Dating at Church and Other Groups

I have danced around this topic for a while, but it is an area that is important to consider when dating and beginning relationships.  I will not be referencing real life situations and will present it in a general way.  However, it is something that is an area of great risk that is rarely if ever mentioned by authoritative people and in fact some suggest diving right into this risk without a disclaimer of the potential outcomes.

When you date someone or consider a relationship with someone, you are not just dating that person but their group.  So, it is important that you consider your own connection to the group and what it is that you need for yourself.  It is also important that you consider what can happen if things do not work out, because more times than not in dating it does not work out.

I am going to use a church as an example, though it is also true of dating in the work place or other places where there are social groups.  I am focusing on a church, however; because, I believe that it is an area where there is the most temptation to fall into this trap.  They do this thinking that if they want to date a good person their church would provide a range of candidates that are "righteous" or good, which is often a mischaracterization of why people are AT church, but that is another point.  Or, perhaps, someone brings an interest to their church, feeling they can ensure they are holy.. a sort of evangelization by dating, if you will.

Regardless of the motivation and how it began, dating at a church comes with a lot of pressures and risks that only grow exponentially as time goes forward.  There is the pressure to be the stereotypical and pure couple bound by God.  Others in the congregation have the same personal goal and end up often juding others in the congregation for whether they live up to the image, also.  However, my main focus of this blog post is the beginning and whether it is fair to another to date within the church.

When you begin to date at a church in which you attend, you will form social links to others in that church, in part because you want to please their friends and in part because you want to establish social links and feel included, yourself.  However, as noted earlier, more often than not people do not work out in dating.  This isn't because people are bad people but because people are DIFFERENT people with different needs or because of external pressures or more.  But, when a relationship falls apart in a group setting like a church, there are others in the group that will support one or the other and it becomes uncomfortable to be present at that social group.  So, a place that once felt like a safe place has now become a place of criticism, blame, and risk.

This is especially troublesome at a church, because if you are actually trying to grow your faith and get closer to God, it can feel that the other person has now created an obstacle to GOD.  That is not true, but it is hard to see how it is not true when you equate that Divine relationship with a building or a group setting or practice.  So, it can have a negative effect on someone's spiritual growth to fail at a relationship at church.  Indeed, some might even bypass red flags and continue in toxic situations, simply because they do not want to lose this connection to God or to avoid social exile.

So, what I would suggest is what I have adopted for myself in the future.  If you want to date someone that is relgious do so at another church and do not share  social links but develop separate faith social structures, so if there is a falling out it does not have an impact on your own growth.  Further, understand that your faith is not tied to a building or a group but is meant to be a personal connection to God that does not pass through any human mediator.

Everyone has social groups, and it is natural to have someone that you care about meet your group and them to meet your interest, as well.  But, it is important that both have their own lives and foundations, which includes faith foundations, that are separate from each other.  If after a significant amount of time it appears that it will remain, only then have them meet the group.

I know I am just a person and not a qualified expert and have made many mistakes myself, so feel free to challenge my solutions and come up with your own.  But, I DO believe that it is important to consider the risks, which most do not do, today.

Flow

I watched a movie, yesterday, that many will probably hate as a method of finding romance and indeed that method is hated by the characters in it for a lot of the movie, but I think it actually hits on an important reality that I think is important to highlight here.

The movie is One Night Only, and in the movie premarital sex is outlawed, except for one night of the year, each year.  Bypass those current political comparisons and thoughts and don't let it distract you from the story.  The show centers around two separate characteres that both hate taking part in the process but also doesn't want to miss meeting their person, whatever levels of bad options that they might have to face... and both of them get a load of the kinds of bad single date options that we have see out there in person or on the apps.

Now, it is at this point that many will conclude of the movie as they have concluded about dating in general.  It is too messy and random and romance should be planned out, filtered, and controlled to get to your one.  But, what kind of adventure is that?  If you have to control it all, why not just go be with an AI partner that is programmed to do whatever you want and to be whatever you want?  I have often found interest and likes in several things that I never even knew existed by talking to someone and have refinend what know that I like by my past experiences that were out of my hands.

Now, none of this says you should drop your boundaries or become something else for another.  It doesn't mean that you just take what you get.  In the movie they didn't.  As soon as the red flags or differences in desired outcomes  appeared, they left.

But.. that's my point.  FLOW.  That is life.  You get out there and try as your part in the flow.  You meet others.  It either clicks and grows or doesn't and ends.  Either way, it is not a failure but a successful process.  But, you cannot succeed in it without taking part in it, yourself.

So, here's to the journey.  Take risks.  Be you.  Have fun.  And, if something happens that you didn't have to create... that's magic... and that is the kind of romance I would like to find.

I Don't Want or Need Perfect

As I began recently to begin thinking of dating in the future... not near but beginning considering it... I have found myself revisiting and retesting my balance and my foundations of it that I have been building.  It isn't a bad thing.  Everything must be tested.  That's why we have a devil.  The bible says that those that God loves He tests.  This goes along very well with the recent Fly blog post. 

Anyways, as I began reconsidering these things, I still conclude that I hold no ill will towards the past, even if I must move along from it towards a better future.  There is a meme that says your past doesn't need you.. your future does.  But, I have learned things from the past to bring into the future, and that doesn't mean learned bad things about anyone else.  It primarly means learned things about myself, what I need and where I need to have boundaries, for example.

But, somewhere along the months of healing and self reflection, one theme was realizing that there is no one that is completely bad or good, and I am as flawed as the next person.  But, I don't believe romance is about finding a perfect person.  If we did, we would be deluding ourselves.  In Sabrina, one of her friends says to her that illusions are very dangerous, because they have no flaws.  I think you can take that different ways, but how I take it is to say that if you put someone on a pedastal, they are bound to fall to your disappointment.

Selena Gomez has a song that I love a lot where she says that she doesn't need perfect, she just needs her man.  Similarly, the Veronicas have a song saying that perfect is going out of style.  I don't think that any of us really wants perfect, if we really think about it.  If we found someone perfect, we would feel inadequate.  Rather, we would feel much more comfortable with someone that is as flawed as we and that accepts that we are flawed.

So, I am not going to be looking for or expecting perfect as I go forward.  I will be looing for love and grace and romance and peace... more often than not accepting that we cannot always be on point in our lives of stress and distraction.  And, I will have boundaries that expects compromise, not complete satisfaction.  And, somewhere in the midst of it all, I hope to find a companion that want to experience this life of adventure we are on in a way that makes us both happy.  Can I find it?  Who knows.  But, what's life without dreams to follow?

Charity is Charity

I am someone that has always given much of myself to benefit others, where I saw a need existed.  It was never to check a box to win my way into heaven or to pay for past sins.  It was simply that they had a need, so I gave.  I still believe in giving to needs, even as I am learning to impose limited and boundaries on how much of myself I give away.  Yet, there needs to be focus on one thing that I didn't always undestand and needs to be noted to be true.  Charity is charity.

That may sound like it is obvious, but it has not always been understood by myself or by others, and I think the confusion is shared by many others out there, so I will explain.  

Probably the best way to highlight the error is to describe what charity is NOT.  Charity for meeting the needs of others is not romance or a relationship, either romantic relationship or friendship.  It is just charity meeting a need.  Just because you are helping someone should not be seen by yourself as a romantic act, so if you are in a romance there should be romantic items being done.  Similarly, just because someone is giving to you, receiving it is not a romantic act.  It is receiving charity and should not be seen as romance.  Both of these are true of friendships in their forms of connection, as well.

To echo the beginning of this blog post, I am not saying do not give.  Give, while respecting the boundary of keeping for your own needs and plans.  But, do not confluse doing so as anything more than it is... giving to meet a need.

Challenging My Emotional Foundations

I noted this on my social media a few days ago and said I would be blogging about it when I had a little more time and mental capacity to do it right.  However, recently, I have been taking aim at my own perceptions from the past in regards to the role of emotions and seeing things differently than I used to see them.

First of all, I want to lead off by saying that I am not saying there is not a place for emotions and romantic gestures and actions by all involved.  I don't believe that a connection without those things is a romantic relationship and could just be friendship.  I am a roommate with someone and am not in a relationship with her.  We handle day to day things by agreement, have conversations, and help each other out from time to time.  None of that makes it a relationship.  And, in a few months I will be moving out, and it will not be taking an emotional tole.  Romantic relationships must have romance in it by both sides.

HOWEVER, to counter the importance of that and my own prior perceptions regarding the role of feelings, I have been asking some hard questions.  Some people will probably agree with my challenge, while others may agree with my old view that I am challenging.  Nevertheless, here we go.

Is it possible that what I felt was true love was actually signs of psychological needs, instead?  And, the feeling of completeness was simply feeling those needs satisfied and not necessarily something mutual?  When I was feeling the need for closeness, was that a sign of not feeling balanced in myself.  When I was wanting support and comlements, was that the need for validation?  When I was changing to please them, was that my fearing loss?

I can go on, and I don't have any answers to this.  But, I am feeling more and more balanced on my own as a single person, lately, and more able to have a happy life on my own.  As I am doing so, I find I have less of those old needs and that makes me wonder if they were actually healthy in a relationship.  I do know that if I get into one in the future, it will look differently.  I will want time on my own to do things on my own without my partner.  I will not be bending my preference all the time but stating it and doing it if I feel the need.  That would be a true partnership, and I feel that is one I am not sure I have ever had.

So, anyways, I wanted to put this out there for others to consider, as well.

Shine and Attract

We have an influence in how we want our lives to look.  That's why observation is important.  That's why boundaries are important.  That's why self love is important.  That's why reason is important.  That's why choices are important.  All of these are blog post themes of mine this year and often in prior years.

A person will show you what they want and how they are.  It's not always a case of good or bad (no one can be only one or the other) but qualities, needs, personality.  You should not expect anything else from them.  If you do, that's on you.  

So, you need to know who YOU are, shine who you are, and be clear to convey what you need and want.  This will weed out difficult periods of finding out someone doesn't actually like you.  Then, in time, someone will see you and be like... FINALLY and pursue you and never let you go.  All you have to do is shine your true you, and the universe will do the rest.

Let Freedom Ring

This weekend, I celebrate freedom, as the holiday was designed to do.  As such I celebrate all kinds of freedom, including the kinds that are at threat of control by many of those that are celebrating it loudest.

I celebrate the freedom to choose your own faith, which was a freedom sought by many of our first founders. That faith can be non Christian or no faith at all.  You are free to choose to believe whatever you like.

I celebrate the freedom to say what you want to say without getting approval from someone else, including the freedom to speak out against the current government without facing penalty.

I celebrate the freedom to love who you want to love and choose your own romantic partner or to choose to live without one.  You can have children or choose not to have children.  

I celebrate the freedom to read what I want and watch what I want, even if it is spicy and to enjoy my own body or the body of someone else that also chooses it, as well.  And, we would be free to decide what that means.

I celebrate the freedom to drink alcohol and have fun or to sit at home and do a puzzle if I am so inclined... including the freedom to do that instead of watching fireworks because I might not be feeling it under the current regime.

Whatever you choose to do with your life or whatever you choose to do for this weekend, I celebrate that you still have the freedom to choose it,  yourself.

That's Not a Relationship

I did something similar in the last week on my social media, but I will do it here to expand and explain it, more.  As with anything that I write, it will be general and conceptual.  It is not meant to say anything about anyone in particular, and indeed I will be first to note for this post that I have been guilty of the misunderstanding a lot, myself.  However, when I get a realization about something I like to write it to help others that have not realized it, yet.  

For a lot of my life, I have thought I had an understanding about what a romantic thing would be to do for someone and what distinguished a relationship.  However, I realized in my times of personal and general reflection that I had a misunderstanding, which I think a lot of people out there also shared.  So, for this post, I want to write about what a relationship is NOT.  There will be a lot of people out there with strong disagreements, likely.  That's fine.  This is just my own realization.  You are free to disgree with me on it.

First, a relationship is not taking care of someone or providing for someone.  Why do I say that?  Because you can and likely will take care of and provide for many people in your life, not the least of which is your children.  Are you in a romantic relationship with your kids?  I seriously hope not.

Similarly, a relationship is not buying presents for someone.  Again, same reason, you will give gifts to many different people in your life.

A relationship is not giving someone encouragement and support.  A relationship is not receiving anything listed above or more.  In fact, simply receiving something is a passive response, not an active participation in anything.  A relationship is not cooking for someone.  I cook for people that are just friends, as well.  

I can go on, but I think you get the point.  Am I saying these things should not be present?  I sincerely hope they are in some degree with someone I will be with someday.  But, those qualities by themselves is not romance and is not a relationship.  Indeed, often when that is all that remains it becomes mechanical and mundane and begins to fade away.

In my opinion, a romantic relationship is found in the little things that express romantic interest and attraction and romantic love for someone.  It is in the little notes left for them to find, the little touches when they were not expecting it, the cuddles and hand holding of two people empowered by those touches, the smiles and laughs that no one else gets to see, and literally TELLING them how you feel about them from the weakness in the knees to the warm love in the heart.

I understand that no everyone is comfortable with emotions, so the list above can be modified and expanded as per your situation, but I do believe that it must be present with active influence from both sides, or... what exactly is your reason for not just being single?   In my own life, I am content to be single and enjoy my time with friends and family and more, until there is some expression of this from someone in whom I feel the same way.  I do not plan to cheapen the dream, and I don't think you should do so, either.  But, your story is your story, and I respect your ability to write it how you will.  I am just giving what I feel will make it even better.  Have a good weekend. :)

Boundaries Examples

This will be short, but i wanted to explain and give examples of boundaries in your life and why it is important to have them.

It took until this year for me to understand that boundaries are not things we put on the actions of other people but on ourselves.  Many still don't get that.  A boundaries isn't saying that someone else should do or don't do this or that to please me.  A boundary literally says I will go this far and no more.   It is our BOUNDARY of effort, giving, doing, etc.   That will impact how and whether we choose to do things with or for others.  It is not an either or.  It can be yes, but.  It can be I'll help to this extent, but I will be faithful to my own needs, first.  It can be... that's a you activity or show to do without me,because I do not have an interest in it, without making conclusions about the value of the other person as a whole.  And, it can be.. you are a good person but not what I need for a close connection.

Those are just a few examples, but but the point is that you are looking our for your own needs and clearly communicating your limits, while making choices to support your own peace and happiness.   Because, in the end, that is our responsibility to ourselves to do.

Disposable Culture Post Matured

One of my FB memories I shared on social media was screenshots of a post I did many years back.  While I think it makes a still true general theme and good points, I do feel that I've matured since it and can do it in a more accurate and efficient manner.  So, here goes...

What's old, and what's young?  What is new and what's old?  A lot of these distinctions have begun to blur and fade, as the youth return to things that was popular in my younger days, and the older people can definitely be showing a lack of maturity and we see examples of that on a daily basis, it seems.  Age gaps in dating used to be frowned upon, and now there's reality tv shows about it and examples from celebrity couples.

So, my post must divert from how it was written, prior.  In that post, I'd suggest age was one factor in why people break up.  But, that aspect aside, the rest is ptetty sound.  What I said was that in our culture we are taught to look for flaws and not good characteristics or qualities.  So, it is easy for people to look for flaws and once found to use that as the defining item for the whole person,  disregarding the rest.  And, if that is the judgment standard, people will move from experiment to experiment, enjoying it til a flaw is found and then moving on to the next one.

But, I do feel that a few disclaimers must be made that I failed to note in the past.  While I do not think we should be looking for flaws, I do think we should be looking for love and respect and happiness.  Some situations are toxic and others are simply a mismatch of needs and abilities.  I don't say those should be ignored.  Some can be addressed and moved past.  Others are roadblocks.  So, there are exceptions to this post.

That said, we DO live in a disposable culture that looks for flaws and discards upon them.  Many dating profiles I used to see when I used the apps would read like a recipe of requirements.  If you failed to meet all of them, you were disqualified.  Yet, if you write such a list, you are basing the future on the past, and some of my best experiences have come from adventure into the new.

So, when the society pressure to find fault comes into your mind, keep in mind your own faults and maybe extend a little grace and show more curiosity, instead.

Blueberry Nights

A few weeks ago, I ran across a movie scene at like three AM for a movie with big stars and was free and I was shocked I'd never seen it. I watched the movie, that night.  It was good.  I'd recommend you watch it, sometime.  It's called My Blueberry Nights, and I'm sorry if I already noted it.  I've been distracted of late.

Anyways, in THIS SCENE (click to watch), the main character (Jude Law) is explaining to a girl that is mourning a lost relationship that every night in his cafe there is a whole untouched Blueberry pie.  The character played by Norah Jones asked what's wrong with the pie.  He answers nothing is wrong with the pie.  It's good pie.  You can't blame the pie.  It's just not everyone's first choice.

We need to remember in our nights of feeling rejected by so many over our years and wondering why others cannot see our value that it's not necessarily a fault in the recipe.  We can be the best we can be, and we will still be passed over by those who don't like our flavor or texture.  Letting that get us down will only make us less of a reward to someone that is truly hungry for what we are.

So, that's my post for the evening.  Stay true.  Stay you.  Love yourself, and be the very best blueberry pie that you can be, whether or not anyone takes a bite.

Here's a link to the free movie too.  I think I'll watch it again, now.

More Common Than You Think

Ok, this is the more positive of the two posts I was doing, tonight, as promised.  You will find this one less challenging.. maybe.  Some of you might still have to chew it over a bit, as it does upend a few society delusions.  But, as with the other one I wrote, tonight... this one is ALSO something that is important to understand, especially if you are coming off of heartbreak or following paths that didn't turn out as expected.

The society accepted delusion that is perpetuated in many shows and books and more is that there is ONE PERSON that will be so uniquely matched with you that there can be no one else in the universe that could fit the bill... the belief that the person was made just for you and you just for them.  This runs contrary to statistics on the face of it, and it defies experience, as I will explain without going into any past specifics and speaking more general and cumulative.

Let's take some of my own personal interests as the foundation to teaching this concept.  I like Dr Who.  I have my whole life.  At different times, I have met someone that also liked Dr Who, and I felt such a connection with that person that I felt would not be repeated, til it was.. with this person or that person, here or there, for decades of my life.  The same can be said for Star Trek, Babylon 5, baseball, writing, different tv shows, different music styles or bands, and so on and so forth.  Indeed, I included a clip from a Babylon 5 show the other night on my social media, and any one of those people that I shared that interest could think I was posting it for them, even though I was posting it for myself and something that had nothing to do with them.  I liked the show before I met any one of them, which is also the case of the otehr interests listed.

But, to get to my point, even though I greatly liked the fact that I shared the interest with them, experience has taught me that I can enjoy those interests with someone else... and be just as happy with it.  To expand it to a greater point that I'll use to conclude, you may feel that the joys and happy memories you had with someone in the past is something that you cannot enjoy with another, and you may even feel that it is a betrayal of you to even try.  However, those happy moment began with the interest in yourself that existed before the person you knew, and you have every right to enjoy those things again.  And, as much as you feel that there cannot be happiness after a period of happiness has ended, my own life experience and probably yours will tell you that you can be happy, again.. possibly even moreso.  Joy is not exclusive to a person, and if you allow yourself to meet other people, you might just discover that the places you can find it is more common than you think. 

Planning for a Happy Other After

I have two blog posts to write, tonight.  They are very different themes, and the next one will be more comfortable for you.  This one will challenge you and will probably piss off half my readers at first, but it is something that I have concluded is very important on the road to happiness... even for those that will be offended.  So... since that's kinda my thing a lot of time, let's just right into that one, first.

This blog post deals with the important role that doubt plays in your planning and direction of life.  I can hear the faith crowd cringe, already.. but stick with me, and you will have to agree from your own life experience.

I get it.  I was like you, SO many different times in my life.  I felt compelled to believe in my pursuits and situations, and having been taught in church sermons and Bible classes, I felt that it was a personal failure on my part to even THINK that it might not turn out as I wanted it to turn out.  Indeed, so many faith preachers would tell you that it is the doubt that would cause it to not come true.  You HAD to believe and not entertain any thoughts that it could not happen.  Yet, again and again over my life, it DIDN'T happen, and by the time that it didn't happen, I had dedicated a lot of time and resources into what even I could have admitted was not working, had I looked at it objectively, and walked away before it would break me from the attempt.  Imagine if scientists or accountants operated that way and said, "It's not working and hasn't worked, but by god we are going to just keep doing it, anyways."  That would be foolish and not in the best interests of anyone or anything other than satisfying... faith.

Doubt gets a bad rep.  Failure gets one, too.  Both does not mean that you need to have an unhappy life, and in fact are themselves the KEY to maintaining a happy one.  How?  Well, I can look back over my decades, and I am sure that you can do so in your own life examples; and I can see that HAD I entertained the possibility that things would NOT turn out the way that I had planned, I could have had the self respect and boundaries enough to retain more for myself and establish roots and plans and paths for myself that did not depend upon what was hoped coming true.

Indeed, I can look back over my life and look at periods of being truly happy on my own without someone else in my life.  Unlike memories that also included another person in them, those happy memories do not fade or go away, simply because someone is no longer in my life.  They maintain their happy glow without also including sorrow.  But, it doesn't mean that you have to be single for that to be true.  If you have the sense to have boundaries IN a relationship or connection with someone and insist upon having happy hobbies and time APART from the other person, while being in a relationship with them, those memories and times will ALSO maintain their happy glow, with or without them.

As I have been exploring and implementing my own personal boundaries, I have been reflecting on those things in my past that were objectively happy and where and what those things were.  I have also been taking personal times doing happy things that does not include anyone else.  I will continue to explore those memories and activities and make choices in light of what I am learning from that.  Does it mean that I will not hold out hope in finding someone, one day?  No.  I will continue to believe and do believe it will happen for me, again.  But, to return to my main point and drive it home, I will PLAN on a happy OTHER after if it NEVER happens.  I will not hold my breath or joy for something that may never happen but will plan on making my own happiness and finding happiness in whatever path my life will take.  And, I hope that you will welcome doubt in your own plans to do so, as well.

People buy life an health insurance plans and write wills and end of life plans, while yet hoping to live their lives in full.  I hope that you find your goals, but more so I hope that you will be grounded enough to prepare in the even that it doesn't happen that way.  Your happiness should not depend on faith, alone.  Unless you want the kind of rocky and jagged existence that I have too often faced, I hope you welcome doubt in your planning, as well. 

What I Want in a Relationship

I'm doing a 2nd blog post in the day, but I have all the pieces of it that came together in my mind, so I want to get it down, before I lose track of what all I wanted to say. I wanted to do a blog post about what it is that I am wanting in a relationship.  I have only said pieces in passing, here and there, and I feel that it is important to make it known.  It is a good time for me to do this blog post, because I am not in a relationship and have not been in one for almost 10 months.  This post will not be a strike back on anyone in the past, because I have grown and changed, and even back then I didn't speak up about my own needs enough or stand on them, so I cannot blame anyone else for failing to respect them.  I also failed back then in respecting the needs of them and others, further back, so I am not claiming to be perfect either.  I liked that time, and I am ready to move on.. so I don't want this to be about that.  It's about me... who I am at present and what I want going forward.  It also should not be seen as a prescription pad that must be followed to a T or a checklist for anyone to follow or seen as a job requirements list.  Again, it isn't about anyone else.  I simply want to state what is important to ME in a relationship, because I do not make that known, enough.

My own tastes have changed over the decades, as I learned more about myself and what I like and do not like and need to be happy.  There are many "love languages" as they would say or ways of expression of care, and not all of them can be received by all kinds of people.  That isn't to say that they are not important or would not be valued by the right people, but I think we spend too much time trying to force someone we like to speak our love language and appreciate what they are not born to see as love.  For example, many do not speak our or communicate their love for another, choosing instead to do acts of service.  Except, I do service all day long.. for the needy, for my work, for my friends, etc.  I don't get voiced appreciation for that but rather expectation, so while I do not expect anyone to do anything for me it is also not something that is necessarily meaning love but could simply mean they thought of you or maybe even that they just had extra of something and didn't want it to go to waste.  The point being, you cannot interpret acts to mean love, always.

I am a touchy kind of person, and I love to hold hands with my romantic one and hold them.  I miss that.  So, someone that appreciated that would be needed, and one that could return it when I am least expecting it would be sensational.  I mentioned how I like to communicate my love, and someone that can communicate it to me would get my attention, a lot.  If I am in a situation where I cannot express my love, then that love turns on itself and becomes despair and depression.   I want someone that can hold intellectual conversations with me or watch a romantic flick with me, but I don't want someone that is subservient to me.  I want someone that is independent enough to challenge me, because then when they choose me, it actually means that they choose ME and is more worthwhile.  

There is a phrase that I used to have on my dating apps (which I WILL be using in the coming weeks, because I do not believe in friends becoming something more but that relationships have a different skill set and development track).  The phrase was ...

 “I believe that the 4 most important ingredients in a relationship are loyalty, empathy, gratitude, and good old fashioned flirting. I believe a relationship is two people trying to make the other person smile. I believe that shared interests are nice but the important part is shared interest in each other. I believe in learning from the past but leaving it in the past and seeing each other as a new adventure.”

I believe all of those are still true for me, as well.  I think the only thing I would add to all of the above is that it cannot all be initiated by me.  If someone cannot participate in initiating things at times, I will not even entertain it, going forward.  I will also need someone that can respect my own needs and boundaries and allow me to live my life in my way... not to say there won't be concessions or things done for them, at times.  But, I will not become another person, ever again.

 Ok.  I think that is enough for now, but I wanted to make all of that known. 

 

 

Boundaries

Setting personal boundaries for myself is something that I have often struggled with, as I am a very giving person who has always seen it as a great value in making someone else happy.  So, I have so many times allowed myself to get in a situation where my own needs and wants are limited or hurting in order to make someone else feel at comfort or secure.  Then, as does often happen, when that situation eventually ends, I find myself having to start from scratch or low and build myself up, again.  This is why I meet people of similar age that have a huge savings, while I have little.  I can literally point to different people in my life over the decades (not just romantic partners) where that money went... people that no longer even speak to me.

And, that leads me to another point in the course of discussing why boundaries are so important.  Giving to another is usually greeted with immediate thanksgiving but over time becomes resentment.  But, even if that isn't the case, it does over time go from being something that is met with thanksgiving and instead is met with expectation.  Indeed, I have seen over the decades people that live on public aid become comfortable with that aid, and they stop trying to rise from it.  Don't get me wrong, I tend left on this issue and think aid should always be given to those in need and not always do people have the ability to rise from it, and all of that should be considered for how long they are on the aid.  However, like my examples from the past and observations, there IS a case to be made that giving to another can teach them to not give to themselves, which is actually a harm for us to teach them to have that expectation and lack of self care, because the ability to provide for oneself, no matter the difficulty, is a key to self confidence and self respect.  And, this applies to equality of genders as well, as we should not keep those benefits from women to have in their own lives and their own domain of control over their own lives.

So, even though I have been saying that you should always give, and that is the message that I want to feel and be in myself, it is not always the wise choice for course of action to take.  In the end, YOU are responsible for only one life, YOURS.  Give, but give after you have accounted for your own needs for your own goals, first.  That is not permission to set greedy and high asset goals, but if you are finding yourself always poor in the life of caring for others you are failing at the goal of self love and self care.  Also, it is impossible to pour out of an empty cup.  So, even if setting boundaries is difficult at times to do, it is a necessary thing to do, if you are ever to chart your way to your goals and have someone along side you that wants you to reach them. 

Attachment Styles

So, big disclaimer.. I am not a psychologist or counselor of any kind.  Nor do I claim any authority or ability in that regard due to my readings or Bible degree, even as some feel that gives authority in all matters.  But, what I will do is give a little of my own peace and understanding that came from considering this in my reflections and how it has given me more guidance for my life.  In my opinion, they are one of the most important things that you can understand to help you in not only identifying potential mates but learning how to interact with different people, according to their style.

There are different types of attachment styles, describing how one connects with others in an interpersonal way.  Almost all of them have names that are easily seen as insulting, causing people to want to deny that they fit in one category or another.  But, they are simply groupings of how one interacts, caused either by past experiences or by personality traits.  Much like Love Languages, not understanding them can cause you to interact in poor ways or seek things that others cannot give.  

I want to make one thing very clear, however.  My saying this is not an attack, and it is not meant to be insulting to anyone of any group.  My purpose here is not to be conclusive or judgmental but purely to put forth a concept that would be good for you to explore.  It has definitely helped me to make sense of things.

Depending on who you are watching in a video or reading in an article there are a different number of attachment styles.  I personally fit more the anxious attachment style.  When someone first said that, I had a very defensive reaction, as many do to hearing their style.  That is probably, because we are in some way critical of our own style, already.  However, it is not something to fear but to embrace, as you learn to grow from it towards a way that can interact better with others.

The anxious attachment style is  a type that find security in closeness and emotional feedback from others.  They will often fail to set healthy boundaries for themselves and will give up much of themselves in trying to please other people.  They draw inner validation from the closeness that they get, and as such they will notice subtle shifts in someone's expression or reaction and can often misinterpret them to be about themselves.  Yes.. I am being hard on myself with this, and I am working on each of these, even as I know that being an emotionally driven person that many of them will always remain in some degree.  We can also be very passionately expressive and empathetic, as well, which many draw from for their strength.

Another type is dismissive avoidant attachment.  This is either the result of the past or a feature of their personality.  Sometimes, an anxious person can become avoidant for a period.  This type values independence and fears losing that to someone else in drawing close.  They have learned that emotional closeness can be risky, so drawing close to them does not cause peace but insecurity.  They need time alone to balance and distance.  It does not mean that they do not care.  It is just that this caring comes with walls.  It also allows them to set the boundaries that the anxious person can lack and to focus on pursuit of their goals without distraction, and they can add the mentally balancing portion of a relationship to an anxious one, as well.

How this is important and why I am doing the blog is that the interaction of these two can be explosive and self destructive to both sides.  When a conflict happens, the anxious person wants to draw close, which causes the avoidant to pull away which causes the anxious to become more anxious and pull closer and so on and so forth.  It is not because either side is consciously doing anything wrong.  Indeed, both are trying to love the other in the best way they know to do it as themselves, though in the moment of emotions neither may be fully appreciating the affect on the other.

So.. again.. I am not doing this blog to say anyone is wrong or broken.  The point is simply that this is obviously a VERY important thing for people to consider in choosing who to date and how to operate in relationships.  Understanding it has given me much peace of myself and of others.  So, I felt it was a good thing to share here, as well.

A Little Romantic Fiction

So, I have unused romantic energies and a habit of writing.  I think I will start periodically using them and putting out a completely original short story.. it won't always be romantic, but I think it will be tonight.  It will not reflect anything of my past, and any coincidence with anyone is completely coincidental.  But... here goes...

 

Michael stood over the archeological dig, watching from the makeshift tent doorway, as his interns and the local volunteers and professionals were hard at work.  It had been a dream and then a dazzling reality and now an albatros of both exhaustion and fear that he had wasted everyone's time.  However, finding the cursed snake head diadem of this particular Egyptian princess had escaped so many researchers, before him. Now, he was beginning to think the real curse was the humbling of manly pride.  So, he stood and looked, sipping his brandy and reflecting on his life choices that had brought him to this point.  But, it had to be leading to something grand..

"She's not out there, you know."

Michael spun to see the source of the words.  It was his beautiful but spicy assistant, who was top of her class at her school and was currently the biggest wet blanket on many of his ideas but also the sharpening stone that had brought him to several major steps in his search.

"Who is not out there?"

"The girl that you imagine is worthy of that crown.  Whoever it was, she was just a girl in fancy jewelry."

Michael smirked at Michelle's spunky stance and look of contempt.  He wouldn't tell her, but that just made her all the more hot to him.

"Well, not all works of beauty need a crown.. true," he admitted.  But, the idea of a woman that could command the attention of so many old world men.. now that's a treasure, as I am sure you understand, very well."

Michelle's expression softened, and a smile crossed her face.  When she smiled, the light from her eyes completely paralyzed and controlled Michael, such that he knew that he would gladly volunteer to be the puppet in her puppet strings.  It would be both his greatest honor and his pleasure to be prized by her.

"Well, a princess DOES get to choose who she can command."  And, with that, she stepped close to Michael.  They had been working together for years, and the tension had finally grown to a boiling point.  He wanted to finally feel his touch, more than an occasional brush down her back on a dig site, even though that had caused her to almost forget her name. 

Michael watched her approach, and the whole world faded.  This beautiful and smart princess had captured his attention for so long.  Her beauty, grace, intelligence, and drive was so thrilling.  He moved forward into her embrace, and kissed her soft and gentle lips.  And, at that moment, nothing else mattered.  All the stress just melted away, as his pulse quickened and his body responded to her body against his.  He pulled her close to him, brushing her side on the way down her exciting body.  She quivered at his touch but leaned into him.

Joy... passion.. peace.. pleasure all melted together into the knowledge that a NEW adventure had just begun, and, whatever course it may take, he knew this would be a worthy footnote and moment in his journey through the past to discover the future.

What is Love

Now, I have that song playing through my head... what is love... baby, don't hurt me.  

But, what IS love, and how can we know if it is true?  There are many different interpretations, and I am not about to assume authority to tell you what love is.  It means different things for different people in different attachment and personality styles.  All are valid.  But, I can describe what I believe love is for myself and some general concepts for observation of it.

What is LOVE... well the bible says of love...

" 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13 in the Bible.

Jesus says it is the Sum of the Law of God and the standard by which we are to live our lives, first to ourselves and then to others.

What is love to you, though?

To me, love is something that I give.. pretty much without control.  I see a need.  I care for the need.  I give for the need.  I see someone that I think is special.  I say they are special.  I admire their qualities.  

Love isn't really hard to do... but you DO have to DO it, or else it isn't love (as love is a verb) but is simply a theory for you.  Here's a hint.  Love doesn't do well when judged by logic.  It doesn't make sense and is not prosperous.  That isn't the goal.  I cannot count the times in my life that I chose the path of love for those that would reject me and which would bring me further poverty or lack for my giving.  But, I wouldn't change a single act or day of those moments.

When people say that they are "in love" what they often mean is that they feel really good about themselves.  Sorry to be so course, but that is the fact.  Their hormones are pumping, and they are exited about being able to be liked by someone else.  They are NOT actually thinking how they can help this person or give to them in need... you know.. the qualities of love.  Then, the emotions fade, and hard times come.  Suddenly, it isn't fun anymore.  THAT is the  EXACT MOMENT that you know if the love is real.  And, true love is worth it.

So, my hope of this post is not that you find love.  My hope is that you LOVE.  Whether or not others can receive it, is is the one good thing that we can bring into the world to create, and I hope that you will weild it to create a happy future for yourself. 

Thoughts and Tips on Moving Forward

I want to keep this as general and free of personal details as possible, but I think I have some valid thoughts and tips on moving forward to share with others.  At least, I can say that they have helped me to be able to do so.  I have, unfortunately, had multiple periods in my life that I have needed to reset and restart from different kind of challenges, not just romantic but the principles apply.  So, I hope this helps you to have an easier go of it than me learning it.

The first thing that you need to know is that it is that it is.  You need to look at it objectively and factually, because your emotions will be telling you all kinds of things and leading you into dark paths of trying to establish who to blame or what this says about life, God, fate, and much more.  You don't want to hear this when you are considering it, but... your experience isn't unique to you.  You are not being singled out to be cursed.  If it happened more than once, it is not necessarily a character defect.  You are not being punished.  It is just change.  It was change that brought joy into your life, and it is change that takes it away.

While it is important to consider things and learn, as we go through life; it does not mean that you necessarily did something wrong to venture down paths that did not remain or to love those that would ultimately not be in your life, anymore.  The moments were good, and you were good to feel the moments and to show love to another and to be passionate about the happiness that you were feeling.  All of these are good qualities about YOU.  And, you need to be able to forgive yourself for taking the risk and opening up in order to be able to do it in the future, again.  You also don't need to trash the other person or rewrite the good days into bad ones to be able to move on.  I know that happens to be the trend in our society, but it is not healthy and not valid or honest to do so.  Returning to the first point, it is that is is, and it was that it was.  The good that you had in that moment and that you saw in others was good in that moment and will always be so, no matter how we try to re-frame it.  Accept that the good was good and that it is over.

And, when it is over, let it be over.  While it is possible for things to resume and reset, that becomes harder and harder as time goes without effort on both sides.  Returning to objectivity, if there is no foundation upon which to revive it, you have to let it die.  This is a principle that also applies to much more than relationships.  But, change happens, and we change and grow.  Life becomes a new story that is happening around you, and you cannot keep living in days that no longer exist.  It will only detract from the peace and balance you can have for your current days.  Sometimes, also, things change into new or redefined connections that can be better than they were originally, since everyone is growing.. hopefully.

In growing, it is important to focus upon yourself.. not trying to change to convince someone that has rejected you or to learn how to put on a better image for others.  That is just a continuation of the problem.  It is important to learn who you are at your core, become the best version of that person that you can be, fall in love with that person, and learn to shine as that person, simply by allowing others to see you happy being yourself.  This true note will filter out those that are not meant to be in your life and attract those that will be.  This is a natural process, and you do not have to take a hand in trying to control it.  Whatever happens was meant to happen.

So, I hope that these reflections and tips will help you in finding your feet for a happy future, no matter what change happened in your life. 

Happy Valentines to You

I will give this my best shot.  I wanted to do a good piece for this weekend, and then wham.. spent most of the day fighting off a one day (hopefully) virus that left me without energy or clarity of mind to write something.  Then, there was the periodic emotional waves that I had to allow to flow through and depart without action.  It is important to feel the emotions and learn from them, but it is not good to let them direct you, always.  But, this post is not going to be about my romantic past or future.  It is only going to be about the greatest romance that you should ever have in your life... with yourself.

People will spend so much of their lives thinking about others and analyzing themselves to see how they can be a better version of themselves to please others.  I know.. I lived like that way more years of my life than I care to admit.  However, not only is that a misuse of time, it is also ineffective in the goal of finding others that will like YOU.  How are they going to like you, if you don't even know who you are.  How are they going to love you, if YOU don't love you. Thus, the romance that you have for yourself is the greatest romance, because it will not only be the most personal but will lead to all others.

The first step that you need to do is to learn about yourself.  How often do you meet someone and ask curious questions to get to know them.  I am generally an introvert, but I LOVE to get to know stories about others people.  I hate group settings, but I love to sit in quiet settings and ask questions and tell stories and connect with people.. not just romantic but in all kinds of human connections.  I have heard the most interesting stories and met the most interesting people that way.  Even recently, I learned things about my own town and others that I had no idea about and would not if I stayed in my little bubble.  That is why it is so important to make connections that are not like you.  However, similarly, we cannot know what we like if we stay in the pre-determined lives given to us by others and do not challenge ourselves to explore.  You also have to be willing to accept personal interests that are not popular or are even risque.  But, whatever it is, you have to take the time to learn what you like and then love yourself for liking them.

Once you have taken the time to get to know yourself and love yourself, the next part is easy.  All you have to do is shine.  All you need to do is allow others to see the warm smile that you feel in being and doing what it is that you like to be and do.  As you enjoy yourself and your life, that will attract others that also like those things, and it will turn off those that do not agree with your smile, thereby filtering out the wrong ones.

So, this Valentines, that is my own goal for myself and my wish for you.  BE YOU and be happy in being yourself.  LOVE yourself and others, and let the rest all work out around you as it should.  Be your own valentine.  You deserve the kind of love and acceptance that only you can give.