Tripod of Love

I want to spend more time reflecting on a concept that has been true in my relationship with my love from the start, because I believe it is so important.  It's also something that I've felt reminded as my love and I have been announcing our engagement.  There is what I feel is a tripod upon which true and healthy love sits.  I love her.  I love me.  I love us.  More specifically, I love her for her; I love me for me; and I love us for us.

I love her for her.  A part of loving someone is seeing them for themselves and wishing that to increase.  I love all that made her who she is, and I love her for all the ways that she is, including all the ways that differs from me.  A change in any of that would change the person in which I fell in love, and there is no reason I would ever want that for her.

Similarly, I love me for me.  It took quite a long time to feel out and become the person that I love to be and who my love loves.  She does not wish me to lose that, either.  In my opinion, love is not a battle where you have to surrender who you are.  I've been in relationships where that wasn't the case.  However, in a relationship based on love and not control, I feel it is based on two individuals choosing each other and maintaining the freedom to make that choice.  It is empowering, not limiting.  I don't have a lot of experience in that kind of relationship, but I love it.

Finally, I'd say that you must love the union, separately from yourself amd them.  It is easy to feel pressure from outside to compare your relationship to the past or to others.  But, your walk together is YOUR (as a couple) walk, and it had been magical because it was yours.  When you fall in love, you create a new thing, and it grows from birth with all the missteps and joys to mature into something amazing.  So, feed and water it and let it thrive.

I hope this provides useful information for you, and I hope it helps.  I've learned a lot of lessons over my life, and I feel I owe it to others to share that wisdom.

Even Then

My love and I have a romantic thing planned, today.  It is a rainy day, which will make it more challenging than it could be otherwise.  I have a different understanding of how that would be interpreted than I once might have had. 

There was a time that I was in charismatic/ pentecostal churches for many years.  The risk in some of those churches or in other prosperous circles is to feel that you should judge the "good" of a thing by how little resistance or difficulty that one has.  Someone that has more money is therefore "blessed," and someone that struggles more is therefore not on the path they should be walking or does not have the favor of God, ignoring that scripture is almost completely stories of God's favor being on or enacted in struggle.

I have posted a lot about the wonderful and amazing love and blessing of my relationship with my fiancee, and it has been such a gift of God that it has not felt real, at times.  However, it didn't happen in a vacume of challenges.  There have been clouds all along the way, and some things happened that didn't feel like blessings.  But, the good happened with them.  The light happened in the darkness.  I used to say a good definition of faith is expectation plus determination.  It's believing in SPITE of the challenge.  That's how you know something or someone is true, actually... if it remains when it's not rosy.  

I know my love and I are true and our hearts full of love and joy, rain or shine.  So, I can't expect a better sign of God for our romance than for it to happen in spite of the rain.  And, I will happily dance in the rain with her, literal or metaphorical, in all our life.

Love Casts Out Fear

 1 John 4:8

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment."

There are so many things I love about my relationship with my fiancée and her specifically.. so many ways this has been a stark contrast to past toxic relationships.  One aspect that I've mentioned over and over has been safety and security.  And, it has many parts to why it is amazing in application.

I do not fear that my love is on the chopping block if I make a mistake, for example.  That has not always been the case in my life.  I've lived decades of my life in one situation or another in which I was feeling like I was walking on eggshells.. like one misstep would send everything crashing down .. causing the person who should be my safe space to target me or abandon me.  But, here... I find understand, patience, and care for me in my struggles.. and she knows my heart is the same with her in hers.

I quoted that verse, above, because it highlights this difference.  Those other people that were leading with trying to find fault with me or punish me were not acting out of love.  I have a lot of experience of giving and giving and living in fear of the one I was trying to love finding fault with me.  That wasn't a relationship of love but toxic fandom.  Love... real love.. wants to liberate and not condem.. elevate and not reduce.  And, the partnership of two people that live that way are not dependent on satisfying checklists of each other or others but lives in peace, instead.

So, I am so grateful to find such an amazing person to love who loves me, and I wish you the same treasure in your own lives.

Enemies of Love

The journey to thos blog post was very... complicated.  I have spent a lot of time questioning if the blog should continue,  as it seems whatever I post is quickly challenged in my life. However, this particular post can definitely be challenged... so more power to the opposition.

The first part is not great to challenge.  I believe that there are three parts to a relationship ... I think a relationship should make you love the person you care for in a relationship.  I've always said that romance is finding ways to make the other person smile.  I believe a romance should make you love yourself.  If you are not in a relationship that does that, you are not in a healthy relationship.  Finally, a relationship should make you love the unity of your love and yourself.  That is a separate thing from your lover and yourself.  It is a new creation made by mutual pledge of love and care.

However, there are challenges to all three.  Some will try to get you to not love your relationship partner.  That can be others or doubts.  There are some that will try to convince you to not love yourself.  They (or thoughts) are not your friends or your friendly energies.  And, there are many that would have you doubt that unity.. again.. others or doubts and fears and past.  In toxic situations, those doubts can be useful.  In healthy situations, they can be toxic.

So, the point of this blog is simply to say this... choose love.  Don't listen to others not motivated by love.  Be happy.   Disappoint those who'd rather you be miserable with them.  The world needs more positive examples to inspire hope. 

New Adventures

I wanted to do a post on a recurring theme that has been a part of my story with my love, since the day that the romance has begun.  However, it is also a theme that applies to any new direction or change that happens in your life.  New experiences in your life often happen, and we are tempted to try to understand or respond to them in old ways.  However, new experiences are ... new.  New things are by their nature something that you have not experienced in the past, and therefore require a special kind of thinking. 

My love and I have had an amazing beginning to what I expect to be a very long and incredible life.  However, the journey didn't begin with my plan or control, and it has progressed from one thing to another that was outside of my understanding or experience.  I had not experienced someone that was so loving to me or to others.  I had not experienced someone that showed such love back to me or care for my well being or passion towards me, as well.  There was so many things about her that I did and do greatly appreciate, but I was not at the beginning fully equipped to totally  receive it for as good as it was.  I had to recognize that it was something that I had not seen to adopt a new way of thinking about it.. that it was an adventure.

An adventure is something that you cannot fully understand, before you go out to take it.  You have to step outside of your comfort zone and take a risk.  Then, you have to say to yourself... ok... I don't know where this is going, but I like it and am excited to see what lies ahead.. like reading a new book by a favorite author.  In this case, the author was God in my life.

Another thing you must must have to fully understand an adventure is to understand how little you understand.  You must be teachable.  You must adopt the attitude that says, I don't know all that there is out there, and I am curious about what I don't know to fully appreciate what life has to offer.  Indeed, there is no way I would have been prepared for or expected the amazing path I am on with her, now.  There was also many ways that I had to adjust and grow to fully romance her as she deserves and to love myself as I deserved.  I had to be teachable to become what I needed to be to receive the good in my life.

They noted in church the old Parable in the gospels in which Jesus talks about the small mustard seed that grows into a great tree.  I have little experience with growing, but I am learning a lot about growing things from my love.  Those that plant seeds do so out of hope in what it can become, but they are also curious to see how it will bloom.  I feel that we are just seeing the shoots of an amazing plant of us that God has planted, and I look forward to seeing it grow and flower and make room for others to rest and sing in our branches.  There is SO much ahead that I cannot know, but I am happily moving forward in the greatest adventure of my life.

Believe

It seems absurd to have the level of happiness that I have been feeling, since meeting my love. I have not had the experience to easily accept it, when God first took the wheel. I have been conditioned to think that I had to be defensive and cautious at the idea of new love, due to a history of not just bad but destructive romantic attempts. So, when it first began with my love, I felt… this cannot be true. What am I missing? However, the longer I went, the more I saw that, as I noted to others, “this is actually real” and to begin to drop the guard and just enjoy the adventure, knowing I was just not equipped to compare it to past experience. I noted more than once that I was on uncharted territory. Much like a hobbit in LOTR, I was content to happily shout out, “I’m going on an adventure.”  

And, Providence in the adventure played a major part in the story. Many years ago, I wrote a book about providence, but I withdrew from promoting it, due to cynicism and my experience of some humanity. And, a person that once completed a Bible degree lost much faith not in God but in the humans that carry God’s name. Indeed, MUCH of the pain that has been exacted on me over the years came from those that proclaimed to be God’s in name, though not in nature. However, apart from my control, I was experiencing absolutely the person that matched everything that I had wanted or needed. Indeed, each time I revealed a little more of myself, fearing rejection, I found someone that resonated and reflected similar things and who revealed things about themselves that I loved as well. But, more importantly, reflected someone who with every revelation more and more mesmerized me, captivated me. Early in our relationship, I knew that, as I noted to her, she “owned me”.. knowing that I was so in love that nothing would change that. As a parson that loved music, being given a playlist on my birthday was the first clue that someone… saw me… loved me for me. That was a love language that I didn’t know existed.

In a world of fake people, a person like myself that values real people often finds disappointment. However, I found in my love someone that loves truly.. not just me but anyone in need. One of a million seconds of falling in love was seeing her have a prepared bag of things to give to a homeless person on the street, as she drove. I’ve faced times of poverty against my will, and seeing that showed me the TRUE LOVE that beat in her heart, and I knew that I would want to be around that heart, forever.

One of the things that was different from past romances was that this romance was not a connection of one person that led and one person that simply followed. In this romance, there were two individuals that were CHOOSING to be in the romance, because both of the people CHOSE each other and valued each other and listened to each other. It was the first true partnership of my life.

One of the first shows we both watched was Ted Lasso in which the word “believe” played a big part, and my experience with her has taught me to believe.. in God.. in Good.. in Love.. in the future. And, I look forward to a lifetime of experiencing what unknown adventures await.

Passion

I remember when the Christian band DC Talk had a song a LONG time ago called "Jesus Freaks" that talked about being ok with being called a Jesus Freak.  It was very popular.  Other bands like Newsboys had similar songs about that theme, as well.  It was acceptance that just because someone would say things of derision about you, it doesn't mean that you are wrong for being like that.  Indeed, most of the terms we use for Christianity, today, came from how others mocked those that were believers.

It doesn't just apply to the religious, however.  People are known as band geeks, math geeks, scifi geeks, and more.  I would fit in many of the labels they would mock.  I had others.  I was generally mocked much of my life in one form or another.  However, I grew to almost like their derision.  It meant that I got their attention, and it meant they weren't controlling me.  So, I would and do defend ANYONE that is mocked by others, because they are mocking true qualities, at least... as opposed to false narratives and hurtful stereotypes.

I don't fear being called a name that reflects that I am passionate about something.  What I would fear, instead, is living a life so neutral that it doesn't offend anyone.  I am ok with being real.  I am ok with living my story and my adventure.  Some will not like that.  So what?  It is MY story, and I hope to keep writing new pages, every day of my life.

Peaceful Security in Love

There is a part of the Hunger Games Mockingjay movies where Peeta had been tortured and conditioned to distrust and to hate his long time close friend Katniss.  As he struggled to undo the mental damage that had been done to him, he would periodically say something that he thought he knew about their history and ask... "true or not true."  For many of us, we have been conditioned to distrust humanity and people that are close to us.  And, as we find someone that is indeed worthy of our love and trust, old fears pop up at times, and we have to look at them and ask ourselves the same objective question.  Is this indeed true or is it a reflection of the past.  The more that we determine that it is, indeed, trustworthy.. the more we can let go of the old fears, and there is such a wonderful peace that can be found on the other side.

I have had a lot of examples of being abandoned or attacked by those I once trusted in the past, and it tainted my perception for years to come.  Luckily, a few years ago, I began undoing that damage within myself, before I ever met someone that would completely shatter those fears with true love.  In those years, I asked myself.... do you really want to walk around with your focus on the negative of the past, or do you want to focus on or make the good that you can have in the present or future.  In those years, I still had multiple things happen that challenged that positivity, but each time they did I would look at them SPECIFICALLY.. not making generalizations.  THIS person was not good.  THAT action was hurtful.  Etc.  I decided to look at everything objectively, and that was the foundation that I took with me into my beginning of this wonderful romance.

And, it was wonderful.  I didn't ASSUME it was wonderful.  I didn't paint a rosy glasses picture of what I wanted to see on what was there.  I was fully willing to not settle for something that was toxic or less than I deserved.  So, as I began to see how wonderful she was, I was objectively shocked.  I remember telling someone... "This is actually real."  There would be moments of old fears that would pop up, but over and over again I objectively pushed them down and instead based my relationship on what I actually saw.  I won't pretend to have always defeated my old fears, but more experience of feeling more and more secure in the truth of her love allowed me to be more and more myself.  Then, that freedom to be myself led to her knowing me and my knowing her, and both of us relished that safety and security.

Earlier this morning, I was reflecting on just how amazing this has been in that particular aspect.  When I am with her, I love her and am recharged by seeing the love in her eyes and more.  When I am not with her, I STILL am powered by my love for her... without fear.  That's what lets it remain at all times.  Unlike my past of having the ground fall out from under my feet in situations where I didn't have such security, I have for quite a while KNOWN that I love her and that she loves me.  There isn't any doubt.  I don't feel the need to perform to impress her, because I know that she loves me without being based on what I do.  And, that peaceful security makes me love her even more and want to do things for her .... simply to make her happy.

Scripture says that love casts out all fear, and isn't it a MUCH better way to spend your days falling more and more in love with someone that you know will always care for you than walking around feeling like that could slip away at any moment in a relationship that is based on what you can do for them.  If you don't have this kind of relationship dynamic, I'd recommend you have a conversation with your significant other.  My guess is that if they truly care for you, they would want the same.  And, if they ARE simply with you based on what you can do for them, better to know that, now.  

I with you peace in knowing you can love yourself and live in the love of others, simply for being the miracle that you were made to be.

Light in the Dark

I have focused a lot over the last 5 months on the joys in my life, and I think that is probably because they are so wonderful and so unexpected and took control away from my cynicism and gave it to what I consider to be a divine adventure.  But, that does not detract from the fact that I have a LOT more experience in life of disappointment, pain, and having to recover from near total loss on many occasions.  I read the story of Job, and I am like... it only happened once?  That is not to say that I cannot have joys, now.  But, I feel that if God was preparing me for anything it was to understand the pains of many people, as I have experienced many of them... not all but definitely more than a typical human share.

I have faced medically forced financial struggle several times over my life.  I have had family in medical strains.  I have lost family to medical issues.  I have personally been unable to work with a retina issue that would cause 6 months of issues and had in this and other times in my life to find ways to pay not only rent but food with very little local friends or family support.

I have raised a baby by myself, while her mom had a post partum psychotic break combined with Mania, while completing graduate studies on loans to pay for not only our bills but a job that would provide financial security.  I have seen those children be swayed by a vindictive ex that I took care of in that time to be turned against me and is currently influencing them to not communicate with me, because she simply didn't like me and held a grudge for my leaving her toxic marriage.

I have been abandoned by friends and family and lost support for political positions and more.  I have pissed off people from both sides of the aisle for simply having a differing opinion.  I have a lot of social contacts at present.. at least a lot for me.. but I tip toe into the social stream from having had such before and lost them in moments or been ignored from them for being different.

I could go on an on, but I don't need to do so.  The moments of darkness that has been present in my life was accompanied as well by moments of joy and love and peace, often from the most unexpected places.  I have seen more compassion by atheists than many religious.  I have felt peace from acceptance of loss.  I have felt love by those that barely knew me, though family was there for me, as well.   One thing that I have learned in all the story is that I believe God doesn't always speak through the church, though God can, but often through others.  And, that message isn't always in comfort but is often in pain.  Darkness is important at times to prepare you, but it is also truth for most people and must be acknowledged to have a clear understanding of the world of many, today.

Don't expect light and joy and happiness in all your world.  That in my experience is impossible.  But, you CAN find light in all your days.  In my experience, it is better to focus on the light that you have than the darkness of lack and make the best of the days given to you.  That has led me to quite a happy future ahead and light... in the context of the darkness around it.

Change

I was walking around The Gathering Place in Tulsa this weekend with my love and was thinking that the park was a great illustration of my path leading  to her and my life.

Years ago, I used to run Riverside walking and running path in Tulsa and took pics of the pedestrian bridge and thought it was all great.  Then, they changed it, and I was like... why did it need to change, it was great as it was.  However, now, it's amazing.

I mean... it's not a perfect illustration.  In my past relationships, it wasn't great.  There were good things that could be found, here and there.  But, there were more problems than solutions, more fights or disharmony  than resonance.  And, I would make excuses or try to find beauty where it didn't always exist.  It's like that pedestrian bridge.  I said it was wonderful, but I do remember it having big spiderwebs and spiders and was scary at night.  I just ignored that.

Now, it's fantastic, and I love my walks along it with my love.  It's become one place among many in  our story.  Just like the change of the park, I'm discovering piece by piece what was not present, before.

I saw a video on social media this morning where John Clease was quoting someone that said the skills to know something is good is the same skills as being able to do it. If you don't have the skills, you don't know you're not good at it.  Similarly, I think the experiences of a truly loving relationship can only really be appreciated by someone that has it.  If you have not, you can't fully understand that you lack it.

Well, I am very happy after changes in my life that at the time I felt were unnecessary, and I'm so happy to be discovering the adventure of love in which I find myself and the amazingness of a love I never knew existed.  I hope as life presents you change, you will also look forward to what can be and not the excuses you made for the past or what could not be.  There is much ahead to discover.

Falling in Love

 Falling in love is..

 ... passionately, willingly losing control..

... choosing to believe in adventure over cynicism..

... finding someone who is loves you for you and is safe enough to allow you to show them exactly who that is for them to love..

... feeling the rush of potential, as the wind of potential fills your sails..

... being absolutely fascinated by simple wisdom and being absolutely enthralled by the gentle slope of a shape or the light of an eye or a smile..

... feeling energized by a kiss, a touch, a word, a moment... a dozen times a day..

NEVER let the magic of love be lost in routine or activities.  THIS is where real life is offering you a gift.  Take it.. give it.. live it.