To Thine Own Self Be True

The popular Shakespeare quotation "to thine own self be true" has valid and important meaning in being true to who you are, despite the pressure to be something else to others.  However, I think that it could have a different meaning that is perhaps more important.  To paraphrase it, as if it were a modern day translation of the Bible that paraphrases passages into common language style, I think you could say that you need to be REAL with yourself.

I've recently decided to get more active on dating apps and in pursuit of a relationship, again.  I don't say that the period of self focus wasn't important.  I think it was VERY important and is something that anyone should do to find personal balance and love for self, before entering into a relationship.  However, I was sitting at home one night, and I reflected on my life over the period of my being single.  Very often, my focus was on the past or on myself or on my growth,  How should I view the past, I questioned and ultimately decided to accept it as the good and the bad that it was, appreciate and learn from it (including my own mistakes) and to move on from it.  

However, the bigger realization that hit me was that in all that time of personal reflection, there was no one sending me messages of concern when I was in a storm or just because they thought of me.  No one was sending romantic messages or flirting in any way.  I had friends and family but no romance in my life... and I realized that I missed romance.  I missed being romantic and being romanced.  I missed the spark of interest and exploration, mixed with the pit in your stomach of risk of vulnerability.  Yes.. I missed even that, and none of it has been happening.  Being real.. or true.. to myself is admitting both that I desire it and that it is not happening.  Even my own attempts at the past were refused, which might have been a good thing, anyways.  So, as the basic laws of science would tell us, things at rest stay at rest, unless a force acts upon it to ... move.  If nothing happens.. nothing happens.  And, so I am beginning.

I will not chronicle my dating adventures, but I did think it was important to note the beginning, because I believe too many are still so focused on the past that they are missing out of what can happen in the present or the future, and I love myself enough to not let that happen with my potential for happiness.

So, be real with yourself, and look forward to what may be.  As I have noted and quoted from time to time from Beautiful Creatures, "Anything is better than a life standing still."  Good luck in your own adventures.  May we all find joy in our paths as we venture forth. 

What I Want in a Relationship

I'm doing a 2nd blog post in the day, but I have all the pieces of it that came together in my mind, so I want to get it down, before I lose track of what all I wanted to say. I wanted to do a blog post about what it is that I am wanting in a relationship.  I have only said pieces in passing, here and there, and I feel that it is important to make it known.  It is a good time for me to do this blog post, because I am not in a relationship and have not been in one for almost 10 months.  This post will not be a strike back on anyone in the past, because I have grown and changed, and even back then I didn't speak up about my own needs enough or stand on them, so I cannot blame anyone else for failing to respect them.  I also failed back then in respecting the needs of them and others, further back, so I am not claiming to be perfect either.  I liked that time, and I am ready to move on.. so I don't want this to be about that.  It's about me... who I am at present and what I want going forward.  It also should not be seen as a prescription pad that must be followed to a T or a checklist for anyone to follow or seen as a job requirements list.  Again, it isn't about anyone else.  I simply want to state what is important to ME in a relationship, because I do not make that known, enough.

My own tastes have changed over the decades, as I learned more about myself and what I like and do not like and need to be happy.  There are many "love languages" as they would say or ways of expression of care, and not all of them can be received by all kinds of people.  That isn't to say that they are not important or would not be valued by the right people, but I think we spend too much time trying to force someone we like to speak our love language and appreciate what they are not born to see as love.  For example, many do not speak our or communicate their love for another, choosing instead to do acts of service.  Except, I do service all day long.. for the needy, for my work, for my friends, etc.  I don't get voiced appreciation for that but rather expectation, so while I do not expect anyone to do anything for me it is also not something that is necessarily meaning love but could simply mean they thought of you or maybe even that they just had extra of something and didn't want it to go to waste.  The point being, you cannot interpret acts to mean love, always.

I am a touchy kind of person, and I love to hold hands with my romantic one and hold them.  I miss that.  So, someone that appreciated that would be needed, and one that could return it when I am least expecting it would be sensational.  I mentioned how I like to communicate my love, and someone that can communicate it to me would get my attention, a lot.  If I am in a situation where I cannot express my love, then that love turns on itself and becomes despair and depression.   I want someone that can hold intellectual conversations with me or watch a romantic flick with me, but I don't want someone that is subservient to me.  I want someone that is independent enough to challenge me, because then when they choose me, it actually means that they choose ME and is more worthwhile.  

There is a phrase that I used to have on my dating apps (which I WILL be using in the coming weeks, because I do not believe in friends becoming something more but that relationships have a different skill set and development track).  The phrase was ...

 “I believe that the 4 most important ingredients in a relationship are loyalty, empathy, gratitude, and good old fashioned flirting. I believe a relationship is two people trying to make the other person smile. I believe that shared interests are nice but the important part is shared interest in each other. I believe in learning from the past but leaving it in the past and seeing each other as a new adventure.”

I believe all of those are still true for me, as well.  I think the only thing I would add to all of the above is that it cannot all be initiated by me.  If someone cannot participate in initiating things at times, I will not even entertain it, going forward.  I will also need someone that can respect my own needs and boundaries and allow me to live my life in my way... not to say there won't be concessions or things done for them, at times.  But, I will not become another person, ever again.

 Ok.  I think that is enough for now, but I wanted to make all of that known. 

 

 

What Boundaries Protect

As with many other things that I take the time to process and think through on my own, there are going to be a lot of people that don't get it or understand, as well as others that are like... FINALLY, he's getting it.  But, I don't do my processing for pleasing either group.  Sometimes, it takes people a little longer to get there, but they need that time to get there.  Rushing them there can have them miss important steps in development, along the way.

So, I wanted to do another post about what it is that boundaries are meant to protect.  This isn't a new concept to my point, just an element within it that explains why boundaries are important.  Boundaries that you erect to keep you from giving too much of yourself does not mean that you are not going to want to give.  I am about to go give my time to a charity, this morning.  That is a part of who you are as a person should be one thing that you protect with your boundaries, as well.  However, it can and should be limited such that it does not prevent you from fulfilling your other needs, too.  

What boundaries are meant to protect in my mindset is the lifestyle and life that you deserve and desire.  This cannot be done giving too much to things that grow in need, due to their reliance upon you.  You have to balance all of your needs.  Do you desire to give gifts to family?  Do you desire to go to baseball games and needs of entertainment?  Do you desire to read or to puzzle or to get fit or something else?  Do you desire to find a romantic partner and live a romantic life?  Whatever it is that you have in your mind that will be important for you to be able to be happy, you need to budget your money and your time in order to make sure you have the ability to do them.  And, that will require you to say no.

Saying no is not easy to me, but it is something I am getting better at doing the more that I am practicing my boundaries.  When I decide to do something for myself, that does not mean that I need to give that experience to others around me.  They should be providing for their own experiences.  Some, I can include, if that is such that it fits my own goals and is appropriate.  There are many things that are done only as couples.  In the course of my processing in the last year, I thought... why can't people that are just friends do this or that in a non romantic way.  And, truly, it is possible that those involved can keep the correct mentality about the sharing of the events (though that needs to be done actively), but what I am discovering is that everywhere you go others will automatically assume you are a couple, even if you are not.  So, it doesn't matter what you believe to keep the right impression.  Unless you want to keep explaining everywhere you go, you must set boundaries on what you will do with friends, as well.  And, when they are reserved for your special future someone, it will BE special, as it once was with another.

But, to get back to my point, boundaries protect YOU and your ability to BE you and to live the life that you desire with those that you desire in the way that you desire.  Give, but the first person to whom you should give is yourself being given the chance to have the life that you deserve to be living towards the happiness that you desire.

It Is That It Is

I'm going to step off the boundaries subject to touch on an adjacent one, which I have noted from time to time.  It is a good fit, here.  I've said a lot of this in the past, but for the same of flow I am just going to say it, again.

When I got a job in Boston, years ago, I kept hearing a phrase repeated there, and I hated how much that I heard it.  People would say, "It is that it is."  On the balance scale of the Serenity Prayer, I have always tended more on the side of "change the things you can change" and not on the "accept the things you cannot change," though as I have grown older I have begun to acknowledge much more in life that we cannot or should not change and have begun to learn to accept that, more often.

Because the fact is that there is much in our lives that cannot change, especially parts that involve other people.  Indeed, you should not expect that anyone else should change who they are for you.  Even in situations where I knew that personality styles between people would clash, I just see that as a sign of finality, because I would not expect someone to change who they are for me, just as I wouldn't expect them to expect me to change who I am for them.  It just..... is that it is.

What you CAN change in those situations is where the adjacent boundaries come into play, and I will note that for just a minute.  You cannot change how others will treat you, but you can change your proximity or closeness of them, if they are not able or willing to make the effort for you.  Your personal boundary can stand on your self respect, when others do not respect yourself.

But, there is a lot that you can change, and the first and most important thing that would fit this category is your mindset, your direction, and your focus of hope.  Your mindset, because if you are still expecting things from things that have not given you reason for that hope, you are not basing your expectation on reality.  There must be... works.. to quote the bible.. for something to be alive.  Your direction, because as I noted in a meme that I shared once, recently, your past does not need you but your future does.  Finally, you can change the focus of your hope, and by that I do NOT mean that you pick someone else to throw your hope behind.  There will be people that are worthy of a "trustfall" as Pink's song says, but I mean the source of your hope is best suited to be within yourself.  So, I will end this blog post with an animated song that communicates this well, so go watch it after reading this.  it is from Frozen 2, and it can be watched by clicking the link, here, Show Yourself.  You are the person you have been looking for.  So, rise and shine. 

Boundaries Pt 2 - A Work in Progress

I've heard the lessons all the time, as I am sure you have, as I grew up and lived my life.  The airplane staff will tell you to put your own air mask on first, before you try to help another.  In the military, they said the same thing about putting your gas mask on, before you help another put on theirs.  The point being that you cannot help anyone if you are dead or passed out.  But, even as I heard those lessons by others, I have always struggled with it, but I did have some moments of success, such as the Florida years that I spoke of where I focused on what I liked to do to learn what exactly that might happen to be.  But, I quickly fall back into the routine of giving up the things that make up me, my own soul, to make others happy.  

Sometimes, when I think back about it over all those decades it makes me angry.  But, I remember one thing that a dear friend of mine said in correction to me after one of those moment when someone that I had cared for became angry at me for simply not providing it to me, anymore.  This was many years ago.. maybe a decade.  Anyways, when I was lamenting how they were behaving, my friend pointed out that I had been self sacrificing and giving like that for them for many years and that was what they had come to expect from me.  Suddenly, I saw that I was as much to blame for how they reacted as they were, because I had left the impression that I didn't have needs, feelings to consider, and so forth.  I led them to that reaction, because I had given too much to them and said that it was ok.

As I have noted in the past post, I am not saying that you should not consider others, but you need to consider yourself, first.  Even Jesus said to love your neighbor as you love yourself, presuming that you are already loving yourself.  If you are surrendering your soul for others and leaving yourself poor and stressed, you are not loving yourself.

So, I ask from others the same grace that I am giving myself... the same grace that I gave myself in Florida, which is the grace to make mistakes as you feel yourself out.  However, that grace doesn't mean patience till I come around to being like others or being a good little boy.  I'm definitely not very much that.  I am by nature emotional, passionate, wild, and hard to control.  I value my freedom and like my sexy mind and passion for life.  So, I'm not becoming a better version of the person others want me to be... that would be the very picture of violating my boundaries as noted above.  But, I will become the best version of myself, and that is the very person I want to be and whom my boundaries are made to protect.  So, even though it is a work in progress, I will go forward with my new boundaries, while at the same time forgiving others for violating them in the past, because I led them to believe that was an ok thing to do by not speaking up.  From now on, I will make an effort to know what I want and to make sure others know exactly what needs and wants they need to respect of mine, as well.

My Florida Years of Growth

I wanted to do a post about some of my memories and turning points of my years living in Florida, because they were very important in helping me to become who I am, today.  They are not, necessarily, tied to one place, and I have been able to find outlets for them in this location to a large extent, as well.. as much as is possible for the mentality that presides in this area, as the default understanding of people differ greatly by where they happened to grow up or spent years of their lives.  And, my "Florida" could be your New York or Utah or wherever.  So, just listen for the life lessons.

When I went back down to Florida in 2020, I was coming off some pretty heavy emotional strains and life upheavals that had happened.  I will not go into details of it or relating to others as part of this post but only use how it impacted me as context, where needed.  But, my emotions were pretty low, and my money was pretty low.  I barely had enough to get down there and would work my ass off, once there, to maintain my needed budget and then some.  For a good year of my time in Florida, I didn't actually see much of Florida, other than as related to my work places.  But, I did make time to see the beaches at times or take pictures of sunsets and find things that I enjoyed to do or places to walk.  In many ways, this as a very important part of my change and growth, because I found myself away from relatives, friends and more, other than my online friends which were amazing for me.  But, it allowed enough isolation to think through things and process and have the natural emotional swings and internal conflicts that happen as you challenge things you have believed and develop a new baseline for existence that was not based upon anything provided by tv lifestyle images or fed by others to believe.  So, my person I was beginning to become was based solely upon myself, which I think is very important for everyone to develop for their lives, wherever they happen to live.

After the first year, I felt like I was finally waking up from a very bad dream, and I began to look around and see that there were good things to do there that weren't dependent upon the past or even being in a relationship.  I began to do some things that I used to enjoy doing in Oklahoma, such as Comic Cons with my child or baseball games by myself.  I would go out and take pictures of the river in Tampa Bay for different events like Christmas, where they would play Trans Siberian Orchestra to the timed flashing of lights, and I got a membership to the local art museum and would go to it.  I also started doing many new things to me.  While I had gone to see the Ballet in Oklahoma, I found the arts there more diverse and frankly cheaper than it was in Oklahoma.  Over my years there, I had many memorable moments seeing things like Lindsey Stirling in concert, a VERY amazing cover artist doing Frank Sinatra so well he just WAS Frank, orchestra performances, ballet performances, and so many concerts that I lost count.  I saw Train and One republic in an outdoor amphitheater at different times, saw Journey and Toto in concert, and listened to so many bands that were just playing in a "bar" (bars there need to be called something else) by the water.

But, I took time to develop myself, as well.  I began to run, again.  I would enter and run 5Ks that were very memorable, like the Breast Cancer one that took place in the Bucs stadium and parking lot, a run for the Society of Women Engineers at USF (USF also had free orchestra performances that I loved), and would walk very often on the Tampa Riverwalk.  I would start to go out with Meetup groups to hike, go to picnic's on the beach, go to clubs, and more.  I even did some more reckless things like doing multiple Bar Crawls, and I don't regret doing them.. well.. not entirely.  I did lose a credit card and hat and wake up in a park one time.  However, for these years in my life, I LIVED LIFE, almost all of it single, though I did have some dating attempts along the way and make great friends, too.

So, the point that I wanted to emphasize is that sometimes you just need to take a period of time to just enjoy life like you want to in order to really understand yourself and what you want.  You need to allow yourself to make mistakes and to try new things.  You have to learn to laugh and smile, again.  You need to improve yourself, enjoy nature, follow your hobbies, and let the past go.  THEN, you will be ready for what lies ahead, and you can do that anywhere, really, and it is something that you can do as often as you need to do it as you become the person that you were always meant to be and who you can, then, offer to those around you, as well. 

 

Boundaries

Setting personal boundaries for myself is something that I have often struggled with, as I am a very giving person who has always seen it as a great value in making someone else happy.  So, I have so many times allowed myself to get in a situation where my own needs and wants are limited or hurting in order to make someone else feel at comfort or secure.  Then, as does often happen, when that situation eventually ends, I find myself having to start from scratch or low and build myself up, again.  This is why I meet people of similar age that have a huge savings, while I have little.  I can literally point to different people in my life over the decades (not just romantic partners) where that money went... people that no longer even speak to me.

And, that leads me to another point in the course of discussing why boundaries are so important.  Giving to another is usually greeted with immediate thanksgiving but over time becomes resentment.  But, even if that isn't the case, it does over time go from being something that is met with thanksgiving and instead is met with expectation.  Indeed, I have seen over the decades people that live on public aid become comfortable with that aid, and they stop trying to rise from it.  Don't get me wrong, I tend left on this issue and think aid should always be given to those in need and not always do people have the ability to rise from it, and all of that should be considered for how long they are on the aid.  However, like my examples from the past and observations, there IS a case to be made that giving to another can teach them to not give to themselves, which is actually a harm for us to teach them to have that expectation and lack of self care, because the ability to provide for oneself, no matter the difficulty, is a key to self confidence and self respect.  And, this applies to equality of genders as well, as we should not keep those benefits from women to have in their own lives and their own domain of control over their own lives.

So, even though I have been saying that you should always give, and that is the message that I want to feel and be in myself, it is not always the wise choice for course of action to take.  In the end, YOU are responsible for only one life, YOURS.  Give, but give after you have accounted for your own needs for your own goals, first.  That is not permission to set greedy and high asset goals, but if you are finding yourself always poor in the life of caring for others you are failing at the goal of self love and self care.  Also, it is impossible to pour out of an empty cup.  So, even if setting boundaries is difficult at times to do, it is a necessary thing to do, if you are ever to chart your way to your goals and have someone along side you that wants you to reach them. 

Real

I had already decided I wasn't going to blog post, tonight; because I was feeling tired and uninspired.  Then, I saw a meme talking about how writing exists in your real life... your struggles, your emotions, your life.  That somewhat led me to this blog post, sorta.  I won't be posting any details about my life, beyond mundane life routine ones.  This blog post will be a completely sanitized post only about how I feel, because in my head it can be used to provide some good advice.  I hope you agree.

Most immediately, I am tired.  I've been tired a lot this week.  This is partially because of my recent step up in fitness.  I need to step up my protein I think, too.  It's also from a tiring week of work, though I have got a lot done.  But, how I'm feeling right now is tired.  But, it's a good tired, and this is a teachable moment in that the REASON I am tired is from self improvement and work skill.  It would be much better than being tired and not having done that.

I'm feeling steady on the stair step I am on, but I'm not feeling overly motivated to climb the next step, nor do I feel like I should climb back down.  So, the feeling is that I am taking a breath and a beat, before I begin to climb.  And, I think that is important.  You cannot always be rushing forward, and you should definitely not be doing so without feeling balanced.  Life is not a race.  You are not competing against anyone.  I give myself grace to take whatever time it takes, and I give others the same grace, as well.  We are all just doing our best and no one else can tell us what that best should be.

I am feeling good about who I am as a person and feeling confident that I can love that person, without needing someone else to validate who that is.  Knowing that, I have the patience and peace to continue loving myself and part of that loving myself is to give myself time and not to settle for others that do not share the same opinion that I hold about my value.  Sometimes, truth does not come in thunderous applause but more closely a thunderstorm of distraction to try to focus on anything other than the most important love that you will have in your life.

And, now, I am feeling satisfied with this post, other than to simply say that whatever your struggle and however tired you are also feeling, tomorrow is a new day and the next day a new day, as well.  Rest and reward will come, if you keep to the track and push forward.  I will cheer you on that journey. 

Can You See Me In The Dark

I was going to do this post, tonight, BEFORE I saw that the new trailer for Good Omens 3 is out, but that just caps it off.  I love that series, and I am looking forward to seeing it in May.  It will be a short season.. one long series finale, but it is a good story.

If you have been a long viewer of this blog, you will know that I have from time to time done post series about the value of the dark.  Today, I saw a video from Lili Reinhart who I knew from and loved in Riverdale doing a video in which she said if she was a celestial being and was asked if she wanted to come to earth for a brief stay... just a blip.. and be able to experience human emotions.. love, heartbreak, and all of it.. would she want to go, and she smiled and said yes.  She said that when she is struggling, she keeps grounded by knowing that even pain is beautiful in its own way.  It reminded me of those post series that I have done about the beauty or the value of darkness in life.  In fact, I have spent YEARS contemplating that at times, which is why I choose to feel it all.. experience it all... live it all, and I don't regret any of it.  There is nothing that is good or bad in total, and there is benefit in experiencing all of it.

You might ask how I can value darkness.  I would answer that it is in the same way that God values darkness and pain.  He made us to experience those things.  He didn't have to do that.  And, despite the fact that much theology in various organizations likes to value being "blessed" or always having things feel good, that is not actually theologically correct.  God used the devil to test Job... supposedly after the fall, and the "devil" has continued to serve a purpose in God's plan and in Scripture, throughout the pages and in life.  How many passages talk about how those whom God loves he tests and that the testing produces perseverance... even as the Bible says that God cannot, Himself, test anyone with evil.  

It is not just a case of evil coming to try to tempt people away from following or believing in God, but it is also to temper and strengthen and grow, as anyone that does fitness for long knows that it is painful and hard as hell (word choice intentional) but is necessary to grow to become the best that we can be.

The problem is that in our society, those that are under pressure and struggle are often cast aside by those that don't want to even SEE that life is not as beautiful as they want it to be.  Yet... that's where Jesus lived his days.  That's why Scripture says that in the darkest place "God is there," though many of God's followers would never even be able to see Him...or us.. doing good where they can never go.

And, that is one reason why I continued and continue to say that I would much rather be condemned and cast out than live a sheltered life, because that's where all the other hurting humans would happen to be.  And, I don't need validation to actually do good and love.  If that's what you are after.. please.... stay inside the church walls.  You will get your reward. 

Compartmentalize

This won't be a long one.  But, one lesson you definitely need to learn on your journey to happiness is the ability to compartmentalize.  I don't know where it came in along the way that people feel that in order to be at peace they must first completely process and heal from one thing to be able to experience and appreciate the next, but that has not been my reality.  

At any time in my life, I could switch channels in my emotions to reflections on my time with my kids.. the good and the bad, romantic pasts, hopeful futures, career goals, personal goals, personal interests, or simply pausing to enjoy the absolute beauty of a sunset... a music theme... a dessert.  

The path to happiness does not mean that you must first overcome the pain in order to live the happiness.  That has NEVER been the case in my life.  What you need to be able to do is to compartmentalize things, so that one does not have to do with the other.  You can say... this is nice and this makes me happy, even as you are dealing with loss or struggle or stress.  If you are waiting till everything is perfect, you.. will.. never .. be .. happy.  And, I am going to end this abruptly on that note, because I think YOU need to process it.  Life does not happen in a vacuum.  The good and the bad are all important, but you can at any point in the story find something to make you smile, and life is much better if you do. 

I Challenge You to be Challenged

It used to be just a publicly accepted concept that a liberal education meant one that included all points of view, just as a liberal arts degree was a varied degree.  I have taken college classes a long time ago, where they would ask you to argue a point of view and then argue the reverse.  The point was education was less about learning a set of facts and more about learning how to learn. 

Personally, I surround myself with people that have a variety of viewpoints.  Why?  If I look back over my life, I can see where I have passionately argued for completely contradictory points of view at different times in my life, and I have learned enough to know that I have a lot to learn.

But, in order to learn, you must be able to be challenged.  It is so sad in our day that so many have fixed points of view... most often not even their OWN points of view but ones that were pressed upon them to just adopt for social acceptance.  And, indeed, having an independent mind that considers things WILL put you at odds with your own groups in one way or another.  I will not lie and say that there is no risk to being your own person.  So many different groups in our society are run like a cult, and I have seen the effects of being in those groups and then questioning something the group believes.  They love you when you are their echo chamber, but they are not so happy when you are their challenge.  And, today, more people want acceptance than truth or even growth and progress.

But, I want to circle back to how it applies to us.  Have you had times where you are drawing a blank on what you should write, do, or the solution to problems you have gone over a million times?  Very likely, it is probably because you are listening to the same sources, considering it in the same way with the same outcomes in your mind or methods of getting to them.  That is definitely the case with me.  I found my life following the same patters, because I approached things in the same way.  If you keep doing the same things, you end up with the same results.  

In one of the latest season episodes of The Bear, a character tells the main character that he didn't feel bad about him having gone off to seek his career, because "sometimes to break patterns you have to break patterns."  It doesn't always mean choosing to leave a situation or a person, because you should be able to approach the same things in a different way, but choosing to be new, though scary and without security, will lead to different results.  It is how you have an adventure, and you cannot have an adventure in your own back yard.

So, for this post, I will just say that I hope you have the courage and willingness to try or think something new for you this week.  Rise to the challenge, and challenge your self.  I don't know what you will find, but you will find something new.  And you might just discover you like the life and the you that comes to be.

Risk and Reward

The other day, I picked a month in my FB memories and went year by year from 2011 forward for several years to see what I had posted in those months.  It was a good reminder of both memories and of concepts.  There was one of the posts that was a quote from the animated Xmen 97 show episode 2 in which the older Jubilee says..

"I know a part of you wants to hang here. It's nice knowing how every stage ends. No surprises. No twists. It always stays the same. But that's not living. Living doesn't get cheat codes or extra lives. But it has friends and family. Love, loss, and heapings of hope. Life's a total risk and it's on you."

Then, the next day, I saw a quote from The Little Prince book that said..

"Of course I'll hurt you.  Of course you'll hurt me.  Of course we'll hurt each other.  But, this is the very condition of existance.  To become Spring, means accepting the risk of winter.  To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence."

I've actually covered this concept many, many times over the years in my blogs, but I have not been of a mental state to receive it for a while.  You cannot advance without risk.  An online counselor that I follow had a video the other day speaking about how if you want to have peace you need to be ok with letting others misunderstand you.  In Serendipity, Jonathan's friend quotes Epictitus saying that if you want to improve you have to be ok with being thought foolish and stupid.  Growth and improvement rarely come with applause.  More people want you to fall on your face than to see you succeed, and many are not able to understand your own personal successes, even if they weren't so distracted by seeking their own.  So, take the risk, but don't expect an audience or ... likes.

But, as you take your risk, I would like to instill one important counter point, which I have often said in saying the value of the attempt does not  rely upon the result.  It is a VERY good thing to always be trying and seeking to improve and reach what you need to be happy.  But, in that pursuit, it can be disheartening, and there is a a temptation that comes in along the way that says, "This is the best you can expect, so just take it," even if the person is not particularly interested in you beyond how you can meet their desires.  You deserve someone that finds you... YOU, not what you give them.. fascinating and wonderful.  You deserve someone that will make an effort to win you, to keep you, and will fight to not lose you.  Do not ever feel that you must settle for what will only leave you feeling alone or lacking IN a relationship, especially when you can find more happiness SINGLE. 

There was an exchange in the 2nd episode of Testaments where one girl said to another that she didn't want to be married and didn't want a husband.  The other was shocked and said, "What would you do?"  It is so sad that so many feel this way, even now.   I have lived enough of my life single to know and have rediscovered in recent months that you can still go out to eat at restaurants on your own, go to ball games on your own, go to concerts on your own, etc... or go and do those things with friends.  You do not need to be in a relationship to have them and definitely not be married.  I am open to being in a relationship that makes me feel safe and happy and allows me to make someone else feel safe and happy, if it works with my attachment style and love languages.   However, I am not going to rush into anything and feel like I have to see it through, simply because that is the general default of society.  Like most single people of an older age, I have done the period of kids and family, and I don't need to have a wife to have a happy life... though not everyone can understand that.. especially anyone in their early decades.... thus.. be content to be misunderstood.

So, to sum this up, you DO need to risk, if you are going to seek reward; however, you do NOT need to have that risk limit your own happiness or what is the point?  Risk, but always remember that YOU are the one making the risk for YOUR goals, not those of anyone else.

Attachment Styles

So, big disclaimer.. I am not a psychologist or counselor of any kind.  Nor do I claim any authority or ability in that regard due to my readings or Bible degree, even as some feel that gives authority in all matters.  But, what I will do is give a little of my own peace and understanding that came from considering this in my reflections and how it has given me more guidance for my life.  In my opinion, they are one of the most important things that you can understand to help you in not only identifying potential mates but learning how to interact with different people, according to their style.

There are different types of attachment styles, describing how one connects with others in an interpersonal way.  Almost all of them have names that are easily seen as insulting, causing people to want to deny that they fit in one category or another.  But, they are simply groupings of how one interacts, caused either by past experiences or by personality traits.  Much like Love Languages, not understanding them can cause you to interact in poor ways or seek things that others cannot give.  

I want to make one thing very clear, however.  My saying this is not an attack, and it is not meant to be insulting to anyone of any group.  My purpose here is not to be conclusive or judgmental but purely to put forth a concept that would be good for you to explore.  It has definitely helped me to make sense of things.

Depending on who you are watching in a video or reading in an article there are a different number of attachment styles.  I personally fit more the anxious attachment style.  When someone first said that, I had a very defensive reaction, as many do to hearing their style.  That is probably, because we are in some way critical of our own style, already.  However, it is not something to fear but to embrace, as you learn to grow from it towards a way that can interact better with others.

The anxious attachment style is  a type that find security in closeness and emotional feedback from others.  They will often fail to set healthy boundaries for themselves and will give up much of themselves in trying to please other people.  They draw inner validation from the closeness that they get, and as such they will notice subtle shifts in someone's expression or reaction and can often misinterpret them to be about themselves.  Yes.. I am being hard on myself with this, and I am working on each of these, even as I know that being an emotionally driven person that many of them will always remain in some degree.  We can also be very passionately expressive and empathetic, as well, which many draw from for their strength.

Another type is dismissive avoidant attachment.  This is either the result of the past or a feature of their personality.  Sometimes, an anxious person can become avoidant for a period.  This type values independence and fears losing that to someone else in drawing close.  They have learned that emotional closeness can be risky, so drawing close to them does not cause peace but insecurity.  They need time alone to balance and distance.  It does not mean that they do not care.  It is just that this caring comes with walls.  It also allows them to set the boundaries that the anxious person can lack and to focus on pursuit of their goals without distraction, and they can add the mentally balancing portion of a relationship to an anxious one, as well.

How this is important and why I am doing the blog is that the interaction of these two can be explosive and self destructive to both sides.  When a conflict happens, the anxious person wants to draw close, which causes the avoidant to pull away which causes the anxious to become more anxious and pull closer and so on and so forth.  It is not because either side is consciously doing anything wrong.  Indeed, both are trying to love the other in the best way they know to do it as themselves, though in the moment of emotions neither may be fully appreciating the affect on the other.

So.. again.. I am not doing this blog to say anyone is wrong or broken.  The point is simply that this is obviously a VERY important thing for people to consider in choosing who to date and how to operate in relationships.  Understanding it has given me much peace of myself and of others.  So, I felt it was a good thing to share here, as well.

Why Pt 2 - Dating Application

I had this thought for this blog a week ago, but it was still peculating.  I think the concept works best in application to dating, though it can work for any kind of interpersonal connection.  

Today, I had free time, so I browsed a few dating apps.  Honestly, it has been something that I am open to do but not doing, and it is still very uncomfortable for me to consider and do, so it will be a light browse a only casual dating for a while.  But, just like returning to places I have been with people from the past in order to build new memories there, it is similar in this regard.. only harder.  I have to rebuild those interpersonal conversation and connection skills that I have used in the past.  Doing things like going to Meetup events and talking to friends also helps with this.  Well.. fitness may be a better metaphor.  So, I'll do a paragraph about that, too.

When I first started really getting back into fitness, I tried to run, and I hurt, and my time was horrible.  Then, I began walking.. first a few days a week, then most days a week, then began running-walking intervals, and then I ran today, again.  Today's was much easier, and my time was actually pretty good for an amateur runner of my age.  It took rebuilding those muscles by use, and I think it will take a while of that to really get in my comfort zone, again, without triggering sensitive spots and memories.  But.... I'll get there.

Anyways, to get back to my point of why.  I've been thinking new ways about the use of dating apps and dating in general than I used to think.  My thinking is that it should start more casual, for example.  However, almost all dating apps have some place for you to put your interests.  So, people will check the boxes or say the things in which they are interested.  If there is a shared interest, it's a match... right?  Eh.. not necessarily.  Because, you really need to ask on those interests... why.

WHY do they like those things?  HOW do they like to do it?  They must be questioned, because two people can have the same interests and yet have very different ways of seeking them and pleasing them.  There are also varying levels of interest in those things, and that is ok.  We don't have to share all interests and in the same way, but if we don't ask why we can create assumptions about other people that equate our own, and that is not always the case.

For example, many use religion and faith to mean a WHOLE lot about someone, but defined by how that one believes faith to be.  I have a personal faith, but it is not the same as many with very public faiths, for example.  For some that is religious they care for your soul.  That's nice, and I get what they are feeling, because to them the soul is very important.  However, I would rather have someone that cares for more about me than my soul.  I want them to care how I feel, if I'm under stress, if I am happy, or just care to know more about me.  Today, I ran for the first time in a long time and a good pace, as I noted.  Tonight, I cooked a very nice meal that I had not made, before. I posted both on social media.  I didn't do so to get attention, as my recent way of thinking is that we should just do what we like to do and the right ones will notice that and be drawn to us.  However, it was a thought that I had, this evening, that many that I know may not be liking those things or expressing interest in me, because I didn't attend a service today or post about the holiday.  They will assume certain things about me, and I tire of trying to either please the judgments of others or being concerned when they do so judge.  That's fine.  That's their perspective.  I understand that, but it isn't what I am seeking.

What I am seeking is someone that cares about the good things that I celebrate, simply because they like to see me happy, and they care about the dark times and challenges that I face, because they care about me in those times, as well.  I do believe in God, and I live a good life that cares for others, but I want someone that loves me when my day is dark and my struggles are real.  I would honestly rather date a caring atheist than someone that has religious leaning that only notice what I didn't do.  

But, that's just religion.  You can say the same things about other things.  I like to write, but there is a lot of different kinds of writers.  I like scifi, but there are many scifi fandoms, many of which are at odds with one another.  Whether it be travel, dancing, music, cooking, taking pics, or any other things, each have a multitude of reasons why they are important to each person, and sharing them does not necessarily make one right for another.   

So, I am still growing and changing, and exploring; and I will say that I am not entirely sure what I will like or what will work with me.  I do have some experience to draw from, but it is really a new adventure.  So, as uncomfortable as it is for me to ... get back out there and chat with others. that's what it will take to figure things out, and a really good way to start those conversations is to simply ask someone... why.  I wish you luck, courage, and flexibility to adapt, all of which I will definitely need, as well.

Life and Death

I have been reflecting on the past, some, over the past several days.  To be fair, baseball season began, and that was something that I did a lot with the person to whom I was engaged.  And, this weekend is the floral event at the local museum, which I also did with her.  Things like that are bound to trigger old memories, just as I see memories of thing I did with my kids when I do all kinds of things all around town.  It doesn't mean that I have to tie those things to that person.  Indeed, I did both of those things BEFORE I ever knew her, also.  That was just the last year of doing them, so it brought forth those memories.  However, the only way to get past that is to keep experiencing those things to build new experiences at those places, again.

However, between that and the significance of this weekend, there has been a lot of philosophical and emotional processing that is happening.  Why this weekend?  Really... it's metaphorical.  This is Easter weekend, so as per tradition (adopted from Pagan traditions but I'll let that go for now) today is the day that Jesus died, and Sunday is the day that is used to celebrate his resurrection into new life.  It's not 3 literal 24 hour periods, yet the church calls it three days... but.. I'll let that go, too.  As per tradition, this is the day of death of the past, and Sunday is the day of birth of new life.  I'm gonna go ahead and jump forward towards the new life, as the Full Moon cycle has already begun for this year and month, which is significant of new birth and growth.

There is a phrase that I heard many years ago, and I hated it when I heard it.  However, later, I would come to accept that it was important.  Today, I heard a co worker say the same thing.. they hated it, but it was true.  The phrase, which is also echoed in We Bought a Zoo (amazing movie) is that it is that it is.. or it isn't that it isn't.  Put a pin in that for a minute.

A long time ago, I was working through a personal philosophy that was meant to tie together science and religion.  In it, I was very focused in one part of it with the definition of life and death.  Life.. I said... was activity.  Atoms were alive, as they were moving.  Something that was dead had less activity in its molecules and less electrical signals in its brains.  Activity was life.  Less activity was more towards death, which was a spectrum of life and death, based on activity.  In that viewpoint, if something had no activity, it was dead.  Indeed, religion echos this.  James in his epistle says that "faith without works is dead."  You had to have activity for something to truly exist.

I say all of that to say this.  If there is no activity from past things.. no one reaching out... no one making an effort.. whether that be relationships, family, friends, or more.. then those connections are dead.  If there was new activity, it could be new life, but the past life is dead, and why spend your time focused on death, when you are alive and have the potential to create new life around you.

Indeed, as we enter into Easter weekend, I am less interested in acknowledging past faults, which I already do in order to grow, not to gain absolution from guilt, than I am in looking forward to the potential that exists in new life that can exist.  It is time for my stone to roll away, and it is time that I come out into the light, like Jesus or the citizens of the City of Ember.  

Life is ahead of you, or as the main character says in Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporiam (a wonderful movie), "your life is an occasion.  Rise to it." 

A Little Fantasy Fiction

Another short, short fiction writing exercise.  Ok.. let's go..

 Anew

Stemble woke with the morning light, the breeze tickling through his branches and rustling his leaves as if to say hello on its way through the meadow.  He had so many mornings like this.  He had greeted the morning so many times, that he entertained the illusion that the morning waited for HIM to awake, before it began its journey.

For a moment, he felt out for Chrystale, his long time friend and partner, but then he recalled that many years before she had been cut down by the Orcs on their campaign to fight the elves and some little ones.  The pain of hearing her wounds still burned in the core of his trunk.  She had been with him for so long, and they had greeted the universe, together.  It seemed that so many of those that he used to know had been cut down in their time, and he felt more and more alone, except for the animals that had made their home in his trunk.  He didn't mind them.  He liked the company, in fact... except for the woodpecker, who picked the worst times to pay a visit.

But, he had seen them, generation after generation.  They came.  They went.  And, he had the perspective that he wished he could impart to them.  All of them were so busy... so rushed and active and feeling like all of the universe was in whatever moment they happened to see.  But, he had seen those moments, and he had seen the moments after.  A perspective like that left one understanding that the universe is not for a life but a life for the universe... was not finite but infinite... was not happening all around one but was found by observing ones own part within the great song that never ended... till it did... he missed Chrystale.

"Good morning," called a little voice, below.  "Good morning," he questioned back.  Who are you, little one?"  

"I'm not quite sure, yet.  All I know is that my mom used to stand, here, beside me, til she was cut down."

And, Stemble noted from where the voice was rising.. it was just next to where he used to touch branches with Chrystale.  This must be her daughter.

"Ah, I'm sorry that happened to you, little one.  But, I knew your mother, and I could tell you wonderful stories about her."

"Oh, Really? That would be wonderful.  Thank you."

And, for the first time in what seemed like ages, Stemble felt the light upon his branches and the wind turned as if to say, your time is not done, yet.  And, his trunk swelled with pride in being able to have purpose and to give one last gift to his long friend, once more.