Wind and Waves

One of my favorite things to do in the whole world is to sit and watch the waves or to listen to the wind or both.  It's like heaven to me, and all my concerns wash away into bliss.

Do you know one thing that is true of both of those things... wind and waves?  They are both so out of my control that I don't even pretend to control them.  I just let them be as they are and admire them for how amazing that is.  Everyone understands this, in fact.  That's how sails work.  People don't try to change the wind.  They just adapt to it to push them forward.  Surfers don't try to control the waves.  They learn how to ride them.

Why am I talking about wind and waves?  It's one of the recurring themes I have been noting alongside boundaries.  It is an essential part of progress,  in fact, to use this to move YOU forward, too.  It is the appreciation of reality.  You will not begin to plan and execute your steps towards happiness,  if you keep expecting it to come from places with no evidence of the potential.  A recent quote from an online counselor that I watch was ...

"Procrastination is the choice to endure the discomfort of inaction rather than the discomfort of progress.... choose your hard." Quinlan Walther 

Unwarranted hope without evident potential only keeps us paralyzed from making the choices and setting the boundaries that are planned to take us from a place of inaction to a place of potential.  So, the first step in finding happiness is seeing the lack of it without illusion and then becoming discontent with the absence.  Then, you will do something about it.

So, today, take the moments you need to acknowledge the things that are not working for you, so you can get on a better path.  Then, at least you are not just standing still.

Disposable Culture Post Matured

One of my FB memories I shared on social media was screenshots of a post I did many years back.  While I think it makes a still true general theme and good points, I do feel that I've matured since it and can do it in a more accurate and efficient manner.  So, here goes...

What's old, and what's young?  What is new and what's old?  A lot of these distinctions have begun to blur and fade, as the youth return to things that was popular in my younger days, and the older people can definitely be showing a lack of maturity and we see examples of that on a daily basis, it seems.  Age gaps in dating used to be frowned upon, and now there's reality tv shows about it and examples from celebrity couples.

So, my post must divert from how it was written, prior.  In that post, I'd suggest age was one factor in why people break up.  But, that aspect aside, the rest is ptetty sound.  What I said was that in our culture we are taught to look for flaws and not good characteristics or qualities.  So, it is easy for people to look for flaws and once found to use that as the defining item for the whole person,  disregarding the rest.  And, if that is the judgment standard, people will move from experiment to experiment, enjoying it til a flaw is found and then moving on to the next one.

But, I do feel that a few disclaimers must be made that I failed to note in the past.  While I do not think we should be looking for flaws, I do think we should be looking for love and respect and happiness.  Some situations are toxic and others are simply a mismatch of needs and abilities.  I don't say those should be ignored.  Some can be addressed and moved past.  Others are roadblocks.  So, there are exceptions to this post.

That said, we DO live in a disposable culture that looks for flaws and discards upon them.  Many dating profiles I used to see when I used the apps would read like a recipe of requirements.  If you failed to meet all of them, you were disqualified.  Yet, if you write such a list, you are basing the future on the past, and some of my best experiences have come from adventure into the new.

So, when the society pressure to find fault comes into your mind, keep in mind your own faults and maybe extend a little grace and show more curiosity, instead.

The Path to Happiness is Not as Complicated as We Make It

I've come to this realization many different times in my blog and life.  That's usually a sign you should pay attention,  as the universe seems to like to make you repeat the same lesson over and over til you get it.  I am happy that I've been taking the time to learn and apply, lately.  The realization is this.  Our path to happiness is not as complicated as we make it.  In the end, it comes down to a lesson Joseph Campbell taught for many decades.  It is easily summarized as this.. follow your bliss.

Sometimes, we may not know all the pieces that that includes, but we don't need more light than the next step.  And, truly, we don't even need to know what that step is. All we need to know is that we're not happy with our situation or amt piece of it.  So, bliss is not being there.

Then, maybe you don't know where to go, but that can be easily ascertained, too.  What do you like to do?  Where do you like to be?  As you look back over your life, what were the moments that made you feel peace, safety, confidence in your ability for the future or connectedness to universal threads that resonated with your core being?  Now, move towards that.

As you do, it may feel unfamiliar at first, as it ia a new adventure.  But, the more time you spend there, the more you feel that area of existence as home, wherever you are, and you can carry that sense of belonging and being wherever you go.

So, my challenge to you tonight is to ask if you feel you can follow your bliss where you are, or are there obstacles to that bliss or others that don't want you to reach it.  Then, realize that anyone not supporting your bliss is not supporting YOU, and adjust accordingly.  

In this life,  you are primarily responsible for one life... yours.  If you ever were to fail at that, others would not feel they let you down,  because that's not their responsibility.  They'd say... why didn't you take care of yourself?  So, go do that.  Those that want you unhappy or to change may be disappointed, but in the long run you wouldn't be... couldn't be.. happy to sacrifice yourself for them and when you reach that ahhh moment of being on your own path,  you can thank me.  I've been at that point many times and am on my way towards that point, again.  I'll toast you, when I get there.  

One final note... even though that was a good ending.  My reaching my ahh moment or following my bliss should have no bearing on others reaching theirs, unless their ahh moment was controlling mine.  I don't think anyone wants that.  So, we should all follow our bliss, and leave others the freedom to follow their own.

Blueberry Nights

A few weeks ago, I ran across a movie scene at like three AM for a movie with big stars and was free and I was shocked I'd never seen it. I watched the movie, that night.  It was good.  I'd recommend you watch it, sometime.  It's called My Blueberry Nights, and I'm sorry if I already noted it.  I've been distracted of late.

Anyways, in THIS SCENE (click to watch), the main character (Jude Law) is explaining to a girl that is mourning a lost relationship that every night in his cafe there is a whole untouched Blueberry pie.  The character played by Norah Jones asked what's wrong with the pie.  He answers nothing is wrong with the pie.  It's good pie.  You can't blame the pie.  It's just not everyone's first choice.

We need to remember in our nights of feeling rejected by so many over our years and wondering why others cannot see our value that it's not necessarily a fault in the recipe.  We can be the best we can be, and we will still be passed over by those who don't like our flavor or texture.  Letting that get us down will only make us less of a reward to someone that is truly hungry for what we are.

So, that's my post for the evening.  Stay true.  Stay you.  Love yourself, and be the very best blueberry pie that you can be, whether or not anyone takes a bite.

Here's a link to the free movie too.  I think I'll watch it again, now.

Relevance

This will be a short post.  I wasn't planning on doing any posts this holiday weekend, but I will do this one.

I was reflecting on the fandom sites reactions to Good Omens 3 and social media agenda to cancel culture things, today.  And I was realizing that it really doesn't matter what the "critics" ( well named) say about it.  In the end, it was a product of art, and the true fans will appreciate it. I know I did.

And, I was thinking how often, lately, that I have posted something or felt something and didn't have an immediate response by viewer stats that I had expected.  But, I knew that what I felt and said was a striking of a true cord, so.. I let it be.  And, in the days that followed the stats would bend to support my position.  However, that wan't the point of the pst and isn't ever the point. I don't post to be popular.  If I was, I would pick far less controversial things to say.

So, the ENTIRE point of this post which I will say and then leave is that you must always consider the relevance level of your critics.  In the end of days, you have yourself.  If you believe in yourself, that level does not include those that would never approve of who you happen to be.  So, you must consider the relevance of your objectors and whether they actually... matter.

I mean, seriously.. who takes the time to take issue with things of which they don't approve, as if their opinion has any bearing on those who they already disapprove.  But, I would simply say, consider the relevance of those that find fault with you.  Ultimately, if you approve of yourself, their criticism is more important to exclude them as a potential than it is for changing who you choose to be.  And , that is ultimately a case for always being transparent.

However, to being this back in line for Memorial Day, remember that people once loved you for who you are and fought for your right to be different.  Don't let them down, now.  Be yourself.  It is the fastest way to make sure who loves you for who you are and who liked you for what you can do.  

Happy Memorial Day.  This is my final post til after it is over. 

The Necessity of Being Selfish

I touched on it in my social media, but I am going to take a running thrust into it in this post.  Do you feel like my recent messages about erecting boundaries on what you will give to others will make you a selfish person?  Congrats.  You got the message.  Now, do you feel like that is a bad thing?  Only in excess...

Consider for a moment your finances.  I have spent too many years over my life living right down to the wire.  Sometimes, it came from me giving too much to others for their needs and nothing left for myself.  Sometimes, it was because the money just wasn't there for a long time, or there were things that came along to take it away.  Indeed, these examples are exactly why it is important to be selfish.  But, let me go ahead and get more specific. 

In 2023, I was working in a decent paying accounting job in Florida.  Even before that I was making pretty good money delivering food with Doordash and Ubereats in between accounting jobs.  However, I got this job, and it looked like it was going to be a good deal.  But, the day of the interview, it stormed really bad, and the power literally went out as I was in the interview.  I got out to my car, and it had a flat tire.  I changed the tire, and drove it home.  The car place that I went to to replace the tire used a lift that broke my car door.  And, I was having to pay for a rental car to get to work, while waiting 3 weeks for my first paycheck.  Then, my car needed repairs, and I had to use credit for those repairs.  But... eventually, fiances worked out to balance and life was deceent.. tight as I was paying those credit bills... but decent.  Then, I got a retina tear, which became a retina detachment, and I was left unable to work in the recovery period for a month.  After that, I could go back to work, but it didn't fully heal, and it required a second operation and another month without pay.  I couldn't keep putting work through all of that, so I went back to delivery, til I knew things has stabilized. I could go into more details of other things happening in that time, but this is enough to illustrate my point.  I was forced to endure two periods of not being able to work for a month at a time, and I had thousands of dollars in auto repairs that had to be done, while my pay was delayed.  It destroyed my finances and led to great hardship on my social links, as well.  Not having a savings account, due to periods of self sacrifice and other things, led to personal struggle.  I was at least lucky that at the time no one was depending on my income, but what if they were.

If you fail to set yourself as a priority in your own life and keeping a decent amount of your own extra income for yourself in a savings, you can find yourself being similarly down to the wire and worried about paying for food or rent.  I am reminded of the biblical story of the profit that told a king to save up and store up food and more, because hardship was coming.  Then, when it came, the kingdom survived.  You cannot continue to live with your country debt higher than you income.. hint hint.. and that is true of personal income, as well.  

So, yes, it is important to work hard and earn what you can.  But, it is also important to stop giving it away all the time.  Give, yes... but the FIRST thing you should be giving is your own storehouse.  I have many future plans that will require a budget to make happen.  Yet, I have seen in recent months that I am spending too much, both on activities (which I will continue to do but less) and for other people that will not even be in my life in the years to come.  I have come to the crystal clear understanding that the FIRST responsibility of myself is the same as everyone else.. to themselves.  And, that has led me into the boundaries that will continue the rest of my life.  

Does that mean I will not give to others in my life?  Will I be stingy for romantic partners or others?  No.  But, I will not be self sacrificing, either, when it comes to my own future needs.  Indeed, being selfish is not only good for me but for others that will rely upon me.  At any time, there could be auto repairs, health needs, lost work, or more.  What happens to those that are expectant on my income at that time?  What happens when I decide to retire and have no retirement?  Do I expect others to provide for me?  No.. it is not their place.  It is MY place and responsibility.  If I face need from any of the above, what will those around me be saying at that time? They will be saying.. why didn't you take care of your own finances or health or more?  So... do not check with them when you provide time and money for those things, now.

I know this will ruffle the feathers of others, but the largest group of those that will be offended are those that do not know what it is like to live without.  I have much experience in that arena, actually.  So, MY advice to you is that you follow the wisdom of Poor Richard (Benjamin Franklin) who said in the Way of Wealth..

 "If you would be wealthy think of saving as well as getting.

"God helps those that help themselves."

"When the well is dry, they will know the worth of the water."

"For age and want, save while you may; no morning sun last the whole day"

 

According to Plan

I just completed my 5 mile run this weekend of which I have been training since late March.  At that time, I was not running at all.  I had the confidence I could do it, but in order to make it happen, it took brutal honesty of how I was currently, create a training plan to get there, and dedicated work to make it happen.

I give this as an example, because I am applying this method in other areas of my life, as well.  You cannot budget on hope.  You cannot live in expectation that anyone else will suddenly come in to make it happen.  And, you cannot get there without all of the elements, above. 

Brutal Honesty 

Whatever it is that you want, you must first look at where you are with brutal honesty.  Don't be polite to please others or hopeful of things you do not see.  If you do that, you will remain paralyzed, forever, living your life for other people's dreams.

Make a Plan

Next, make your plan.  It should be achievable and real but have a challenge to meet.  It needs to recognize obstacles to remove and lead where you know provides at the very least a foundation for growth to more.  The next step is a worthy goal, as well.

Execute the Plan

Dedicate yourself to the plan.  Expect to have doubts or feel tired on some days, so do not let emotions sway your plan.  Emotions sway, so sway them back to the plan and stay on course.  It will take time,  so don't base success of the plan on immediate results but rather feel good about putting yourself first and journey onward.

My plan has milestones and steps, and I know exactly what each part will be this year.  I know it will lead to a good foundation of personal ownership of my life and my goals and good potential to reach them.  Then, the years that follow will only grow from there.

I don't know your plans, but if you really want to reach them, some version of this will be important for you as well.  I believe in you to be able to define and reach the happy milestones ahead in all your lives.

Unvalidated Blessings

There is a show that is on Apple TV right now called Margo's Got Money Troubles and in the show the main character is a single mother that was knocked up by her college professor, who then proceeded to break it off as he was married with kids.  She had to pay the bills and was not able to get another job so began an Onlyfans account.  It takes off, but then the mother of the man that knocked her up thinks her job will make him and his family look bad.  So, she has him sue for full custody to take away her child and calls Family Services on her, as well.. saying she is an unfit mother.  I don't want to dwell on this story much, except to use it to introduce the theme of this blog post, as it is a fitting example.

We have this problem in our society.  It didn't used to be this way, or it was not to this degree.  We have a very polarizing society structure, and suddenly what it means to someone to choose a way of life or thinking means that they feel they must condemn and control people that do not share that point of view.  It is not just enough to not be a certain way... they must rid the world of anyone that would disagree or at the very least make them publicly shamed for their choices.  

And, so, things become "bad" or "evil" for simply being different.  I put those in quotes, because this is not just limited to religious circles, though it is a problem that breeds in religious circles where one feels they must be cleansed and then cleanse others to be holy.  But, non religious groups can do the same.  And, it is not tied to a single political party, either.  It seems that the qualifications to fit in most groups is not what you believe but whether you share their condemnations.

But, my post takes a pivot, here, that many would not do and say things that many will not say, because... well... I think that is my place in life to say the difficult and unpopular truths, and this is a glaring one that will offend many... but.. hold on an try to consider with the same open mind in which you considered Margo, above.  So what if they ARE doing something that is BAD or EVIL?  Do you know that in their lives it is not actually serving a GOOD purpose or is important for them to be doing?

I drink.. more than a little.  All the health books would say I should drink less.  All the fitness books would say that I should drink less.  I'm NOT gonna drink less.  Why?  It stills my internal waves and allows me to process in a more calm manner.  That may not be true for many, but it is true for me and some of my best writing has been done wasted.  It also allows me to be able to enjoy life.  I can be at a place or doing a thing that would cause me to get overwhelmed by emotions... or fear (like being on a balcony at a concert or being in a social settle as an introvert) but a few drinks and voila.. my mind is stilled and I can enjoy the moments peacefully and happily.  Then, I do another thing... and another.. and soon, I'm feeling more happy on my own or doing things due to all the good times I am having or things I am doing.  And, drinking makes that possible.

Then, there is porn.  So many people will tell you that porn is bad and evil and demonic in some groups.  However, to someone that is hurting from emotional breakups, the choice is to either use porn or to use people.  I would not recommend using people, as that will only cause further pains for more involved.  Or, maybe you don't need someone in your life right now, but you have sexual needs to satisfy.  Surely, the same groups that condemn you for using porn would condemn you for getting into a relationship simply to satisfy their sexual needs.

Those are just a few examples, and I could go on and on.  People make life choices that others would not make, and many would condemn those things in their own lives.  But, that's the thing.. it isn't in their lives.  It has always given me a humorous pause when I see people in happy marriages that have not seen toxic ones or divorce giving advice to those that are in that state.  Like.. how do you think you are qualified to understand what they are going through or what they need?  You haven't been there.

So, that is how I will end this blog post.  Your life is your life, and if everything is rosy.. I am happy for you.  A lot of what I write will not make sense to you, but it isn't written from you or for you, so move along.  But, if you are someone that is living on the edge and a drink or letting yourself spend some money or another act will keep you going and give you enough self love and foundation to look forward to another day... that is good, and I will defend you being able to make that choice any dam day. 

Feel it All

There is a particular responsibility that comes with letting yourself feel your emotions.  You have to feel it all.  We are not cartoon characters that only display one emotion and one side of their personality.  We have complex emotions and at any given time can and often do feel many things, even those things that can be at contrast.  I say cartoon, but I guess the Inside Out cartoon was multiple feelings at once.  That would be more accurate.

Because the truth is that we are hardly ever just one way, just as our days are not just one way.  There can be good and bad, and both are valid.  I saw a meme online the other day of Dr Who saying that the good of a day does not solve the bad, nor does the bad take away from the good.  That is very true.  I am always a mix of things, and I try my best to keep them compartmentalized, because it is indeed true that if you are always focusing on the bad emotions, you can miss out on so much of the good things that can happen in your life.  However, to focus on the good things without allowing yourself to feel the bad can rob you of necessary healing and growth that needs to be done.  So, I wouldn't expect anyone that I ever met to be "over" the bad things in their past or the challenges of their present.  We all have them, even if we forgive and make peace with those that did them.  All I would expect is what I try to do myself.. turn the page, recognize the past is the past and look to see what the next chapter in our lives might hold.. albeit with the growth that we gain from the prior chapters in understanding others as well as ourselves.

So, if someone were to see me smiling a lot or laughing, it does not mean that there is not a part of me that is also reflecting on the past.  That is impossible, as we will always have things that remind us of people from our past.. a location, a fandom, a show or movie, or even a sport or hobby.  To deny that is to force yourself to come face to face with it.  But, you can make new memories in those things, as well as accept that those good memories of the past are valid and can be accepted as good.. in the past.  You are not tied to a specific emotion, and others are not able to be judged as 2 dimensional either.  There can be good, even in the stories that you no longer read.  And, spending our lives trying to fictionalize that good will only elongate our journey to find truth and joy in the future.

So, I allow myself to feel it all.  I allow myself to accept good and bad, love and strain, loss and rebirth.  I allow myself to accept the good that I felt was good that I felt, even as I use reason to guide my path forward.  Indeed, that is a skill we must develop if we are going to make wise decisions for our future path, apart from hormones and emotions that we will face.

So, this post is simply to challenge you to feel it all, if you are really going to see a true picture of reality. Then.... as you let the emotions flow through you.. let them flow from you and let it go.  Take a breath.  And, look and start stepping forward.  Happiness can happen, again, and holding onto the negative will only blind your ability to see and experience it.  And, I wouldn't wan that loss for anyone, least of all myself. 

Choose Your Adventure

I don't honestly even know if they still make these, so I might be referencing something that my audience will be like... what?  But, when I was growing up, I had a favorite type of book that I would read.  I got addicted to them, and I would buy so many different ones.  They were called "choose your adventure" I believe.  You would read a bit of the book, and it would say something like... if you choose THIS option, go to page xx, and if you choose THAT option, go to page xxx.  It would weave in and out of different sections of the book based upon what you chose to do.  I loved those books, because they were never the same story twice, even if they were the same book.

Earlier, I watched an online counselor saying that you have the power of agency to change whatever is in your life.   Indeed, that has been my perspective that has aligned with my boundaries of late.  I can choose what I allow my self to do for someone and what I demand for myself.  No one else has the power to choose that for me or you.

Now.... it may piss some people off that they cannot control you or make you fit into a nice neat little box of which they approve.  But, I've never been very fond of those kind of boxes.I shared something the other day that said that protecting your peace may mean disappointing everyone else, and I think it probably will for many of your choices.  But, then, you are not choosing for them.  You CAN be the person that ends up choosing for them, and it is easy to fall into the trap of doing just that, but little by little you will end up losing yourself for those that would rather you bend so they don't lose THEIR self.  

But, here is the thing.  I don't need YOU to change to be who I am.  You don't need me to change in order to be yourself, unless part of who you are is someone that demands everyone around them to be like them.  If that is your mentality, personal freedoms become a threat, and ultimately you will end up rejecting everyone.. which is the theme of so many different stories out there.  People say, you do you.  It means, it doesn't change my freedom to be myself just to let you be yourself.  This didn't used to be such a controversial thing to say.  However, lately, the choice is not really control versus freedom but which flavor of control that you choose to accept.  I don't CHOOSE to agree with that.

So, I will end with a link to a movie segment that I will put into a new playlist that I will make, tonight.  It is from Demolition Man, and it is a guy talking about the value of freedom.  I hope you enjoy it, and check out my other playlists HERE.  But, here is the movie scene, as well.

 

Reason vs Delusion

This last December, I got to take a trip to one of my favorite places that I have been, so far in my life.. Tampa Bay.  As part of that, I went to the Dali museum, and they were having a special showing of the life of Van Gogh.  As it progressed talking about it, it was referencing his growing mental illness and his loss of context with reality, until he finally killed himself.  As they were going though all of that, I was over there like.. wait.. what?  He was mentally ill?  Yes, I know he cut off his ear for a woman and that was bad, but he was just very passionate and emotional... right?  Right.. and that's the point.

Passions are a great thing to feel, and I am a very emotional person.  I have followed them into many, many life changes in my life, against reason and often against others speaking the reason.  I thought it was a GOOD quality, and I prided myself on following my passions... even if over and over again they would ultimately lead to pain... which of course they would, being against reason.

Passion and ideals are not supposed to be an alternative for reason.  They can work in concert.  However, when passion and emotions are not in line with situations that can last or are performed in a way and timing that is fitting, you cannot blame reality for them not magically working out.  Indeed, sometimes, pain is a good thing.  It can cause us to learn and to grow and to develop.  It is discontent that leads us to the desire to seek progress and take steps in that direction.  And, all of that is using REASON to guide, not how you are feeling.

People love to quote Socrates, as written down by Plato.  That whole school of Socrates delved into philosophy and ideals like beauty, love, and truth.  They would explore many concepts that are still to this day being discussed in classroom and courtrooms.  However, do you know what the end result of Socrates was?  That is not discussed in public, very often.  Socrates killed himself, believing that was being true to his principles.

So, this post has that point.  Yes, it is good for you to have emotions and ideals and to figure out what you like and want, and you should take definite moves in that direction.  However, you ALSO have to deal with the real life in which you find yourself.  You should not romanticize things that do not exist, nor base your budget upon hopes and dreams.  You base your budgets on work, and you work towards your dreams.  And, if something is not working, you learn and do something else.  THAT is the only way that you will ever reach the happiness that you desire, and it will take a lot of self discipline, telling others no, and patient and persistent choices to finally get you to where you want to be. 

Gloria.. Why Isn't Anybody Calling.. Gloria

There's a really good old song by a very sexy woman, Laura Branigan, called Gloria.  I'll put the link HERE, but here's some of the lyrics..

"And you really don't remember
Was it something that he said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?

"Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'?
If everybody wants you
Why isn't anybody callin'?
You don't have to answer
Leave them hangin' on the line
Oh-oh, calling Gloria

"[Chorus]
Gloria (Gloria)
I think they got your number (Gloria)
I think they got the alias (Gloria)
That you've been living under (Gloria)
But you really don't remember
Was it something that they said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?"

An exaggeration, but it makes a point that fits with my Perspectives post and current mentality.  Being a creative person, it is easy for caring people like me to imagine someone is feeling more strongly than they are or are sorry when they are not or want you when they don't know you exist.  I finally got to the point that I don't want to guess, anymore.  Besides, if someone cannot act on their own towards me, it would never be equal romance, anyways.  Thus.. to touch on a few recent blog posts, I will keep going out and having fun and having conversations and more.  But, until something is actually and objectively real, it is not real to me.  If someone isn't showing interest from the past, they are not real and should not obstruct me from choosing my path forward.

Indeed, I shouldn't even be considering the possibility of things that are not evident.  What I SHOULD be doing and what I am doing, now, is creating plans that will take me to where I know I can be happy on my own in the event that nothing ever happens with anyone.  As I have noted at various times, your first responsibility is to love yourself with the same passion you would give someone else and make yourself happy.  You have known you the longest, know you the best, and only you will likely be with you til the end.  So, be faithful to yourself and your own happiness.  Anyone that actually cares for you would want that for you, anyways.

You Can Do More Than You Believe

I noted that I was going to do this blog post theme a few days ago on social media, but I had a few that I felt was more important to do at that time.  This post is about how you can do more than you believe that you can do.  

I think all of us have had days where we were down on ourselves or felt limited.  I have those days, too.  But, over the decades of my experience, I have seen myself handle things and do things that I did not believe that I was able to do, when there was no other alternative but to do them.  This has caused me to remind myself of that in hard or tiring times.

The other day, I was tired BEFORE I began my run.  I have been training for a 5 mile run that is about a week and a half away at this point.  So, I have been running a lot.  This particular day, I didn't feel that I had the energy to do one mile, let alone more.  But, I remembered the old running saying that the first mile always lies.  What they mean by saying that is that your body will feel that you cannot do the run in the first mile, but after that you find that you can go much further.  Indeed, that day of that run the other day I ended up doing 4 miles and at a pretty good pace, too.

Another example I would give would be my time when I first moved to Florida, after a divorce.   I was on very limited money, but I was determined, as my child was living there.  So, I got a room in a weekly hotel that wasn't even a very good one.  It literally had bars surrounding it for security, and I would hear shots at times in the streets.  I didn't feel safe to be out, after dark.  This may sound odd coming from me, if watch me rave about my time in Florida, but that was just the start.  I worked hard, and I built myself up, day by day, week by week, month by month.  Within 6 months I was in a better place, and within a year or thereabouts, I was making pretty good money, again.  It would go up from there.  But, at the beginning, there were days I had to budget my meals and was doing it all by myself with no family or friends nearby.

Or, I could reference the time that my youngest child was born and due to medical issues with my ex I was pretty much my infant child's only parent for two years, while I was finishing my degree and had to pay bills and do the household needs.  I was getting like 2 hours of sleep a night.  Saying all of that, now, and looking back I wonder how I had the strength to do it all, but I didn't consider that at the time... I just knew I needed to do it.  

So, that is how I want to end this.  I don't know what your challenges are, and I know that you may have some doubts and can only see enough light for the stair step in front of you.  I will just say, take that step.  Then, you can see the next one.  Take it all one day at at time, and before you know it you will be in love with your life, too. 

More Common Than You Think

Ok, this is the more positive of the two posts I was doing, tonight, as promised.  You will find this one less challenging.. maybe.  Some of you might still have to chew it over a bit, as it does upend a few society delusions.  But, as with the other one I wrote, tonight... this one is ALSO something that is important to understand, especially if you are coming off of heartbreak or following paths that didn't turn out as expected.

The society accepted delusion that is perpetuated in many shows and books and more is that there is ONE PERSON that will be so uniquely matched with you that there can be no one else in the universe that could fit the bill... the belief that the person was made just for you and you just for them.  This runs contrary to statistics on the face of it, and it defies experience, as I will explain without going into any past specifics and speaking more general and cumulative.

Let's take some of my own personal interests as the foundation to teaching this concept.  I like Dr Who.  I have my whole life.  At different times, I have met someone that also liked Dr Who, and I felt such a connection with that person that I felt would not be repeated, til it was.. with this person or that person, here or there, for decades of my life.  The same can be said for Star Trek, Babylon 5, baseball, writing, different tv shows, different music styles or bands, and so on and so forth.  Indeed, I included a clip from a Babylon 5 show the other night on my social media, and any one of those people that I shared that interest could think I was posting it for them, even though I was posting it for myself and something that had nothing to do with them.  I liked the show before I met any one of them, which is also the case of the otehr interests listed.

But, to get to my point, even though I greatly liked the fact that I shared the interest with them, experience has taught me that I can enjoy those interests with someone else... and be just as happy with it.  To expand it to a greater point that I'll use to conclude, you may feel that the joys and happy memories you had with someone in the past is something that you cannot enjoy with another, and you may even feel that it is a betrayal of you to even try.  However, those happy moment began with the interest in yourself that existed before the person you knew, and you have every right to enjoy those things again.  And, as much as you feel that there cannot be happiness after a period of happiness has ended, my own life experience and probably yours will tell you that you can be happy, again.. possibly even moreso.  Joy is not exclusive to a person, and if you allow yourself to meet other people, you might just discover that the places you can find it is more common than you think. 

Planning for a Happy Other After

I have two blog posts to write, tonight.  They are very different themes, and the next one will be more comfortable for you.  This one will challenge you and will probably piss off half my readers at first, but it is something that I have concluded is very important on the road to happiness... even for those that will be offended.  So... since that's kinda my thing a lot of time, let's just right into that one, first.

This blog post deals with the important role that doubt plays in your planning and direction of life.  I can hear the faith crowd cringe, already.. but stick with me, and you will have to agree from your own life experience.

I get it.  I was like you, SO many different times in my life.  I felt compelled to believe in my pursuits and situations, and having been taught in church sermons and Bible classes, I felt that it was a personal failure on my part to even THINK that it might not turn out as I wanted it to turn out.  Indeed, so many faith preachers would tell you that it is the doubt that would cause it to not come true.  You HAD to believe and not entertain any thoughts that it could not happen.  Yet, again and again over my life, it DIDN'T happen, and by the time that it didn't happen, I had dedicated a lot of time and resources into what even I could have admitted was not working, had I looked at it objectively, and walked away before it would break me from the attempt.  Imagine if scientists or accountants operated that way and said, "It's not working and hasn't worked, but by god we are going to just keep doing it, anyways."  That would be foolish and not in the best interests of anyone or anything other than satisfying... faith.

Doubt gets a bad rep.  Failure gets one, too.  Both does not mean that you need to have an unhappy life, and in fact are themselves the KEY to maintaining a happy one.  How?  Well, I can look back over my decades, and I am sure that you can do so in your own life examples; and I can see that HAD I entertained the possibility that things would NOT turn out the way that I had planned, I could have had the self respect and boundaries enough to retain more for myself and establish roots and plans and paths for myself that did not depend upon what was hoped coming true.

Indeed, I can look back over my life and look at periods of being truly happy on my own without someone else in my life.  Unlike memories that also included another person in them, those happy memories do not fade or go away, simply because someone is no longer in my life.  They maintain their happy glow without also including sorrow.  But, it doesn't mean that you have to be single for that to be true.  If you have the sense to have boundaries IN a relationship or connection with someone and insist upon having happy hobbies and time APART from the other person, while being in a relationship with them, those memories and times will ALSO maintain their happy glow, with or without them.

As I have been exploring and implementing my own personal boundaries, I have been reflecting on those things in my past that were objectively happy and where and what those things were.  I have also been taking personal times doing happy things that does not include anyone else.  I will continue to explore those memories and activities and make choices in light of what I am learning from that.  Does it mean that I will not hold out hope in finding someone, one day?  No.  I will continue to believe and do believe it will happen for me, again.  But, to return to my main point and drive it home, I will PLAN on a happy OTHER after if it NEVER happens.  I will not hold my breath or joy for something that may never happen but will plan on making my own happiness and finding happiness in whatever path my life will take.  And, I hope that you will welcome doubt in your own plans to do so, as well.

People buy life an health insurance plans and write wills and end of life plans, while yet hoping to live their lives in full.  I hope that you find your goals, but more so I hope that you will be grounded enough to prepare in the even that it doesn't happen that way.  Your happiness should not depend on faith, alone.  Unless you want the kind of rocky and jagged existence that I have too often faced, I hope you welcome doubt in your planning, as well. 

Perspective

This post is gonna wander a bit like a drunk puppy, but there is a consistent theme.... perspective.

Lately, I have been doing a lot of reframing of things that have held me paralyzed.  I don't mean that to say that I have been seeing them in a delusional way that they are not.  I simply mean that I am looking at them differently and often more simply and using them as guideposts in my decision making.  It began with my change in perspective to start applying my own personal boundaries to my choices of how and where I give my time and money and in making my future plans.  That is a healthy way of seeing things, but it is a DIFFERENT way of seeing things than I usually have done, though there have been pockets of my life where I did apply that perspective.

As an offshoot of that perspective, I have also been applying a reality based perspective that tries to see things for how they are, instead of how I wish they were.  If there is no evidence of something, I have stopped believing it is so but instead believe the evidence or lack thereof.  There is peace in that, even if it is an outcome other than I would like; because it means you can channel your energy and thoughts to other things. 

Lately, I have been reading a lot of FB posts of Jodie Foster, who is doing a lot of posts with advice and .. well... change in perspective.  She has been focusing a lot on not trying to make things happen in any certain way but to instead let things happen, as they happen.  There has been echos of this in my social media and blog posts for months, but I am taking a deeper dive into it.  If things happened a certain way or with a certain outcome, that is not something to fight but to accept and learn and grow from it... the good, the bad, or the painful.  I have other people I follow on social media that have been saying similar things.. like letting people do whatever they want to do.  Then, you know what is real. 

These led to (maybe the puppy isn't so drunk after all) me thinking, lately, that I have been looking at things in my life in an incorrect manner.  I have been trying to make my LIFE be one way or another and have often faced resistance or found myself excluded or overlooked or had plans disappear from which I had been a part.  This made me feel like I was being limited, when in fact the absolute opposite was true.  If you find yourself isolated, it means you are liberated.  If you feel you are unconnected, you have little strings.  If you stop focus on the one path that did not work, you will realize that you literally can pick from thousands of others, and the question you SHOULD be spending your time considering if which one of those would make you the most happy, rather than spending your time considering what is no more.

So, I hope this blog helps you find a new perspective if you are feeling stuck.  You might just need to shake things up a bit.  Never forget that YOU have the ultimate power and responsibility to run your life, so run it in a way that will make you happy.