Fitness Update

I want to venture outside of just themes of relationships or self acceptance and such to go into practical applications of the journey towards happiness.  This blog post will be about fitness, which is very important to that end.  A few weeks ago, I had a doctor checkup and was asked if I felt depressed about anything.  I said that I did not and was feeling very hopeful.  We had just been talking about my fitness improvement and running that I am doing.  The nurse said, "It's hard to feel depressed when you are so active in fitness, isn't it?"  She has a point, other than thee chemicals that are released into your blood by doing it, you feel good about yourself for trying and for the progress that you see and feel more confidence for other challenges, as well.

Since October of last year, I have lost 26 pounds.  It began as a Healthy Wage challenge that I will collect over 200 in october of this year for meeting.  However, I have exceeded it and kept going.  I feel more fit than I have been in several decades, and it makes me feel really good about my future.  I went from high cholesterol to normal range in less than a year.  All my lab numbers are amazing, now.  

I ussed to run 5k races and such, but it has been years, since I did til this year.  In October I began walking longer distances multiple days a week.  In March, I began running, again.  Now, I just ran 7 miles this last weekend, as part of my training plan to run a half marathon in February that I signed up for.  I am not sure how far I have to go back in my running history to find when I ran 7 miles last, if at all.  But, I will get to the 13 miles that will be needed for the half marathon.  I know I will.

It also teaches you a lot to be involved in fitness.  You learn that you can do more than you think you can do.  You learn that you get better with repeated practice.  You learn to commit to do it regularly, whether or not you feel like it, the weather is good for it, or if you have to work to make it fit into you schedule, because it is important to you.  And, you learn to cut yourself some slack if you didn't meet a pace goal or need to take a day off, because it isn't about winning a race but overall growth and improvement.

So, I hope this post will inspire you to include more fitness in your own life.  I believe it will help you in the same ways it has helped me, and I would love to have everyone find joy in fitness as I do.  It is an objectively effective element towards happiness that is literally in your hands.

First Edition

A very long time ago, one of my first self published devotionals had the preface that focused on being a first edition in the world.  I want to revive that concept in this blog post.

There are so many copies in the world, today.  Not just copies, they are copies of copies of copies and so on.  If you have ever had to make a copy of a copy, you will know that with each copy you lose a little of the quality.  It's like the phone game where people spread a message along from one person to another in a whisper, only to have the final message be nothing like the original message at all.  That is a very good analysis of gossip in the world, today, as well.

The point being, copies lose quality much like an outfit that has  been washed over and over.  It fades and becomes less special with each wash or each use.  

If you look at books that come out, the first edition of an author is raw, true, and a pure message of what the author wanted to convey.  Then, each new edition becomes less of that message to appeal to new readers, til the novel is old and discarded as being yet another novel of the same mundane, accepted storylines.  People WANT originality.  That is what drew them to the book in the first place.

Herman Melville, author of Moby Dick, said "It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation."  I definitely agree.

You were born with a unique flavor you can present to the world, hungry for creativity and boldness.  If you mute yourself to fit in, what was the point of your birth.  In Beautiful Creatures, the boyfriend of the main character asks her, "You are a miracle.  Why would you ever want to fit in."

So, my challenges to you is to not mute yourself to be a good faded copy of originality but be the original miracle you were born to be.  Acceptance was never the point.

I Love Me

I have had songs in my playlists over the years about loving yourself and reshared many posts on Instagram and Facebook about it over time.  However, I have not had many posts about myself loving myself, so I am going to do that for this one as a reminder and an example, as well.

Loving myself should not be seen as an excuse to say that others should love me for these reasons.  I am not everyone's cup of tea, as they say.  If we are all individually unique and diverse, what would appeal to one will be challenging to another.  Nor should it be seen as a justification for objectively bad behavior.  Part of loving myself includes a very active self analysis that is always trying to improve.  You cannot improve if you are unable or unwilling to challenge yourself and admit where you have flaws to address and opportunities of growth where you made poor choices.  But, after those disclaimers, I will go into the things I DO like about myself.

I love that I am curious.  I am interested in learning, even when it corrects me.  Information and truth is and has been very important to me in my life.  

I love that I have a deep mind.  For some people that can be difficult, and I get that.  I wish at times that I could be more carefree, and I am working on being moreso.  But, that said, I can entertain my mind for hours trying to understand deep concepts and human existence and more.

I love that I am dedicated.  Sometimes, I can be too dedicataed to things that I need to let go and move forward.  That would be a flaw for me to work on.... because sometimes for example, I can find myself trying to make one accounting task work to the exclusion of meeting deadlines for the bigger picture.  But, it also means I can go months in fitness without much change visible, before the changes start to happen and keep going till I reach a goal.

I love that I am creative.  I can't paint in a great way, and I wish I could play music instruments, well.  However, I love to make music playlists.  I love to write, and sometimes I will write something in a different way or on a different topic just to challenge myself and see if it can be done.

I love that I have a caring heart.  I would say that I love that I have a caring heart, even after all the pain.  But, one really does not stop the other.  The pain exists BECAUSE I have a caaring heart, and it is care which heals the wounds, especially care for myself.

I love that I am objective.  As the sherrif says to some rebels in the current season of Silo that I am watching to prepare for the new one, "I am not for you or for him.  I am for the law."  That is close to how I am, only I would say that law in that manner for me is objective truth, and it also explains why I am so often clashing with people of all political parties that have an issue with one observation I make or another one or on issues of religion, education, relationships, identity, and more.  I take great interest in trying to undestand things... see above... and then I use that observation to determine things without consulting a group or seeking their approval, all while being able to change if the information so presents itself to do so.

I love that I love things that feed my soul like sunsets, pictures, books, music, art, beaches, the breeze, beauty, delicious foods, and more.  My life may have many challenges over my decades, but it can never be said that I didn't live.

There are more things that I could say, but I am going to take myself to watch a movie, where I will have a few strong drinks and enjoy myself.  I hope  you have a good evening and weekend.

Relevance

This will be a short post.  I wasn't planning on doing any posts this holiday weekend, but I will do this one.

I was reflecting on the fandom sites reactions to Good Omens 3 and social media agenda to cancel culture things, today.  And I was realizing that it really doesn't matter what the "critics" ( well named) say about it.  In the end, it was a product of art, and the true fans will appreciate it. I know I did.

And, I was thinking how often, lately, that I have posted something or felt something and didn't have an immediate response by viewer stats that I had expected.  But, I knew that what I felt and said was a striking of a true cord, so.. I let it be.  And, in the days that followed the stats would bend to support my position.  However, that wan't the point of the pst and isn't ever the point. I don't post to be popular.  If I was, I would pick far less controversial things to say.

So, the ENTIRE point of this post which I will say and then leave is that you must always consider the relevance level of your critics.  In the end of days, you have yourself.  If you believe in yourself, that level does not include those that would never approve of who you happen to be.  So, you must consider the relevance of your objectors and whether they actually... matter.

I mean, seriously.. who takes the time to take issue with things of which they don't approve, as if their opinion has any bearing on those who they already disapprove.  But, I would simply say, consider the relevance of those that find fault with you.  Ultimately, if you approve of yourself, their criticism is more important to exclude them as a potential than it is for changing who you choose to be.  And , that is ultimately a case for always being transparent.

However, to being this back in line for Memorial Day, remember that people once loved you for who you are and fought for your right to be different.  Don't let them down, now.  Be yourself.  It is the fastest way to make sure who loves you for who you are and who liked you for what you can do.  

Happy Memorial Day.  This is my final post til after it is over. 

Gloria.. Why Isn't Anybody Calling.. Gloria

There's a really good old song by a very sexy woman, Laura Branigan, called Gloria.  I'll put the link HERE, but here's some of the lyrics..

"And you really don't remember
Was it something that he said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?

"Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'?
If everybody wants you
Why isn't anybody callin'?
You don't have to answer
Leave them hangin' on the line
Oh-oh, calling Gloria

"[Chorus]
Gloria (Gloria)
I think they got your number (Gloria)
I think they got the alias (Gloria)
That you've been living under (Gloria)
But you really don't remember
Was it something that they said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?"

An exaggeration, but it makes a point that fits with my Perspectives post and current mentality.  Being a creative person, it is easy for caring people like me to imagine someone is feeling more strongly than they are or are sorry when they are not or want you when they don't know you exist.  I finally got to the point that I don't want to guess, anymore.  Besides, if someone cannot act on their own towards me, it would never be equal romance, anyways.  Thus.. to touch on a few recent blog posts, I will keep going out and having fun and having conversations and more.  But, until something is actually and objectively real, it is not real to me.  If someone isn't showing interest from the past, they are not real and should not obstruct me from choosing my path forward.

Indeed, I shouldn't even be considering the possibility of things that are not evident.  What I SHOULD be doing and what I am doing, now, is creating plans that will take me to where I know I can be happy on my own in the event that nothing ever happens with anyone.  As I have noted at various times, your first responsibility is to love yourself with the same passion you would give someone else and make yourself happy.  You have known you the longest, know you the best, and only you will likely be with you til the end.  So, be faithful to yourself and your own happiness.  Anyone that actually cares for you would want that for you, anyways.

You Can Do More Than You Believe

I noted that I was going to do this blog post theme a few days ago on social media, but I had a few that I felt was more important to do at that time.  This post is about how you can do more than you believe that you can do.  

I think all of us have had days where we were down on ourselves or felt limited.  I have those days, too.  But, over the decades of my experience, I have seen myself handle things and do things that I did not believe that I was able to do, when there was no other alternative but to do them.  This has caused me to remind myself of that in hard or tiring times.

The other day, I was tired BEFORE I began my run.  I have been training for a 5 mile run that is about a week and a half away at this point.  So, I have been running a lot.  This particular day, I didn't feel that I had the energy to do one mile, let alone more.  But, I remembered the old running saying that the first mile always lies.  What they mean by saying that is that your body will feel that you cannot do the run in the first mile, but after that you find that you can go much further.  Indeed, that day of that run the other day I ended up doing 4 miles and at a pretty good pace, too.

Another example I would give would be my time when I first moved to Florida, after a divorce.   I was on very limited money, but I was determined, as my child was living there.  So, I got a room in a weekly hotel that wasn't even a very good one.  It literally had bars surrounding it for security, and I would hear shots at times in the streets.  I didn't feel safe to be out, after dark.  This may sound odd coming from me, if watch me rave about my time in Florida, but that was just the start.  I worked hard, and I built myself up, day by day, week by week, month by month.  Within 6 months I was in a better place, and within a year or thereabouts, I was making pretty good money, again.  It would go up from there.  But, at the beginning, there were days I had to budget my meals and was doing it all by myself with no family or friends nearby.

Or, I could reference the time that my youngest child was born and due to medical issues with my ex I was pretty much my infant child's only parent for two years, while I was finishing my degree and had to pay bills and do the household needs.  I was getting like 2 hours of sleep a night.  Saying all of that, now, and looking back I wonder how I had the strength to do it all, but I didn't consider that at the time... I just knew I needed to do it.  

So, that is how I want to end this.  I don't know what your challenges are, and I know that you may have some doubts and can only see enough light for the stair step in front of you.  I will just say, take that step.  Then, you can see the next one.  Take it all one day at at time, and before you know it you will be in love with your life, too. 

Planning for a Happy Other After

I have two blog posts to write, tonight.  They are very different themes, and the next one will be more comfortable for you.  This one will challenge you and will probably piss off half my readers at first, but it is something that I have concluded is very important on the road to happiness... even for those that will be offended.  So... since that's kinda my thing a lot of time, let's just right into that one, first.

This blog post deals with the important role that doubt plays in your planning and direction of life.  I can hear the faith crowd cringe, already.. but stick with me, and you will have to agree from your own life experience.

I get it.  I was like you, SO many different times in my life.  I felt compelled to believe in my pursuits and situations, and having been taught in church sermons and Bible classes, I felt that it was a personal failure on my part to even THINK that it might not turn out as I wanted it to turn out.  Indeed, so many faith preachers would tell you that it is the doubt that would cause it to not come true.  You HAD to believe and not entertain any thoughts that it could not happen.  Yet, again and again over my life, it DIDN'T happen, and by the time that it didn't happen, I had dedicated a lot of time and resources into what even I could have admitted was not working, had I looked at it objectively, and walked away before it would break me from the attempt.  Imagine if scientists or accountants operated that way and said, "It's not working and hasn't worked, but by god we are going to just keep doing it, anyways."  That would be foolish and not in the best interests of anyone or anything other than satisfying... faith.

Doubt gets a bad rep.  Failure gets one, too.  Both does not mean that you need to have an unhappy life, and in fact are themselves the KEY to maintaining a happy one.  How?  Well, I can look back over my decades, and I am sure that you can do so in your own life examples; and I can see that HAD I entertained the possibility that things would NOT turn out the way that I had planned, I could have had the self respect and boundaries enough to retain more for myself and establish roots and plans and paths for myself that did not depend upon what was hoped coming true.

Indeed, I can look back over my life and look at periods of being truly happy on my own without someone else in my life.  Unlike memories that also included another person in them, those happy memories do not fade or go away, simply because someone is no longer in my life.  They maintain their happy glow without also including sorrow.  But, it doesn't mean that you have to be single for that to be true.  If you have the sense to have boundaries IN a relationship or connection with someone and insist upon having happy hobbies and time APART from the other person, while being in a relationship with them, those memories and times will ALSO maintain their happy glow, with or without them.

As I have been exploring and implementing my own personal boundaries, I have been reflecting on those things in my past that were objectively happy and where and what those things were.  I have also been taking personal times doing happy things that does not include anyone else.  I will continue to explore those memories and activities and make choices in light of what I am learning from that.  Does it mean that I will not hold out hope in finding someone, one day?  No.  I will continue to believe and do believe it will happen for me, again.  But, to return to my main point and drive it home, I will PLAN on a happy OTHER after if it NEVER happens.  I will not hold my breath or joy for something that may never happen but will plan on making my own happiness and finding happiness in whatever path my life will take.  And, I hope that you will welcome doubt in your own plans to do so, as well.

People buy life an health insurance plans and write wills and end of life plans, while yet hoping to live their lives in full.  I hope that you find your goals, but more so I hope that you will be grounded enough to prepare in the even that it doesn't happen that way.  Your happiness should not depend on faith, alone.  Unless you want the kind of rocky and jagged existence that I have too often faced, I hope you welcome doubt in your planning, as well. 

Boundaries Pt 2 - A Work in Progress

I've heard the lessons all the time, as I am sure you have, as I grew up and lived my life.  The airplane staff will tell you to put your own air mask on first, before you try to help another.  In the military, they said the same thing about putting your gas mask on, before you help another put on theirs.  The point being that you cannot help anyone if you are dead or passed out.  But, even as I heard those lessons by others, I have always struggled with it, but I did have some moments of success, such as the Florida years that I spoke of where I focused on what I liked to do to learn what exactly that might happen to be.  But, I quickly fall back into the routine of giving up the things that make up me, my own soul, to make others happy.  

Sometimes, when I think back about it over all those decades it makes me angry.  But, I remember one thing that a dear friend of mine said in correction to me after one of those moment when someone that I had cared for became angry at me for simply not providing it to me, anymore.  This was many years ago.. maybe a decade.  Anyways, when I was lamenting how they were behaving, my friend pointed out that I had been self sacrificing and giving like that for them for many years and that was what they had come to expect from me.  Suddenly, I saw that I was as much to blame for how they reacted as they were, because I had left the impression that I didn't have needs, feelings to consider, and so forth.  I led them to that reaction, because I had given too much to them and said that it was ok.

As I have noted in the past post, I am not saying that you should not consider others, but you need to consider yourself, first.  Even Jesus said to love your neighbor as you love yourself, presuming that you are already loving yourself.  If you are surrendering your soul for others and leaving yourself poor and stressed, you are not loving yourself.

So, I ask from others the same grace that I am giving myself... the same grace that I gave myself in Florida, which is the grace to make mistakes as you feel yourself out.  However, that grace doesn't mean patience till I come around to being like others or being a good little boy.  I'm definitely not very much that.  I am by nature emotional, passionate, wild, and hard to control.  I value my freedom and like my sexy mind and passion for life.  So, I'm not becoming a better version of the person others want me to be... that would be the very picture of violating my boundaries as noted above.  But, I will become the best version of myself, and that is the very person I want to be and whom my boundaries are made to protect.  So, even though it is a work in progress, I will go forward with my new boundaries, while at the same time forgiving others for violating them in the past, because I led them to believe that was an ok thing to do by not speaking up.  From now on, I will make an effort to know what I want and to make sure others know exactly what needs and wants they need to respect of mine, as well.

Forward .. To .. Happiness

Periodically, I do a post to remind others and sometimes myself of the name and theme of this blog.  I began this blog a LONG time ago.  There has been a few times of my having deleted all the posts in times of wanting change but I generally circled back to the same themes, which I will discuss, here.  

FORWARD to happiness - Forward, because that is how we live.  It is not saying that there wasn't happiness in the past.  Indeed, you should have quite a lot of that in your memories and old pics.  I am not saying that you should not value that happiness, because I believe it is very important to protect the good in the past for the good that it was and not try to reframe it.  All of the things in your past were important in teaching you and growing you and just helping you to be.  However, we cannot continue to live there, because those days are no more.  You have to live in today and move towards tomorrow.  If you spend all of your time in the past, you cannot enjoy the present or future or be what you should be for yourself or others.  There is happiness to be had in this day and the days to come, both what you can receive and what you can give to others.

forward TO happiness - Life is a constant journey.  It is important to recognize that it .. and you... are constantly changing and evolving.  Yesterday was interesting, and tomorrow might be exciting.  However, today is the moment where you have to pick up the pen and start sketching or writing what you are experiencing and enjoying and feeling and thinking and living.  Today is the moment of exploration, where you do not have to have all the answers.  You will not.  In fact, today is the day where you get to find the answers by asking the questions of yourself and others.  It is also important to actually BE on the journey.. to leap from your hobbit house and say, "I'm going on an adventure."  And, it will definitely be an adventure.. some good and some bad but all learning and all real.  What a pity it would be to miss it by living "a life standing still" as the character says in Beautiful Creatures.  Finally, it is an adventure forward TO something, not running away from something.  Look for the positive and look up.  It can be a beautiful thing to see.

forward to HAPPINESS -  As I just said, look for the positive.  I am trying to do that more and more, though sometimes I fail.  Consider everything from the positive mindset.  Not... what am I avoiding but what can I gain.  Not... I don't like that but I do like THAT.  Not.. this is what I fear or dislike or tiredness or despair (even though it is important to let feelings flow through you and leave you) but this is what I believe or like or have hope to be and experience.  This is a new day, and tomorrow is not written.

So, I hope this blog post will remind you.. and me.. that you walk with your face forward, because that is where life takes place.. step by step, moving through life and experiencing today as you discover tomorrow.  I look forward to the places your journey will take you. 

You Deserve to Be Here

There is a wonderful line in a movie that I used to watch for the holidays, each year... called The Holiday of all things.  In it, two of the characters are talking about life and that the woman is not acting like a leading lady of her own life.  She says, "You are supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God's sake."  Here's the scene.  Indeed.  Man or woman, you SHOULD be the leading character in your own life.  You deserve to have a seat at the table in your own life.  You deserve to be happy of your own life.  It's... your life.

I did a post a bit back about how recently I have been walking more upright with my head held high.  There are a few times that started to make me slouch in my walks or more, and I would notice right away that I was doing it.  It didn't feel NATURAL, anymore.  It felt like betrayal of myself, so I would lift my self up, steel my eyes forward, and march into what may come.  I would suggest that whatever you are facing in your life, you do the same thing.

Because.. you DO deserve to be a leading character in your own life.  If someone doesn't like who that is and doesn't want to be around it, they are in the wrong story, and you should not feel bad about that.  You should also not condemn them for being different.  They are the leading character in THEIR own story, and perhaps your stories just do not follow the same path, and that is ok.

You should never feel bad about being who you are.  You should never feel that you must change who you are to please others... in minor ways of common courtesy and respect or to work together as begets a civilized society, yes and you should always want to improve, but that is to improve as the best version of YOU, not another person that someone feels is better.

So, hold your head up high.  Think of all your good qualities and do things that help you to shine and be happy as yourself.  You deserve to be yourself.  God knows it took a long time to get to who are are, and the would be at a great loss to be without you in it. 

Improved Me is Still Me

 Over the last several months, I have done a lot of things to improve myself.  I took a period of time to reflect on things that I have done that could be improved, though not all things that I did were wrong.  I took some time to be brutally true about ways that my actions could have caused others difficulty, even if those things were done for good purposes and with different meanings.  And, I learned many ways that I could be a better person, even if only for myself... especially for myself in many cases.

However, one thing must be remembered in all of these things.  At the end of the day, improved me will still be me.  Improved me was never meant to become someone that works better with any particular person or type of person.  Indeed, falling in love with myself over the last several months has taught me that I need to be more careful about with whom I make deep connections and to be real about expectations.  Loving someone, quite honestly, is not enough, if personality styles clash, for example.  I have bought and lived the "all you need is love" mentality way too often in my life and have paid the price for that delusion.  The emotion of love fades, hormones decrease, financial or other struggles appear and you soon learn whether you had a firm foundation of loyalty, care, and the ability to meet each others' needs or not.

So, while I am making myself the best version of myself, it will always be a version of... myself.  I will still wear my emotions on my sleeve and want to express them in intimacy with the person that I will find.  I am keeping a lot of that off social media and blog posts, as relates to my own feelings and experiences, but that IS a reality of who I am as a person.  When I do find someone that I value and connect with in a deep way, I will want to brag about them, speak about how I feel about them, and especially speak about my love to them with words and gestures.  Not everyone can receive that, but I don't feel that I should have to give that up if it makes me happy to do so or to live with less joy in my life to keep it quiet.  I am by nature a communicator.. i.e.. writing in a blog right now, which I do often about things that I feel are important, so why would I not speak about a person that I feel is important. It would feel to me to be cheating them to be quiet about them but speak up about other things.

So, I just wanted to do a blog to mention that my poet and romantic personality will always be who I am, and I cannot and will not make myself even appear cold or indifferent, just to work with someone who might find emotions challenging.  So, yes.. I will be taking my time in my future connections and only reaching deeper levels with those with whom I feel I would be safe... as myself.. to be fully me. 

Raise the Bar on Yourself

I have had a mentality in the past that seemed right at the time and think there is a point in it for your self respect, but I think upon reflection that it is also damaging to your self respect.  Thinking it over fresh, I don't think I'd share the mentality, now.

What I used to feel and do was that I didn't want someone choosing me or liking me for superficial reasons.  So, I'd wear glasses or dress casual on many days or more.  I wanted them to like me for me and not for superficial reasons.  I thought this was supporting my self respect.  However, as I've been taking time to improve myself more and more.  I feel good when I look good or dress well... regardless of whether others notice.  I'm not doing it for them.

But, why CAN'T I do it for them, too.  This is a new way of thinking for me, so I'm exploring it.  Not everyone is meant to be your forever person, but they can be a fun part of your life or good to be in your life.  I don't mean it solely sexually, but to use that to make the point... I don't need to understand the lifestory of someone I see on porn, nor do people need to have a connection that lasts with a book or movie character for them to masturbate to that, either.

So.. to bring it back to being PG... if I can enjoy others for even just a conversation or friendly company or to admire... why should I fail at being the best I can be for them.  Making myself less to test their interest doesn't just send the message that I want someone that will love me at my worst but tells them that's all they should expect.. which I do not want to be true.

So, I will be doing more to improve my appearance and more.. for myself, first, but also because I wouldn't want to present less than my best to others.

Reclaim Your Swagger

There is a scene in a movie that I usually watch every year in the fall but didn't this last fall (Serendipity) and a scene in it that I have quoted in various blogs over the years.  That was when Jonathan's friend quotes Epictetus to him that said if you want to improve you must be content to be thought footish and stupid and that he was out there doing it and making it happen.  That isn't the part that I want to use for this blog post, though it is entirely true.  Then the friend tells him, "You're the sht".. and Jonathan notes to a nearby stranger that heard it, "That's me.. the sht."

Lately, as I have focused on what I like about me and as I improve myself and fell in love with myself, I have felt really good and happy without needing anyone's approval to be so.  My smile came not from external validation but from internal resonance with my own soul, which only drove me to become more and more myself.  But, I noticed something on my walks and when I am walking at work and other places.  I notice that my head is up and my back is vertical.  Now, I know that is how you are supposed to be walking and should not slouch, but that is not my point.  For a long time, as I walked I would be looking down, sometimes in thought or down or unsure.  But, now, I'm walking around like I deserve to be there.. which.. of course.. I do.

Reflecting on this reminds me of my gunnery sergeant in the Army who used to say, "What are you looking at your feet for.  There isn't any shrapnel down there."  He was a good man and helped me to win soldier of the month, once month.  But, the point is very valid.  You should be proud of yourself.  You have a lot to offer, and no one is going to be able to see that if you are always down about mistakes or feeling inadequate for those that are not qualified or capable to appreciate you. So... reclaim your swagger.  As Adam Lambert once sung, STRUT.

Now, I am not saying that you should ignore your mistakes or not find ways to improve.  I do that every day.  I'm also not going to say that the things of the past that weighs on you will suddenly go away or change.  That isn't the point.  If you ware waiting for everything to feel and be perfect to start to shine, you will remain that way, forever.  There is a time to pull away and  feel and learn and process, and I will not rob you of your pain.  It will do much.  But, as that healing begins to take hold and you begin to realize that maybe you weren't all bad but just not right for someone, or someone wasn't able to appreciate how good you are, you have to take a step back and look at yourself and your progress and say.... that's me.  I'm the sht.  Because, well, you are to the right people, first of who is yourself. 

Happy Valentines to You

I will give this my best shot.  I wanted to do a good piece for this weekend, and then wham.. spent most of the day fighting off a one day (hopefully) virus that left me without energy or clarity of mind to write something.  Then, there was the periodic emotional waves that I had to allow to flow through and depart without action.  It is important to feel the emotions and learn from them, but it is not good to let them direct you, always.  But, this post is not going to be about my romantic past or future.  It is only going to be about the greatest romance that you should ever have in your life... with yourself.

People will spend so much of their lives thinking about others and analyzing themselves to see how they can be a better version of themselves to please others.  I know.. I lived like that way more years of my life than I care to admit.  However, not only is that a misuse of time, it is also ineffective in the goal of finding others that will like YOU.  How are they going to like you, if you don't even know who you are.  How are they going to love you, if YOU don't love you. Thus, the romance that you have for yourself is the greatest romance, because it will not only be the most personal but will lead to all others.

The first step that you need to do is to learn about yourself.  How often do you meet someone and ask curious questions to get to know them.  I am generally an introvert, but I LOVE to get to know stories about others people.  I hate group settings, but I love to sit in quiet settings and ask questions and tell stories and connect with people.. not just romantic but in all kinds of human connections.  I have heard the most interesting stories and met the most interesting people that way.  Even recently, I learned things about my own town and others that I had no idea about and would not if I stayed in my little bubble.  That is why it is so important to make connections that are not like you.  However, similarly, we cannot know what we like if we stay in the pre-determined lives given to us by others and do not challenge ourselves to explore.  You also have to be willing to accept personal interests that are not popular or are even risque.  But, whatever it is, you have to take the time to learn what you like and then love yourself for liking them.

Once you have taken the time to get to know yourself and love yourself, the next part is easy.  All you have to do is shine.  All you need to do is allow others to see the warm smile that you feel in being and doing what it is that you like to be and do.  As you enjoy yourself and your life, that will attract others that also like those things, and it will turn off those that do not agree with your smile, thereby filtering out the wrong ones.

So, this Valentines, that is my own goal for myself and my wish for you.  BE YOU and be happy in being yourself.  LOVE yourself and others, and let the rest all work out around you as it should.  Be your own valentine.  You deserve the kind of love and acceptance that only you can give. 

What Everyone Knows About Love

Ok.  I am going to do the blog post that I mentioned would be coming on social media.  As promised, it will be a general post with very little details from my personal past, because those details are A. not important to be said to establish the foundation for the point and B. being protected by me as an application of the point that I will be sharing.  It is a post that will run contrary to the procedures and methods of this world, today... and that is both sad and the point.... because we all know it to be true, even though very few will actually live that way.

The first point that I want to establish off the get go that will run afoul of modern mentality is this.  Love never dies... it might just live in hidden places and under pain and intentional distraction.  It might leave your possession and live within another for a while.  It might be seen in another form.  However, it never dies.  This should not be a surprise to anyone.  There is both literary and cultural foundation for this concept.  The bible literally says, "Love never ends" or "Love never dies" based on the translation in 1 Cor 13:8.  Vincent Van Gogh says, "Love is something eternal—the aspects may change, but not the essence."  We all have hope that love will always remain, and we say things like "I'll love you forever" or the "love of my life" and feel sadness when we do not feel that the love is remaining, because the other person might say hurtful things or walk away or more.  However, I'd say that oftentimes those are indications that love is, indeed, remaining.  If love truly went away, there would be no anger in a breakup.  Pain comes from care, and care comes from love.  Further, I only use myself as evidence in this without knowing the minds of others, but those with which I have had the most conflict and who have done me the most damage in the past, I have still been concerned for their wellbeing, success, and happiness.  It is not a choice between love and pain.  It is pain in love.  A person without love would not care about what another may be doing or saying or living.  They'd be too busy with other things in their lives to even notice.  

Next, love is not tied to what you receive.   In fact, that is kinda the opposite of the whole existence of love to assume otherwise.  Love is a choice.  Love is concern for another person.  Love is to care for their needs and the desire to help meet those needs.  This is not to say that love cannot be intermingled with some of those other themes, some important and others not.  Perhaps, someone might think that love is found in loyalty.  Some think love is found in someone that is showing care back for you.  Some think that love is found in honesty.  All of these have value on their own, but... none are actually components of love.  Similarly, some might think that love is pain or love is vulnerability or love is being used.  Those can be results of love, as can be things like gratitude or self respect or happiness.  It should also be noted that just because a love that was shared ceased to be presently active that it is important to go back and reinterpret things to redefine good things as bad to find "closure"...  that will not change the existence of love, and it will not lead to closure.  It will only deepen a wound to find more reasons to hate.

I've noted this at different times, and I hate to be repetitive, but it is applicable, here.  There are a couple movies that I can use as reference points for you to consider, as well as a book that I read in the past year.  The movies I would reference would be The Arrival and Interstellar.  The book would be The Dispossessed.  The concept would be this.  Things can be fixed and true in a period of time, even if time moves on and are not longer present.  It was true in that moment.  It was a true fact in the cycle of the story of life, regardless of the chronological march of time.  The dates may change, and events may not be in our view, but they are in fact ETCHED in the walls of time.  In those moments in my life, for example, I was happy and connected and joyful and peaceful and fulfilled.  It does not mean that I cannot be similarly happy in the future, but it also does not mean that those moments were bad.  It would in fact be a lie to say that they were not good.  So, rather than follow the way of the world to try to run away from feeling love for a moment in the past, which the struggle only proves the truth of the moment if you have to fight against it... embrace that life is not a straight line and includes change.

Finally, I'd simply say this.  Love is love.  It remains.  It does not mean you can only love one person.  It does not mean that you were bad to feel it.  It does not mean that it will remain, forever.  Let the past remain the past... the love in that moment worthy for the moment and live and love those around you in the current day... as well as those that are no longer part of the story.  Indeed, it may be an act of love for them to protect them from your own pain. Just  follow these words.. love always, no matter the outcome or the impact on you.. not for you but for them.  If you do that, your life will have meaning, and you can carry yourself high to walk into the story to come.

Boundaries

I'll start by saying there's nothing wrong with a romance or being in a relationship.  If you were lucky enough to find someone that respects you, desires you, supports you, and is committed to you, that is a good thing... assuming you feel the same.  However, not everyone has been so lucky.  For many of us, we ended up with people that abused us emotionally and more, neglected us, and were only with us for what they could get from us, til they could no more.  Then, when the well went dry, so did their "care" and interest.

I have not dated in over a year.  Partially, it was because I was addressing financial needs and relocating.  But, it was also from growth, and the longer I went not dating.. the more I grew.  It's like when your kids grow up.  At first, you feel like you are losing all that refined you, which is actually very sad.. tho many are not equipped to understand that.  But. After a few years, you rediscover who you are without them.  I've seen this not only in myself but almost every person I've met with grown kids.  Then, it gets liberating and is a joy to have an empty nest.

Similarly, the longer you go after being married, the more you discover yourself, again.  The longer you are married... or the more years you have been married of your life, the longer it takes to find yourself, again.  But, as you do, it is also very freeing.  You can choose what you want to wear, say, do etc without consulting someone else.  You can eat what you want or pick if you want to exercise based on yourself and what you desire, rather than being constantly fearful how someone will judge your body.  You can even choose to stay in your underwear and chill all day watching shows, without checking if your words and actions please others.  It takes time, and I still catch myself making choices or silencing myself for others, til I shake myself out of it and choose my life for me.

Will I have another relationship?  I don't know.  I do think it could be nice, but it will not look like what I grew up expecting and what is seen most of the time.  I'm not going to make pleasing them my source of happiness, nor do I want them to make pleasing me theirs.  I'd expect us both to ge happy about ourselves on our own and then jointly do things together that makes us both happy for shared experiences.  I'd expect a commitment to establish a feeling of security, though.  I don't want to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and them leave.. because maybe I have a different opinion or non shared interest.  In general, I don't want to go from the feeling of peaceful contentment I have, now, to feel eternally insecure and anxious.  It's LITERALLY not worth the change, if that's what I'd have in store.

We must learn to establish and respect boundaries, and when others fear or don't respect those boundaries, then the boundaries are trying to tell you something that you should heed.

Your life is your life, and take it from me that you may find one day that is all you have... so treat yourself well and be jealous of that care when you consider adding another.

Stand

We have just accepted the idea that if someone gets 49 percent of the vote and the other side gets 47 percent that the higher number party must be given absolute authority to dictate their morals upon the 47 percent and that the 47 percent's opinions doesn't matter... their objections don't matter.. their values don't matter.  Even if the winning party had 51 percent that's stupid.  Even if they had 90 percent, that's stupid.  Everyone matters.  Everyone has value.  Everyone is entitled to freedom to live their lives their way in their homes, their beds, and to speak their minds.

The little country of Ukraine has been fighting for years against a much bigger Russia that has been determined to extinguish the county of Ukraine.  People have been saying it couldn't win against Russia.  Yet, years later, it is not only still surviving but is causing damage far inside Russia, itself.  Despite many globally saying they just needed to accept Russian rule, they are still free.  They are still relevant.  They still matter.

People have been telling LGBTQ people that they are evil and that they shouldn't have freedom over their own bodies to live their way with love for people they are banned from loving.  Yet... they exist.  They continue being their way, even with condemnation and the condemnation is less every year... just like happened to blacks, women, witches, and more.

I've faced a lot of unwarranted condemnation by the actions of a few that wanted me to be seen as evil and to fail and be rejected in life.  For a while, I fought against the false witness and struggles that they caused, trying to convince their audience that I had value.  Yet, I learned very clearly that those who judge you WANT to judge you, and nothing you do will change their perspective.  It's better to just improve your situation and happiness, often by distancing yourself from your doubters and definitely by not respecting their opinion more than your own.  If you know you are right or good, STAND... be happy in yourself.  Grow.  Become what you desire in absence of their validation.  They lost the right to be part of the success that they didn't believe in or support.  

Your mood is in your hands.  Your success is in your power to execute by taking concrete actions.  Your future has never been in the power of others beyond your choice to bend to others assessment of your life over your own.  So, fk them.  Rise, yourself.  And as they will for your downfall, stand laughing your Karma of success, they will be busy facing their own Karma of criticism, soon enough.

Single

I got in trouble a few years ago on a singles FB group for saying that being single doesn't mean broken or incomplete and one could be happy and single, alone.  Holy fire rained down on me, and I was eventually expelled from the group for holding that position... even if it is not only true but much healthier than being with someone only because you are not respecting or loving yourself and need someone else to give it to you.  Trust me from experience that path will lead to disaster and back to where you began.

In both of my marriages, there was a similar problem.  I was giving an insane amount of effort and romance to someone who felt their only necessary participation was to receive it.  My beginning of asking for them to contribute was the end of the relationship, and it should have been a conversation much earlier, before I got so invested.

The flip side makes a very strong case.  When I was single before marriage, between marriages, and after, I focused on my own success and was happy and thriving.  When I was in a relationship, I literally was drained of my success built up prior and criticized and attacked by the very ones who took it all from me.

I'm not saying there cannot be a good relationship, and I hope others find it.  But, my lifelong experience tells me that the odds of a happy and prosperous life are much higher on my own, and even though I keep my eye open to a good match I'm less willing to surrender that foundation, unless I see something different than a half century to this point.

So.. I repeat.  Single doesn't mean broken or incomplete.  It doesn't mean you are failing the world by being a "single cat lady" either.  It may mean you have found your happiness without needing it to come from another, and that is quite an achievement in this world, today.

Successfully Un "Blessed"

As I enter into a highly prosperous present and future, I must reiterate that it was my own determination and actions that brought it about... not God.  And... I think that's God's plan.  Indeed.. I doubt very seriously if the hard, evangelical right would argue with me about that point.  

After all, they have been watching my every hiccup like a hawk to see of God would FINALLY put me in my place... because I dared to question religion and point out the hypocrisy of his church.  Their worldview MUST have a "good" side and a 'bad" side, which typically is whatever side that differs than their own image or preference.  That's how diversity... different lifestyles or cultures than theirs .. becomes an evil thing that must be silenced and exiled.. or controlled.

I've given them a lot of reasons to find me "evil" by defending witches, gays, trans people, opposing political parties, minorities and poor people.  So, my success, instead, must confuse them.  Every other day, I see people say that GOD will deliver and prosper them.  Most, actually, live lives with as much challenge that I face or more.  I chose, instead, to follow a logical path that says... well... to get to this destination I need to walk (myself) in that direction by doing A, B, C, etc.  Then, when I get there without the sky falling on me, they have to either say I should thank God for the results of my logical actions that brought it about or that the "devil" brought it about... because if MAN is responsible for their own lives, they would have a lot to answer for and a lot to do.

In the end of The Adjustment Bureau, the divine like figure rewrites "the plan" that had tried to separate them, because the couple chose to do it, anyways... and the movie concluded that maybe that was the plan, all along.. that we take responsibility for our own lives.

So.. hopefully, my life will serve as inspiration that if you're tired of praying without results that maybe "God" is waiting for you to make decisions and take actions in your own life... and thank yourself that you had the wisdom and will to finally be a mature human.

Who We Are and Who We're Not

 ""Who are YOU?” said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, “I–I hardly know, sir, just at present– at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”" Alice in Wonderland 

It's a valid point.  We all change.  We change from the struggles we face.  We change from what we learn about others and ourselves.  We change from disappointment and pain.. probably mostly that.  However, just like our skin completely replacing itself and our body maturing, who we are is not who we were or who we'll be.

One thing is for sure, though.  We are not who others say we are.  They often have a predetermined box they want to fit us in and will not see us in any other way.  If you try to show them who you've been, they'll just say that was an image you tried to show.  Further, the images of others that want to find fault in you will often not agree with each other.  At this moment if you believed my critics, I would be too hard and masculine, too soft and sensitive, too career focused, not career focused enough, too spiritual, not spiritual enough, too logical, not logical enough, too old, too young, too white, not white enough, too serious, too carefree... you get the point.  People decide to dislike you, and then they look for a reason to do so.  And,  if you don't give them one, they will make one.  Personally, I think it's better to spend your time with those looking for your good and reason to like you than those looking for flaws and who scowl or scoff at your attempts and steps to better yourself. 

Who are you?  You are whoever you want to be, because it's your wants and likes that distinguish you.  If you let others define that for you, you've lost your very own soul, sold to the highest bidder.  Better to live your life and decide your path, yourself.  Happiness doesn't come from surrendering yourself for those that only like you when you make them feel good.  Happiness comes from the peace of knowing you always have yourself as a fan and finding others who agree.