Rise

Do you have the courage to rise, when you have fallen?  It does take courage, but it will be a fight.. against restrictions and limitations, against doubts and doubters, but most importantly against your own habits, fears, and security.

I've noted in the past how the first time that I went down to Florida from Oklahoma in 2020, I did so without a job, without much money, and without a car.  I had my will and belief in my ability, and that built up everything else... during a pandemic.  In doing so, I had to leave the security of stability and take a risk to be near my child, as I had just gone through my second divorce and had given custody back to my first ex of our child and wanted to go down to where they were to be in their life, even though that ex had a psychological condition that caused her to have symptoms like paranoia, religious grandeur delusions, and competition to the level of feeling like everyone was against her... symptoms that would lead eventually to her undermining me to my child and trying to block me from them as I was in their view not a good influence on my child.... the child that I raised pretty much on my own for the first several years due to that same condition post partum and the child I had been very active in raising more years than my ex that felt she needed to gain control.  But, when that ex did that, I didn't want to put my child in the midst of a struggle and allowed it to happen.  Yet, that was not rising.  That was letting someone else push me down.  The easy course of action was not to rise but to accept defeat.

Now, I find myself in an ironically similar cycle.  I have been helping my 2nd ex wife out as roommate for financial purposes, but several months ago I started setting boundaries where I chose things for myself and my own potential, including letting her know I will be going back down to Florida in November to be near my child.  I continue reaching out to them, and I will continue to do so.  I will be there, when the seeds of that effort take root.  Unlike the last time, I am not doing it from a position of weakness.  I am on friendship level with my 2nd ex wife, when was not the case, prior.  I am not going with nothing but am saving up til I leave in November.  I am not going to go unemployed but will be getting a job before I ever leave here.

But, none of this is easy.  I am cutting my expenses to save up money, which helped me recently pay for some auto repair bills.  I am in a sort of no mans land at present, not able to establish connections here but not able to do so there, yet... at least not much.  I am not living where I will be living in years to come.  I am in the waiting period before potential can .begin, and that is a difficult place to be.

But, one thing is true and gives me peace and patience.  For the firt time in a long time, I am on a path that I am designing for myself to be where I want to be... not just to be near my child but because I like who I came to be in Florida and am looking forward to being that way, again.  This path is my own, and the end of that path is a life I am choosing.  It is not out of convenience, money, popularity, or glory.  It will have difficult days and challenges, ahead.  But, given the choice of letting others push me down and make me less or choosing to improve myself and my life chapters by my own hand, I will choose to rise.