That's Not a Relationship

I did something similar in the last week on my social media, but I will do it here to expand and explain it, more.  As with anything that I write, it will be general and conceptual.  It is not meant to say anything about anyone in particular, and indeed I will be first to note for this post that I have been guilty of the misunderstanding a lot, myself.  However, when I get a realization about something I like to write it to help others that have not realized it, yet.  

For a lot of my life, I have thought I had an understanding about what a romantic thing would be to do for someone and what distinguished a relationship.  However, I realized in my times of personal and general reflection that I had a misunderstanding, which I think a lot of people out there also shared.  So, for this post, I want to write about what a relationship is NOT.  There will be a lot of people out there with strong disagreements, likely.  That's fine.  This is just my own realization.  You are free to disgree with me on it.

First, a relationship is not taking care of someone or providing for someone.  Why do I say that?  Because you can and likely will take care of and provide for many people in your life, not the least of which is your children.  Are you in a romantic relationship with your kids?  I seriously hope not.

Similarly, a relationship is not buying presents for someone.  Again, same reason, you will give gifts to many different people in your life.

A relationship is not giving someone encouragement and support.  A relationship is not receiving anything listed above or more.  In fact, simply receiving something is a passive response, not an active participation in anything.  A relationship is not cooking for someone.  I cook for people that are just friends, as well.  

I can go on, but I think you get the point.  Am I saying these things should not be present?  I sincerely hope they are in some degree with someone I will be with someday.  But, those qualities by themselves is not romance and is not a relationship.  Indeed, often when that is all that remains it becomes mechanical and mundane and begins to fade away.

In my opinion, a romantic relationship is found in the little things that express romantic interest and attraction and romantic love for someone.  It is in the little notes left for them to find, the little touches when they were not expecting it, the cuddles and hand holding of two people empowered by those touches, the smiles and laughs that no one else gets to see, and literally TELLING them how you feel about them from the weakness in the knees to the warm love in the heart.

I understand that no everyone is comfortable with emotions, so the list above can be modified and expanded as per your situation, but I do believe that it must be present with active influence from both sides, or... what exactly is your reason for not just being single?   In my own life, I am content to be single and enjoy my time with friends and family and more, until there is some expression of this from someone in whom I feel the same way.  I do not plan to cheapen the dream, and I don't think you should do so, either.  But, your story is your story, and I respect your ability to write it how you will.  I am just giving what I feel will make it even better.  Have a good weekend. :)

Boundaries Examples

This will be short, but i wanted to explain and give examples of boundaries in your life and why it is important to have them.

It took until this year for me to understand that boundaries are not things we put on the actions of other people but on ourselves.  Many still don't get that.  A boundaries isn't saying that someone else should do or don't do this or that to please me.  A boundary literally says I will go this far and no more.   It is our BOUNDARY of effort, giving, doing, etc.   That will impact how and whether we choose to do things with or for others.  It is not an either or.  It can be yes, but.  It can be I'll help to this extent, but I will be faithful to my own needs, first.  It can be... that's a you activity or show to do without me,because I do not have an interest in it, without making conclusions about the value of the other person as a whole.  And, it can be.. you are a good person but not what I need for a close connection.

Those are just a few examples, but but the point is that you are looking our for your own needs and clearly communicating your limits, while making choices to support your own peace and happiness.   Because, in the end, that is our responsibility to ourselves to do.

What Boundaries Protect

As with many other things that I take the time to process and think through on my own, there are going to be a lot of people that don't get it or understand, as well as others that are like... FINALLY, he's getting it.  But, I don't do my processing for pleasing either group.  Sometimes, it takes people a little longer to get there, but they need that time to get there.  Rushing them there can have them miss important steps in development, along the way.

So, I wanted to do another post about what it is that boundaries are meant to protect.  This isn't a new concept to my point, just an element within it that explains why boundaries are important.  Boundaries that you erect to keep you from giving too much of yourself does not mean that you are not going to want to give.  I am about to go give my time to a charity, this morning.  That is a part of who you are as a person should be one thing that you protect with your boundaries, as well.  However, it can and should be limited such that it does not prevent you from fulfilling your other needs, too.  

What boundaries are meant to protect in my mindset is the lifestyle and life that you deserve and desire.  This cannot be done giving too much to things that grow in need, due to their reliance upon you.  You have to balance all of your needs.  Do you desire to give gifts to family?  Do you desire to go to baseball games and needs of entertainment?  Do you desire to read or to puzzle or to get fit or something else?  Do you desire to find a romantic partner and live a romantic life?  Whatever it is that you have in your mind that will be important for you to be able to be happy, you need to budget your money and your time in order to make sure you have the ability to do them.  And, that will require you to say no.

Saying no is not easy to me, but it is something I am getting better at doing the more that I am practicing my boundaries.  When I decide to do something for myself, that does not mean that I need to give that experience to others around me.  They should be providing for their own experiences.  Some, I can include, if that is such that it fits my own goals and is appropriate.  There are many things that are done only as couples.  In the course of my processing in the last year, I thought... why can't people that are just friends do this or that in a non romantic way.  And, truly, it is possible that those involved can keep the correct mentality about the sharing of the events (though that needs to be done actively), but what I am discovering is that everywhere you go others will automatically assume you are a couple, even if you are not.  So, it doesn't matter what you believe to keep the right impression.  Unless you want to keep explaining everywhere you go, you must set boundaries on what you will do with friends, as well.  And, when they are reserved for your special future someone, it will BE special, as it once was with another.

But, to get back to my point, boundaries protect YOU and your ability to BE you and to live the life that you desire with those that you desire in the way that you desire.  Give, but the first person to whom you should give is yourself being given the chance to have the life that you deserve to be living towards the happiness that you desire.

Thoughts and Tips on Moving Forward

I want to keep this as general and free of personal details as possible, but I think I have some valid thoughts and tips on moving forward to share with others.  At least, I can say that they have helped me to be able to do so.  I have, unfortunately, had multiple periods in my life that I have needed to reset and restart from different kind of challenges, not just romantic but the principles apply.  So, I hope this helps you to have an easier go of it than me learning it.

The first thing that you need to know is that it is that it is.  You need to look at it objectively and factually, because your emotions will be telling you all kinds of things and leading you into dark paths of trying to establish who to blame or what this says about life, God, fate, and much more.  You don't want to hear this when you are considering it, but... your experience isn't unique to you.  You are not being singled out to be cursed.  If it happened more than once, it is not necessarily a character defect.  You are not being punished.  It is just change.  It was change that brought joy into your life, and it is change that takes it away.

While it is important to consider things and learn, as we go through life; it does not mean that you necessarily did something wrong to venture down paths that did not remain or to love those that would ultimately not be in your life, anymore.  The moments were good, and you were good to feel the moments and to show love to another and to be passionate about the happiness that you were feeling.  All of these are good qualities about YOU.  And, you need to be able to forgive yourself for taking the risk and opening up in order to be able to do it in the future, again.  You also don't need to trash the other person or rewrite the good days into bad ones to be able to move on.  I know that happens to be the trend in our society, but it is not healthy and not valid or honest to do so.  Returning to the first point, it is that is is, and it was that it was.  The good that you had in that moment and that you saw in others was good in that moment and will always be so, no matter how we try to re-frame it.  Accept that the good was good and that it is over.

And, when it is over, let it be over.  While it is possible for things to resume and reset, that becomes harder and harder as time goes without effort on both sides.  Returning to objectivity, if there is no foundation upon which to revive it, you have to let it die.  This is a principle that also applies to much more than relationships.  But, change happens, and we change and grow.  Life becomes a new story that is happening around you, and you cannot keep living in days that no longer exist.  It will only detract from the peace and balance you can have for your current days.  Sometimes, also, things change into new or redefined connections that can be better than they were originally, since everyone is growing.. hopefully.

In growing, it is important to focus upon yourself.. not trying to change to convince someone that has rejected you or to learn how to put on a better image for others.  That is just a continuation of the problem.  It is important to learn who you are at your core, become the best version of that person that you can be, fall in love with that person, and learn to shine as that person, simply by allowing others to see you happy being yourself.  This true note will filter out those that are not meant to be in your life and attract those that will be.  This is a natural process, and you do not have to take a hand in trying to control it.  Whatever happens was meant to happen.

So, I hope that these reflections and tips will help you in finding your feet for a happy future, no matter what change happened in your life. 

Friendship

My last blog post was dating concept related, but I want that to be a smaller part of this blog, overall.  Why?  It isn't because dating and romance are bad, but that is just one small part of what can make you happy.  And, it is very easy to get so wrapped up in the pursuit that you forget all the other things that can make you happy, including those things that you can do all on your own... things that you like and don't have to check with someone about doing and don't have to get someone to go with you to do.  There is also friendship, which I think hold MUCH value for you, probably more than a romance in my opinion.  So, I wanted to do a post about friendship to highlight a kind of connection too often overlooked or minimized.

First of all, friendship is not romance.  I have heard many people over my life talk about their frustration when they start being friendly to someone of the opposite sex and that person thinks the the acts of friendship or being nice is flirting.  Indeed, I have had that frustration, myself.  However, friendship is not flirting.  Friendship is friendship.  Flirting is flirting.  Of course, a lesson to others is that it goes in the opposite direction, as well.  You should not think that you are displaying romance for someone else if you are simply being kind of friendly, too.  It is a different kind of communication and action to flirt and be romantic than to just be kind, supportive, encouraging, listening, or helpful.  Those are qualities that I would HOPE we can all display for everyone around us that needs it, and those are qualities of a good friend... thus my saying I think having a friend can be much more important than having romance, and I would suggest that you never trade friendship for romance by being with someone that will not let you have your friends.

When you find a real friend, it is like finding family.  You know that they will be there for you in your need, and you know they will care about your struggles.  They know that you will change your plans to aid them or dig through trash for something important that they lost.  When good things happen, who do you want to tell... your friends.  When bad things happen, who do you need to be there for you.. your friends.  

So, yes.. date (slowly and observantly and without sacrificing your needs or wants), but more importantly, make friends and be a a friend.  On your path to happiness, that is one consistent type of connection that you will want to have to the end of your life journey. 

The Dark Chronicles Act 15: Getting Older

I've had this blog in my head for most of the day, but I haven't had much time to write it.  This week has been very busy, and it has felt like there hasn't been much time to think or write or listen to music, which I will do after this blog.  A younger person could probably do it all, but that's to the point of this blog.

For those that have followed me for years, you know that I have embraced the realities of getting older.  That doesn't mean that I don't take actions to try to keep fit or choose a good diet.. both within reason.  However, I have long outgrown that desire among those that fight aging, who don't like to talk about their age or aging or getting older.  I don't dye my hair.  I don't hide my hair loss patches.  I don't try to pretend I will have a washboard ab.  I don't try to hide my wisdom that has been gained by age.  I will tell old dad jokes, and I will talk about the weather... the way the world is turning... aches and pains.. and more.  I stopped pretending that everything works naturally.. ha.. and take measures to help make it enjoyable for me and others and to not kick myself when it doesn't always go according to plan.  

Some will see this as a flaw.  Others will not have a problem with it.  I tend to find more that accept that I age, because if the same aging spotlight was turned on others, it wouldn't make them look very well, either.  But, I stopped letting whether someone accepts it or not affect how I feel about myself.   At this age, if that is a major flaw to someone else that I age, they disqualify themselves to participate in the next round.

For 4 years, I spent a lot of time down in Florida, before returning to where I am, now.  I met a lot of people that were in their later years of life, and I found that once you get past that insecure stage, you reach a sort of elder social club.  Now, I still have a while to go before I am really a full elder age.  However, it helped me regain a proper perspective of life.  Life isn't about looking young.  Indeed, as you get older, you recognize the full meaning of "immature" and lose value for the opinions of those that are still in the learning stages of life.  They have something to offer, but they have much to unlearn.

Getting older isn't a flaw.  It isn't a bad mark.  It is an accomplishment, and you know many of the dark truths in life that the majority won't know and won't speak.. unless you are like me that says what I mean and means what I say.  Your body won't always work well, but that isn't something to fear.  It is actually a test.  Some day, your body will have a LOT of problems, and you will be old.  When you reach that point, will those around you care for you and be interested in being connected to you and appreciate you?   There is a lot of talk about the old Penguins that hold hands in old age, and that is the real dream in life.  It doesn't just mean romantic partners but friends and more.  Who will be at your side, when you get to older ages?  If they will not, they should not be your main focus or priority in your current years, either.  I want those around me that would like me broke, sick, sometimes irrational, or needy, as well as how I am in my confident and good times.  I want companions that will like me younger or older.  And, I am grateful for the tests that make that apparent.  

So, don't fear getting older.  Don't hide getting older.  Don't change to appear immature.  You are entitled to be the mature hero that you have become, and I say you should enjoy the remainder of your life, until you no longer can do so. 

 

Speak Up, I Can't Hear YOU

My friends and online acquaintances have to think I am crazy.  I tend to speak about whatever I like, even if it offends some people.. especially in some cases.  Think of me like SNL.. if I haven't offended you about something,  yet.. give it time.  So, they have to think I don't understand that keeping that inside will attract more friends.. or more.  But, I'm very aware.

First of all, my goal in life is not "or more."  I've been there, done that.  I know better than most how to act in a way that people would accept me.  I've had many successful dates and two marriages (I could give Ryan Reynolds a run for his money), but I learned long ago that getting someone on a false image or muted one will end up causing problems when the real me comes out.  To be fair, they also didn't give an accurate depiction of themselves, either.

And, friends is similar, except you can generally be friends with someone that only shares a few interests and limited to those interests.  You don't have to approve of the rest, because why would you?  In the case of those that would bail at my differing opinion, I want to give them ample opportunity to leave.  Someone left my friends list in the last week.  I don't know who, as they were not a closer connection, but I've lost closer connections at times, as well.  Better to establish that as early as possible.

So... yeah.  I don't shy away from stating my opinions and criticisms.  Some Christians will only be friends with or date other Christians.  So, there's nothing wrong with non Christians doing the same, and the way that you attract those kinds of friends or those ok with you as you is to be yourself.  So, don't hide yourself.  You'll end up hurting your own goals could even end up having to live a life not as yourself just to please someone who was only into your illusion.  Speak up.  You'll feel better, and the results will be closer to what you desire.

Honey and Vinegar

You know the phrase… you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar.  Aside from wondering why you’re trying to please FLIES, the point is that people will want to be around you more if you are nice than bitter.

Those newest to my page.. say within 2023.. will find this harder to believe, but I used to be very… vinegar.  I spoke my mind about my independent political leanings, my questions about the vaccines, and more.  I felt like some things needed to get said, and I was contributing to the great societal discussion… I didn’t mind opposition.  I liked it when people were honestly thinking, even if I disagreed and often found them a source of information to educate me, as well… though there were times I took it personally.

However, what I found was that most people have resistance to opposing views and harden their shells and positions upon hearing different views.  Rather than changing minds, I was reinforcing them.  Further, I lost friends and turned off acquaintances.. both for my views and for being openly political.  Once upon a time, it was a firm rule that at the dinner table you did not speak of politics, religion, or other controversial things.


But, while my personal life took a toll, society grew more and more divided and nothing was improved.  I came to value recognition of the good in others, more than being right… unity over victory.  So, I stopped being political at all, publicly.  Instead of being critical, I made people happy.. said positive things and listened to others and just focused on being happier.

As a result, I have stronger friendships with people than ever.. even among those with whom I used to publicly disagree.  I have more peace in my day, and… society remains as broken as ever.. but not in my feed or my conversations.  I used to have rules like I see among those that date not to date someone that didn’t agree.. but if you don’t talk about controversial things, the only thing that should matter is.. do they love you.  So, I hope this will help others to find a path to happier days.