Can You See Me In The Dark

I was going to do this post, tonight, BEFORE I saw that the new trailer for Good Omens 3 is out, but that just caps it off.  I love that series, and I am looking forward to seeing it in May.  It will be a short season.. one long series finale, but it is a good story.

If you have been a long viewer of this blog, you will know that I have from time to time done post series about the value of the dark.  Today, I saw a video from Lili Reinhart who I knew from and loved in Riverdale doing a video in which she said if she was a celestial being and was asked if she wanted to come to earth for a brief stay... just a blip.. and be able to experience human emotions.. love, heartbreak, and all of it.. would she want to go, and she smiled and said yes.  She said that when she is struggling, she keeps grounded by knowing that even pain is beautiful in its own way.  It reminded me of those post series that I have done about the beauty or the value of darkness in life.  In fact, I have spent YEARS contemplating that at times, which is why I choose to feel it all.. experience it all... live it all, and I don't regret any of it.  There is nothing that is good or bad in total, and there is benefit in experiencing all of it.

You might ask how I can value darkness.  I would answer that it is in the same way that God values darkness and pain.  He made us to experience those things.  He didn't have to do that.  And, despite the fact that much theology in various organizations likes to value being "blessed" or always having things feel good, that is not actually theologically correct.  God used the devil to test Job... supposedly after the fall, and the "devil" has continued to serve a purpose in God's plan and in Scripture, throughout the pages and in life.  How many passages talk about how those whom God loves he tests and that the testing produces perseverance... even as the Bible says that God cannot, Himself, test anyone with evil.  

It is not just a case of evil coming to try to tempt people away from following or believing in God, but it is also to temper and strengthen and grow, as anyone that does fitness for long knows that it is painful and hard as hell (word choice intentional) but is necessary to grow to become the best that we can be.

The problem is that in our society, those that are under pressure and struggle are often cast aside by those that don't want to even SEE that life is not as beautiful as they want it to be.  Yet... that's where Jesus lived his days.  That's why Scripture says that in the darkest place "God is there," though many of God's followers would never even be able to see Him...or us.. doing good where they can never go.

And, that is one reason why I continued and continue to say that I would much rather be condemned and cast out than live a sheltered life, because that's where all the other hurting humans would happen to be.  And, I don't need validation to actually do good and love.  If that's what you are after.. please.... stay inside the church walls.  You will get your reward. 

Heartfelt

My expression has not been politically correct or comfortable for a VERY long time, but it is always heartfelt. I don't post to please anyone.  My goal has always been to be true and real and help others by presenting a real life in struggles and joys.  That has made me be rejected by both major political parties, ruffled the feathers of religions and atheists, and has lost me friends, acquaintances and more.  But, one thing that should not be said of me that I ever intentionally lie.  That runs contrary to my nature.  I would rather be judged by the world than be false or to fail to help someone in need.  And, I often AM judged by the world for speaking my thoughts that challenge groups of status quo or accepted philosophies.

When I was in high school, I hated English.  I was so tired of sentence diagrams and grammar rules.  Then, I got to the Renaissance period of literature, and my soul lit fire.  I found in the pure emotional expression of the period a home.  It was not just a period for literature but for lives that were learning to experience and learn from life, not instruction.  Later, this would be called and condemned by the religious as "humanism" and "liberal arts".. two labels I would welcome about myself.  I DO stand for humans being human.  I do stand for the conflict of ideals and free expression of thought.  I think that is the only way we grow.  I know that is the only way that I GROW... for sure.  Why would I limit my contacts to those that agree with me and expect to grow beyond myself?

So, when I say something, I have not just put my mind into it but my heart into it.  I don't just decide to do something, I choose to do something.  I believe it was John Wesley that said that there was a counterfeit for faith that existed in the church in his day.  He said that it was "mental assent" ... which said that he would believe something so long as it made sense and if it did not would be rejected.  While there is a value to putting your mind to use for what it was given to you to use, there are things of the heart that cannot be quantified or explained.  

We are entering in the period leading up to Christmas, right now.  On many of the Santa movies that are out there, there is the theme that faith is not seeing to believe but believing to see.  It is about believing that there is some good in the world, whether or not we are seeing it.  It is about BEING good in the world, even when that is not being returned to you.  It is about living HEARTFELT, and that is my personality and my curse, because I can do no other.

So, I would challenge you in this time that you would believe in good, go good, love, and be hopeful for the future, even if there is no reason to do so.  Carry forward the good memories of the past, whether they are still present.  And, care for others.  If you can improve the life of ONE PERSON this season, you would be the world to that person and give your life meaning and their life blessing.  And, that heartfelt way of living and loving is... in my opionion.. the greatest truth that God deemed for man to be. 

Love is More Important

I was sitting in a church pride LGBTQ service the other day, and they were singing appropriate and great worship songs.  Some spoke of God's ability to save and power.  However, most spoke of God's love, and that contrast was an important and helpful thing for me reflect on and write about.

I've noted over the years the various trials that I've had to endure.  Over those years, I wondered why God didn't come to save me from them.  In some cases God did by literally removing me from them or driving me to remove myself from them.  However, the powerful arm of God to save is something I've not often seen.  Indeed, the Bible writers also didn't see it often, as the Psalm writers begged for it, and the New Testament writers would endure many hardships and death.

However, God was present to care for them and me.  Even in my struggles... especially in them.. God's heart was very near to me.  That helped me remain steady and empower me over the years to keep believing.

As I reflected on this in the service, it occurred to me that it is much more important that God is good and loving than that God is powerful.  We often see power in bullies and those that control and use us.  It is a toxic situation, even if it can at times benefit us.  Having someone that doesn't solve your problems but loves you in them is golden.  My current romance with my fiancee is like that.  I think God choosing to die.. the ultimate physical weakness.. is the most needed and wonderful thing God could do and has much more effect than if God came in with power to dominate.

So, just remember as you go through your trials that it's less important that God saves you from them than that God loves you IN them.  Then, go and try to do likewise to others.

The Role of Darkness in Light

I forget which Catholic show it was that I saw, once, on EWTN that led with it, but a show used to open with a phrase that the light shines the most in darkness.  If there wasn't the dark, the candle wouldn't show up as much as it does... it would just fade into the background.

If you've followed the blog over the years, you will know that over the last year or  so, I began to talk about the value of darkness.  Even as so much of my light is love and joy and light in the current day, I still maintain that view.  Indeed, it was something I talked about over the years at different times.  In a book I wrote on magic years ago, I noted that in order for something to be magical, something else must be plain to have the contrast.

There has been periods of struggle and darkness over the years from one thing or another.  With hindsight, I can see many of them were meant to motivate me in one way or another.  Just one example began in August of 2023.  I was living content in Florida with some conditions that were not always good but were acceptable.  I would have stayed in that condition, left alone.  I was single and not making the amount of money I could and found pockets of joy in nature and a few friends and my child I had in custody periods.  I had spent a LONG time raising that child with much influence in their life and was fixed in them.

Then, in the span of 6 months, EVERYTHING I felt secure in was ripped away.  I was hit with a retina tear that became a retina detachment and would result in two surgeries 6 months apart that would remove me from work.  My best friend at the time mocked me publicly and rejected me.  My ex with mental issues would in paranoia and mania break my custody agreement and deny me my weekends and more... the only reason I didn't go to police was not to put my child through that in their senior year. Then, due to my child being under their influence, my ex turned my child against me.  Left with nothing, I moved near family in Oklahoma, taking a job that .. as it would turn out... wouldn't last long.  However, it relocated me to where I could meet the most amazing person I have ever met in my life and with which we both found our perfect partner for our nature and being.

Yet... none of that amazing find and unfolding life I have in other ways, as well, would have happened if I had not faced that total collapse.  If any of it had remained, I might not have moved to where I needed to be to find her.  Darkness was NECESSARY to find my light.

We can be stupid as rats in a maze to a God that oversees not only the world but time and knows us most intently than we know ourselves.  So, God needs not only the cheese but the obstacles and sometimes maybe even shocks of pain to get us to move to where we need to go.  I hate the idea of the shocks, but I have also been the rat that needed it.  

So, my point in this is just to say, don't always feel that you are far away from God in periods of struggle.  It can be for many reasons, not just to motivate you to move or change.  Sometimes, it may simply be so that when you DO face your magical moments in your life, you recognize and value them with the gratitude for which they are worthy.  I will pray for you in that journey, as well.

Providence

As some might know that's followed me for some time, I have a Bible degree under my accounting, and I spent time no only active in churches but writing devotionals.  I became jaded from personal  experiences and what I have seen in many churches over time, until recently being reminded of the good that does exist in some of them.. probably most of them even if not leadership if I am honest.  Even when the leadership or structure is being run by greed and power in many, the newest of faith often have the purest of hearts.

Anyways, back then I wrote several devotionals.  One of them I considered my best work at the time and for a long time kept it 100 percent free to benefit the most people possible.  It would have thousands of downloads over the years with my paid promotion.  It was called 30 Days of Providence.  Somewhere along the time of my being disheartened in the church, I removed it from the sites of highest promotion and left it on a very lesser site HERE.  Check it out or not.  I only mention it for context.  It is good, but I've also grown much since writing it, especially in struggle. 

My point, though, is I used to BELIEVE in providence.  Then, for a long time, I did not.  I felt that things could NOT operate by plan with the world being how it was.  Then, two things happened over the last year to understand clearer and to regain my belief in it.  First, rather than being "blessed" into belief, I faced more and more hardship, til I began to understand there is value in the darkness.. character in the struggle, and we are often shaped in part by the evil we have faced .. even in opposition to it.  Then, I met the most perfect person for me, when I had all but given up hope that such a person did exist.  It came at the perfect time in the perfect way that would not have worked, otherwise.  She is everything I want and more, and I would have missed it and hated myself for it if known, had I been "blessed" with what I thought was good enough before.  I HAD to be cursed to now be blessed... and all of that is providence.

So, even when things look dark, and it looks or feels like God has abandoned you, consider that he might actually be blessing you, and the pain is actually loving you in a way you are not able to see or understand.  There is hope, if we left God craft us and bring us to where we are meant to be.

Deliver Me From Evangelicals

I've said it before.  I can only co conclude based on what I've seen.

One year ago today, my very religious ex decided upon me dropping off my child after our weekend to block all future weekends for my child to be with her dad.  Was it because I did something terrible?  Threatening?  Angrily?  Nope.  We had just spent a weekend together after months of my having to be face down following eye surgery.  We had pleasant conversations, as usual.  The only thing I did was suggest my daughter should apologize for not spending her summer with me as I was entitled.  I had said in the Spring that as much as I wanted to see her I would understand if she had a job and couldn't spend the summer with me. Come summer, my ex texted that my daughter was LOOKING for a job and would be home as she did it... not the deal but ok.  The summer would pass and almost all was without a job but not with me.  So, I said she should apologize, and that set off my ex, who then said I wasn't a good influence on her, and as her mom she "had power" over that.  I noted it was kidnapping and illegal per custody agreement, but she said if i didn't like it "sue me but you won't win before she's 18."  Over the next 6 months of my sending my daughter both Christmas and birthday/graduation gifts...and attending her graduation.. I had good communication with my child via text, til a very long message from "my daughter" that went on several days and said things my child would know wasn't true (indicating it was my ex writing it) I was told to stay out of her life and that I was blocked.  I am almost certain it was my ex writing it, as it didn't match any prior conversations or style, but my ex had 6 months of uninterrupted propaganda aimed at my child to say unchallenged lies, too.  Bearing false witness and not honoring my child's father.

But, that is not my only experience with evangelicals by far.  I had many experience times upon which to base judgment.  I served as a greater in an evangelical church for over a year.  Then, my child got pneumonia.  No one from that church would visit the hospital, and when we returned there would be no prayers for my child, even though they knew my experience.  

I had an evangelical say "god" told her not to date me, after her lesbian daughter objected to her mom that she was dating.  I had an evangelical pastor friend of my 2nd ex that was scheduled to be out wedding officiant post on my FB page on my birthday the week of my wedding that he hoped "I would find Jesus" after he knew I was a long Christian and had a Bible degree.  What he DIDN'T know was his friend I was marrying was a family witch.  And,  I've had a LONG history of evangelical friends unfriend and abandoned me for questioning their political hero or being Democrat.

So, between my history with evangelicals and seeing them judge and condemn anyone different from them I think maybe the Lord's prayer was misinterpreted.  Instead of deliver us fron evil, it should be deliver us from evangelicals, because they seem to be the source of the anger and division in our world, today... following in a long tradition going back to burning witches, religious wars, and invading the middle east to convert by the sword in the crusades.  "God is love," is a popular thing for them to say in non election years,  but it definitely isn't something seen in our lives.

Create Life

"Find a purpose for yourself, not your father." (Kaos, S1E1)

That  quote was said by a good truck salesman to Dionysius in the first episode of Kaos on Netflix, when the god was lamenting that his father, Zeus, wasn't giving him any real promotion or purpose.  But, I think it is a valuable lesson for all and introduction to a theme for this post.

We are all like him in this mistake of thinking, so often.  We sit around waiting on others to save us or give to us purpose and meaning of life.  Then, when they reject us, it can destroy us for a long time.  It took me years, but I finally learned in the last 6 months to value myself enough to start making decisions and actions to make myself happy without needing to check in with someone else.  It was and is very liberating, and it makes me pity others when I now hear them lamenting what others are not providing them, rather than them just doing it for themselves.

God, as the chief target of expectation of provision, is called God primarily for having "creator" power.  Indeed, our country Thomas Paine, who i greatly respect for his logic concludes that while he doubts human religion he believes in a god, because he did not make himself.  I don't know that I fully agree with the logic, but I respect it.  That said, however, there is a flaw in his reasoning.  We DO create ourselves.... every ... single ... day.  Each day, we have creative power to decide what we will do, and that choice creates the life that we receive.  We are our own god in that manner.  My current location, employment, and more are end results of choices that got me here, and any success I have as a result was the natural outcome of those choices.  So... I tend to think time that is spent begging for an answer ... like in the Disney movie wish that makes the same point I am making here.. is better spent actually CREATING your future as you desire it to be.

So, since you have that creator power, use it wisely, use it empathetically, and use it without thoughts of what others owe you.  Create your own purpose and "to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot." Ecclesiastes 5:18

Successfully Un "Blessed"

As I enter into a highly prosperous present and future, I must reiterate that it was my own determination and actions that brought it about... not God.  And... I think that's God's plan.  Indeed.. I doubt very seriously if the hard, evangelical right would argue with me about that point.  

After all, they have been watching my every hiccup like a hawk to see of God would FINALLY put me in my place... because I dared to question religion and point out the hypocrisy of his church.  Their worldview MUST have a "good" side and a 'bad" side, which typically is whatever side that differs than their own image or preference.  That's how diversity... different lifestyles or cultures than theirs .. becomes an evil thing that must be silenced and exiled.. or controlled.

I've given them a lot of reasons to find me "evil" by defending witches, gays, trans people, opposing political parties, minorities and poor people.  So, my success, instead, must confuse them.  Every other day, I see people say that GOD will deliver and prosper them.  Most, actually, live lives with as much challenge that I face or more.  I chose, instead, to follow a logical path that says... well... to get to this destination I need to walk (myself) in that direction by doing A, B, C, etc.  Then, when I get there without the sky falling on me, they have to either say I should thank God for the results of my logical actions that brought it about or that the "devil" brought it about... because if MAN is responsible for their own lives, they would have a lot to answer for and a lot to do.

In the end of The Adjustment Bureau, the divine like figure rewrites "the plan" that had tried to separate them, because the couple chose to do it, anyways... and the movie concluded that maybe that was the plan, all along.. that we take responsibility for our own lives.

So.. hopefully, my life will serve as inspiration that if you're tired of praying without results that maybe "God" is waiting for you to make decisions and take actions in your own life... and thank yourself that you had the wisdom and will to finally be a mature human.

Fish in a Tree

I've noted the quote several times, so this will just be a chorus harmony.

"Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

It is falsely attributed to Einstein, but who cares who actually said it.  It's true.

For most of my life, I have been criticized or condemned for being am independent minded person.  I've often said that TRUTH is the real god, and all deities must bow to it.  I approach the world in a factual and logical fashion like spock from Star Trek.  It is or it isn't.   It is that it is, and it isn't that it isn't.  I'm mature enough to recognize that fiction can also be truth... a false message can have true effect.  However, ultimately, even gods are judged by their participation in human life or absence, thereof.

Being this kind of INFJ person can be difficult.  Most love to ascribe to political parties or religious sects, so when I point out logical problems, it tends to isolate me from them.  So... you could assume I was broken... defective.  However, as it turns out, those qualities are ideal for an auditor... my new job.  Indeed, you could accurately compare the devil to being God's auditor, or humans that dared to question him like Abraham or others.  My experience is that God likes to be challenged, and it's one more log on the fire that Lucifer never actually "fell" but is serving the purpose for which he was created and given access to God's wisdom... to challenge not only God's actions but that of his followers which DEFINITELY needs challenging.

Most are not mature enough to receive that, but I will leave you with this and a quote.  Be yourself.  Don't judge yourself by others.  They have a different story.  You can't understand theirs, and they won't understand yours.  Be the best you that you can be.

"The best way to predict your future is to create it." Stephen Covey

The Completely Unauthorized Divine Love Letter to the LGBTQ

 I thought about doing this as a book, but I think a post will suffice.

In recent months, there has been a lot of love directed at trans people, and when one died after being bullied at school, there was a rather LOUD silence from the religious community, which makes sense... they are, after all, mostly committed to a religious body more than a loving God.  It's not like they DID it after all... they just didn't object when it was done... or when a religious group showed up to spew hate in the name of their "loving" God.  It's like when the Nazi's said they didn't actually participate in burning jews.. they just kept the trains running on time.  One phrase that I recall that we used to learn typing when I was growing up was "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing."  And, the church has a long history of watching as evil was carried out in front of them, from the killing of Christ to the killing of witches.

But... that's religion.  Recently, I changed my dating profiles to say that I have faith in God, not religion.  There has definitely been some testing to the first part, but I have had no reason to regain trust in the second part.  

I wanted to write a note towards the LGBTQ community, which I have some connection with trans family members and have written lesbian books in the past.  When I studied faith, I was taught that the sum of the law is love, and many seem to have forgotten that, even if I have not.  I don't want to base it on Scripture, as Scripture is... to be historically accurate... written by those with a religious direction purpose.  Also, there is more original text proof of Socrates than there is of Christ, as there remains no original text from the lifetime of the person said to write it, and theology schools teach ministers across the country that what we have is a "majority text" which means most of the copies contained this or that with some additions from non majority texts.  So, we don't in actuality know what was said.  Even the gospel of John says most of what Jesus said was unrecorded.  So, the next time that someone is thumping a KJV Bible written by a King that wrote a bible to allow him to get divorced, remind them it's all about love.

You are not wrong to want to love others or to want them to love you.  Those that hate you are not speaking from God, and trust me...in a few years, you'll never see them, again.  Also, those that hate you will continue finding someone or something to hate, so they will never be free from their curse, so pity them.  There was a Christian book written some years ago that I liked called The Dream Giver.  It focuses on how there are echoes of universal truth in books and stories through the world... not just the Bible.  So, I want you to consider this.  If you see a universal theme in stories of people fighting to be free to be themselves against those that demand you be a copy to validate them.. consider that it is just a reflection of the will of God, and you are not alone.

Believe in yourself.  Love yourself.  Go forward.  When you are in the middle of the valley of evil, why would you stop?  Forward.