Step Up

I watched Tomorrowland the other day.  I don't know why I took so long to watch it.  Well, yes... I do.  Just like with my playlists a lot of my life is led by inner feelings and sometimes things look good but is not the right timing to digest it.  So, later, I come back to it and absorb it.  This was a good time to do so.

There are a lot of great quotes in that movie, but I will lead off this post with an exchange at the beginning of it.  In the beginning the teacher was presenting the doom and gloom about how the world is falling apart socially and physically.  Then, the main star of the movie raised her hand and asked what we are doing about it to fix it.  The teacher looked stunned as if he never would have considered that.

That, I think, is a very good analysis of where we are as a society, both on a large geopolitical manner and a person to person manner.  There is a lot of doom and gloom being presented by political figures and some media outlets that are, as she says in one part of the movie, feeding the wrong wolf.. the one of depression instead of the one of hope, and the wolf that gets fed is the one that wins out over the other.

Why do people do that?  Another figure, later in the movie, answers that question.  He says...

"In every moment there's the possibility of a better future, but you people won't believe it. And because you won't believe it you won't do what is necessary to make it a reality. So, you dwell on this terrible future. You resign yourselves to it for one reason, because *that* future does not ask anything of you today." Tomorrowland

Exactly.  It is a lot easier to sink into a self sacrificial delusion and depression than to actually rise up and do something to... fix it... as she asked.  That takes effort and pain and struggle and risk.  I am in the middle of a plan of taking such a risk to reconnect with some that has been separate, and there is no guarentee that it will be successful.  However, whether it is successful and whether it is easy is not the standard.  It is something that I want, and it is right.  And, so I go.  I made the plan to do so with the full expectation that it would get difficult, but I am finding something true that I recently saw in a quote from Rumi, "As you start to walk on the way, the way appears," and I am being met with a very smooth path, now.  But, even if the smooth and blessed path went away, I would still follow it.

While it is important to observe reality and flow with it towards what you desire and need, it is not a process that is done when it is safe or easy or accepted.  It is born out of a heart that has the courage to say.. I am worthy of my best.  So, that would be my challenge to you this weekend.. are you giving your dreams your best?  If not, step up.  You are worth it.

Be True to You

I want to step back to note something I noted weeks ago and has not ceased to be true but was not the most recent focus.  I was covering it, back when I was talking about boundaries a lot, and I think it bears repeating.  One of the first things that you need to do is take time to learn about yourself and what you need, and then you need to establish limits upon yourself to make sure you fulfill those needs.. and that is called setting boundaries upon yourself.  Sometimes, that is boundaries to preserve your money or your time.  However, if you did take the time to learn about yourself, those boundaries must keep those realities in mind.

I have spent a lot of time talking about improving yourself in recent weeks, as I have been making strides in that process, myself.  However, there is a difference between becoming the best YOU that you can be and becoming someone else's dream of what they would like you to be for them.  If you were to go down that path and curtail your own neeeds just to gain favor of someone else or set aside your needs for the wants or needs of others, you would find yourself right back into the same house of cards that has so often collapsed, in your past.

For example, I have been focusing on reason and logic and the brain to guide your steps, and that is a much more successful guide than emotions that can lead you astray.  HOWEVER, that has not and will not change the fact that in any romantic relationship that I will have, there must be an open exchange of emotions and flirting and care and more, or I would see no reason to be in such a relationship.  My focus on reason is not a substitute or acceptable alternative to me.  It is a guard to move me forward UNTIL such time as I feel safe to open up to what I truly desire.  I will not drop that guard, until that time and location so presents itself.  Until then, I will focus on other needs and see them done.

So, this blog post is a reminder that the first place to start in recovering and rebuilding your life is to first determine what it is that you need to be happy.  Then, you make step by step moves in a plan to get you to where you can find a good foundation in yourself, be balanced and happy on your own, and wait til and if something comes along that does meet your needs.  To do anything else is just to repeat broken cycles that lead you to the same outcomes, again and again.

Rise

Do you have the courage to rise, when you have fallen?  It does take courage, but it will be a fight.. against restrictions and limitations, against doubts and doubters, but most importantly against your own habits, fears, and security.

I've noted in the past how the first time that I went down to Florida from Oklahoma in 2020, I did so without a job, without much money, and without a car.  I had my will and belief in my ability, and that built up everything else... during a pandemic.  In doing so, I had to leave the security of stability and take a risk to be near my child, as I had just gone through my second divorce and had given custody back to my first ex of our child and wanted to go down to where they were to be in their life, even though that ex had a psychological condition that caused her to have symptoms like paranoia, religious grandeur delusions, and competition to the level of feeling like everyone was against her... symptoms that would lead eventually to her undermining me to my child and trying to block me from them as I was in their view not a good influence on my child.... the child that I raised pretty much on my own for the first several years due to that same condition post partum and the child I had been very active in raising more years than my ex that felt she needed to gain control.  But, when that ex did that, I didn't want to put my child in the midst of a struggle and allowed it to happen.  Yet, that was not rising.  That was letting someone else push me down.  The easy course of action was not to rise but to accept defeat.

Now, I find myself in an ironically similar cycle.  I have been helping my 2nd ex wife out as roommate for financial purposes, but several months ago I started setting boundaries where I chose things for myself and my own potential, including letting her know I will be going back down to Florida in November to be near my child.  I continue reaching out to them, and I will continue to do so.  I will be there, when the seeds of that effort take root.  Unlike the last time, I am not doing it from a position of weakness.  I am on friendship level with my 2nd ex wife, when was not the case, prior.  I am not going with nothing but am saving up til I leave in November.  I am not going to go unemployed but will be getting a job before I ever leave here.

But, none of this is easy.  I am cutting my expenses to save up money, which helped me recently pay for some auto repair bills.  I am in a sort of no mans land at present, not able to establish connections here but not able to do so there, yet... at least not much.  I am not living where I will be living in years to come.  I am in the waiting period before potential can .begin, and that is a difficult place to be.

But, one thing is true and gives me peace and patience.  For the firt time in a long time, I am on a path that I am designing for myself to be where I want to be... not just to be near my child but because I like who I came to be in Florida and am looking forward to being that way, again.  This path is my own, and the end of that path is a life I am choosing.  It is not out of convenience, money, popularity, or glory.  It will have difficult days and challenges, ahead.  But, given the choice of letting others push me down and make me less or choosing to improve myself and my life chapters by my own hand, I will choose to rise.

Charity is Charity

I am someone that has always given much of myself to benefit others, where I saw a need existed.  It was never to check a box to win my way into heaven or to pay for past sins.  It was simply that they had a need, so I gave.  I still believe in giving to needs, even as I am learning to impose limited and boundaries on how much of myself I give away.  Yet, there needs to be focus on one thing that I didn't always undestand and needs to be noted to be true.  Charity is charity.

That may sound like it is obvious, but it has not always been understood by myself or by others, and I think the confusion is shared by many others out there, so I will explain.  

Probably the best way to highlight the error is to describe what charity is NOT.  Charity for meeting the needs of others is not romance or a relationship, either romantic relationship or friendship.  It is just charity meeting a need.  Just because you are helping someone should not be seen by yourself as a romantic act, so if you are in a romance there should be romantic items being done.  Similarly, just because someone is giving to you, receiving it is not a romantic act.  It is receiving charity and should not be seen as romance.  Both of these are true of friendships in their forms of connection, as well.

To echo the beginning of this blog post, I am not saying do not give.  Give, while respecting the boundary of keeping for your own needs and plans.  But, do not confluse doing so as anything more than it is... giving to meet a need.

Challenging My Emotional Foundations

I noted this on my social media a few days ago and said I would be blogging about it when I had a little more time and mental capacity to do it right.  However, recently, I have been taking aim at my own perceptions from the past in regards to the role of emotions and seeing things differently than I used to see them.

First of all, I want to lead off by saying that I am not saying there is not a place for emotions and romantic gestures and actions by all involved.  I don't believe that a connection without those things is a romantic relationship and could just be friendship.  I am a roommate with someone and am not in a relationship with her.  We handle day to day things by agreement, have conversations, and help each other out from time to time.  None of that makes it a relationship.  And, in a few months I will be moving out, and it will not be taking an emotional tole.  Romantic relationships must have romance in it by both sides.

HOWEVER, to counter the importance of that and my own prior perceptions regarding the role of feelings, I have been asking some hard questions.  Some people will probably agree with my challenge, while others may agree with my old view that I am challenging.  Nevertheless, here we go.

Is it possible that what I felt was true love was actually signs of psychological needs, instead?  And, the feeling of completeness was simply feeling those needs satisfied and not necessarily something mutual?  When I was feeling the need for closeness, was that a sign of not feeling balanced in myself.  When I was wanting support and comlements, was that the need for validation?  When I was changing to please them, was that my fearing loss?

I can go on, and I don't have any answers to this.  But, I am feeling more and more balanced on my own as a single person, lately, and more able to have a happy life on my own.  As I am doing so, I find I have less of those old needs and that makes me wonder if they were actually healthy in a relationship.  I do know that if I get into one in the future, it will look differently.  I will want time on my own to do things on my own without my partner.  I will not be bending my preference all the time but stating it and doing it if I feel the need.  That would be a true partnership, and I feel that is one I am not sure I have ever had.

So, anyways, I wanted to put this out there for others to consider, as well.

Shine and Attract

We have an influence in how we want our lives to look.  That's why observation is important.  That's why boundaries are important.  That's why self love is important.  That's why reason is important.  That's why choices are important.  All of these are blog post themes of mine this year and often in prior years.

A person will show you what they want and how they are.  It's not always a case of good or bad (no one can be only one or the other) but qualities, needs, personality.  You should not expect anything else from them.  If you do, that's on you.  

So, you need to know who YOU are, shine who you are, and be clear to convey what you need and want.  This will weed out difficult periods of finding out someone doesn't actually like you.  Then, in time, someone will see you and be like... FINALLY and pursue you and never let you go.  All you have to do is shine your true you, and the universe will do the rest.

Boundaries Examples

This will be short, but i wanted to explain and give examples of boundaries in your life and why it is important to have them.

It took until this year for me to understand that boundaries are not things we put on the actions of other people but on ourselves.  Many still don't get that.  A boundaries isn't saying that someone else should do or don't do this or that to please me.  A boundary literally says I will go this far and no more.   It is our BOUNDARY of effort, giving, doing, etc.   That will impact how and whether we choose to do things with or for others.  It is not an either or.  It can be yes, but.  It can be I'll help to this extent, but I will be faithful to my own needs, first.  It can be... that's a you activity or show to do without me,because I do not have an interest in it, without making conclusions about the value of the other person as a whole.  And, it can be.. you are a good person but not what I need for a close connection.

Those are just a few examples, but but the point is that you are looking our for your own needs and clearly communicating your limits, while making choices to support your own peace and happiness.   Because, in the end, that is our responsibility to ourselves to do.

Trust What You Know

I have done great things with my fitness.  Since October, I have lost almost 20 pounds, and I am feeling and looking very healthy.  And, there is one key thing that has been true, both in regards to exercise and diet.  I had to trust what I knew to be true instead of what I felt to be true 

With exercise, it took months of exercise, before my weight began to drop, as my muscles had to build and muscle weighs more than fat. So, for months I was feeling tired and sore and saw my weight actually go up at times.  But, I knew it would change if I stuck with it.

Similarly, I cut my portion sizes and had meals with less carbs and more protein that was smaller in size.  My body felt like that wasn't enough food, but I knew that nutritionally it had all that I needed.  So, I would eat less or eat celery or other low fat healthy things, if I really needed to eat something.

Had I followed my feelings, I would have given up or made little progress.  But, I trusted what I knew to be true, and I saw results.

I tell you this, because it is true in other areas of your life and fits with your boundaries and guiding your choices.  Very often, your feelings might be making you doubt what you know or try to make you imagine things that are not present.  You have to pay attention (see prior post) and determine what you know you need and what path will best get you there.  Facts can change, so you have to be flexible, but your best shot at happiness is if you stay true to what you know and not what you feel as you walk your own path to progress.

According to Plan

I just completed my 5 mile run this weekend of which I have been training since late March.  At that time, I was not running at all.  I had the confidence I could do it, but in order to make it happen, it took brutal honesty of how I was currently, create a training plan to get there, and dedicated work to make it happen.

I give this as an example, because I am applying this method in other areas of my life, as well.  You cannot budget on hope.  You cannot live in expectation that anyone else will suddenly come in to make it happen.  And, you cannot get there without all of the elements, above. 

Brutal Honesty 

Whatever it is that you want, you must first look at where you are with brutal honesty.  Don't be polite to please others or hopeful of things you do not see.  If you do that, you will remain paralyzed, forever, living your life for other people's dreams.

Make a Plan

Next, make your plan.  It should be achievable and real but have a challenge to meet.  It needs to recognize obstacles to remove and lead where you know provides at the very least a foundation for growth to more.  The next step is a worthy goal, as well.

Execute the Plan

Dedicate yourself to the plan.  Expect to have doubts or feel tired on some days, so do not let emotions sway your plan.  Emotions sway, so sway them back to the plan and stay on course.  It will take time,  so don't base success of the plan on immediate results but rather feel good about putting yourself first and journey onward.

My plan has milestones and steps, and I know exactly what each part will be this year.  I know it will lead to a good foundation of personal ownership of my life and my goals and good potential to reach them.  Then, the years that follow will only grow from there.

I don't know your plans, but if you really want to reach them, some version of this will be important for you as well.  I believe in you to be able to define and reach the happy milestones ahead in all your lives.

Reason vs Delusion

This last December, I got to take a trip to one of my favorite places that I have been, so far in my life.. Tampa Bay.  As part of that, I went to the Dali museum, and they were having a special showing of the life of Van Gogh.  As it progressed talking about it, it was referencing his growing mental illness and his loss of context with reality, until he finally killed himself.  As they were going though all of that, I was over there like.. wait.. what?  He was mentally ill?  Yes, I know he cut off his ear for a woman and that was bad, but he was just very passionate and emotional... right?  Right.. and that's the point.

Passions are a great thing to feel, and I am a very emotional person.  I have followed them into many, many life changes in my life, against reason and often against others speaking the reason.  I thought it was a GOOD quality, and I prided myself on following my passions... even if over and over again they would ultimately lead to pain... which of course they would, being against reason.

Passion and ideals are not supposed to be an alternative for reason.  They can work in concert.  However, when passion and emotions are not in line with situations that can last or are performed in a way and timing that is fitting, you cannot blame reality for them not magically working out.  Indeed, sometimes, pain is a good thing.  It can cause us to learn and to grow and to develop.  It is discontent that leads us to the desire to seek progress and take steps in that direction.  And, all of that is using REASON to guide, not how you are feeling.

People love to quote Socrates, as written down by Plato.  That whole school of Socrates delved into philosophy and ideals like beauty, love, and truth.  They would explore many concepts that are still to this day being discussed in classroom and courtrooms.  However, do you know what the end result of Socrates was?  That is not discussed in public, very often.  Socrates killed himself, believing that was being true to his principles.

So, this post has that point.  Yes, it is good for you to have emotions and ideals and to figure out what you like and want, and you should take definite moves in that direction.  However, you ALSO have to deal with the real life in which you find yourself.  You should not romanticize things that do not exist, nor base your budget upon hopes and dreams.  You base your budgets on work, and you work towards your dreams.  And, if something is not working, you learn and do something else.  THAT is the only way that you will ever reach the happiness that you desire, and it will take a lot of self discipline, telling others no, and patient and persistent choices to finally get you to where you want to be. 

Planning for a Happy Other After

I have two blog posts to write, tonight.  They are very different themes, and the next one will be more comfortable for you.  This one will challenge you and will probably piss off half my readers at first, but it is something that I have concluded is very important on the road to happiness... even for those that will be offended.  So... since that's kinda my thing a lot of time, let's just right into that one, first.

This blog post deals with the important role that doubt plays in your planning and direction of life.  I can hear the faith crowd cringe, already.. but stick with me, and you will have to agree from your own life experience.

I get it.  I was like you, SO many different times in my life.  I felt compelled to believe in my pursuits and situations, and having been taught in church sermons and Bible classes, I felt that it was a personal failure on my part to even THINK that it might not turn out as I wanted it to turn out.  Indeed, so many faith preachers would tell you that it is the doubt that would cause it to not come true.  You HAD to believe and not entertain any thoughts that it could not happen.  Yet, again and again over my life, it DIDN'T happen, and by the time that it didn't happen, I had dedicated a lot of time and resources into what even I could have admitted was not working, had I looked at it objectively, and walked away before it would break me from the attempt.  Imagine if scientists or accountants operated that way and said, "It's not working and hasn't worked, but by god we are going to just keep doing it, anyways."  That would be foolish and not in the best interests of anyone or anything other than satisfying... faith.

Doubt gets a bad rep.  Failure gets one, too.  Both does not mean that you need to have an unhappy life, and in fact are themselves the KEY to maintaining a happy one.  How?  Well, I can look back over my decades, and I am sure that you can do so in your own life examples; and I can see that HAD I entertained the possibility that things would NOT turn out the way that I had planned, I could have had the self respect and boundaries enough to retain more for myself and establish roots and plans and paths for myself that did not depend upon what was hoped coming true.

Indeed, I can look back over my life and look at periods of being truly happy on my own without someone else in my life.  Unlike memories that also included another person in them, those happy memories do not fade or go away, simply because someone is no longer in my life.  They maintain their happy glow without also including sorrow.  But, it doesn't mean that you have to be single for that to be true.  If you have the sense to have boundaries IN a relationship or connection with someone and insist upon having happy hobbies and time APART from the other person, while being in a relationship with them, those memories and times will ALSO maintain their happy glow, with or without them.

As I have been exploring and implementing my own personal boundaries, I have been reflecting on those things in my past that were objectively happy and where and what those things were.  I have also been taking personal times doing happy things that does not include anyone else.  I will continue to explore those memories and activities and make choices in light of what I am learning from that.  Does it mean that I will not hold out hope in finding someone, one day?  No.  I will continue to believe and do believe it will happen for me, again.  But, to return to my main point and drive it home, I will PLAN on a happy OTHER after if it NEVER happens.  I will not hold my breath or joy for something that may never happen but will plan on making my own happiness and finding happiness in whatever path my life will take.  And, I hope that you will welcome doubt in your own plans to do so, as well.

People buy life an health insurance plans and write wills and end of life plans, while yet hoping to live their lives in full.  I hope that you find your goals, but more so I hope that you will be grounded enough to prepare in the even that it doesn't happen that way.  Your happiness should not depend on faith, alone.  Unless you want the kind of rocky and jagged existence that I have too often faced, I hope you welcome doubt in your planning, as well. 

What I Want in a Relationship

I'm doing a 2nd blog post in the day, but I have all the pieces of it that came together in my mind, so I want to get it down, before I lose track of what all I wanted to say. I wanted to do a blog post about what it is that I am wanting in a relationship.  I have only said pieces in passing, here and there, and I feel that it is important to make it known.  It is a good time for me to do this blog post, because I am not in a relationship and have not been in one for almost 10 months.  This post will not be a strike back on anyone in the past, because I have grown and changed, and even back then I didn't speak up about my own needs enough or stand on them, so I cannot blame anyone else for failing to respect them.  I also failed back then in respecting the needs of them and others, further back, so I am not claiming to be perfect either.  I liked that time, and I am ready to move on.. so I don't want this to be about that.  It's about me... who I am at present and what I want going forward.  It also should not be seen as a prescription pad that must be followed to a T or a checklist for anyone to follow or seen as a job requirements list.  Again, it isn't about anyone else.  I simply want to state what is important to ME in a relationship, because I do not make that known, enough.

My own tastes have changed over the decades, as I learned more about myself and what I like and do not like and need to be happy.  There are many "love languages" as they would say or ways of expression of care, and not all of them can be received by all kinds of people.  That isn't to say that they are not important or would not be valued by the right people, but I think we spend too much time trying to force someone we like to speak our love language and appreciate what they are not born to see as love.  For example, many do not speak our or communicate their love for another, choosing instead to do acts of service.  Except, I do service all day long.. for the needy, for my work, for my friends, etc.  I don't get voiced appreciation for that but rather expectation, so while I do not expect anyone to do anything for me it is also not something that is necessarily meaning love but could simply mean they thought of you or maybe even that they just had extra of something and didn't want it to go to waste.  The point being, you cannot interpret acts to mean love, always.

I am a touchy kind of person, and I love to hold hands with my romantic one and hold them.  I miss that.  So, someone that appreciated that would be needed, and one that could return it when I am least expecting it would be sensational.  I mentioned how I like to communicate my love, and someone that can communicate it to me would get my attention, a lot.  If I am in a situation where I cannot express my love, then that love turns on itself and becomes despair and depression.   I want someone that can hold intellectual conversations with me or watch a romantic flick with me, but I don't want someone that is subservient to me.  I want someone that is independent enough to challenge me, because then when they choose me, it actually means that they choose ME and is more worthwhile.  

There is a phrase that I used to have on my dating apps (which I WILL be using in the coming weeks, because I do not believe in friends becoming something more but that relationships have a different skill set and development track).  The phrase was ...

 “I believe that the 4 most important ingredients in a relationship are loyalty, empathy, gratitude, and good old fashioned flirting. I believe a relationship is two people trying to make the other person smile. I believe that shared interests are nice but the important part is shared interest in each other. I believe in learning from the past but leaving it in the past and seeing each other as a new adventure.”

I believe all of those are still true for me, as well.  I think the only thing I would add to all of the above is that it cannot all be initiated by me.  If someone cannot participate in initiating things at times, I will not even entertain it, going forward.  I will also need someone that can respect my own needs and boundaries and allow me to live my life in my way... not to say there won't be concessions or things done for them, at times.  But, I will not become another person, ever again.

 Ok.  I think that is enough for now, but I wanted to make all of that known. 

 

 

What Boundaries Protect

As with many other things that I take the time to process and think through on my own, there are going to be a lot of people that don't get it or understand, as well as others that are like... FINALLY, he's getting it.  But, I don't do my processing for pleasing either group.  Sometimes, it takes people a little longer to get there, but they need that time to get there.  Rushing them there can have them miss important steps in development, along the way.

So, I wanted to do another post about what it is that boundaries are meant to protect.  This isn't a new concept to my point, just an element within it that explains why boundaries are important.  Boundaries that you erect to keep you from giving too much of yourself does not mean that you are not going to want to give.  I am about to go give my time to a charity, this morning.  That is a part of who you are as a person should be one thing that you protect with your boundaries, as well.  However, it can and should be limited such that it does not prevent you from fulfilling your other needs, too.  

What boundaries are meant to protect in my mindset is the lifestyle and life that you deserve and desire.  This cannot be done giving too much to things that grow in need, due to their reliance upon you.  You have to balance all of your needs.  Do you desire to give gifts to family?  Do you desire to go to baseball games and needs of entertainment?  Do you desire to read or to puzzle or to get fit or something else?  Do you desire to find a romantic partner and live a romantic life?  Whatever it is that you have in your mind that will be important for you to be able to be happy, you need to budget your money and your time in order to make sure you have the ability to do them.  And, that will require you to say no.

Saying no is not easy to me, but it is something I am getting better at doing the more that I am practicing my boundaries.  When I decide to do something for myself, that does not mean that I need to give that experience to others around me.  They should be providing for their own experiences.  Some, I can include, if that is such that it fits my own goals and is appropriate.  There are many things that are done only as couples.  In the course of my processing in the last year, I thought... why can't people that are just friends do this or that in a non romantic way.  And, truly, it is possible that those involved can keep the correct mentality about the sharing of the events (though that needs to be done actively), but what I am discovering is that everywhere you go others will automatically assume you are a couple, even if you are not.  So, it doesn't matter what you believe to keep the right impression.  Unless you want to keep explaining everywhere you go, you must set boundaries on what you will do with friends, as well.  And, when they are reserved for your special future someone, it will BE special, as it once was with another.

But, to get back to my point, boundaries protect YOU and your ability to BE you and to live the life that you desire with those that you desire in the way that you desire.  Give, but the first person to whom you should give is yourself being given the chance to have the life that you deserve to be living towards the happiness that you desire.

Boundaries Pt 2 - A Work in Progress

I've heard the lessons all the time, as I am sure you have, as I grew up and lived my life.  The airplane staff will tell you to put your own air mask on first, before you try to help another.  In the military, they said the same thing about putting your gas mask on, before you help another put on theirs.  The point being that you cannot help anyone if you are dead or passed out.  But, even as I heard those lessons by others, I have always struggled with it, but I did have some moments of success, such as the Florida years that I spoke of where I focused on what I liked to do to learn what exactly that might happen to be.  But, I quickly fall back into the routine of giving up the things that make up me, my own soul, to make others happy.  

Sometimes, when I think back about it over all those decades it makes me angry.  But, I remember one thing that a dear friend of mine said in correction to me after one of those moment when someone that I had cared for became angry at me for simply not providing it to me, anymore.  This was many years ago.. maybe a decade.  Anyways, when I was lamenting how they were behaving, my friend pointed out that I had been self sacrificing and giving like that for them for many years and that was what they had come to expect from me.  Suddenly, I saw that I was as much to blame for how they reacted as they were, because I had left the impression that I didn't have needs, feelings to consider, and so forth.  I led them to that reaction, because I had given too much to them and said that it was ok.

As I have noted in the past post, I am not saying that you should not consider others, but you need to consider yourself, first.  Even Jesus said to love your neighbor as you love yourself, presuming that you are already loving yourself.  If you are surrendering your soul for others and leaving yourself poor and stressed, you are not loving yourself.

So, I ask from others the same grace that I am giving myself... the same grace that I gave myself in Florida, which is the grace to make mistakes as you feel yourself out.  However, that grace doesn't mean patience till I come around to being like others or being a good little boy.  I'm definitely not very much that.  I am by nature emotional, passionate, wild, and hard to control.  I value my freedom and like my sexy mind and passion for life.  So, I'm not becoming a better version of the person others want me to be... that would be the very picture of violating my boundaries as noted above.  But, I will become the best version of myself, and that is the very person I want to be and whom my boundaries are made to protect.  So, even though it is a work in progress, I will go forward with my new boundaries, while at the same time forgiving others for violating them in the past, because I led them to believe that was an ok thing to do by not speaking up.  From now on, I will make an effort to know what I want and to make sure others know exactly what needs and wants they need to respect of mine, as well.

Boundaries

Setting personal boundaries for myself is something that I have often struggled with, as I am a very giving person who has always seen it as a great value in making someone else happy.  So, I have so many times allowed myself to get in a situation where my own needs and wants are limited or hurting in order to make someone else feel at comfort or secure.  Then, as does often happen, when that situation eventually ends, I find myself having to start from scratch or low and build myself up, again.  This is why I meet people of similar age that have a huge savings, while I have little.  I can literally point to different people in my life over the decades (not just romantic partners) where that money went... people that no longer even speak to me.

And, that leads me to another point in the course of discussing why boundaries are so important.  Giving to another is usually greeted with immediate thanksgiving but over time becomes resentment.  But, even if that isn't the case, it does over time go from being something that is met with thanksgiving and instead is met with expectation.  Indeed, I have seen over the decades people that live on public aid become comfortable with that aid, and they stop trying to rise from it.  Don't get me wrong, I tend left on this issue and think aid should always be given to those in need and not always do people have the ability to rise from it, and all of that should be considered for how long they are on the aid.  However, like my examples from the past and observations, there IS a case to be made that giving to another can teach them to not give to themselves, which is actually a harm for us to teach them to have that expectation and lack of self care, because the ability to provide for oneself, no matter the difficulty, is a key to self confidence and self respect.  And, this applies to equality of genders as well, as we should not keep those benefits from women to have in their own lives and their own domain of control over their own lives.

So, even though I have been saying that you should always give, and that is the message that I want to feel and be in myself, it is not always the wise choice for course of action to take.  In the end, YOU are responsible for only one life, YOURS.  Give, but give after you have accounted for your own needs for your own goals, first.  That is not permission to set greedy and high asset goals, but if you are finding yourself always poor in the life of caring for others you are failing at the goal of self love and self care.  Also, it is impossible to pour out of an empty cup.  So, even if setting boundaries is difficult at times to do, it is a necessary thing to do, if you are ever to chart your way to your goals and have someone along side you that wants you to reach them. 

You Are Valid

I wanted to bring together a few, among many, concepts that has been guiding principles in my life of late.  They have helped me keep a peaceful and steady march forward, and I think they are important to keep in mind in the minds of my readers, as well... no matter how your life may face.  They don't require a lot of talk, so this blog post will be rather short.

1.  First and to lead off with the topic of the post subject... you are valid.  Your feelings are valid.  Your personality is valid.  Your thoughts are valid.  Your way of doing things is valid.  Your life experience that led you to this point is also VERY valid... both the good and the bad.  Indeed.. I'll pause mid point here to note there is value in the bad and struggle.  I don't know if you are watching Fallout on TV, but there was a part in the season finale for this season that I won't give too much information about... but a character lost their dark side in a change that stripped them of their bad memories, and the person watching had tears in their eyes, knowing they had just lost the person they knew with the change.  But, to continue the point, You are valid, even if you are flawed.  Indeed, you are valid IN the flaws.  You don't have to be perfect to be worthy.  You are worthy, even as you are growing.  You are valid in your pains, and your pains are valid.  None of that changes any of your worth.  Indeed, it makes you worthy of a caring heart's response.

2.  People can be good and valid and not right for you for a relationship.  It is not right or wrong, good or bad, one or the other.  You don't have to judge someone as a bad person, just because they are not the kind of person that would work with you.  Indeed, if you know what you need and ignore it to get into a connection that ends badly, you are just as much to blame for that.  We all want to follow the heart, but the heart can get you into difficult or impossible situations.  There are many personality tests out there that will give you an idea of what you need to make you happy.  You need to enslave (strong word used for a purpose) your emotions to follow your needs.. either finding someone whose personality naturally works with yours or by agreement on both sides to respect the middle... though I am not sure that the latter actually exists.

3.  You need to stand your ground and make your choices to be happy.  No one else is going to be sacrificing their wants to make that happen for you all the time, and you should not be expecting others to provide it for you.  Your happiness is not their responsibility.  Their happiness is.  Your happiness is YOUR responsibility.  So, that means telling others no or wait or telling others what you want to do, even if it is not convenient for them.  If you do not get in this practice, it is very easy to lose yourself along the way. Get in the habit of saying what you want and doing what you need to be happy.  That doesn't mean that you cannot sacrifice and make choices to make others happy.  You should be doing that, as well.  But, you have to MAKE those moments happen that you enjoy, whether it be going for a photo walk in the cold, taking extra time to listen to music or do a puzzle, go shopping on your own, or... well.. making time to please yourself... ha.  I'm not that innocent minded.  Whatever it is, you have a responsibility to yourself, and you cannot delegate that or blame anyone else for your lack of doing it.

As always, I have more I could say, but that is enough for now.  I hope it helps.