Be True to You

I want to step back to note something I noted weeks ago and has not ceased to be true but was not the most recent focus.  I was covering it, back when I was talking about boundaries a lot, and I think it bears repeating.  One of the first things that you need to do is take time to learn about yourself and what you need, and then you need to establish limits upon yourself to make sure you fulfill those needs.. and that is called setting boundaries upon yourself.  Sometimes, that is boundaries to preserve your money or your time.  However, if you did take the time to learn about yourself, those boundaries must keep those realities in mind.

I have spent a lot of time talking about improving yourself in recent weeks, as I have been making strides in that process, myself.  However, there is a difference between becoming the best YOU that you can be and becoming someone else's dream of what they would like you to be for them.  If you were to go down that path and curtail your own neeeds just to gain favor of someone else or set aside your needs for the wants or needs of others, you would find yourself right back into the same house of cards that has so often collapsed, in your past.

For example, I have been focusing on reason and logic and the brain to guide your steps, and that is a much more successful guide than emotions that can lead you astray.  HOWEVER, that has not and will not change the fact that in any romantic relationship that I will have, there must be an open exchange of emotions and flirting and care and more, or I would see no reason to be in such a relationship.  My focus on reason is not a substitute or acceptable alternative to me.  It is a guard to move me forward UNTIL such time as I feel safe to open up to what I truly desire.  I will not drop that guard, until that time and location so presents itself.  Until then, I will focus on other needs and see them done.

So, this blog post is a reminder that the first place to start in recovering and rebuilding your life is to first determine what it is that you need to be happy.  Then, you make step by step moves in a plan to get you to where you can find a good foundation in yourself, be balanced and happy on your own, and wait til and if something comes along that does meet your needs.  To do anything else is just to repeat broken cycles that lead you to the same outcomes, again and again.

Fly

Lunch time blog post to touch on and expand something I said on social media a few dys ago.

A couple years ago, I left Florida to come to Oklahoma, and a big part of why that was at the time was that I had just gone through two big eye operations, each requiring a month of face down time following, and had gone through it alone.  I felt like that should change, so I took a job offer that was closer to my mom and sister.  

Yet, upon reflecting on that the other day, I realize that first of all I DID go through that in Florida and made it all work just fine by trasfering money, arranging for grocery deliveries, applying my own eye drops, and more.  Further, I realize that upon getting here, I have STILL been taking care of my own needs for the most part... as well as providing to help the needs of others.  From a care taking perspective, where I am now is not that different from where I was living in Florida.

I don't say that to say ... woe is me that no one is caring for me.  I am actually concluding the reverse.  I hesitate to assign the steps that led me to this conclusion to God, so I will just say the universe or circumstances.  But, lets consider how nature teaches the young.  An older lion will let the younger learn to hunt.  A mother bird will kick the young out of the nest to learn to fly.  Nature doesn't cradle those learning but expects them to ... learn.. and believe that they can do it.

It is not till you have to rely on the strength of your own wings that you learn to have peace in your ability.  So, the universe was looking at me feeling broken and unable after the eye surgeries and rather than allowing me a soft place to fall and people to look after me I was given challenge after challenge.  Even on the road to get here I had to repair the car twice.  Then, once here, I was pushed out of my government job by Trump cuts and had to find new work and work hard at it.  And, I rose to the ocassion.  Each time there as a new challenge, I was forced to rely upon myself for funding, comfort, recovery, inspiration, care, and to develop boundaries to look out for myself.  Now, I have no doubt, as I used not to have any doubt, that I am able, all by myself, to not only survive life but thrive.  And, I will carry that knowledge and ability into every new challenge that faces me in the days and months to come.

Let Freedom Ring

This weekend, I celebrate freedom, as the holiday was designed to do.  As such I celebrate all kinds of freedom, including the kinds that are at threat of control by many of those that are celebrating it loudest.

I celebrate the freedom to choose your own faith, which was a freedom sought by many of our first founders. That faith can be non Christian or no faith at all.  You are free to choose to believe whatever you like.

I celebrate the freedom to say what you want to say without getting approval from someone else, including the freedom to speak out against the current government without facing penalty.

I celebrate the freedom to love who you want to love and choose your own romantic partner or to choose to live without one.  You can have children or choose not to have children.  

I celebrate the freedom to read what I want and watch what I want, even if it is spicy and to enjoy my own body or the body of someone else that also chooses it, as well.  And, we would be free to decide what that means.

I celebrate the freedom to drink alcohol and have fun or to sit at home and do a puzzle if I am so inclined... including the freedom to do that instead of watching fireworks because I might not be feeling it under the current regime.

Whatever you choose to do with your life or whatever you choose to do for this weekend, I celebrate that you still have the freedom to choose it,  yourself.

You are.. You

There's a cute little saying that I've heard and been tempted in the past to believe that says you are the sun of your five closest connections.  That sounds nice, especially to extroverted people with a lot of connections.   But, I no longer believe it is healthy to define yourself by others.

Why?  I have had a lot of different life stages in my life, and I have had my whole social world change many times, including recent years.  If your identity is based on others, such kinds of changes can make you feel like your whole identity is stripped away, but in rebuilding myself each time I found my foundation in... myself.  

I would take time to remember what it was that I liked and wanted and enjoyed, not having to check with anyone else, first.  That allowed me to become someone that laughed and lived life on my own,  which inevitably would attract someone.  At that point, believing the social identity principle, I would change to be more like them and the cycle could start all over again.

In my own life, this cycle will never start again.  I plan to continue to be me,  even if I ever get in a new relationship.  If that makes others upset that wants to mold me, they can walk away.  But, if someone is going to love me, they are going to love ME.

So, I hope you realize you are not the sum of others.  You are you, and the right people will appreciate that person and support you, as you.  Then, YOU can give to those other 5 people a breath of fresh air that they might just be looking to meet.

Yes, You Can Live Single and Be Happy

I spend a lot of time blogging about things that intersect with relationships, and at times I have blogged about preparing yourself for one, being in one, and more.  So, someone could assume that the path to happiness must include one.  I want this post to break that assumption.  You can live happily as a single person, dating or not.

An actress made headlines this year by saying she was not ever going to share her residence with a man, again.  She said she liked her space and her way of living in it.  She didn't say she wasn't going to not date.. only not share the home with them.  Lately, I've come to remember and value that in my own life.  The times that I spent years on my own, wearing what I wanted, eating what I wanted, watching what I wanted and doing what I wanted, without needing to check with someone about time at home or out or shared resources.  

The actress is not alone in this.  It is a growing movement where people date or even get married without living together.  There is a long list of celebrity couples that are well known as a couple and are married but live in different homes.  This list includes Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, and others.

However, you don't have to even be married or in a relationship to be happy.  You can simply be you and live your life without a partner.  Years ago, I had a medical issue, and I was alone and felt that I should either be in a relationship or near family for things like that.  However, that was society conditioning.  If I paused to use reason, I could have realized I could expand my friendships to moments like that or even PAY someone to help when I had the need.  You shouldn't be in a relationship just to have a taxi or a nurse.  You should be with someone, because you love them.

Now, the result of all of the above and the modernized society in which we live means no two people's life will look the same, no two residences, no two couples; and I think that's only natural.  No two people are the same, so it is only natural that as we pursue our path to happiness the result will not look wholly like ANYONE else.  But, in the end you will be happy, and isn't that the point?

Planning for a Happy Other After

I have two blog posts to write, tonight.  They are very different themes, and the next one will be more comfortable for you.  This one will challenge you and will probably piss off half my readers at first, but it is something that I have concluded is very important on the road to happiness... even for those that will be offended.  So... since that's kinda my thing a lot of time, let's just right into that one, first.

This blog post deals with the important role that doubt plays in your planning and direction of life.  I can hear the faith crowd cringe, already.. but stick with me, and you will have to agree from your own life experience.

I get it.  I was like you, SO many different times in my life.  I felt compelled to believe in my pursuits and situations, and having been taught in church sermons and Bible classes, I felt that it was a personal failure on my part to even THINK that it might not turn out as I wanted it to turn out.  Indeed, so many faith preachers would tell you that it is the doubt that would cause it to not come true.  You HAD to believe and not entertain any thoughts that it could not happen.  Yet, again and again over my life, it DIDN'T happen, and by the time that it didn't happen, I had dedicated a lot of time and resources into what even I could have admitted was not working, had I looked at it objectively, and walked away before it would break me from the attempt.  Imagine if scientists or accountants operated that way and said, "It's not working and hasn't worked, but by god we are going to just keep doing it, anyways."  That would be foolish and not in the best interests of anyone or anything other than satisfying... faith.

Doubt gets a bad rep.  Failure gets one, too.  Both does not mean that you need to have an unhappy life, and in fact are themselves the KEY to maintaining a happy one.  How?  Well, I can look back over my decades, and I am sure that you can do so in your own life examples; and I can see that HAD I entertained the possibility that things would NOT turn out the way that I had planned, I could have had the self respect and boundaries enough to retain more for myself and establish roots and plans and paths for myself that did not depend upon what was hoped coming true.

Indeed, I can look back over my life and look at periods of being truly happy on my own without someone else in my life.  Unlike memories that also included another person in them, those happy memories do not fade or go away, simply because someone is no longer in my life.  They maintain their happy glow without also including sorrow.  But, it doesn't mean that you have to be single for that to be true.  If you have the sense to have boundaries IN a relationship or connection with someone and insist upon having happy hobbies and time APART from the other person, while being in a relationship with them, those memories and times will ALSO maintain their happy glow, with or without them.

As I have been exploring and implementing my own personal boundaries, I have been reflecting on those things in my past that were objectively happy and where and what those things were.  I have also been taking personal times doing happy things that does not include anyone else.  I will continue to explore those memories and activities and make choices in light of what I am learning from that.  Does it mean that I will not hold out hope in finding someone, one day?  No.  I will continue to believe and do believe it will happen for me, again.  But, to return to my main point and drive it home, I will PLAN on a happy OTHER after if it NEVER happens.  I will not hold my breath or joy for something that may never happen but will plan on making my own happiness and finding happiness in whatever path my life will take.  And, I hope that you will welcome doubt in your own plans to do so, as well.

People buy life an health insurance plans and write wills and end of life plans, while yet hoping to live their lives in full.  I hope that you find your goals, but more so I hope that you will be grounded enough to prepare in the even that it doesn't happen that way.  Your happiness should not depend on faith, alone.  Unless you want the kind of rocky and jagged existence that I have too often faced, I hope you welcome doubt in your planning, as well. 

Risk and Reward

The other day, I picked a month in my FB memories and went year by year from 2011 forward for several years to see what I had posted in those months.  It was a good reminder of both memories and of concepts.  There was one of the posts that was a quote from the animated Xmen 97 show episode 2 in which the older Jubilee says..

"I know a part of you wants to hang here. It's nice knowing how every stage ends. No surprises. No twists. It always stays the same. But that's not living. Living doesn't get cheat codes or extra lives. But it has friends and family. Love, loss, and heapings of hope. Life's a total risk and it's on you."

Then, the next day, I saw a quote from The Little Prince book that said..

"Of course I'll hurt you.  Of course you'll hurt me.  Of course we'll hurt each other.  But, this is the very condition of existance.  To become Spring, means accepting the risk of winter.  To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence."

I've actually covered this concept many, many times over the years in my blogs, but I have not been of a mental state to receive it for a while.  You cannot advance without risk.  An online counselor that I follow had a video the other day speaking about how if you want to have peace you need to be ok with letting others misunderstand you.  In Serendipity, Jonathan's friend quotes Epictitus saying that if you want to improve you have to be ok with being thought foolish and stupid.  Growth and improvement rarely come with applause.  More people want you to fall on your face than to see you succeed, and many are not able to understand your own personal successes, even if they weren't so distracted by seeking their own.  So, take the risk, but don't expect an audience or ... likes.

But, as you take your risk, I would like to instill one important counter point, which I have often said in saying the value of the attempt does not  rely upon the result.  It is a VERY good thing to always be trying and seeking to improve and reach what you need to be happy.  But, in that pursuit, it can be disheartening, and there is a a temptation that comes in along the way that says, "This is the best you can expect, so just take it," even if the person is not particularly interested in you beyond how you can meet their desires.  You deserve someone that finds you... YOU, not what you give them.. fascinating and wonderful.  You deserve someone that will make an effort to win you, to keep you, and will fight to not lose you.  Do not ever feel that you must settle for what will only leave you feeling alone or lacking IN a relationship, especially when you can find more happiness SINGLE. 

There was an exchange in the 2nd episode of Testaments where one girl said to another that she didn't want to be married and didn't want a husband.  The other was shocked and said, "What would you do?"  It is so sad that so many feel this way, even now.   I have lived enough of my life single to know and have rediscovered in recent months that you can still go out to eat at restaurants on your own, go to ball games on your own, go to concerts on your own, etc... or go and do those things with friends.  You do not need to be in a relationship to have them and definitely not be married.  I am open to being in a relationship that makes me feel safe and happy and allows me to make someone else feel safe and happy, if it works with my attachment style and love languages.   However, I am not going to rush into anything and feel like I have to see it through, simply because that is the general default of society.  Like most single people of an older age, I have done the period of kids and family, and I don't need to have a wife to have a happy life... though not everyone can understand that.. especially anyone in their early decades.... thus.. be content to be misunderstood.

So, to sum this up, you DO need to risk, if you are going to seek reward; however, you do NOT need to have that risk limit your own happiness or what is the point?  Risk, but always remember that YOU are the one making the risk for YOUR goals, not those of anyone else.

Know Thyself

People will tell you, wisely, after a breakup to take time to reflect and grow.  It is very good in this period to be very real with yourself and find ways you can improve or ways that you were different and so on.  However, I do not think this should be relegated to after breakups but before, as well.

From a lifetime of experience in reflection and without any details, I can tell you that one thing I see as a flaw in myself was not really taking the time to know myself and what it is that I need.  Or, if I did, I would set that aside and feel that I could make it work, differently, because I felt they were so special.

One counselor that I see video clips from online said one thing that I feel is a good thing to remember, "just because someone is a good person does not mean they are your person."  We need to make sure to use our mind to limit our hormones or emotions, otherwise you will face as I have a lifetime of consequences of not doing that, first.

People are different, and that is a good thing.  Not all differences are deal breakers, but some that relate to emotional needs and abilities are.  So, be careful as you move forward in life.  There is nothing wrong with staying single and enjoying the person you are and love.  Sometimes, you discover you aren't broken just in the wrong circles or audience.  I hope you have a good weekend .. even if only by yourself.

Smile Moments in My Week

I'm slightly altering my no personal details rule.  I am still going to be keeping close relationship details of my past or what may come about sometime in the future private, or things related to my family private, unless there is a good thing that all involved has authorized and is safe to share.. that would be a very tight exception on an otherwise non share.  However, I want to start sharing moments that just made me happy in my week that do not fit in the above categories.  So, here's some happy moments in the last weekend and week.

Cooking- I have really come to enjoy experimenting with cooking and making yummy food.  I made a great fish meal two different nights with a different combination of spices and veggies.  I think both were a hit for flavor.

Fitness- I walked a couple incredible photo walks around Gathering Place and Riverside and expanded my gym time to include more and different equipment.  I like feeling healthier and my jeans are now so loose I could probably drop a pant size.

Out and About- I did a couple meetup groups events, including one on Margarita day and had a great margarita and met and heard stories from some interesting people.  After the trivia night, I wandered over and checked out Valkyrie bar for the first time and had a great drink there.

I made a couple playlists that were fun to make and like that my new focus in recent weeks has been more positive in them.  

I saw and shared a lot of great Instagram pics including ones that were inspirational and some that were sexy.  I like being able to openly be as "dirty minded" as I can be.. being single has that liberty.  I'm also less driven to be in a relationship but more interested in just having fun being me.. though I'm not opposed to relationships... someday.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but those made me smile.

There were other not so fun moments like doing taxes ..  ha.  But, doing this post series will be a good addition to my blog.

Curiosity and Wonder and Peace

Without giving any particular personal details, I do want to talk in general about where I am and how I am feeling in my mentality shift.  It will not be critical of others or reference the past more than to generally reflect on how I used to think about things compared to how I currently think about things.

I used to feel that since I valued love that the highest form of existence was to be in a relationship, so I felt that it I wasn't in a relationship that it meant that I was in a state of being broken, and I felt.. even when I was content on being single and on my own.. that ultimately that full healing would come after I resumed love with someone.  I know that many feel the same way, and I know that it can be possible to be healed and in a relationship and happy.  However, even then, I believe that seeing anyone as the source of your healing only gives them the power to rip open that wound at any time and puts the key to happiness in someone else's hands, as well as giving them too much responsibility or blame or credit.

This time processing has taken a different feel and depth to it than has in prior times.  I feel that I touched on the ways that I am feeling at different times in the past, but I feel that this transformation has been more... evolutionary... becoming the next level of what I was meant to be.

For example, it took me a while to want to use dating apps, again.  However, when I did, it has been accompanied by a lack of respect for them, as I have seen how the dating apps have so many risks and flaws.  I don't approach them as the solution but as a way to see interesting people.  And, more importantly, as I have taken time to fall in love with myself and my interests, I approach the dating apps and scene as a distraction to my already happy life.  I am not opposed to using the apps or having conversations, but they are just another way to interact with people and experience life.

Similarly, I have started using MeetUp app to get out of the house to do events.  For those that don't know, it is not a dating app but is a way for people to look for events that others are doing and to join them and to meet interesting people and have fun without the pressure or anxiety of meeting others or being good enough for them.  You can just be blatant and fully yourself and have conversations with people that you may not ever talk to again or will just develop friendships with them.. both genders.  I have met the most interesting people over my years of doing it and learn things that I never knew, before.  These things are ways to help you go grow and become what you like, as you learn what you like, too. 

In years past, I met people that lived on house boats or came from other  cities and visited other countries that I have never been and knew little about.  Recently, I heard some very interesting things about Vietnam and Cambodia, but I have also learned things about my own city that I never knew, as well.  And, I had fun.. a lot... and it wasn't tied with whether I was good enough for anyone or walked away from there as other than being single.  It almost makes me want to remain single to keep doing it, in fact.

So, I am not posting this about not being in a relationship.  That can be very good, as well.  But, I am posting this to say.. don't rush it and even when you do start dating and get in one, take into it the curious person full of wonder and peace that you met and became, along the way.  Or don't... I don't have power over your life and should not.  I'm just openly speaking what I have come to understand, personally, along my own path.

The Adventure Ahead

I'm sure we all remember that line in The Hobbit when his neighbors asked him where he was going and Bilbo shouted back, "I'm going on adventure."  Typically, the adventures of our life are not met with such enthusiasm.  Most of the time, an adventure is more like someone facing a scary and unsure future, but they know they must move ahead and face new experiences.  Even if you know that doing so is best for you and is better than "a life standing still" to quote Beautiful Creatures, it is stepping out of your comfort zone and the walls that were erected to protect you.

I'm slowly stepping back out into the dating world.  I do not intend to comment on how I am single or my past and will not reference my experiences in my posts about dating.  But, I have been learning several concepts in my experiences and my time apart to reflect and grow.  I didn't exhibit all of them all of the time in the past and have made and learned from a lot of mistakes as well as joys.  But, how else do you.. can you... learn but from venturing forth and paying attention to how things go and feel both inside you and outside you.  So, I hope as we venture forth, together, we will find our happy paths.

1.  The first thing that I think is very important for you to know is this.  You do not need a relationship.  If you feel that you do, I would say that you have not spent enough time alone to learn to love yourself and find happiness in yourself.  In my opinion, the point of a relationship is not to find someone that will love you but to  ind someone that you can share out of the love that you have for yourself to them, as well.  It was only after I took some time to explore myself and love myself and allow myself to BE myself that I found the balance and stability that I often sought in another.  I would recommend that you do the same.

2.  Boundaries.  People have been speaking to me about boundaries for a long time, and I have not fully understood or appreciated them to the degree they deserve.  More importantly, I have not ERECTED or ENFORCED boundaries as often as I should.  Not everyone is designed for your closeness, and you are not designed for the closeness of everyone, else... maybe as a friend but not necessarily more.  This is where it is important to use your mind to rule your heart.  Your heart doesn't like to be stifled, and it will often rebel thinking that emotion is more real.  At least that is how some people like myself can often feel.  But, the heart that feels that can lead to difficult to impossible situations.  It is important, I have learned, to say no at times, even if you feel something, to avoid a logical obstacle, roadblock, or source of friction.  So, boundaries are not just limits you place on others but more often limits you place upon yourself.  And, it applies to dating in that you should take your time and not go quickly that seem or feel right.  Take your time and be willing to walk away and be accepting if they do.

3.  Be curious.   Not everyone is going to be like you, and that is ok.  Not everyone is going to be what you are used to dating, and that in my opinion can be better.  You will see them as a fresh adventure and not a repeat of anyone else.  However, the point of dating someone is not just to experience new things, just as the point of a relationship is not just to care for someone in need.  You can do both of those things as a friend.  The point of a relationship is to find a partner to walk beside you, on good days and bad.

I have a lot more I could say, but that is enough for now.  I am giving advice as I have come to see it, but I will quickly say that I do not know enough and have much to learn.  So, if you disagree with what I say, that is fine.  You might be right.  But, I hope what I DO say will help someone else, along the way.

Just Be

Do you know how change happens?  If you're like most people, you think it happens through conflict.  I've believed that, many times.  Don't get me wrong, there is a conflict element to it, as it happens.  But, conflict is not where the CHANGE takes place.  Change takes place as one person at a time just... changes.  Whether or not others criticize it is irrelevant.  Then, someone else sees your change and feels more willing to change...and so on and so forth.

The thing is, though... they don't follow your example for your fight to be accepted.  They follow your example MOST when they see you happy and content.  Your critics KNOW this, because their biggest story about you to themselves and others is that you're unhappy if you are not married, Christian, straight, or any other variation from their prepacked existence.  Their biggest FEAR is not that you'll fail but that you'll succeed and be happy without the story, because that makes them question their own acceptance of the packaged life, as well.

But... that's not our problem, and it's not our intention.. and should not occupy our minds, just because others bitterly defend... themselves.  Our focus should be, instead, making our lives as happy being ourselves as possible, which will in turn create the biggest change in the world we leave in our wake.

Boundaries

I'll start by saying there's nothing wrong with a romance or being in a relationship.  If you were lucky enough to find someone that respects you, desires you, supports you, and is committed to you, that is a good thing... assuming you feel the same.  However, not everyone has been so lucky.  For many of us, we ended up with people that abused us emotionally and more, neglected us, and were only with us for what they could get from us, til they could no more.  Then, when the well went dry, so did their "care" and interest.

I have not dated in over a year.  Partially, it was because I was addressing financial needs and relocating.  But, it was also from growth, and the longer I went not dating.. the more I grew.  It's like when your kids grow up.  At first, you feel like you are losing all that refined you, which is actually very sad.. tho many are not equipped to understand that.  But. After a few years, you rediscover who you are without them.  I've seen this not only in myself but almost every person I've met with grown kids.  Then, it gets liberating and is a joy to have an empty nest.

Similarly, the longer you go after being married, the more you discover yourself, again.  The longer you are married... or the more years you have been married of your life, the longer it takes to find yourself, again.  But, as you do, it is also very freeing.  You can choose what you want to wear, say, do etc without consulting someone else.  You can eat what you want or pick if you want to exercise based on yourself and what you desire, rather than being constantly fearful how someone will judge your body.  You can even choose to stay in your underwear and chill all day watching shows, without checking if your words and actions please others.  It takes time, and I still catch myself making choices or silencing myself for others, til I shake myself out of it and choose my life for me.

Will I have another relationship?  I don't know.  I do think it could be nice, but it will not look like what I grew up expecting and what is seen most of the time.  I'm not going to make pleasing them my source of happiness, nor do I want them to make pleasing me theirs.  I'd expect us both to ge happy about ourselves on our own and then jointly do things together that makes us both happy for shared experiences.  I'd expect a commitment to establish a feeling of security, though.  I don't want to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and them leave.. because maybe I have a different opinion or non shared interest.  In general, I don't want to go from the feeling of peaceful contentment I have, now, to feel eternally insecure and anxious.  It's LITERALLY not worth the change, if that's what I'd have in store.

We must learn to establish and respect boundaries, and when others fear or don't respect those boundaries, then the boundaries are trying to tell you something that you should heed.

Your life is your life, and take it from me that you may find one day that is all you have... so treat yourself well and be jealous of that care when you consider adding another.

Boxes

Many have heard about Schrodinger's Cat philosophy metaphor.  For those who haven't and to butcher it in simplification, when a cat is in a box that is closed, it is both alive and dead to those outside, til the box is opened and the actual state is known.  Til that point, both are real to others.  I'll come back to this..

We live in so many boxes over our lives... from the moment we are born.  We are male, female, Caucasian (that term will need changing to be honest), black, white, rich, poor, Midwestern, American, Hispanic, Asian, and so on and so forth.  When we enter the world, we have no idea what that means.  We are TAUGHT what people SAY it means.  We are also taught this is "normal" and this is not, this is the god you should be good for and how to do it.  These are the things you should fear.  Indeed... fear is a big one used to direct people.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't avoid danger or harm, but you don't need fear for that.  Wisdom will suffice.

Every year, I watch The Village in October as qe near Halloween.  I will do so this week or weekend, as well.  It is an amazing movie for more than having one of the sexiest actresses out there.. Dallas Bryce Howard.  The series focuses on an old style community that lives a simple life and follows simple rules to protect them, such as avoiding the "bad color" and not going outside the border, otherwise the evil creature will get them.  If you have not seen it and will stop here and go see it and return.  I must give spoilers to make my point. 

As the story unfolds, the "beast" starts coming and leaving dead animals all around and a young man is stabbed by a mentally challenged another young man. To save  her dying friend, a blind girl chooses to travel to another village to get medicine.  But, to allow her to travel, her father and village elders must tell her the truth... there is no beast.  It is a costume that they wear to keep people doing what they want them to do.  In truth, it is modern day, and they pretend it is an old age to create the society they desire on land that they own.

I tell this to make a point.  Until the blind girl hears this, it is real to her... all of it.  Then, the blind girl sees more than most others with eyes.  She did what she was told, and her life and the village WAS the embodiment of the lie... even if it wasn't true.  It was REAL because the box was closed... much like the boxes the elders had to keep their objects from their old life.

We live in the boxes others define for us.  We fear things,  and that fear produces real reactions by ourselves and others that judge us by the boxes... but.. here's the thing.  The pretty and shiny box... isn't real.  It is created.  And, if you travel from one city to another, one country to another, and so on... the boxes are different and the reality is different... but all because they keep the boxes closed and unchallenged.

I've learned enough in my life to know you can't change all the world.  People love their boxes, and they will even try to force you to fit in their boxes.  But, I've also learned you can change YOUR world as simply as saying... you know... I think I'll choose another box or no box at all... but choosing ANY other box will make finding a center more easy.

Until you open your box of your life,  you are...whatever you want to be.  And, all of those are real and can lead you to your own happiness,  even if it takes living apart from others trying to fit you in theirs.  So, take comfort and liberation in that realization and choose a box and life that leads you to life not fear and condemnation.

Single

I got in trouble a few years ago on a singles FB group for saying that being single doesn't mean broken or incomplete and one could be happy and single, alone.  Holy fire rained down on me, and I was eventually expelled from the group for holding that position... even if it is not only true but much healthier than being with someone only because you are not respecting or loving yourself and need someone else to give it to you.  Trust me from experience that path will lead to disaster and back to where you began.

In both of my marriages, there was a similar problem.  I was giving an insane amount of effort and romance to someone who felt their only necessary participation was to receive it.  My beginning of asking for them to contribute was the end of the relationship, and it should have been a conversation much earlier, before I got so invested.

The flip side makes a very strong case.  When I was single before marriage, between marriages, and after, I focused on my own success and was happy and thriving.  When I was in a relationship, I literally was drained of my success built up prior and criticized and attacked by the very ones who took it all from me.

I'm not saying there cannot be a good relationship, and I hope others find it.  But, my lifelong experience tells me that the odds of a happy and prosperous life are much higher on my own, and even though I keep my eye open to a good match I'm less willing to surrender that foundation, unless I see something different than a half century to this point.

So.. I repeat.  Single doesn't mean broken or incomplete.  It doesn't mean you are failing the world by being a "single cat lady" either.  It may mean you have found your happiness without needing it to come from another, and that is quite an achievement in this world, today.

Successfully Single

First of two blogs I have planned for tonight.  I waited to watch a few Lady Jane Grey episodes.  If you haven't seen it on Amazon Prime, I highly recommend it.  So good.

Anyway.. to begin.  Earlier today in a social media share, I used the phrase "successfully single" ... it was saying what would be wrong with someone to be attractive, intelligent, successful and yet single.  I shared saying why must we assume there's something wrong with being successfully single.  It's true on both interpretations of that... successful and single and being successful at being single.  But, I do think it warrants explaining what SINGLE.... is.

Single doesn't mean abstinence ... it's not being a monk with no sexual or romantic interests or activities.  It simply means not in a relationship.  Until you get in a relationship, you are...in fact.. single, even as you explore with vigor and the ability to chart your own future.  

Florida for the last few years taught me a lot... a lot that I think many Midwestern people have no basis for understanding.  When you are raised with the expectation that the culmination of life is getting married and having kids, you can feel your life is over when that happens pr when that leaves.  But, I experienced for years, there, a different reality... where people would go out, drink and talk with strangers, have a fun night and start all over another night. Or... going on a date and having interesting conversation with someone you knew you'd never see again.  But... it was a fun night.

Especially when you are older and the prospect of having new children is no longer a factor, everything changes.  And, most if not all that are older and single have had enough with the pain of relationship failures and just want... a good evening to forget everything and have fun.

Also, there was a book I've referenced in the past called Choosing to Cheat... written by a minister of all things, I believe.  It said that you can either be successful at a career or a relationship but not both.. so you choose to cheat yourself at both to balance.  But.. what if you didn't have to choose?

More and more,  I think Charlie on Two and a Half Men had it right.. especially after my ending result of relationships.  Someone may eventually convince me to settle down... maybe.. but I intend to explore in all meanings what can happen if you choose your own success and happiness, instead... and that will include flirting and fun, along the way.

Wasted Days

I've learned a lot of lessons over my life, but this one might be most important to share to help others.  Don't waste your life chasing things not meant right be.

I get it.  It's hard to do.  If you're like me, you put everything of yourself into the things you felt worthy to attempt. You don't want to acknowledge it not working .. in PART because it means you made a mistake in choosing the attempt. But, if you spend all your time chasing or mourning what didn't work, you are losing hours and days you can be happy without them.  Notice I didn't say with someone else.  You have to be happy on your own without them, or you'll be looking to the new person to do that the last didn't, which is not fair to you or the new person.

Unfortunately, you can't know if something works or not without trying.  So, you have to keep trying with an open mind at the start but also being objective... not looking for faults just being realistic.. and willing to walk away if it only seems to drain or harm you without adding anything back to you... not rushing to judgment but when you get a clear enough picture to know..  it's always going to be like this.  I'd also suggest taking your time to get too close.  That way, it's easier to walk away if bad without causing anyone harm.  So.. like dating, I'd suggest dating or talking to more than one casually.  If someone you just met has a problem with that, they are going too fast and may just be looking to use YOU to get over or replace someone else... they don't know you enough to be that close, yet.  

If you take your time and just have fun exploring, you won't find yourself years down the road with someone that only takes from you but you married them, anyways, and then feel obligated to stay.  Honestly... divorce has gotten a bad rap.  If someone is suffering in a relationship, being single can be very healing to them, and it is definitely better for those suffering abuse or more.

Another Christian era restriction that MOST if not all older people disregard is no sex til marriage.  I dont think I've EVER met a divorced woman that still believes that.  Sex is something you'll be doing a lot and NOT for reproduction at that age.  So, you better know you'd like doing it with them...the closeness.. the quiet whispers or kisses... I'm not talking about technique.  So, it's am important part of being able to consider BEFORE you make a long term commitment.

There is a lot of steps that goes into dating in older ages, and most you meet are still figuring it out, themselves.  But, you'll save yourself a lot of wasted days to take your time having fun while trying... or if you expect perfection off the bat you won't even like trying at all and waste time you could have fun with it, as well.

Go For It But Learn

My philosophy.. especially lately.. is to always try things and see if it responds back to you.  I don't just mean romantically or friendship but location and situation.

You've heard me blog about the principle of resonance and how you can ring and ring but if something is not like you it won't ring any bells in them, too.  But, the tricky thing about resonance, though, is you cannot know if it is there til you try for it. 

However, the lesson that I've always been slow at learning is if there is not resonance, you need to stop sitting there banging your bell, expecting something to happen.  I'm getting better at it, but it took almost 4 years of almost monthly crisis for me to realize that Florida was not working for me. I know that I wanted to be here with my child, but I would end up having to work so hard to try to meet the expenses that you find in Florida that I was always working, even on weekends when I often had them.  And, I was always struggling to be able to afford presents and to enjoy the time that I had with them.

If I had spent the time in Oklahoma, instead, I could have afforded trips down to see them very often, more expensive gifts, and probably a better relationship overall. I thought it would be a good gesture that they would have seen about me coming down to spend my time near them when all they wanted to was be able to talk to me every now and then and for me to give them space to grow as a young as a growing teen.

There was five years that she's lived with me mainly for custody, and her mother didn't move to be close to us.  I thought my being here would have been something that would have meant something. 

But, look at now...even though their mother didn't make the journey to live near them, during those 5 years, they now have a semi functional relationship and they are currently living in her house.  So, those 5 years didn't obviously do much damage. If I had, instead, stayed in Oklahoma, built up a good career with good money and possibly even established a good family there, they would have been much more happy coming to visit for summers and winters and be able to live the kind of income lifestyle that I know is one of the reasons that they like to live with their mom. Sometimes, sacrifice for someone else us not for someone else but their perception of you, and sometimes it's just stupid.

If you feel you are trying over and over and not seeing resonance with your plan, it sounds like you're on the wrong plan and need to make some adjustments.  That's what I'm doing, now.  And,  I will be more quick to judge things by what results or efforts I see or lack thereof than just on hope and desire to see.  And, I will only invest my time in things that I feel working back with me.

Single Freedom

 Single.. single.. single..

That was the embarrassing shout of the carnival operator at the ferris wheel in Never Been Kissed, where Drew Barrymore was pretending to be a high school student for a story.  I think she asked him not to say it that way, because it embarrassed her.

Isn't that us?  We feel embarrassed to be single.  In fact, if you find a "singles" group out there in FB or otherwise, it is probably intended to CHANGE that status.  I remember when I was in one of those groups and posted the idea that being single was ok all by itself and that you could stay happy single, I was attacked by the group leaders and others that demanded that you MUST be LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

There is a funny movie that I should watch again called The Lobster starring Colin Ferrell.  In that movie, you had to find someone to mate with or you would be transformed into an animal of your choice.  In one scene the star says that a dog that he has was his brother that didn't find someone.  There is SUCH a demand that you must be a part of a couple.  I know that as a person that loves music, it is VERY hard to find music that is not about finding someone, hurting from someone, or such.

In my recent more cynical vibe, I have found much more peace, actually, in not seeking that.  We spend so much of our lives feeling inadequate for someone in the past, someone in the future, or in comparison to others in society.  When you finally say... fk it.. and just love yourself being yourself, it is transformational.  

But, even before that moment, I had moments of joy being single, and I am sure that everyone that was single or is single can testify.  I get up and can wear what I want.  I can go work and use my phone for fun and not worrying about whether someone is texting me.  I come home and can watch what I want, drink what I want, etc.  I can scope out someone sexy when I am out or look at porn or enjoy looking at sexy stars in my movies and shows.  I don't have to check with someone before I tell someone what I believe, and I don't have constant fear that something will end.

Will it ever change.. maybe.  But, I want you to get this... being single isn't a sin, and it isn't being broken.  It is being how you were made... period.  And, that person is good... so stop pretending it isn't.  Enjoy yourself, but better yet BE YOURSELF to the world.  Let that light shine, and stop feeling that you are incomplete til you find someone to limit you.  Single freedom is a treasure not to be surrendered, til someone is worth the sacrifice.

Be Happy Alone

 I know it’s very off trend, especially in this time before holidays.  But, you can be happy as a single person.  Am I suggesting that forever?  No.  But, bowing to pressure to be a couple is the story in part of how I ended up with two bad matches for my emotional needs.. my 2nd ex was literally proposed to at Christmas.

I am very slowly building up this blog into a vision I have in my head without the time to focus on it, so it will take some time.  But, while I will include some elements that the romantic will like, I plan to also include a roadmap to happiness if you remain single.  I may be in that camp, for all I know.  

You can be single and be happy.  You can buy yourself flowers as Miley says.  You can sexually satisfy your self as Inna and Hailee Steinfeld sing and of which Emma Watson calls being “self partnered” in Vogue.

It has taken me years to get to the point of being confident that I can be happy single to wait til it feels right and be able to walk away if not.  Funny, isn’t it?  You have all this feeling of need to find someone after something ends, but once you discover self love you lose that need and only then are you ready to find someone.

But, make connections to friends.  They are more important than a mate to have in your life.  And, if you need a friend, reach out to me.  I’ll be your friend.  Just don’t let the holidays make you feel incomplete and convince you that you are unhappy.  A few suggestions …one.. listen to “My Future” by Billie Eilish in my current playlist. Second, watch How to Be Single and He’s Just Not Into You.  And make a list of things you love about yourself.

And, then believe in yourself enough to enjoy yourself and be happy with what you find.  Fill your cup, before you start pouring out to anyone else… and save some of that cup to toast yourself, along the way.