Redeeming Others

This post will tap into my theological training a bit, but I do want want to be seen as someone claiming to be better than anyone else.  The only person I seek to be better than is myself every single day.  But, I do want to convey something that has been stirring in my mind and heart about how we approach others.

Can someone be redeemed?  Is it possible for someone, anyone, that has failed to measure up to be restored?  That is a concept that is very popular and spoken about quite a bit.  I do believe that it is possible, but it does not come from speaking the words and poof.. one is redeemed like magic.  It comes about because someone believes they are worthy of restoration and seeks to have it.  

Yet, our society is not practiced in restoration of the flawed.  While everyone wants to believe in redemption for themselves, the average person will not extend the same grace to another that has wronged them... even if they are instructed by Christ, Himself, to do so.

Jesus said that if someone strikes you, you are to turn the other cheek for them to strike.  If they take your coat, give them more clothing, as well.  He tells us to pray for those that despitefully use us.  If I am honest, I used to not like those verses much.  I was a person that was bullied as a youth and have been used by many over my decades.  It felt like weakness to be kind to someone that is not kind, and I do believe that you need to have limits and establish boundaries of how far you go to help othes, or you will find yourself depleted and unable to reach your own goals.  However, I have been thinking more deeply on this, and I see another side to the coin.

When I was studying to be a teacher, we learned that oftentimes those that are the meanest come from homes where they are targeted.  Those that lash out to cause pain are often facing pain.  It's like the lion with the thorn in its paw.  Once removed, they become more kind.

So, what IS Jesus trying to say, here?  I believe he is trying to say that we have the opportunity to either add to their pain or give them a path to redemption... a path to believe they are worthy of love and care and respect in order to rise up.  Those that cause us harm are often hurting from us, as well.  To fuel the conflict is to give them more obstacles to overcome to rise.

I no longer want to be the excuse for anyone to feel unworthy.  I want to help all people to believe in themselves and become the best they can be, no matter their role in my own story.  So, I will let everything from the past go and only look forward to my own potential of joys as I rise.  May others around me feel and do the same.

Feel it All

There is a particular responsibility that comes with letting yourself feel your emotions.  You have to feel it all.  We are not cartoon characters that only display one emotion and one side of their personality.  We have complex emotions and at any given time can and often do feel many things, even those things that can be at contrast.  I say cartoon, but I guess the Inside Out cartoon was multiple feelings at once.  That would be more accurate.

Because the truth is that we are hardly ever just one way, just as our days are not just one way.  There can be good and bad, and both are valid.  I saw a meme online the other day of Dr Who saying that the good of a day does not solve the bad, nor does the bad take away from the good.  That is very true.  I am always a mix of things, and I try my best to keep them compartmentalized, because it is indeed true that if you are always focusing on the bad emotions, you can miss out on so much of the good things that can happen in your life.  However, to focus on the good things without allowing yourself to feel the bad can rob you of necessary healing and growth that needs to be done.  So, I wouldn't expect anyone that I ever met to be "over" the bad things in their past or the challenges of their present.  We all have them, even if we forgive and make peace with those that did them.  All I would expect is what I try to do myself.. turn the page, recognize the past is the past and look to see what the next chapter in our lives might hold.. albeit with the growth that we gain from the prior chapters in understanding others as well as ourselves.

So, if someone were to see me smiling a lot or laughing, it does not mean that there is not a part of me that is also reflecting on the past.  That is impossible, as we will always have things that remind us of people from our past.. a location, a fandom, a show or movie, or even a sport or hobby.  To deny that is to force yourself to come face to face with it.  But, you can make new memories in those things, as well as accept that those good memories of the past are valid and can be accepted as good.. in the past.  You are not tied to a specific emotion, and others are not able to be judged as 2 dimensional either.  There can be good, even in the stories that you no longer read.  And, spending our lives trying to fictionalize that good will only elongate our journey to find truth and joy in the future.

So, I allow myself to feel it all.  I allow myself to accept good and bad, love and strain, loss and rebirth.  I allow myself to accept the good that I felt was good that I felt, even as I use reason to guide my path forward.  Indeed, that is a skill we must develop if we are going to make wise decisions for our future path, apart from hormones and emotions that we will face.

So, this post is simply to challenge you to feel it all, if you are really going to see a true picture of reality. Then.... as you let the emotions flow through you.. let them flow from you and let it go.  Take a breath.  And, look and start stepping forward.  Happiness can happen, again, and holding onto the negative will only blind your ability to see and experience it.  And, I wouldn't wan that loss for anyone, least of all myself. 

Compartmentalize

This won't be a long one.  But, one lesson you definitely need to learn on your journey to happiness is the ability to compartmentalize.  I don't know where it came in along the way that people feel that in order to be at peace they must first completely process and heal from one thing to be able to experience and appreciate the next, but that has not been my reality.  

At any time in my life, I could switch channels in my emotions to reflections on my time with my kids.. the good and the bad, romantic pasts, hopeful futures, career goals, personal goals, personal interests, or simply pausing to enjoy the absolute beauty of a sunset... a music theme... a dessert.  

The path to happiness does not mean that you must first overcome the pain in order to live the happiness.  That has NEVER been the case in my life.  What you need to be able to do is to compartmentalize things, so that one does not have to do with the other.  You can say... this is nice and this makes me happy, even as you are dealing with loss or struggle or stress.  If you are waiting till everything is perfect, you.. will.. never .. be .. happy.  And, I am going to end this abruptly on that note, because I think YOU need to process it.  Life does not happen in a vacuum.  The good and the bad are all important, but you can at any point in the story find something to make you smile, and life is much better if you do. 

Feel Your Feelings

I am thinking as I reflect on some of my recent posts and focuses that it is important to post a contrasting reality that I have touched on in some of the posts but have not focused on, lately.. yet is something that I am aware of and apply, personally.

Yes, I am making a concerted effort to focus on the positive in my life, and would suggest that you do in your own life, which I will say further in a bit.  HOWEVER, my personal application and suggestion is not that you bury your pain or doubt or sadness or more and act like it does not exist.  I don't do that.  Rather, I feel that it has a role to play in formation of us that should be kept.  

In the most recent Agatha Christie mini series, Seven Dials, the main character is attacking a desk with a crow bar in her anger over the death of a friend and love interest.  The maid starts rushing for her room, but her mother, played by Helena Bonham Carter, stops her and says something like "Do not steal her grief."  It reminded me of a line by Agatha Harkness character (played by Kathryn Hahn) in Agatha All Along, where she says, "Don't rob her of her struggle."  And, in all of my focus on the positive, I do not want to take that from you.

I do not pretend that bad things hasn't happened or good things have passed or that I am perfect and don't mistakes.  One thing you will routinely hear from me in my blog posts and social media posts is that I AM flawed and make mistakes. I have understood that and have made that known for year, even though sometimes I forget in the pursuit of being better.

There are a couple songs that I have in my playlists from time to time that says this, and I think it is time to bring them back into the mix.  Sia in I am Healing says,"I've walked though shadows, carried the pain, silent battles left me standing in the rain, the weight of memories I couldn't release, but broken peaces can still find peace."  I know that it is hard to feel that you will feel that peace and many times in my life over many different circumstances, I felt that I could not, either.  But, the solution was not to try to escape the pain but to feel it and process it.  In that processing, I found that I had to accept my dark side and my dark history.  Yes, it happened, and you should not apologize for being yourself but you can grow from the mistakes and improve to be the best version of yourself.  It is important to give yourself grace on the journey.

I do have one in my current playlist ending March by Florence and the Machine in Everybody Scream, where she says, "I don't have to be kind, extraordinary, and normal, all at the same time."  Olivia O'Brien says in Love Myself, "I don't need to know who I am yet.  I don't need to have a solid plan yet, I don't need to e the same as everyone else, I just need to motherfuckin' love myself."

So, I will leave you with that.  FEEL your pain and struggle and process and grow from it.  It will not and should not ever go completely away, but you can make peace with your demons and begin to include new happiness and build a new you from it all, and I hope for your happiness that you do. 

Respect the Pain and the Past of Others

So... this was actually the blog that I felt most compelled to write, earlier.  But, it is less rosey and is something I am working on in myself, as well.  But, as I am watching the end of the new Bridgerton episodes, I find myself drawn to complete the blog.  So, here it is.

We all carry around pains and challenges from our past.  In some cases, those pains can transition, so you are able to carry them in another way.  However, I do not believe that they ever truly go away.  I do believe that wounds between people can heal in a way that reconciliation can happen, even if that reconciliation is different than before.  But, I believe that it is only possible by respect for the wounds of the past and in such way that they are not repeated.

Lately, I have shown some liking of a show of a comedian that acknowledges some of the same cynicism that I have of organized religion.  And, I will do my best not to bring that cynicism to this blog post, but it is important to note that this cynicism is not recent and is long standing, based upon a long list of mistreatment and neglect by those in religious positions or those who were religious.  Again, I want to emphasize that it is not recent, even if it can affect my perception of those that are religious.  I do not want to allow my past to characterize those that are religious, today.. even when I see similarities or further things happen to irritate that scab from the past.  I can and have tried to ignore it and be overly optimistic, but that would not be real and based upon enough evidence to overcome that past.. not yet.  And, there are many such examples of contemporary religious hypocrisy and judgment out there in the world, so it is not something that is imagined in my mind.

I only say that to say this.  I have a past with religion that should be respected by someone that would care for me, just as they should respect my past with past emotional wounds... religious or otherwise, even as I should also be someone that respects that in others.  There is no.. well, they just need to hurry up and heal.. ever.  Wounds change you, and the person that exits on the other side is not the same as the one that entered.  It is not possible to just pretend that that never happened.

So, this difficult blog post is only here to say this.  If you care for someone, you will respect their full nature.. you will love the person that exited the wounds, not giving an expectation that they will return to being without them.  If they are dark or hardened, the cure is not for them to suddenly be rich of hope and to be able to be like you.  Care for them is to care for their darkness, or you never really cared for them... themselves.. at all. 

Light in the Dark

I have focused a lot over the last 5 months on the joys in my life, and I think that is probably because they are so wonderful and so unexpected and took control away from my cynicism and gave it to what I consider to be a divine adventure.  But, that does not detract from the fact that I have a LOT more experience in life of disappointment, pain, and having to recover from near total loss on many occasions.  I read the story of Job, and I am like... it only happened once?  That is not to say that I cannot have joys, now.  But, I feel that if God was preparing me for anything it was to understand the pains of many people, as I have experienced many of them... not all but definitely more than a typical human share.

I have faced medically forced financial struggle several times over my life.  I have had family in medical strains.  I have lost family to medical issues.  I have personally been unable to work with a retina issue that would cause 6 months of issues and had in this and other times in my life to find ways to pay not only rent but food with very little local friends or family support.

I have raised a baby by myself, while her mom had a post partum psychotic break combined with Mania, while completing graduate studies on loans to pay for not only our bills but a job that would provide financial security.  I have seen those children be swayed by a vindictive ex that I took care of in that time to be turned against me and is currently influencing them to not communicate with me, because she simply didn't like me and held a grudge for my leaving her toxic marriage.

I have been abandoned by friends and family and lost support for political positions and more.  I have pissed off people from both sides of the aisle for simply having a differing opinion.  I have a lot of social contacts at present.. at least a lot for me.. but I tip toe into the social stream from having had such before and lost them in moments or been ignored from them for being different.

I could go on an on, but I don't need to do so.  The moments of darkness that has been present in my life was accompanied as well by moments of joy and love and peace, often from the most unexpected places.  I have seen more compassion by atheists than many religious.  I have felt peace from acceptance of loss.  I have felt love by those that barely knew me, though family was there for me, as well.   One thing that I have learned in all the story is that I believe God doesn't always speak through the church, though God can, but often through others.  And, that message isn't always in comfort but is often in pain.  Darkness is important at times to prepare you, but it is also truth for most people and must be acknowledged to have a clear understanding of the world of many, today.

Don't expect light and joy and happiness in all your world.  That in my experience is impossible.  But, you CAN find light in all your days.  In my experience, it is better to focus on the light that you have than the darkness of lack and make the best of the days given to you.  That has led me to quite a happy future ahead and light... in the context of the darkness around it.

The Role of Darkness in Light

I forget which Catholic show it was that I saw, once, on EWTN that led with it, but a show used to open with a phrase that the light shines the most in darkness.  If there wasn't the dark, the candle wouldn't show up as much as it does... it would just fade into the background.

If you've followed the blog over the years, you will know that over the last year or  so, I began to talk about the value of darkness.  Even as so much of my light is love and joy and light in the current day, I still maintain that view.  Indeed, it was something I talked about over the years at different times.  In a book I wrote on magic years ago, I noted that in order for something to be magical, something else must be plain to have the contrast.

There has been periods of struggle and darkness over the years from one thing or another.  With hindsight, I can see many of them were meant to motivate me in one way or another.  Just one example began in August of 2023.  I was living content in Florida with some conditions that were not always good but were acceptable.  I would have stayed in that condition, left alone.  I was single and not making the amount of money I could and found pockets of joy in nature and a few friends and my child I had in custody periods.  I had spent a LONG time raising that child with much influence in their life and was fixed in them.

Then, in the span of 6 months, EVERYTHING I felt secure in was ripped away.  I was hit with a retina tear that became a retina detachment and would result in two surgeries 6 months apart that would remove me from work.  My best friend at the time mocked me publicly and rejected me.  My ex with mental issues would in paranoia and mania break my custody agreement and deny me my weekends and more... the only reason I didn't go to police was not to put my child through that in their senior year. Then, due to my child being under their influence, my ex turned my child against me.  Left with nothing, I moved near family in Oklahoma, taking a job that .. as it would turn out... wouldn't last long.  However, it relocated me to where I could meet the most amazing person I have ever met in my life and with which we both found our perfect partner for our nature and being.

Yet... none of that amazing find and unfolding life I have in other ways, as well, would have happened if I had not faced that total collapse.  If any of it had remained, I might not have moved to where I needed to be to find her.  Darkness was NECESSARY to find my light.

We can be stupid as rats in a maze to a God that oversees not only the world but time and knows us most intently than we know ourselves.  So, God needs not only the cheese but the obstacles and sometimes maybe even shocks of pain to get us to move to where we need to go.  I hate the idea of the shocks, but I have also been the rat that needed it.  

So, my point in this is just to say, don't always feel that you are far away from God in periods of struggle.  It can be for many reasons, not just to motivate you to move or change.  Sometimes, it may simply be so that when you DO face your magical moments in your life, you recognize and value them with the gratitude for which they are worthy.  I will pray for you in that journey, as well.

Evangelist of Disorder.. Sht Happens

I'm what I guess of late to be an evangelist of disorder.  In reality, it's an objective observationalist that states reality, even if... sometimes especially if.. people would prefer the rosy prediction.  It has come from a life of living with those rosy expectations and facing a life of disappointment, instead.  It has helped me craft a more logical and progressively improving life, as well.  Someone one time praised my budgeting ability to make it through my periods of sparce resources and unexpected expenses, and I explained that it... and all my accounting ability.. was refined over many years by seeing assumptions fail, so I determined that I must KNOW things to protect and guide myself.

It's also, I think, helped others I've counseled in their lives after failures and disappointment hit their lives, as well.  Being factual doesn't mean I'm not emotional.. quite the contrary.  I don't believe it does anyone good to lie and promise rosy days, if that's not something that I think will happen.  I can empathize with them and offer my support and care, while at the same time offer my experience IN the dark valley... it's kinda been my home for most of my life.  I can tell them that it will eventually pass, because I've established that is true.  I can show them from my own life that there is always something good that comes out of bad.  I've noted the value of darkness many times this year in blog posts, and it's true.  

Try something with me... I tried it, today.  Think of EVERY failed time dating or relationship or marriage.  Can you honestly say that there is not something good that you learned or carried with you from that painful time?  I couldn't think of a failure that didn't ALSO grow me or add to me in some way.  Life is messy, and every joy comes with struggle or vice versa.  It doesn't mean that you shouldn't make wise decisions to better your future life, but it does not mean that holding up idealistic and unrealistic expectations for your life is good or that following a path of "hope" that doesn't even have a defined path is a "good" thing to do.

Sht happens, as the car sticker says.  If you understand that, you'll spend less time in self-pity and making quicker decisions to get out of it by simply saying... ok.. what do I do now?  It's one of the best lessons I can give you about moving FORWARD to Happiness.