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Light in the Dark

I have focused a lot over the last 5 months on the joys in my life, and I think that is probably because they are so wonderful and so unexpected and took control away from my cynicism and gave it to what I consider to be a divine adventure.  But, that does not detract from the fact that I have a LOT more experience in life of disappointment, pain, and having to recover from near total loss on many occasions.  I read the story of Job, and I am like... it only happened once?  That is not to say that I cannot have joys, now.  But, I feel that if God was preparing me for anything it was to understand the pains of many people, as I have experienced many of them... not all but definitely more than a typical human share.

I have faced medically forced financial struggle several times over my life.  I have had family in medical strains.  I have lost family to medical issues.  I have personally been unable to work with a retina issue that would cause 6 months of issues and had in this and other times in my life to find ways to pay not only rent but food with very little local friends or family support.

I have raised a baby by myself, while her mom had a post partum psychotic break combined with Mania, while completing graduate studies on loans to pay for not only our bills but a job that would provide financial security.  I have seen those children be swayed by a vindictive ex that I took care of in that time to be turned against me and is currently influencing them to not communicate with me, because she simply didn't like me and held a grudge for my leaving her toxic marriage.

I have been abandoned by friends and family and lost support for political positions and more.  I have pissed off people from both sides of the aisle for simply having a differing opinion.  I have a lot of social contacts at present.. at least a lot for me.. but I tip toe into the social stream from having had such before and lost them in moments or been ignored from them for being different.

I could go on an on, but I don't need to do so.  The moments of darkness that has been present in my life was accompanied as well by moments of joy and love and peace, often from the most unexpected places.  I have seen more compassion by atheists than many religious.  I have felt peace from acceptance of loss.  I have felt love by those that barely knew me, though family was there for me, as well.   One thing that I have learned in all the story is that I believe God doesn't always speak through the church, though God can, but often through others.  And, that message isn't always in comfort but is often in pain.  Darkness is important at times to prepare you, but it is also truth for most people and must be acknowledged to have a clear understanding of the world of many, today.

Don't expect light and joy and happiness in all your world.  That in my experience is impossible.  But, you CAN find light in all your days.  In my experience, it is better to focus on the light that you have than the darkness of lack and make the best of the days given to you.  That has led me to quite a happy future ahead and light... in the context of the darkness around it.

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