Thinking Comes Later

Not everyone processes the same.  I've been thinking more and more as the years go by that we err in classifying all humans as one species.  In a very real fashion, one person could not be more different than another in how they perceive and respond to the world, languages they speak (verbal, written, body, love, and more) and in so many different ways.  That doesn't mean that they are not all valid, and it does not even mean that you should stay within your type of personality.  But, it does mean we should not perceive others and try to decode them using ourselves as the Babel stone.  

One of my favorite movies is Finding Forester.  As someone that loves to write, this is a gem of a movie to watch, and it has a lot of wonderful life lessons too.  In one scene in the movie, one character (played by Sean Connery) is asking the younger person he is trying to tutor why he is not writing.  The younger character says he is thinking, Forester's response is..

"No thinking – that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is to write, not to think!"

I was analyzing different personality types, today, because... that's what I do.. think about things, oftentimes.  And, I was thinking how I would have a difficulty in being able to understand why someone that is relationship avoidant would do things or even to understand what they are meaning in doing them.  They tend to put a lot of thought into what they SHOULD do and then allow themselves to follow their emotions to do one thing or another.  Meanwhile, I am over here determining what I should do BY what I am doing and experiencing and learning as I go.

I've had this problem with other people in many different ways, not just in terms of relationships.  Sometimes, I will be thinking aloud and exploring different ideas.. sometimes even contradictory ones.  Indeed, I would say I would WELCOME contradictory ones.  I like to have friends, for example, from different points of view to challenge me as I think aloud.  Then, though the liberal arts discussion that ensues, I am able to determine the correct concept to believe or path to follow.  However, to OTHER people, they are over there asking what my point is that I am trying to say or conclusion that I am communicating, while I am like... I don't know yet... that's why I am communicating to find out.

No one is the same, and every way of thinking is valid and has purpose.  That is the main thing I hope you take from this post.  But, as subset of the point that is applicable to this blog is this, though you may disagree.  I think in order for you to follow your path to happiness, it is important to figure OUT your path to happiness.  And, deciding what that is may require a period of testing and consideration, if you are like me.  If so, I would say ... test on... keep trying and observing and learning.  It is NOT a comfortable way of figuring it out, and it is messy and inefficient.  However, if that is how you happen to be, follow it till you figure it out.  Others that cannot understand or respect that about you invalidate themselves in the process, since they would have to live with you like that, afterwards... and that is important information to know, as well.  Live. Love, Laugh. Learn.  You'll figure it out. 

The Future is Built Action

For several posts in a row and the prior weeks, focus has been upon how you should love others without expecting anything back from them and how love lasts forever for your kids and family and friends and more.  And, all of that remains to be true.  The choice to love someone is because you care for them, not what they can do for you.  Churches will often speak of the Love of God that loved us when we did not love him.. or ourselves for that matter.  Similarly, the Bible instructs people to love their neighbor without seeking anything back in return.  Scripture literally says that love is "not self serving" and how someone is treating you has nothing to do with how you can love them.  It is also true that receiving love is something that is fixed in time and will always be a part of your story, and I have been loved by many that are no longer in my life.  Those moments of love are still wonderful memories to be that built platforms in my heart upon which to stand.

HOWEVER...  

You cannot build a future upon the past.  While Love is eternal and memories are wonderful to have, the future must be built upon action.  To continue to spend your time waiting on love to be present is to indulge in delusion.  It is either present, or it is fiction... a lie to be precise.  If it was present in the past, then it was true... in the past.  However, if someone is not showing you actions to indicate care, concern, desire or support, then those things are not presently active, and you cannot build a future upon what does not exist.  If they stopped giving you love, for whatever reason, respect the decision and LEAVE, before you end up losing the respect for them in your past.  There is a poem that I shared some months ago that is well known called "Let them."  The point of the poem is simply this.  If someone wants to be in your life, let them.  If someone wants to leave, let them.  I do not want to live the life of a puppeteer pretending something is present when it is not.  That only gives them credit where it is not presently due and is wasting your time that could be spent among others that actually DO show those things.

This won't be a long blog post.  I am going on a vacation in the morning, but before I go I felt it was important to post this counter to recent posts.  I DID have a wonderful romance with a great woman in the past year.  However, that romance was ended by her many months ago without actions by her to resume it and instead many actions to push me away.  So, I will honor the past but move forward .. to happiness in my future days, as well.  My hope for you is to find similar opportunities to enjoy your life looking forward, as well as honoring it in the memories of the past.  You are worthy of the joy in both directions. 

A Life of Love

As I look back over my life, I have a different perspective, lately, than I have at times in the past.  In the past, I would look at the many periods of pain that I faced in one situation or another... but lately my focus has been more upon love in its many forms and results.  I am grateful for living a life that has contained so much love over the years, regardless of the pains that might have resulted as well.

I had the wonderful experience of being able to be very present and involved in the lives of my children in most of their upbringing.  It made such a mark upon my heart that it was hard for me to think I could be happy, after they had grown and gone.  I know many struggle with this, ,as well.  However, it is possible to have happiness in your life apart from your children, and it is important to remember that just because they are no longer present and those moments are past, they are fixed in time... you have a memory of love to with them, which is much more than many can say.

My relationship with my dad grew from rocky beginnings to much better by the time that he died of cancer.  That was over 20 years ago, but I treasure the memories of the times that I had with him, as I also treasure the memories in the past and the times in the present that I can spend with my mom and sister and other family members.

I was a youth director at my church for a couple years in high school and college age, and I still get to remember the impact that those kids had on me and me on them.  I remember other times of ministry to help people over the years in many ways.. most not present in a church... sometimes in unnoticed ways to help others, simply because I knew that they needed it.. even if it was something as simple as having a conversation with someone that I knew was struggling and needed an open year and a caring heart.  I am not sure how high that number would be of people I helped in conversations, but it would be in the many dozens.  I have written books and blog posts to help people, as I am with this one, as well, and I don't do it for money or fame.  I do it, because I want to help people to navigate life in a way that would lead them out of dark times and into more happy days.  And, I currently work in a non profit organization that helps people that are homeless and in need, and I remember that each day that the stress from the workload hits a high point.

My life of love has not been a life of joy.  It has been a life of living where the rubber hits the road and is driven by my heart for others.  It has not always been wise, but I am remembered of the cadet maxim..

"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible."

I'd simply counter that to say that it must be married to grace, if it is to be sustainable.  So, the next time that you think your life is void of love, take a look around you at the impact you have had on others and remember the impact others have had on you.  You might find that you have a life of love, as well. 

What Everyone Knows About Love

Ok.  I am going to do the blog post that I mentioned would be coming on social media.  As promised, it will be a general post with very little details from my personal past, because those details are A. not important to be said to establish the foundation for the point and B. being protected by me as an application of the point that I will be sharing.  It is a post that will run contrary to the procedures and methods of this world, today... and that is both sad and the point.... because we all know it to be true, even though very few will actually live that way.

The first point that I want to establish off the get go that will run afoul of modern mentality is this.  Love never dies... it might just live in hidden places and under pain and intentional distraction.  It might leave your possession and live within another for a while.  It might be seen in another form.  However, it never dies.  This should not be a surprise to anyone.  There is both literary and cultural foundation for this concept.  The bible literally says, "Love never ends" or "Love never dies" based on the translation in 1 Cor 13:8.  Vincent Van Gogh says, "Love is something eternal—the aspects may change, but not the essence."  We all have hope that love will always remain, and we say things like "I'll love you forever" or the "love of my life" and feel sadness when we do not feel that the love is remaining, because the other person might say hurtful things or walk away or more.  However, I'd say that oftentimes those are indications that love is, indeed, remaining.  If love truly went away, there would be no anger in a breakup.  Pain comes from care, and care comes from love.  Further, I only use myself as evidence in this without knowing the minds of others, but those with which I have had the most conflict and who have done me the most damage in the past, I have still been concerned for their wellbeing, success, and happiness.  It is not a choice between love and pain.  It is pain in love.  A person without love would not care about what another may be doing or saying or living.  They'd be too busy with other things in their lives to even notice.  

Next, love is not tied to what you receive.   In fact, that is kinda the opposite of the whole existence of love to assume otherwise.  Love is a choice.  Love is concern for another person.  Love is to care for their needs and the desire to help meet those needs.  This is not to say that love cannot be intermingled with some of those other themes, some important and others not.  Perhaps, someone might think that love is found in loyalty.  Some think love is found in someone that is showing care back for you.  Some think that love is found in honesty.  All of these have value on their own, but... none are actually components of love.  Similarly, some might think that love is pain or love is vulnerability or love is being used.  Those can be results of love, as can be things like gratitude or self respect or happiness.  It should also be noted that just because a love that was shared ceased to be presently active that it is important to go back and reinterpret things to redefine good things as bad to find "closure"...  that will not change the existence of love, and it will not lead to closure.  It will only deepen a wound to find more reasons to hate.

I've noted this at different times, and I hate to be repetitive, but it is applicable, here.  There are a couple movies that I can use as reference points for you to consider, as well as a book that I read in the past year.  The movies I would reference would be The Arrival and Interstellar.  The book would be The Dispossessed.  The concept would be this.  Things can be fixed and true in a period of time, even if time moves on and are not longer present.  It was true in that moment.  It was a true fact in the cycle of the story of life, regardless of the chronological march of time.  The dates may change, and events may not be in our view, but they are in fact ETCHED in the walls of time.  In those moments in my life, for example, I was happy and connected and joyful and peaceful and fulfilled.  It does not mean that I cannot be similarly happy in the future, but it also does not mean that those moments were bad.  It would in fact be a lie to say that they were not good.  So, rather than follow the way of the world to try to run away from feeling love for a moment in the past, which the struggle only proves the truth of the moment if you have to fight against it... embrace that life is not a straight line and includes change.

Finally, I'd simply say this.  Love is love.  It remains.  It does not mean you can only love one person.  It does not mean that you were bad to feel it.  It does not mean that it will remain, forever.  Let the past remain the past... the love in that moment worthy for the moment and live and love those around you in the current day... as well as those that are no longer part of the story.  Indeed, it may be an act of love for them to protect them from your own pain. Just  follow these words.. love always, no matter the outcome or the impact on you.. not for you but for them.  If you do that, your life will have meaning, and you can carry yourself high to walk into the story to come.

Truth

I have been processing a lot of emotions in the course of the last week, and I have been coming to a lot of realizations from recognition of truth.  I won't go into a lot of specific facts, but I will convey some very important truths in this post.

One fact that I will say is that a year ago, I began a romance that would captivate me and absolute destroy my defenses.  I believe that as it began I told a close friend that this person would have the power to completely destroy me, but I was going to take the chance.  I did, and it was an amazing relationship.  That is objectively true.  I learned so much.  I felt more me than I had in any other period in my life.  I felt seen and connected and valued and challenged.  The last part was new to me, but it is an important part of it.  I learned that love was not just about having all of your wants met but that you were challenged to become more than you were... that life wasn't just about what I have experienced to this point and what I was used to getting but was really an adventure to be explored.  It was a wonderful adventure.

I don't say any of that to make it happen.  I haven't heard from her in months, and I am pretty sure that she has moved on and does not want me to be a part of her life.  However... truth... that does not change how important it was to me or how important she was and is to me.  I know that who I am is not good for who she wants to be.  That is true.  However, it does not change who amazing that I think she is and will be, and I am eternally grateful for the many ways that she helped me to grow in loving her.  I will continue to love her, because that is how I am built.  That will delay or obstruct new romance that could be in my life, and that is true... and that will limit what I can have.  But, I am honest and true, and I have determined in myself that how I feel is not and cannot decrease, regardless of how it ended and whether it continued.  I grew as a person.  I was challenged by her.  I learned new things.  I became a better person, and I like who I have become.  So, I will carry it forward.

I used to say that a sign that something was from God or was influenced outside of me was that it was something that I would not normally choose.  Logically, it makes sense to move on and to enjoy new opportunities that lay in front of me, and to be honest.. after months of no positive contact with the past one it would make sense to do so.  However, I feel exactly the same as a year ago when I met her, and I will probably always feel this way.  I am always objective and honest, even when it is not in my favor.  The fact is that my heart has felt a love that touched me to the core, and I will continue to have that impact to influence me in my days ahead.  That is not a bad thing.  There has always been that question... is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  I can tell you that I have loved at different times, and each has had value and importance to me.  However, there can be times when you are in so much harmony that it becomes a part of your soul for life, and that has happened to me.  If I remain single but having appreciation for the love that I felt, that would be much better than trying to rush into anything else to cover it up, and the integrity of my soul will not allow it.

So... being a person that has always valued truth in fact and feeling, I am bound to acknowledge that the last year did in fact have an impact on me that will remain, and I am more than willing to give it the space that it has earned. 

Lean In

There are a lot of things in my not sure category of my life.  It's not as many as before, and I have learned to forgive others, accept my own fault and forgive myself, approach each day anew and enjoy the good of the days.  However, old fears can easily surface in unrelated events and stories, making it difficult to get too deep or committed to new potential life goals.  There has just been too much change of things upon which I have relied to choose reliance, again... at least now.

So, what do you do when you are facing good days and old fears?  You don't want to lose the good for the fears, but it is right to take your time and consider your future for yourself without rush.  Anyone or anything that would take that time away from you is in my opinion suspect.

I think the first thing to do is realize you are not in a movie, nor feel that your life must replicate one.  Life is a mess.  You and your life is unique.  It must be approached in that context.  Next, I think it is important to feel happy in the days.. don't ignore the good in front of you for fear or the past.  You also don't have to have it all figured out.  That kind of clarity is rare.

Ultimately, I believe the solution is just this.. lean into the good.  Where things are pleasant, enjoy the pleasure.  If someone is kind, be kind to them.  If you feel peace, rest.  If you feel moved, feel... all while knowing each moment is the present and not a promise.  

I feel it is best in my own life to let the future bloom out of following these choices, rather than trying to create something not present in your mind.

Dark Chronicles Act 17: A "Lazy" Poor Testimony of Care

Despite the fact that I shouldn't have to do this post, it is becoming more and more apparent that I must.  It shouldn't be necessary, because people should have enough sense and experience to see otherwise, but sense seems limited and experience only serves to exclude the wise from the inexperienced's echo chambers.  As such, this must be a Dark Chronicles post, as well.. even though it really should not be.

When it first began to circulate, I thought that it wasn't worth refuting, because I didn't believe that anyone would buy into it.  But, preachers and rich politicians kept repeating the same fallacy... if someone was poor, they were choosing to be poor, because they were lazy.  And, so.. the mythology grew and grew.  Now, we find ourselves in a state of government affairs that the fallacy is literally affecting the life AND DEATH of many millions of families.  So, I must speak out.  On what grounds can I speak out?  I have lived much of my life as one of those "lazy" poor, and I think it is high time that I told you how I was made poor and what it meant for others.. so I will give a few examples from my own life.

A long time ago, after I had left the military and was homeschooling an ADHD child at the suggestion of her school, my wife at the time had the first of several post partum psychotic breaks with the birth of our second child.   My ex wife of that time was the primary earner with my support, so when that happened we were left without any money, a disabled adult, and a baby to raise.  So, for the next few years, I would make things work by borrowing over with my student loans over tuition to cover living expenses for graduate schooling, while I did all the child rearing and household duties.  There was no income other than student loans, which left me with a huge student loan debt to cover.  So, for that decade, I was not working, yet both my children benefited from my activities, as well as my ex wife.

Later, I would be a single dad that was trying to make things work, raising both of my kids, after another of my ex's mental breaks.  In order to do so, I had to pay for after school daycare, during the time that I worked, and I was paying for my older child's college expenses, as she had failed out of college and needed to get good grades to get back her aid.. which ultimately would be accomplished.  So, I was being financially tapped out, but .. again.. both of my children benefited from the sacrifices.

There have been other periods of my life.. both single and in relationships.. where I was living on food stamps, due to being between jobs or dealing with life and health challenges, as well.  Indeed, for a long while after both of my children, I was poor while paying for the expenses that came from having the BABY.   

But, it's not always acts of sacrifice for others.  Sometimes, it can just be a bad turn of health or luck.  I have faced health challenges at times.  I would spend over 6 months not being able to work full time, due to having multiple retina eye surgeries and recovery time.  In that time, I had to not only not work but tap out retirement plans and sell things just to pay for food and bills... and not all of my bills was covered in that time, leading to credit challenges to overcome, later as well.

My story is not exceptional.  It is common.  The poor are not poor by choice.  I remember just how hard it was to swallow my pride to seek food stamp benefits, the first time.  Many facing health challenges feel like they are broken and a failure... simply for being in need.  And, it is at THIS point that others that do not face their challenges judge them, call them lazy, and cut off their funding.  I don't blame them for their anger in this time for this reality.  Countless kings have lost their heads... literally.. for similar acts of lack of empathy.  Though, I would call for the poor to be patient.  All they are doing it defining themselves, so let them.  The poor vote, and the seeds they are sowing will come to fruit, soon enough.

I hope that my story will cause a few to rethink the narrative that they are being fed, though I am experienced enough to know that it will probably be ignored by those that feel unaffected and want to fit into their groups.  Just know.. you are living on fiction, not fact.  Others around you have needs, and if you are not helping those in need, you really have no business deciding whether others can do so, as well.