Saturday, March 30, 2024

The Completely Unauthorized Divine Love Letter to the LGBTQ

 I thought about doing this as a book, but I think a post will suffice.

In recent months, there has been a lot of love directed at trans people, and when one died after being bullied at school, there was a rather LOUD silence from the religious community, which makes sense... they are, after all, mostly committed to a religious body more than a loving God.  It's not like they DID it after all... they just didn't object when it was done... or when a religious group showed up to spew hate in the name of their "loving" God.  It's like when the Nazi's said they didn't actually participate in burning jews.. they just kept the trains running on time.  One phrase that I recall that we used to learn typing when I was growing up was "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing."  And, the church has a long history of watching as evil was carried out in front of them, from the killing of Christ to the killing of witches.

But... that's religion.  Recently, I changed my dating profiles to say that I have faith in God, not religion.  There has definitely been some testing to the first part, but I have had no reason to regain trust in the second part.  

I wanted to write a note towards the LGBTQ community, which I have some connection with trans family members and have written lesbian books in the past.  When I studied faith, I was taught that the sum of the law is love, and many seem to have forgotten that, even if I have not.  I don't want to base it on Scripture, as Scripture is... to be historically accurate... written by those with a religious direction purpose.  Also, there is more original text proof of Socrates than there is of Christ, as there remains no original text from the lifetime of the person said to write it, and theology schools teach ministers across the country that what we have is a "majority text" which means most of the copies contained this or that with some additions from non majority texts.  So, we don't in actuality know what was said.  Even the gospel of John says most of what Jesus said was unrecorded.  So, the next time that someone is thumping a KJV Bible written by a King that wrote a bible to allow him to get divorced, remind them it's all about love.

You are not wrong to want to love others or to want them to love you.  Those that hate you are not speaking from God, and trust a few years, you'll never see them, again.  Also, those that hate you will continue finding someone or something to hate, so they will never be free from their curse, so pity them.  There was a Christian book written some years ago that I liked called The Dream Giver.  It focuses on how there are echoes of universal truth in books and stories through the world... not just the Bible.  So, I want you to consider this.  If you see a universal theme in stories of people fighting to be free to be themselves against those that demand you be a copy to validate them.. consider that it is just a reflection of the will of God, and you are not alone.

Believe in yourself.  Love yourself.  Go forward.  When you are in the middle of the valley of evil, why would you stop?  Forward.

Sunday, March 24, 2024

The Challenge of Unknowing and Adventure

 Not entirely sure that subject line is the best one, but it will work.  I'm taking the day off, and I finished up watching Devs and wanted to do a post pulling together many things over several weeks that I have been learning from experience and exposure.  I am someone that in general likes to expose myself to different ways of thinking and is one reason I have friends from across the spectrum, other than that they are awesome people.  And, particularly when I feel stuck, I like to do so to try to move forward in my thinking.  Sometimes, the solution lays outside your particular way of thinking or knowledge base.  Anyway... to begin.

I posted a meme on my social media some weeks ago of two people riding a bus.  One is looking out one side of the bus and seeing rocks and dark and feeling anxious and depressed.  The other is looking out the other side of the bus and seeing sunshine and bright colors and feeling happy and optimistic.  When I shared it, I added the words "Anything can happen vs anything can happen."

On a personal level, I am at a point of change in my life.  I've known it, and it is a part of the reason I have felt stuck.  So much of our lives are defined by our interactions with others and based in past environments and choices.  That's part of what the deterministic portion of Devs was so important, as I posted about in the Tramlines post.  We think we are living a life of pure choice and freedom, but that life is often led by forces beyond us... things that go into influencing why we choose one path over another, one person over another, even what meal we want based on how long ago we had it and such.  I won't go to the degree of Devs to use that as an excuse for behavior.  Some do.  I've had multiple people do me wrong and use their conditions as an excuse... their past experiences, their poverty level, their mental challenges, etc.  And, there is some truth to that, but it doesn't necessarily define your choices.  

Without going into much detail, I grew up poor, but it didn't make me angry or greedy.  I grew up without much warmth in my life, but I became a warm and sensitive person.  What led us to a point is not necessarily a firm rule of how we live.  That is still within our power, and it is a reason why those that do us wrong deserve the blame.  Recently, I saw a post... and I don't even remember all the words of it.. but it went something like, don't you miss when someone would come up and put their arms around you and say they love you or use a pet name for you or such.  I thought long and hard, because I didn't want to overstate it, but I finally concluded that I had never had that experience.  Those from my romantic past didn't display affection to me without my doing it, first... and even then was muted and limited.  That's... a cause... that is an influence in the failure of those relationships, and when they walk away or do things against me, that is a choice on their part.  None of it is a reason for me to feel bad about myself and to do so robs them of their guilt.  I... wasn't loved, at least not romantically.  That's the facts, as I close that chapter on my life.... another needed thing I got from Devs.

We tend to stand on hope in our life choices.. hope based on nothing and leading to nothing.  Then, when the nothing fails, we feel we are a victim that those that didn't show love didn't do it or walked away from it.  They were just doing what they always did.  The problem was that I was not basing my decisions upon objective data.. what they were showing me.  The fault in that case... was mine.  I was living a life based upon false assumptions and distorted history, and even the good times in my life was not necessarily felt or meant in the same way as I took them, nor my gestures given received in the same way that I assumed.  So, the first step in closing doors and turning to a new path is to recognize the failure of a path or a choice and is a necessary step to beginning anew.  If Thomas Edison didn't acknowledge what didn't work, he never would have found a compound that worked much better for the light bulb.  We have to be willing to leave a false sense of security and step into the scary unknown.

And, it is scary, even if you know it is right.  I am leaving towards the end of the year to be near family.  I know not what my job will be, where exactly I will live, what I will do, and more.  I have some hints, because I lived in the area in the past, but it is unknown.  So, there is the temptation not to do it... to stay where I have been living with the false comfort of.. this way works.... but... does it?  Did it?  The fact that I live alone and go to places alone and had little support in a medical situation all indicates it doesn't.  Further, I haven't seen my mom or sister in many years.  I don't have the money to go see them for a flight or lost work to be able to do it.  I am doing an amazing job making money with deliveries, but it is to pay amazingly high living costs... keeping me poor.  I have no one that I text daily or see daily.  I had one that I thought would fill that role and was talking to me for a while, but it turned out that I imagined them feeling as strong of a friend connection as I felt.  I am taking more time to let other define themselves, nowadays.  One lesson I have learned from driving is that if you go the speed limit or barely over it, the hotheads and self absorbed will generally pass you, leaving you in peace.  That's a principle for more than traffic.

So, we step from the known into the unknown and scary future, and it feels like you are losing yourself in the process.  But, that's not true.  You are the same person from failed relationships that were not appreciated.  You are the same one that worked hard in jobs that didn't fit you.  You are the same one that did things for your children, before they grew up.  You have only matured and become MORE than you were, and you take that into the new world you will be making.  The best way to predict your future is to make it, the saying goes.  Many things you won't know until you get to the point of decision with more information than you have, now.  But, you bring YOU to the moment, and the best that any of us can do is to trust ourselves and love ourselves enough to wait to make that decision, then.  The best that we can do for all of our future is to start by identifying what's true in our heart's desires and look for what works for that.  And, that's my journey ahead.

Tuesday, March 19, 2024

Letting Go

The 2nd post inspired by my watching Devs, again, is the most difficult for me to write or enact.  Indeed, I went out and drove the afternoon on my day off, rather than write it.  But, I did reflect on it.  It's about letting go of things.  I particularly have a problem doing that.  I'm not talking about letting go of the pain of being hurt in the past, but that is a challenge too.  But, it's much bigger than that in many different ways.

For example, my child is almost an adult.  Yes, there is the reality that my ex has in essence kidnapped her by violating our custody agreement.  But, my child will be 18 this summer and can do whatever she want at that time.  But, that will be college and living an adult life on their own.  Yes... I will be checking in and answering any questions that they have.  But, the days of scrapbook picture events and seeing them grow has passed.  That chapter of the book is closing, no matter how much I try to keep it going.  It passed with the older child, and it is passing with the younger one.  So, I have to ... let go.. of my child being that young child of my memories and filling that role in my life.

I also have to let go of my desire to recreate the image of family and romance that I once wanted and thought I had.  Time has passed, and age has crept up on me.  As such, even if I do find romance, again, it will not be the kind of children and family structure that I envisioned.  The person that I find will have their own children, likely, and it won't be the creating of children but the sharing of children with each other as adults or no children at all.  In a way, it will be a cleaner form of romance, because it will just be two people living life together, but it is different than it was in youth, even in that.  So, I have to let go of how I expect it to look.  It won't look like the past, and hopefully neither of us is trying to make the other a replacement for their ex but to see it as a new adventure.  Adventures are usually not very defined at the start.

I also need to let go of the expectation of perfection.  In Devs, the man leading the team has a perfectionist attitude.  It either works exactly to his expectation, or it doesn't work at all.  In one episode, one member of the team fixes the formula and makes it work crystal clear.  However, it is not the specific and expected end result the leader wanted, so he fires the one that fixed it.  Picking up the last point and extending, we can't have a picture in our head of how things will look and be paralyzed by the end result looking different.  Further, we cannot expect others or ourselves to be perfect to each other.  Now, if it is a long pattern of failure, that is something to address.  But, whether it be a relationship or the search for a new job or career or more... you are human.   Others are human.  Cut everyone a break and allow room to adjust to new realities.  It is too much to expect anyone to move quickly to major changes with perfection.  So, let go of perfect, and make a few mistakes to learn along the way.

That's all I wanted to say for this post.  The last was about recognizing that everyone comes from something as a cause and effect and using that to make wise choices for your path to achieve the results that you want. So, this one adds to it by saying as you make those choices and are faced with unintended life changes, let go of the old path and perfection for the new one.  If you stay focused on what you want to see, you will be like Harry Potter staring into the mirror that shows his desire and miss out on making the changes and choices that you need to do to adjust to the life that you DO have in front of you.  If you would be happy for longer than a moment's memory, those dark times of change and stretches for growth will be necessary if you want to get there.


 Taking my first full day off in a while.  As part of it, I am re-watching Devs on Hulu.  I just felt that it was the right time to rewatch it and let it help me process certain things.  It is already having that effect, and I have only watched 3 episodes.    There are two things developing in my mind as application, but one is not done yet.  I'll get to that one.  However, this distinct and separate one is able to be blogged, so I will do that one, now.  I may be blogging again later.

In the first episode, the leader of the Devs project says something to another, and I wanted to quote it here...

"The universe is deterministic. It's godless and neutral and defined only by physical laws. The marble rolls because it was pushed. The man eats because he's hungry. An effect is always the result of a prior cause. The life we lead with all its apparent chaos is actually, a life on tramlines, prescribed, un-deviated, deterministic... . We fall into an illusion of free will because the tramlines are invisible and we feel so certain about our subjective state, Our feelings, our opinions, judgments, decisions."

Now, there is room for disagreement, and the show is dealing with that, as well.  However, there is a comforting truth to this as applied to misfortune.  I know it doesn't seem comforting, but it is in a way.  Tramlines are reality influencing and unseen forces that bring about what we see... chains of events of cause and effect.  Here are some applications to my own life, for example.

- My ex that kidnapped my child away from their father DOES have a mental disorder.  She was in a mental hospital for it back when we were still married, and she had other breakdowns related to it over the years, leading to other periods of time of being in a mental facility.  Her condition does lead to periods of feeling self importance, paranoia, "ultra religious" as I recall a text saying about her condition, and the inability to admit wrong.  People in her condition have delusions about the state of their reality, and they have a hard time working with others.  They have an absolute truth mentality that dominates others and is used to justify themselves.  So... that would seem to naturally lead to the outcome that happened.

- My 2nd ex had a past as a child that would emotionally and mentally scar anyone for being able to receive or give love.  I have noted in the past that I sympathize with her, but while I do sympathize a relationship must have the exchange of care and attention to function.  After years of being together, that past just became an excuse not to try, while only compounds the situation.  So... that would also lead to her conclusions and resulting quitting of us, as well.

- My ex friend that I got strongly connected to over last year's Spring and Summer and then ended everything and went on to the next person is life long single.  She has not been in a relationship for longer than a year, she said.  She is a veteran that has seen serious and bad things and has dealt with PTSD as a result.  She has moved around a lot and abandoned a lot over her years, and she in fact told me on more than one occasion that she would drop me too if it didn't work for her.  So... cause... effect.

- I have struggled with finances for years, but all can be tied to a direct cause.  When I was still with my ex, I left a good job to take care of her and the house, when her back was hurt.  I made as much as I could, but medical costs ended up making me sell my vehicle.  When I got down to Florida, after we ended, I got a car but was during the pandemic when much was closed and money was tight.   I would not quality for the Biden stimulus that went to EIC receiving families, and I had to inch my way up and had things like auto repairs or paycheck gaps to deal with.  Plus, the costs of everything in Florida skyrocketed, and I now spend almost half of my money just on rent.  Then, when you consider car payments and a Florida high car insurance, it would leave little for anyone.  Causes... effect.

-  I did have some employers take advantage of my work ethic over the years, and I always found myself working more than one position.  IBM replaced me with 4 people.  When I took my most recent job, I explained this, and they told me that it would not happen there... which was a lie.  I ended up only working about a week in my assigned job, only.  The rest of the time, I was working at least 2 positions, wherever they needed me.  When I left those positions that took advantage of me, it left a spotty work history, which limits new employment options.

- Finally, as I noted in a few social media posts, I have a history and mentality that make it hard for a relationship to happen with certain individuals.  I have issues with organized religion, due to my experience with some of them and my own analysis of their past and structures that allow for human greed and lust for control to take root.  So, even though I believe in God and have a Bible degree, it usually makes a relationship with a religious person impossible, as they feel the need to fix me or judge me for not validating their ... "God will provide" . mentality that has not been my reality.  I'm also not your typical alpha male, and most are seeking exactly that.  All these are causes to the effects of finding new romance very difficult.  It's not impossible, but it is difficult.  Also, I am moving to the midwest this Summer or Fall, and so it is not really possible to date til I get set up there.

I say all of this to say this.  Sometimes, it's not the devil at your door striking you but you fighting your own shadow, as the song in my new playlist says... the shadow being fear.  But, if you realize that your life is progressing not as an attack but as a result of conditions, maybe you can take a hand in fixing those situations, such as my move back closer to family.  How can you correct your situations?

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Surreal Real

 Over my many years, I have written many different blogs and books.  One of them, I recall, was called surreal real.  One of my primary driving things that has been consistent in all of my life has been the.. well.. absolute value .. to use a math term for a non math thing.. of being real.  Good, bad, left, right... whatever.  If it is real to you, it is valuable to me.  The blog was focused a lot on that, as I recall.  I would rather know someone that passionately disagreed with me than someone that agreed only because it was popular.  Trends do not grow me, but someone that passionately disagrees with me is... interesting.  Something is driving that passion, and that makes it worthwhile.

Why?  Because, I've lived the fictions.  I have seen and experienced and learned alot of the patterns of life that, despite the conviction that they are unique by those that do them, are centuries or millenia old and worn truths that often have to be lived rather than be learned by words.  I think we are in the middle of several of those, right now, in fact that I thing will end poorly but saying so will not change anything.  

Indeed... as I have aged, I have learned like most that age that very little changes.  It's funny.  When you are young, you are so offended and set afire by the wrongs that you see in society.  Then, later, you might end up taking an opposite position and being offended in another direction.  However, as you grow you eventually realize that they are the same debates and the same offensive feelings and convictions that have existed for thousands of years.  It's not important than it is happening, so much as important that we still have enough sense to say... what the actual fck, though it does seem that less and less of the younger generations have that sense.

"To thine own self be true," says a character to his son in Shakespeare's Hamlet in his final barrage of wisdom, before his son goes away.  It is good advice.  My life has seen so many changes, but the end is that we often end up back where we began...with ourselves as our final company even if you do everything right.  In my life, I have given up houses for weddings, moved across country for children or given up my money and time to shuttle people around to their needs or spend overtime hours for employers.  Yet, after all that time, I find myself... back with me as my company.  So, if there is anyone that deserves your loyalty, it is yourself.  When all is said and done, it is to yourself that you will answer above all else.

So, live your life, but live it for what you value to be important... including other people that you deem to be important but with the understanding that eventually they, too, will often leave.  Don't miss out on experiencing life, while you live.  I believe that you would give the same advice to your children, and if my children grow up as independent thinkers that can survive and thrive without me, I will have fulfilled my celestial duty to make them.... real.. as well.

Wednesday, March 6, 2024

Is It Live or Is It Memorex

 I'm sure that most reading this won't know what the subject line of the post means.  There was an ad a long time ago that asked, "Is it live or is it Memorex."  Memorex was a particularly popular brand of VHS and cassette tapes, and everyone knew of them, then... a sign of how things change.  They were advertising how real sounding something was.. it was almost like the real thing... almost.  But, it was a copy.  It wasn't live... it wasn't real.  It was a recording, which can have flaws.

Our memories are like that.  Today, I was reflecting on how a lot of my past relationships failed from an APPEARANCE or an ASSUMPTION of what I believed to be true, even if it wasn't in fact actually true.  I mourned over "losing" what had... in fact.. never existed.  If I looked for times that my ex's wrote romantic notes to me, I would have to look in vain.  If I tried to find the moments in my memory that had them coming up behind me to put their arms around me or say that they loved me, without my saying it first... I would be inventing some memories.  The reality is that what I mourned never really existed, and maybe THAT is what I was truly mourning.  They were just being the same person that I always had in front of me, even if I assumed something else to satisfy the imbalance of emotions shown.

It is so funny how we often imprison OURSELVES over things.  It is like Tate McRae's song, "Tear Myself Apart," where she talks about how we tend to criticize ourselves after something fails, even if it had nothing to do with us.  And, in the new book I am reading... Making Money by Terry Pratchett, I read, " get him to build his own rack, and let him turn the screws all by himself."  Very often, we are the only one judging ourselves for non existent wrongs, while the other person hasn't given a second thought to us.  Some say, "It is that it is," but we should also make sure "It was that it was," as well.

So, I do think that it is important for us, as we are making our foundation to rise from failures to fully understand what WAS failures and what was just incorrect matching and missteps and, after gaining our footing, rise in confidence of a future when we are in the right place and state of mind in the right time and connection of factors to make a successful opportunity appear in front of us.

Tuesday, March 5, 2024

Our Choices, Our lives

I want to bring together a few things I have said in the past to expand on what sounds like a pretty obvious point that is actually deeper and supernaturally true than it first appears.

I'll begin by talking about this week and today.  This week (and earlier actually) my deliveries and money has been working much better than usual.  Whereas I used to fight some days and barely make my budgets, it's like money is throwing itself at me.  The car is running great with very little issues, which I used to be facing.  My health has been going much easier with less pains and problems... I know some of that is because of the cholesterol med increase but stay with me.  It is like things are working out for me, really well... AFTER I decided to go back to the midwest.  I no longer need pressure to make me decide that.  Today, I decided to do something I would enjoy in this area, and LITERALLY as I was driving home to get ready for it, a shower popped up that wasn't on the radar and developed and expanded literally right on top of me, til I decided not to go to it and then the weather cleared.  While... at the same time... I got another increased tip where someone increased their tip by 10 dollars.  Recall that money is important to be able to move.  Yeah, it could be coincidence, but maybe it's supernatural science.  I'll explain.

What if our lives are not being either blessed or cursed in total but specific elements related to bad or good choices are being so?  I recall dating people.. and marrying some of them, actually... where it was a struggle the whole way.  And, the whole time I was with them, it was overcoming one disaster or challenge after another.  And, immediately upon leaving that connection, things improved, dramatically.  I have had ex friends that had the same effect, while I was connected to them that left or improved upon ending that connection.  You gotta ask... why would God.. or nature or the universe or whatever you want to use.. do this?  I think science.  You put a mouse in a maze and want it to go in a specific path, so what do you do?  You provide rewards for the right choices and you make it very uncomfortable in the bad ones.  What if we are being directed in much the same way?  I've already made that point about the last year's almost supernatural pitfalls and dangers I faced.

Let me expand on that by bringing up another point that  I made once about the multiverse.  I did a post where I said the multiverse was real in that every second of every day, we make choices.  Each of those choices lead to different paths... different universes that could happen.  Maybe sometimes, our specific choices put us in a world that is not right for us and changing those choices can improve our entire world around us by changing the universe in which we live?  Indeed, I hate to bring him up, as I think he is a dangerous fraud, but I heard a "laughing revivalist" one time decades ago, where people would "fall out" laughing as he spoke, say that the people that were on Jonah's ship in the bible were facing the storms out at sea not for anything they did but because they just happened to be on Jonah's boat, who was running away from God.  Those people were not even believers in that God, but they were not being punished til they happened upon the boat where God was judging one of his servants.  However, the point was... their lives were in struggle and not being blessed because of who they were around.

I can definitely attest to that in my life, but I think it is a good point to share.  Sometimes.... not always, because sometimes bad things just happen that has nothing to do with you ... happens to everyone.  But, if you keep running into pitfalls, maybe you should stop and think... am I on the wrong path?  If you are, maybe you are not in the universe that you should be, and you are not being blessed for simply not being where you CAN be blessed and not for anything you specifically did to deserve it.  

Something to consider.

Monday, March 4, 2024

A Couple Singles or a Dance

 One realization I had over the day is that as I look back over my past failed relationships in my life, I see mostly people that were happy being single... even if they were in a relationship as they lived it.  

I've seen this in dating circles a lot, too.. tho I'm hoping that's just a Florida hedonistic quality and not what I'll find elsewhere.  Many don't even want to be in a relationship.  I've posted statistics of how more women than men but a majority of both at middle age don't want to ever remarry.  Some even post how they want a two person income and to live alone, which I think might be a definite red flag for someone wanting a relationship.

Different people want different things, and there's definitely nothing wrong with staying single and living that way the rest of your life.  It's just not what I want.  If you bypass that question when dating, you can find yourself depending on emotional satisfaction from someone that was really just looking for things for themselves, and trust me... that doesn't end well.  

So, take the time to make sure what you want and seek others that want that too.  Do you want to be a couple singles, together, or two people in a couples dance the rest of your lives.

Saturday, March 2, 2024

Lotus Flower Suckers

In mythology, they tell of the Lotus plant that " induces a dreamy forgetfulness and an unwillingness to depart." ( Odyssey depicts it as such..

"Those who did so were overcome by a blissful forgetfulness; they had to be dragged back to the ship and chained to the rowing-benches, or they would never have returned to their duties." - Britanica

I think this is a very relevant story to our time.  Recently, I listened to an audiobook called Dopamine Nation and have mentioned it in the past, how society is being geared to follow what feels good and how that inherently destroys us... as we seek satisfaction from things that become less and less satisfying, so we get more extreme and less reasoned.  It also has the effect of making us weaker in my opinion, because like eating of the Lotus we forget our purpose or goals in life and end up trying to blissfully forget the past, instead.

Change is hard, because it takes effort and drive, in spite of being unpleasant.  If we eat food that tastes sweet like sugar all the time, our bodies decay, but eating more vegetables and protein can build us up.  If we sit around and do nothing, our bodies decay and get pains, while an active life improves both.  You can work hard and have more money and less stress, or you can lay in bed and eventually have the power shut off for non payment.  Following what feels good is not always your best path.

I'm not saying that pleasure is bad, and I would suggest that sometimes it IS good to drink some wine or relax or do things that make you feel good.  But, that has to be in moderation and CANNOT become a substitute for growth and adaption for a life that is always changing.

I am getting older, but I am not dead, yet.  If I begin seeking the easy path and giving up on taking new goals or seeking a better way, I am already beginning my descent into the grave, and I would rather not do that till I am actually dead.  May we all LIVE until we enjoy our days in the present, always expecting a better day, tomorrow.... until there are no more tomorrows.  THAT is what it means to be alive.