Hot or Not

I’m going to break from my only non romantic happiness theme, as I have been reconsidering romance as a future reality, lately again.  I think it is a human need… whether or not that is marriage or long term.  I had a dream days ago where I was close to a faceless woman.. emotionally.. and it reminded me how nice that is.

There used to be an app called Hot or Not… Tinder pretty much replaced that as that’s pretty much all that app is about.. physical.  It is superficial and controlling, but the name fits with what I wanted to talk about.

I spent years in both of my marriages over my life trying yo get my wife to show romantic interest in me.  I’m sure it had a lot to do with who I chose.. usually those that liked it when I showed them attention.  In the end, that would be the sum of the relationship for them, and when I pulled my level of emotional display back to theirs, it was the end of their interest, because that was all it had to it.  Not ironically, my 2nd was and is a Instagram influencer, so craving likes is kinda her thing.  But, it’s not enough to sustain a relationship.  Yet, in those marriages, I assumed that they cared, till it was obvious that they didn’t.

I saw a meme this morning that said you deserve to have someone that can’t wait to get to know you and fall in love with you and to stop settling for those that are less.  Indeed, there was a marriage book I read a long time ago that said to go into marriage with eyes wide open to make sure it’s true but then half closed after to not find fault in your marriage.  Probably not completely half closed, but you get the point.  

You must make sure to understand that it is that it is, and it isn’t that it isn’t.  Magic isn’t when you create something, it’s when it happens on its own.  Creating is manipulation, and I’d rather have someone real than someone at the end of puppet strings.  It’s why I am quick to show myself as I am, so I don’t attract someone after an illusion.

So.. every day we must take the courage to ask if this option or that one is HOT for us or not.  Similarly, as the question of how we feel for them.  Wait .. as I will.. til it’s hot on both sides and we are their dream and not their cushion.  To do otherwise will just lead to more problems, later.  I know from experience.

Unfortunate Lives

The other day I made the comment on my social media that it is astonishing to me that in two years we have come from a point when even the rich was begging for government aid to stay afloat and everyone chanting that all we need is love and such to a point where those that don't own a house or have a huge savings are considered lazy and losers, once again.... in just two short years.  I, actually, have a lot more background and thoughts that can go into this, so I am doing a post about it.

In Oklahoma where I grew up, there isn't a lot of opportunity.. for ANYONE for jobs and such.  It is pretty much an unremarkable rural state, because you could see that same type of community in a couple dozen other states, nationwide.  People grew up in simple lives.  We didn't know we were poor by national standards, because.. it was that it was.  That's what we knew when we grew up.  It was just... life.  It would be years before I would be introduced to faster paced society where people were fixated on how many THINGS you had over how good of a person you were.  Did you know that the lowest class in this country is richer than many of the richer classes in a HUGE number of other countries in the world?  They have access to better healthcare, food supplies, and residences than people around the world will spend their whole life never knowing.  It's like those on mount Olympus arguing about who is less than others, while civilization crumbles below.

Three is this belief among those that live among those that have money.  I know that even I was conned into believing it along the way.  It is this belief that those that HAVE are good.... they worked hard and are "blessed" by God with their lives.  I would learn and grow far from that initial thinking and to this day will cringe at hearing someone say they are "blessed" with a good life.  Of course, the opposite that is believed is that if you are struggling, then something is wrong with you... you are lazy, sinful, etc.  Ironically, Jesus himself rebuked this kind of thinking on several times, but it's not like the followers actually listen to everything he says... especially if he says to give it AWAY to those that didn't deserve the "blessings."

I'm poor... I'm pulling myself back up, as I have had to do several times over my life, but by all statistical measures I am poor.  I have had to rely on credit much more than I would have liked to do.... this year my reliance on credit was directly tied to seeking a higher paying JOB of all things.... a job that has netted LESS than other jobs, after you consider the related credit and commuting costs and benefits.  Yet, I have not only worked hard at that job but others sources of income along the way, as needs rose to meet the income.  In prior periods of my life, I didn't earn as much money, but I still worked hard.  I have been employed since I was like 10 at one thing or another.  I worked as a kid bailing hay, picking ocra, sweeping the floors at the school, and helping my dad in his construction business.  I even worked the counter, when he tried to open a hardware store for a bit.  I would join the National Guard at 17 and go to basic between my junior and senior year of high school. I would work at movie theaters, fast food places, and more during my first couple years in college and beyond after college.  Later, I would work in Active Army, as well.  The only time that I was not employed or earning money was when I took 7 years to homeschool an ADHD child that the school thanked me for taking, as she was challenging to them with all her questions and were isolating her from other students.  For anyone that has ADHD children, they could guess that period was definitely also work, especially as I was also taking care of all the household duties and giving me an appreciation for stay at home moms.  During that time, I would also work to finish my education, while bouncing an infant, after my ex had a post partum psychotic break.  I would get a job and work at one thing or another till now..often working two sources of income at least.

But.. I'm poor... so I'm lazy or sinful.  Does it matter that Jesus was likewise poor in His life... no. He most have been lazy or sinful, too… since he wasn’t “blessed,” as the perception goes.  One wonders why the church gives to the poor at all, till you learn like I did the prosperity gospel.  I would learn it well… from Kenneth Copeland, Kenneth Hagin, and Pat Robertson, him self.  No.. if you tithe and chant these things than God would be required to give you what you desire…. And the church has the gall to condemn witches, when at least witches know their rituals have consequences and aren’t trying to blackmail a diety.

I know I stamped on the feet of a few icons and my criticism will fall on a lot of other religious feet, but maybe that’s a good thing.  Maybe.. just maybe.. we need to stop judging (which Jesus condemned) the poor and needy and actually do something to HELP them, even if it makes us less “blessed” to do so.  We are a nation where the majority live unfortunate lives, but it doesn’t have to be so bad, if we could learn to love our neighbors, as the Christian founder told us to do.

Look For Happy Moments

The other day, I saw a post on FB that was talking about how so much of our lives are driven by our reactions to negative things that happen in our days but that science shows we also have positive reactions to things that happen, too.  The more we look for and focus on those positive things, the happier our days will be. 

Indeed.  It’s easy to get caught up in what we lack and miss the happy moments we can have in what we have. I spent several hours last night watching an old show I used to watch… NCIS but this isn’t about that.  As I was watching it, I was thinking of the person I was when I was watching it… and other shows like it.  For much of that time, I was in marriages that were one sided and would end badly.  But… in MY mind the issue of finding my mate was over, and my mind was free to just be happy with OTHER things.  Indeed, in those years I HAD to find happiness in other things, as I was not finding much of it in the relationship.  It was similar to growing up in a poor situation with a critical dad and being a geeky overweight kid that got bullied.  I HAD to find happiness in other things and so I did.

I’ve been noting on here how a relationship does not equal finding happiness, as every one of those comes with problems and that you can be happy single.  But, I didn’t go on to HOW to be happy.  Its not always going to be the same for everyone.  You have to think about what makes you happy and start noticing things you like doing.  Then… do more of those things.  Or, maybe it’s not being HAPPY but simply being at peace… calm, mentally or emotionally stimulated, overcoming challenges, etc.  

In the years after my last divorce, there were days when I felt defeated or down, and I would go out and deliver some deliveries and meet a financial goal I set for myself.  And I felt.. happy with MYSELF for doing it.  Recently, I lost weight, and I felt HAPPY about that.  Indeed, I get happy when I create the perfectly reflective playlist or solve some mental problem or create a budget plan that gets me where I want to go.  It doesn’t take someone else in my life to feel it, though it’s always nice to have someone with whom you can share it.

We don’t have to reach a destination or accomplish a goal to be happy, though.  We can keep our focus and expectation on the happy accidents, fun moments, or even the steady, patient drum of a life that is deep and calm enough to just be at peace with the universe and your part in it… something I want more to have in my own life.  So, look for and enjoy your happy moments today and let the challenges come and go with little hold on your emotions or who you will be in this day and going forward.

Hope

I was recently challenged on my hope level, and my first reaction.. true reaction in myself.. was to say I’m good on hope. After all, I’ve been focusing on being happy within yourself and not seeking another as the source of it. After I said that of course, I looked at the words and analyzed (I ALWAYS am critical of my own words and positions) and thought.. happiness isn’t what she asked about, though. And, I put a pin in it and came back to reflect from time to time as I do. It’s been… educational.

First of all, hope isn’t happiness. Indeed… one of the things about hope that I noted in the past is that hope cannot exist without despair or the reverse. You need hope to feel lack.. and lack to want hope. Some philosophies put there (religions in the mind of some) would teach you to consider it all lost already.. then, you don’t feel sorrow from the absence. In a way, that’s a shortcut to happiness and one I’ve been comfortably using, lately.

I don’t know exactly when it creeped in, but it was somewhere along the path of the eye issues and especially as they proved quite fatal to my financial stability for a while. There was LITERALLY no way in the math for my budget to survive without having to close accounts abs have those permanent marks on credit and more. I drew solace from the fact that my immediate bills would be covered, and it did provide a GOOD understanding of what is really important. So, what will happen will happen, and I will save up a savings after to prevent a future crisis from ever happening. And, I can find PEACE and happiness in that knowledge. But, it is also a sorta surrender.

Then, that bled over into my social life. I was restricted from having one… basically.. except online. So, I focused on being happy within oneself and with your friends. Again… GOOD lessons and a good thing to understand. But, again, I was surrendering the idea of more. I’m just now close to being able to be social and yes… my debts and income and etc will impact my social life and definitely acceptability for things like romantic options. And… honestly it’s a good thing to be ok being single and with that life… but… if I get to comfortable with it or for that matter all this, I will not improve.

Oscar Wilde said, “ Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation.” And, discontent isn’t a happy state. We can all improve, and that improvement requires us to first be a little … unhappy.. with our current state. So, we can rise up and change things. As usual my current playlist was already heading down this way of thinking over this week, and I’ll leave a link to it, here. It will take time. It will take courage. It will take discontent with our current state, even if we can be happy in the hope and progress. It will take stepping out of our comfort zone. It will take loving ourselves enough to stand on our own at times. And, it will take hope that we can… and will .. rise.

Relationships and Happiness

 I deleted my “relationships detox” post.  I think it still contains many truths, and it is important to create your own happiness.  We shouldn’t expect a relationship to solve all our problems or make us happy.  Instead, we should BRING happiness into all our relationships, and that includes much more than romantic ones.  

Someone told me months ago that “a friendship is a relationship” .. I needed to hear that then and still important to remember, today.  Indeed, the only thing in my mind that makes a relationship WORK is if there is a friendship there, as well.  And, should I live my life without a romantic one but giving and receiving friendship love my whole life, I would be the most blessed and happy version of my life, rather than walking around bitter that it’s not happening to me.  

I don’t want to cloud up that point, so I’ll just end it here with that.  Be happy.. then make other happy.  Don’t worry about whether you’re single or not.