Flying Blind

A quick lunch break blog post.

There was a flight school that I considered decades ago that had a black cat and number 13 on their planes.  Their point was to say that it's not about luck but training, instruments and reason.  

In movies, you'll see astronauts that fly by paying attention to their instruments and trusting their course.  It's like pilots of planes that fly at night.  Neither are flying by sight outside their craft.  They don't need to do so.  They trust what they know and what they know has nothing to do with sight or feelings.  Recently, I've come to appreciate the need to do that more in life.  

It is easy to be led to make rash decisions under the influence of emotions.  While there is a place for adrenaline at times, I have learned that a lot of times we need to just step away for a moment, take a deep breath, and repeat what you know and make decisions on that.  That's not just true to avoid decisions based on fear but on false hope.  Hope is good, but it has to be based on real potential or is just delusional.

So, whatever you are doing or however you are guiding your life, don't do so flying by sight or emotions.  You know what you need to do to get to where you want, given the information given to you.  If that information changes, you can change your plans.  But, absent that, continue forward, trusting your will and your skill to get you where you want to go.

Challenging My Emotional Foundations

I noted this on my social media a few days ago and said I would be blogging about it when I had a little more time and mental capacity to do it right.  However, recently, I have been taking aim at my own perceptions from the past in regards to the role of emotions and seeing things differently than I used to see them.

First of all, I want to lead off by saying that I am not saying there is not a place for emotions and romantic gestures and actions by all involved.  I don't believe that a connection without those things is a romantic relationship and could just be friendship.  I am a roommate with someone and am not in a relationship with her.  We handle day to day things by agreement, have conversations, and help each other out from time to time.  None of that makes it a relationship.  And, in a few months I will be moving out, and it will not be taking an emotional tole.  Romantic relationships must have romance in it by both sides.

HOWEVER, to counter the importance of that and my own prior perceptions regarding the role of feelings, I have been asking some hard questions.  Some people will probably agree with my challenge, while others may agree with my old view that I am challenging.  Nevertheless, here we go.

Is it possible that what I felt was true love was actually signs of psychological needs, instead?  And, the feeling of completeness was simply feeling those needs satisfied and not necessarily something mutual?  When I was feeling the need for closeness, was that a sign of not feeling balanced in myself.  When I was wanting support and comlements, was that the need for validation?  When I was changing to please them, was that my fearing loss?

I can go on, and I don't have any answers to this.  But, I am feeling more and more balanced on my own as a single person, lately, and more able to have a happy life on my own.  As I am doing so, I find I have less of those old needs and that makes me wonder if they were actually healthy in a relationship.  I do know that if I get into one in the future, it will look differently.  I will want time on my own to do things on my own without my partner.  I will not be bending my preference all the time but stating it and doing it if I feel the need.  That would be a true partnership, and I feel that is one I am not sure I have ever had.

So, anyways, I wanted to put this out there for others to consider, as well.

I Love Me

I have had songs in my playlists over the years about loving yourself and reshared many posts on Instagram and Facebook about it over time.  However, I have not had many posts about myself loving myself, so I am going to do that for this one as a reminder and an example, as well.

Loving myself should not be seen as an excuse to say that others should love me for these reasons.  I am not everyone's cup of tea, as they say.  If we are all individually unique and diverse, what would appeal to one will be challenging to another.  Nor should it be seen as a justification for objectively bad behavior.  Part of loving myself includes a very active self analysis that is always trying to improve.  You cannot improve if you are unable or unwilling to challenge yourself and admit where you have flaws to address and opportunities of growth where you made poor choices.  But, after those disclaimers, I will go into the things I DO like about myself.

I love that I am curious.  I am interested in learning, even when it corrects me.  Information and truth is and has been very important to me in my life.  

I love that I have a deep mind.  For some people that can be difficult, and I get that.  I wish at times that I could be more carefree, and I am working on being moreso.  But, that said, I can entertain my mind for hours trying to understand deep concepts and human existence and more.

I love that I am dedicated.  Sometimes, I can be too dedicataed to things that I need to let go and move forward.  That would be a flaw for me to work on.... because sometimes for example, I can find myself trying to make one accounting task work to the exclusion of meeting deadlines for the bigger picture.  But, it also means I can go months in fitness without much change visible, before the changes start to happen and keep going till I reach a goal.

I love that I am creative.  I can't paint in a great way, and I wish I could play music instruments, well.  However, I love to make music playlists.  I love to write, and sometimes I will write something in a different way or on a different topic just to challenge myself and see if it can be done.

I love that I have a caring heart.  I would say that I love that I have a caring heart, even after all the pain.  But, one really does not stop the other.  The pain exists BECAUSE I have a caaring heart, and it is care which heals the wounds, especially care for myself.

I love that I am objective.  As the sherrif says to some rebels in the current season of Silo that I am watching to prepare for the new one, "I am not for you or for him.  I am for the law."  That is close to how I am, only I would say that law in that manner for me is objective truth, and it also explains why I am so often clashing with people of all political parties that have an issue with one observation I make or another one or on issues of religion, education, relationships, identity, and more.  I take great interest in trying to undestand things... see above... and then I use that observation to determine things without consulting a group or seeking their approval, all while being able to change if the information so presents itself to do so.

I love that I love things that feed my soul like sunsets, pictures, books, music, art, beaches, the breeze, beauty, delicious foods, and more.  My life may have many challenges over my decades, but it can never be said that I didn't live.

There are more things that I could say, but I am going to take myself to watch a movie, where I will have a few strong drinks and enjoy myself.  I hope  you have a good evening and weekend.

Feel it All

There is a particular responsibility that comes with letting yourself feel your emotions.  You have to feel it all.  We are not cartoon characters that only display one emotion and one side of their personality.  We have complex emotions and at any given time can and often do feel many things, even those things that can be at contrast.  I say cartoon, but I guess the Inside Out cartoon was multiple feelings at once.  That would be more accurate.

Because the truth is that we are hardly ever just one way, just as our days are not just one way.  There can be good and bad, and both are valid.  I saw a meme online the other day of Dr Who saying that the good of a day does not solve the bad, nor does the bad take away from the good.  That is very true.  I am always a mix of things, and I try my best to keep them compartmentalized, because it is indeed true that if you are always focusing on the bad emotions, you can miss out on so much of the good things that can happen in your life.  However, to focus on the good things without allowing yourself to feel the bad can rob you of necessary healing and growth that needs to be done.  So, I wouldn't expect anyone that I ever met to be "over" the bad things in their past or the challenges of their present.  We all have them, even if we forgive and make peace with those that did them.  All I would expect is what I try to do myself.. turn the page, recognize the past is the past and look to see what the next chapter in our lives might hold.. albeit with the growth that we gain from the prior chapters in understanding others as well as ourselves.

So, if someone were to see me smiling a lot or laughing, it does not mean that there is not a part of me that is also reflecting on the past.  That is impossible, as we will always have things that remind us of people from our past.. a location, a fandom, a show or movie, or even a sport or hobby.  To deny that is to force yourself to come face to face with it.  But, you can make new memories in those things, as well as accept that those good memories of the past are valid and can be accepted as good.. in the past.  You are not tied to a specific emotion, and others are not able to be judged as 2 dimensional either.  There can be good, even in the stories that you no longer read.  And, spending our lives trying to fictionalize that good will only elongate our journey to find truth and joy in the future.

So, I allow myself to feel it all.  I allow myself to accept good and bad, love and strain, loss and rebirth.  I allow myself to accept the good that I felt was good that I felt, even as I use reason to guide my path forward.  Indeed, that is a skill we must develop if we are going to make wise decisions for our future path, apart from hormones and emotions that we will face.

So, this post is simply to challenge you to feel it all, if you are really going to see a true picture of reality. Then.... as you let the emotions flow through you.. let them flow from you and let it go.  Take a breath.  And, look and start stepping forward.  Happiness can happen, again, and holding onto the negative will only blind your ability to see and experience it.  And, I wouldn't wan that loss for anyone, least of all myself. 

Reason vs Delusion

This last December, I got to take a trip to one of my favorite places that I have been, so far in my life.. Tampa Bay.  As part of that, I went to the Dali museum, and they were having a special showing of the life of Van Gogh.  As it progressed talking about it, it was referencing his growing mental illness and his loss of context with reality, until he finally killed himself.  As they were going though all of that, I was over there like.. wait.. what?  He was mentally ill?  Yes, I know he cut off his ear for a woman and that was bad, but he was just very passionate and emotional... right?  Right.. and that's the point.

Passions are a great thing to feel, and I am a very emotional person.  I have followed them into many, many life changes in my life, against reason and often against others speaking the reason.  I thought it was a GOOD quality, and I prided myself on following my passions... even if over and over again they would ultimately lead to pain... which of course they would, being against reason.

Passion and ideals are not supposed to be an alternative for reason.  They can work in concert.  However, when passion and emotions are not in line with situations that can last or are performed in a way and timing that is fitting, you cannot blame reality for them not magically working out.  Indeed, sometimes, pain is a good thing.  It can cause us to learn and to grow and to develop.  It is discontent that leads us to the desire to seek progress and take steps in that direction.  And, all of that is using REASON to guide, not how you are feeling.

People love to quote Socrates, as written down by Plato.  That whole school of Socrates delved into philosophy and ideals like beauty, love, and truth.  They would explore many concepts that are still to this day being discussed in classroom and courtrooms.  However, do you know what the end result of Socrates was?  That is not discussed in public, very often.  Socrates killed himself, believing that was being true to his principles.

So, this post has that point.  Yes, it is good for you to have emotions and ideals and to figure out what you like and want, and you should take definite moves in that direction.  However, you ALSO have to deal with the real life in which you find yourself.  You should not romanticize things that do not exist, nor base your budget upon hopes and dreams.  You base your budgets on work, and you work towards your dreams.  And, if something is not working, you learn and do something else.  THAT is the only way that you will ever reach the happiness that you desire, and it will take a lot of self discipline, telling others no, and patient and persistent choices to finally get you to where you want to be. 

You Are Valid

I wanted to bring together a few, among many, concepts that has been guiding principles in my life of late.  They have helped me keep a peaceful and steady march forward, and I think they are important to keep in mind in the minds of my readers, as well... no matter how your life may face.  They don't require a lot of talk, so this blog post will be rather short.

1.  First and to lead off with the topic of the post subject... you are valid.  Your feelings are valid.  Your personality is valid.  Your thoughts are valid.  Your way of doing things is valid.  Your life experience that led you to this point is also VERY valid... both the good and the bad.  Indeed.. I'll pause mid point here to note there is value in the bad and struggle.  I don't know if you are watching Fallout on TV, but there was a part in the season finale for this season that I won't give too much information about... but a character lost their dark side in a change that stripped them of their bad memories, and the person watching had tears in their eyes, knowing they had just lost the person they knew with the change.  But, to continue the point, You are valid, even if you are flawed.  Indeed, you are valid IN the flaws.  You don't have to be perfect to be worthy.  You are worthy, even as you are growing.  You are valid in your pains, and your pains are valid.  None of that changes any of your worth.  Indeed, it makes you worthy of a caring heart's response.

2.  People can be good and valid and not right for you for a relationship.  It is not right or wrong, good or bad, one or the other.  You don't have to judge someone as a bad person, just because they are not the kind of person that would work with you.  Indeed, if you know what you need and ignore it to get into a connection that ends badly, you are just as much to blame for that.  We all want to follow the heart, but the heart can get you into difficult or impossible situations.  There are many personality tests out there that will give you an idea of what you need to make you happy.  You need to enslave (strong word used for a purpose) your emotions to follow your needs.. either finding someone whose personality naturally works with yours or by agreement on both sides to respect the middle... though I am not sure that the latter actually exists.

3.  You need to stand your ground and make your choices to be happy.  No one else is going to be sacrificing their wants to make that happen for you all the time, and you should not be expecting others to provide it for you.  Your happiness is not their responsibility.  Their happiness is.  Your happiness is YOUR responsibility.  So, that means telling others no or wait or telling others what you want to do, even if it is not convenient for them.  If you do not get in this practice, it is very easy to lose yourself along the way. Get in the habit of saying what you want and doing what you need to be happy.  That doesn't mean that you cannot sacrifice and make choices to make others happy.  You should be doing that, as well.  But, you have to MAKE those moments happen that you enjoy, whether it be going for a photo walk in the cold, taking extra time to listen to music or do a puzzle, go shopping on your own, or... well.. making time to please yourself... ha.  I'm not that innocent minded.  Whatever it is, you have a responsibility to yourself, and you cannot delegate that or blame anyone else for your lack of doing it.

As always, I have more I could say, but that is enough for now.  I hope it helps. 

 

Feel Your Feelings and Then

Feeling your feelings is important.  It is important to value the feelings of others.  Everyone's feelings are valid.  

Life has taught me that life changes. When life changes, we think we have to understand it to respond to it.  The reality is that we can never fully understand our path or why it changes.  That does not mean you shouldn't have feelings.  But, I would caution you against letting the feelings have the driver's wheel.  

Many times... most times in my experience... this is where you have the most power over your life.  There are pressures on you on how to respond. There are not only emotions but societal norms on how to respond.  Well, the last time I've noticed, society is messed up, and hormones often cause more problems than they resolve.

I am someone that defends freedom, but I've also in the past posted on how true freedom is freedom from yourself... from those natural responses that try to write our script.  After a long life, I've determined that script is rubbish.  So, whenever something happens, I try to pause... reflect.. and then respond appropriately to what I desire for the outcome, not necessarily for my emotional response or even in my own self interest, always.

So, when something happens, I would recommend you feel your feelings offline.  Put away your phone.  Process.  Reason. And, then respond.  I think that is a better chart to a happy outcome.

Accounting For Life

For those that don't know, my career outside of food delivery in periods between jobs is accounting.  It's a natural career for me, because it aligns with several qualities that I have, which I think is actually very needed and often lacking in the world, today.  Stick through the first paragraphs to get to the larger application.

People think accounting is about math or numbers.  Those are some expressions of it, sure.  But, I worked one accounting job for oil and gas supply where a whole section of the company accounted for barrels of oil transferred... no money accounted in that process.  Others would handle that.  Accounting was and is about first getting an accurate understanding of what it is you have, got, or sold.  There are no assumptions.. no we thought we had, or we thought it was worth more.  If it is not accurate, it is not accounting.

In order to be accurate, it MUST be seen objectively.  Your job is not to please the management.  In fact, they are counting on YOU to determine when it is not.  Some positions, in fact, are internal auditors whose job it is to catch when lower or middle managers are trying to blow sunshine up the CEOs ass.  You don't make friends that way, but you serve a valuable service.

So, it fits me like a glove, since by nature I am driven to analyze what actually exists by poking holes in assumptions and prejudice in groups around me.

But, some things cannot be analyzed and must be taken on faith, some would say.   Indeed, every dictator or abusive person... whether political figure, cult leader, management figure or abusive spouse would say the same thing.  Pretty much always the loudest voices opposing oversight are the ones with something to hide.  Those who don't often welcome an objective eye or voice.  Every major company gets audited every few years at least, and I think the devil is in fact God's auditor of virtue and does a pretty good job at it.

But, it's also false to say some things cannot be analyzed.  There is a very good one season show on Hulu of a massive supercomputer valled Devs designed to analyze everything... down to things like what did you ear or what did you hear or what was the weather like that led you to conclude in your quantifiable history to decide one thing over another.   And, if you can do that, you can predict the next steps.  This was also a major part of a season of Westworld.  Ultimately, everything... even emotions.. can be identified as the results of other influences.  So, the challenge and opportunity we have from understanding this is to let "our head rule our heart" as they say.  

For the last several months, that's been my guide... choosing what is wise, and know what?  It has led to a less emotionally rocky result with more steady joys, as well.  

So.. give it a shot.  What areas of your life do you KNOW are unwise and need adjustments.  What areas can you improve at it.  If you are not using your brain to guide your life, you cannot blame others for the choices you make without consulting it.

Reason Pt 2

Yes.  I know I already posted today, and I know that I already posted on this subject HERE.  But, it's been developing in my head, and I feel that it is important to post on it, today as well.

In just a few days, I will be moving back to Oklahoma, where I spent ten years before coming to Florida and in total maybe another 11-12 years of my life before that in different locations.  It will be good for me to be back there for many reasons... economic, family, foundation, familiarity, and a good reset turning point for my life away from all the stressors that has controlled much of my choices and life for many years.  But, I didn't get the decision to go back there from following unrealistic visions or feeling the need to "stick it out" to prove something to anyone or myself.  I didn't pray for a sign and follow that, either.  I recall exactly when I made the decision.  It was maybe a month ago or more.  I was sitting on my bed and reflecting on the mess my life has been over the past several years and trying to figure out how it could be different.  And, I thought... why haven't I been using my reason that I use to solve the problems of others to solve my own problems?  Then, I thought about how when I have a problem to solve over the many decades of my life or a work problem or more, I always had just pushed STOP on life, evaluated where I was, evaluated what I wanted, and made adjustments to get there.

I've mentioned in prior posts how I served in Artillery in National Guard and Active Duty and how that can teach us a thing or two about how to approach life.  In artillery or even in shooting any weapon, you fire first.  Then, you observe whether the shot fell like you wanted to do, and you made adjustments so that the next shot would be closer to the goal.  When you fail at something in a way or a few ways or a lot of ways, you can feel overwhelmed and like a failrue, UNLESS you learn to see life like this.  When you fail, you should push STOP, evaluate how your attempts and environment is progressing towards what you want, and then you LEARN from it and try again.

As I reflected on the past years and especially on the year immediately prior to this, I find that I was struggling and spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere towards what I desired.  In fact, I was going backwards.  I came out to be near to my child, and the change of events and the growth of the child made that less of a priority, leaving me to question my location.  My health events that found me having to fend for myself without family nearby only REINFORCED my feeling already that I missed family that was back in Oklahoma that I never got to see.  My reason evaluated the costs vs income of living in Oklahoma vs living in Florida, and there was really no comparison at that point.  Florida's costs have kept me working harder than I have ever had to work for a lower living standard than I could have back out in the midwest.  My texts to my child could be done equally from here or there, so there was really nothing holding me here at that point.

I also noted in a social media post several weeks ago about an old animated movie I saw as a kid.  I think it was called Black Cauldron.  In it, the man was fighting an evil wizard with spells, and he countered them with logic and fact and education.  I was not saying anything about the use of magic or spells.. sometimes they can be useful.  However, IN THE END, spells and wishes all bow to WHAT IS and WHAT NATURE dictates.  You can try to influence that, but nature ultimately wears the crown.  Logic, math, truth... these are the real powers that even the Dieties observe in their Scriptures and to whom they all must bow.  If you don't want your car to break down... don't cross your fingers and chant happy happy thoughts.  Go get it fixed and maintained.  Then, you'll have the faith to drive it without fear.

I looked at my life, and I said... what do I want?  I knew that I didn't want to keep struggling on the edge of bankruptcy and homelessness and need more money, so I began looking for a higher paying job, which I will continue to do till it happens.  A great potential surfaced this week, but we will see.  I knew I wanted to be able to send my child gifts from that money, and living in a cheaper place makes that more likely.  I knew that I wanted family nearby, so moving back was a good idea.  I didn't HAVE to waver over what to do.  When I began to analyze what I desired, the rest wrote itself.  I do also want romance, but that romance will be best enabled when I have established the rest, so I'm not thinking about it, til later.

So, I just wanted to cover this topic again, partially to remind myself and partially to help others.  If you have a problem or problems in your life, your BRAIN will be more capable to solve those problems with reason than your emotions that waver or dreams that disappear or change.  So, take the time to just push pause, look at things, and see where that leads you.  It will probably be a more happy path.