps those that help themselves, which is really saying they will help themselves and God will get the credit.  Regardless, it's about time my wishes took a walk and I provided for myself... and it will happen.  

Breakup Nation .. Its not just me

As predicted, I missed a few recent thoughts in my last post, so I wanted to go over and expand them

Another recent thought was that looking back logically and analytically I must question if looking for a relationship CAUSED much of my problems and self esteem issues.  Why?  The only reason that I felt less than or like a failure was that I was trying to please someone else that wasn't a good match.  When I stopped worrying about doing that, I felt... happier.. in my life. I also felt like I was failing because I was comparing myself to FICTIONAL impressions of how successful and abundant other relationships are in society.  We like to feel that everyone else has a great relationship, while ours fails.  However, that's statistically not true.  Marriage.com statistics say  Some interesting things...

- Approximately 70 percent of straight unmarried relationships break up within the first year.

- Women are twice as likely to initiate a breakup than men.

- Almost 1 in 5 long term relationships end with one partner ghosting another.

- The AVERAGE relationship only lasts just over two years.

- 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.

So, not just some other people share my experience, but it is actually much more common than relationships that actually work.  I read on another page that only 35 percent of marriages make it to 25 years.... 1 in 3.  Or, 2 out of every 3 fail to get there.  So, why should I feel LESS than or a failure to have the same outcome as most other people?  I was just less than THAT person wanted... and being less than they want seems to be very common.

The other thought I had and left out was that I felt that I had to change to become what the one in front of me wanted.  However, the real, logical train of thought SHOULD have gone like this.  I like me.  Happiness comes from doing things you like.  Therefore, I should be more of me.  It doesn't matter if I am not masculine enough for most women or that my objectivity and independence might get in the way of those that seek like minded people.  Of course you should be tactful, but my pursuit of knowledge and objective facts pleases me as I learn.  Therefore, it makes me happy and MORE happy than trying to be something else for someone else that is desiring others to bend to THEIR personality.

Especially as you age, both of these come in to more focus and importance.  There are no kid desires to drive a relationship.  There are less financial needs expected to be met by another.  Both sides already have done the children thing, or they didn't have kids and is not a goal.  Social goals MUST change as you age, and it takes a while for that change to set, but I am beginning to see more and more that it won't look like what I once wanted.  It might be possible... hopefully.. to find someone special or even  more than one friends.. to balance your social connection and care needs, but that will not look like you once had or as generally presented in the media.

So.. that's a few more recent thoughts.

Recent Thoughts

I'm going to try to post about recent thoughts, even though I'm tired from a busy week.  But, if I forget some of it, there might be another post, tomorrow.

My most recent playlist covers some of the feelings and stages, as has some of the other recent ones and some social media shares and such.  It's all helpful, as I have been struggling through feeling stuck in my attempts to set a new destination point or path to get me from my current state to a happy and inspired one.  I have a few guideposts to help... I feel it is important to be within driving distance of family.  I liked some parts of my past life in Oklahoma and recognize that some of the WAYS I sought that happiness doesn't work, so new exploration would be useful.  But, it's also been busy weeks full of financial challenges and more.  That makes it hard to process, but I have a few thoughts from the week to help along that way.  These won't necessarily be in any order.  Like I said... my brain is tired.  Ha.

I saw a meme the other day that said true love isn't rosey for INFJ's but looks like... block, unblock, block, unblock.  Ha.  I don't know if that is JUST INFJs but others, as well.  However, that's a good lead into the first thought.  I used to condemn myself for it taking to long for me to get over my last ex.  But, one thing that I realized is that the ending of true love would not be like... Oh, ok.  It's over, ok.  Let me remove you from my contacts and never think about you, again.  That's how my ex responded.  However, if something can end that easily, I question whether it was real love.  Real love is feeling hurt or betrayed and NOT letting it just go, BECAUSE the love was so deep that it left a big wound.  Even if it makes sense and is not something that someone wants to go back to, the pain remains and the change is disruptive BECAUSE there was true love present.  And, that leads to the next thought... you can truly love someone that didn't or doesn't love you.  So, you need to take more time to test someone or be sure about someone's interest in you BEFORE you get emotionally invested in them.

A related thought... question, really... is my asking myself if being in a relationship or seeking one has EVER led to good or happiness in my life.  The few times that I thought it did was the point of the greatest pains to follow, BECAUSE of my choice to love.  I do still hold out hope for the right one and SHARED love, but as I objectively and logically look at the points of happiness that remained, a relationship wouldn't be one of them.  It may has PROVIDED a few of them, like my children.  But, objectively.... I wasted a lot of time, money, and emotional strain on people that didn't deserve it, didn't return it, and would have been better spent on other things.  I need to put those people behind me and let them face their own judgment consequences of their actions and move on.  They haven't made an effort, so why am I in my memories?  So, I may be shifting to dating without a relationship in mind or non dating social activities, but I am working on that in my mind at present.

Next, I think I have spent too much time focused on finding others or paths that would BRING me joy ... like a gift.  We see this in religion, trying to find favor with God.  Or, we see this in philosophy or magic or such, where we are looking for what type of thinking would best bring us the joy that we want.  I think there is some value in that and will do that from time to time, but I'm coming to realize that if you want a better life, you have to go out there and create it.... not waiting for someone to give it to you or be your solution.  What do you like to do?  Well... that's a pretty simple path to happiness.  Go do it.  So, the path to a happy life seems as simple as identifying what you like and then creating a life where you can do that.  Sometimes, that includes helping others... at least for me.. so a career doing that might be good, but a career where there is checkpoints of personal accomplishment or financial rewards that you can spend on yourself is also valid means to that, as well.  So, I'm working on THAT in my mind, too... but it's a new way of thinking about it.

I also need to be forward focused on the outcomes that I desire and stand firm in my path to get to what works.  Looking back at what is broken is not going to fix anything.  I lead off my playlist with those, because it was important for me to consider the source of my personal doubts and feelings of self esteem, but the playlist progresses to a better mentality that is focused on what I desire, and I plan for future playlists to be more wholly focused on those things.

That's enough for the night.  My brain is tired.  ha.  Hope it helped, though.