You Are Valid

I wanted to bring together a few, among many, concepts that has been guiding principles in my life of late.  They have helped me keep a peaceful and steady march forward, and I think they are important to keep in mind in the minds of my readers, as well... no matter how your life may face.  They don't require a lot of talk, so this blog post will be rather short.

1.  First and to lead off with the topic of the post subject... you are valid.  Your feelings are valid.  Your personality is valid.  Your thoughts are valid.  Your way of doing things is valid.  Your life experience that led you to this point is also VERY valid... both the good and the bad.  Indeed.. I'll pause mid point here to note there is value in the bad and struggle.  I don't know if you are watching Fallout on TV, but there was a part in the season finale for this season that I won't give too much information about... but a character lost their dark side in a change that stripped them of their bad memories, and the person watching had tears in their eyes, knowing they had just lost the person they knew with the change.  But, to continue the point, You are valid, even if you are flawed.  Indeed, you are valid IN the flaws.  You don't have to be perfect to be worthy.  You are worthy, even as you are growing.  You are valid in your pains, and your pains are valid.  None of that changes any of your worth.  Indeed, it makes you worthy of a caring heart's response.

2.  People can be good and valid and not right for you for a relationship.  It is not right or wrong, good or bad, one or the other.  You don't have to judge someone as a bad person, just because they are not the kind of person that would work with you.  Indeed, if you know what you need and ignore it to get into a connection that ends badly, you are just as much to blame for that.  We all want to follow the heart, but the heart can get you into difficult or impossible situations.  There are many personality tests out there that will give you an idea of what you need to make you happy.  You need to enslave (strong word used for a purpose) your emotions to follow your needs.. either finding someone whose personality naturally works with yours or by agreement on both sides to respect the middle... though I am not sure that the latter actually exists.

3.  You need to stand your ground and make your choices to be happy.  No one else is going to be sacrificing their wants to make that happen for you all the time, and you should not be expecting others to provide it for you.  Your happiness is not their responsibility.  Their happiness is.  Your happiness is YOUR responsibility.  So, that means telling others no or wait or telling others what you want to do, even if it is not convenient for them.  If you do not get in this practice, it is very easy to lose yourself along the way. Get in the habit of saying what you want and doing what you need to be happy.  That doesn't mean that you cannot sacrifice and make choices to make others happy.  You should be doing that, as well.  But, you have to MAKE those moments happen that you enjoy, whether it be going for a photo walk in the cold, taking extra time to listen to music or do a puzzle, go shopping on your own, or... well.. making time to please yourself... ha.  I'm not that innocent minded.  Whatever it is, you have a responsibility to yourself, and you cannot delegate that or blame anyone else for your lack of doing it.

As always, I have more I could say, but that is enough for now.  I hope it helps. 

 

Know Thyself, Love Thyself

One thing I've been learning for years is how important it is to know yourself.  It is important for several reasons, not the least of which is that you need to understand yourself in order to love yourself.  But, it is also important in things like career goals, seeking and operating in relationships, and more.  There are several ways of understanding yourself, and I will discuss a few with myself as an example.  However, one way that you do NOT understand yourself is feeling you should be like someone else.  Your journey is your journey.  You were made a miracle, whether that be from God or from just the process of living on the planet.  There was a line in the book that I was reading last night that comes to mind.  In Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett, dead but not dead character Poons is trying to understand how cities would develop things to protect themselves, like every animal that develops poisons or spike or other things.  In the book, it says, "Here and now, that's probably me.  Spikey old Windle Poons."  We can become a defense of others by way of our empathy, our history, our convictions, or more.

The first way to know thyself, I touched on in the last blog.  What makes you happy?  Determine what it is that makes you feel joy or peace or love or more.  Often times, this is a process of experimentation.  Don't be scared to take chances to learn about yourself.  Don't be afraid of failure in that process.  It is a much happier path to try something and fail and have the memories of trying than to not try at all.  And, it is important to give others the grace and room to try and fail, as well.  I don't necessarily mean trying people in relationships but allow them to try and change in becoming themselves.  A good analogy is a woman standing at the closet saying... this outfit?  No.. this one?  Ok.   It doesn't change who they are as a person, nor does allowing them to change jobs, ideas, music styles and more.

There are certain personality tests that I would recommend that you try to understand yourself and what you need  When you do determine that, don't ignore it.  Don't say... well... I know I need this and I'm not getting it, but I will just push that down and ignore it.  Trust me, it doesn't stay buried for long.  As an example, I am an INFJ writer.  I needed to add that writer part, because it has been important to me all my life.  Like many of the great writers and poets over history, I express my feelings in words.  I loved the series Dickinson on Apple TV about Emily Dickinson.  She was not well acknowledged in her day, but her reflections on life and love and more would become very important to so many, afterwards.   From my earliest days, I've been a writer, whether it be the school and college newspaper, newsletters I would write and print and distribute on my own, books I have written, and several blogs over time, including this one that is currently influencing over 2k per week.  It is because I need to be communicating my thoughts and feelings in order to develop them.  If I cannot communicate them with someone, it stunts my mental or emotional growth.  Though, I have learned to put curbs on what I say and to whom I say things to protect others in that process.

An INFJ is very rare.. about 1 percent of the population fits into this box.  Rare is not bad.  A diamond is rare.. and valuable.  An INFJ is introverted.  While I need to express out loud, I prefer small setting where I feel secure when I am out and about... also a common quality of writers.  We like to observe and reflect on the world and then write down what we observe is true, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  We are intuitive.    We have developed a sense of how someone can be, based on our experiences.  So, it usually doesn't take long to get a sense of how someone is.  However, there are exceptions to the rule, and it is important to take time to challenge your perceptions, as well. You may not know their whole story, and it can take time to get that understanding.  Someone that is homeless may be bitter upon meeting them.  But, if you get to know their story, it can lend to deeper meaning and new ways to love them.  An INFJ is feeling.  Yes.. 100 percent.  I interpret everything from the perspective of the heart.  Details are less important to me than meaning.  Accuracy is less important than attempts.  In fact, part of my intuitive analysis of someone is very often sizing up how much they care.  If someone is seen to care a lot, they are VERY attractive to me.  However, someone of a different personality type would not necessarily feel the same about it.  I am reminded of a scene in one of the Spiderman incarnations where the girl says, "Don't make promises that you can't keep, Peter."  He replied, "But, those are the best kind."  I've often identified a lot with the Spiderman character.  With great power comes great responsibility is very true.  Finally, an INFJ is judging, though I have got INFP at times for perceiving, as well.  Judging does not mean finding fault in others in this structure.  It means it is important for me to have thought things out, planned things out, and have some type of feeling of stability and direction for my day.  It does not mean that I cannot change things, but a day without a plan is chaos to me.  We also tend to be idealistic, deep thinking, compassionate, and driven by a vision.  However, we also reflect on the past and struggle with doubt, loss, and more, as well.

So, knowing these things about myself, it helps me to love those qualities in myself, even when others do not.  It also helps me to understand what type of person I would be needing in a relationship, as they would need to appreciate or make space for those qualities in msyelf, too.  I forget the source, but there is a quote that says something like if a fish spends its life trying to compare itself to a tree, it will spend its whole like feeling like a failure ... or something like that.  You are good, as you have been made.  It is a gift to the world that you are like you are.  So this week, spend time leaning about yourself and loving yourself for being yourself.  You are worth it.