What Boundaries Protect

As with many other things that I take the time to process and think through on my own, there are going to be a lot of people that don't get it or understand, as well as others that are like... FINALLY, he's getting it.  But, I don't do my processing for pleasing either group.  Sometimes, it takes people a little longer to get there, but they need that time to get there.  Rushing them there can have them miss important steps in development, along the way.

So, I wanted to do another post about what it is that boundaries are meant to protect.  This isn't a new concept to my point, just an element within it that explains why boundaries are important.  Boundaries that you erect to keep you from giving too much of yourself does not mean that you are not going to want to give.  I am about to go give my time to a charity, this morning.  That is a part of who you are as a person should be one thing that you protect with your boundaries, as well.  However, it can and should be limited such that it does not prevent you from fulfilling your other needs, too.  

What boundaries are meant to protect in my mindset is the lifestyle and life that you deserve and desire.  This cannot be done giving too much to things that grow in need, due to their reliance upon you.  You have to balance all of your needs.  Do you desire to give gifts to family?  Do you desire to go to baseball games and needs of entertainment?  Do you desire to read or to puzzle or to get fit or something else?  Do you desire to find a romantic partner and live a romantic life?  Whatever it is that you have in your mind that will be important for you to be able to be happy, you need to budget your money and your time in order to make sure you have the ability to do them.  And, that will require you to say no.

Saying no is not easy to me, but it is something I am getting better at doing the more that I am practicing my boundaries.  When I decide to do something for myself, that does not mean that I need to give that experience to others around me.  They should be providing for their own experiences.  Some, I can include, if that is such that it fits my own goals and is appropriate.  There are many things that are done only as couples.  In the course of my processing in the last year, I thought... why can't people that are just friends do this or that in a non romantic way.  And, truly, it is possible that those involved can keep the correct mentality about the sharing of the events (though that needs to be done actively), but what I am discovering is that everywhere you go others will automatically assume you are a couple, even if you are not.  So, it doesn't matter what you believe to keep the right impression.  Unless you want to keep explaining everywhere you go, you must set boundaries on what you will do with friends, as well.  And, when they are reserved for your special future someone, it will BE special, as it once was with another.

But, to get back to my point, boundaries protect YOU and your ability to BE you and to live the life that you desire with those that you desire in the way that you desire.  Give, but the first person to whom you should give is yourself being given the chance to have the life that you deserve to be living towards the happiness that you desire.

Charity

Charity is not about feeling superior.  It is not about getting enough back for what you give in return.  It is not about getting recognition for your organization or your faith or your family or whatever else there would be as your "side" or "people".. It is about need and a heart that cannot see a need without wanting to help.

I won't go into details, as I am making a choice to keep those details out of my social media or blog posts, but there is a reason that I am the age that I am without a huge savings.  In most of my life, I walked from helping one person in need to another... or multiple.  In almost all of those cases, I would find myself in time on my own, and often when my own need arose I would find myself without similar giving hands.  

However... does that mean that I regret what I did or gave?  Not in the slightest, because my choice to give was never based in what I received.  It was based in having love enough to give to someone that didn't deserve the fate they had been given or had a physical, psychological, or financial need.  Whether my giving was acknowledged with gratitude or would be seen by others as an attempt to control was beyond my ability to predict or manage and had NOTHING to do with the value of the giving.

At different times in my life, I have worked in non profits in a customer facing role.. not really one I am in currently, but I have been in that role.  I found that when you did things to help those in need, you were met oftentimes with anger and shame by the one receiving it.  I understand.  There have been times in my life that for different reasons I had to live on state benefits, and it took a lot of pride swallowing to accept the help.  This is routinely an adult reaction, as I have heard children cheer that they would have a meal, tomorrow.  But, to the adult, feeling like you have to rely on someone else can be an offensive thing and the giver a burden.

However... again.. does that mean that the giving should not be done?  No.  I recently read a meme that said what you give may not always be given back to you, but it will always be a reflection of how YOU are.  I'd say that I want to be a good person and do that, but the reality is that I know I am NOT always a good person.... and YET I still want to do that, partially because I know what it is like to live in shame and rejection and need.

Charity isn't about you or your organization or your reward or your acceptance.  It isn't about buying a ticket into heaven, and it isn't about paying for your sings.  It has nothing to do with YOU at all, other than simply... do you care enough to give.  And, that... these days.. is a lot more relevant question than it should be.