Ask Why

There is a wonderful scene in Ted Lasso that I have in my most recent Youtube playlist where Ted is playing darts with his boss's ex, who underestimated his ability.  Ted gives this speech about being underestimated most of his life, and he says that he finally understood that their problem wasn't with him but was because they were judgmental, not curious, because a curious person would ask if he had played darts, which he had.

So many people are quick to make snap decisions about someone or even worse to make determined judgments about someone and then to so commit to that judgment that they will not only not waver from the judgment but will invest in making sure that others hold the same opinion and to point out enough flaws to justify their condemnation, as well.  You see this on both sides, politically, and it is one reason that I withhold endorsement from either side, as I have seen both do it.

But, to move off of politics or even personal interactions, it touches on a bigger factor, and that is that in order to really make wise decisions in this life and to grow, we must develop a habit of asking... why.  WHY did that thing happen in my life?  WHY do I respond the way that I do?  WHY am I not reaching my goals?  WHY am I failing at my attempts at dating, friendships, work life balance, hobby success, finding peace, finding joy, BEING joy and peace and love to others, and more.  If you do not ask, you will not change.  If you do not change your way about doing things from your patterns, you can only expect the same results.  I routinely evaluate the things that I am doing to determine if there is a better way of doing it, and I intentionally surround myself with people that disagree so that I will get all sides of an issue and to have someone to tell me things that I don't want to hear.  How else can you grow, if you only listen to those that are like you.

So, this week, I would simply say this.. ask why... ask it about yourself. Ask it about your habits.  Ask it about your opinions.  Ask it about your choices.  Ask it about the things that others accept without question.  And, ask it about things that have no bearing on you at all, if only to truly understand another person or the world in which we live.  I look forward to the wonderful world that you will discover within you and outside you.  Have fun.

Feel Your Feelings

I am thinking as I reflect on some of my recent posts and focuses that it is important to post a contrasting reality that I have touched on in some of the posts but have not focused on, lately.. yet is something that I am aware of and apply, personally.

Yes, I am making a concerted effort to focus on the positive in my life, and would suggest that you do in your own life, which I will say further in a bit.  HOWEVER, my personal application and suggestion is not that you bury your pain or doubt or sadness or more and act like it does not exist.  I don't do that.  Rather, I feel that it has a role to play in formation of us that should be kept.  

In the most recent Agatha Christie mini series, Seven Dials, the main character is attacking a desk with a crow bar in her anger over the death of a friend and love interest.  The maid starts rushing for her room, but her mother, played by Helena Bonham Carter, stops her and says something like "Do not steal her grief."  It reminded me of a line by Agatha Harkness character (played by Kathryn Hahn) in Agatha All Along, where she says, "Don't rob her of her struggle."  And, in all of my focus on the positive, I do not want to take that from you.

I do not pretend that bad things hasn't happened or good things have passed or that I am perfect and don't mistakes.  One thing you will routinely hear from me in my blog posts and social media posts is that I AM flawed and make mistakes. I have understood that and have made that known for year, even though sometimes I forget in the pursuit of being better.

There are a couple songs that I have in my playlists from time to time that says this, and I think it is time to bring them back into the mix.  Sia in I am Healing says,"I've walked though shadows, carried the pain, silent battles left me standing in the rain, the weight of memories I couldn't release, but broken peaces can still find peace."  I know that it is hard to feel that you will feel that peace and many times in my life over many different circumstances, I felt that I could not, either.  But, the solution was not to try to escape the pain but to feel it and process it.  In that processing, I found that I had to accept my dark side and my dark history.  Yes, it happened, and you should not apologize for being yourself but you can grow from the mistakes and improve to be the best version of yourself.  It is important to give yourself grace on the journey.

I do have one in my current playlist ending March by Florence and the Machine in Everybody Scream, where she says, "I don't have to be kind, extraordinary, and normal, all at the same time."  Olivia O'Brien says in Love Myself, "I don't need to know who I am yet.  I don't need to have a solid plan yet, I don't need to e the same as everyone else, I just need to motherfuckin' love myself."

So, I will leave you with that.  FEEL your pain and struggle and process and grow from it.  It will not and should not ever go completely away, but you can make peace with your demons and begin to include new happiness and build a new you from it all, and I hope for your happiness that you do. 

A Little Romantic Fiction

So, I have unused romantic energies and a habit of writing.  I think I will start periodically using them and putting out a completely original short story.. it won't always be romantic, but I think it will be tonight.  It will not reflect anything of my past, and any coincidence with anyone is completely coincidental.  But... here goes...

 

Michael stood over the archeological dig, watching from the makeshift tent doorway, as his interns and the local volunteers and professionals were hard at work.  It had been a dream and then a dazzling reality and now an albatros of both exhaustion and fear that he had wasted everyone's time.  However, finding the cursed snake head diadem of this particular Egyptian princess had escaped so many researchers, before him. Now, he was beginning to think the real curse was the humbling of manly pride.  So, he stood and looked, sipping his brandy and reflecting on his life choices that had brought him to this point.  But, it had to be leading to something grand..

"She's not out there, you know."

Michael spun to see the source of the words.  It was his beautiful but spicy assistant, who was top of her class at her school and was currently the biggest wet blanket on many of his ideas but also the sharpening stone that had brought him to several major steps in his search.

"Who is not out there?"

"The girl that you imagine is worthy of that crown.  Whoever it was, she was just a girl in fancy jewelry."

Michael smirked at Michelle's spunky stance and look of contempt.  He wouldn't tell her, but that just made her all the more hot to him.

"Well, not all works of beauty need a crown.. true," he admitted.  But, the idea of a woman that could command the attention of so many old world men.. now that's a treasure, as I am sure you understand, very well."

Michelle's expression softened, and a smile crossed her face.  When she smiled, the light from her eyes completely paralyzed and controlled Michael, such that he knew that he would gladly volunteer to be the puppet in her puppet strings.  It would be both his greatest honor and his pleasure to be prized by her.

"Well, a princess DOES get to choose who she can command."  And, with that, she stepped close to Michael.  They had been working together for years, and the tension had finally grown to a boiling point.  He wanted to finally feel his touch, more than an occasional brush down her back on a dig site, even though that had caused her to almost forget her name. 

Michael watched her approach, and the whole world faded.  This beautiful and smart princess had captured his attention for so long.  Her beauty, grace, intelligence, and drive was so thrilling.  He moved forward into her embrace, and kissed her soft and gentle lips.  And, at that moment, nothing else mattered.  All the stress just melted away, as his pulse quickened and his body responded to her body against his.  He pulled her close to him, brushing her side on the way down her exciting body.  She quivered at his touch but leaned into him.

Joy... passion.. peace.. pleasure all melted together into the knowledge that a NEW adventure had just begun, and, whatever course it may take, he knew this would be a worthy footnote and moment in his journey through the past to discover the future.

Know Thyself

People will tell you, wisely, after a breakup to take time to reflect and grow.  It is very good in this period to be very real with yourself and find ways you can improve or ways that you were different and so on.  However, I do not think this should be relegated to after breakups but before, as well.

From a lifetime of experience in reflection and without any details, I can tell you that one thing I see as a flaw in myself was not really taking the time to know myself and what it is that I need.  Or, if I did, I would set that aside and feel that I could make it work, differently, because I felt they were so special.

One counselor that I see video clips from online said one thing that I feel is a good thing to remember, "just because someone is a good person does not mean they are your person."  We need to make sure to use our mind to limit our hormones or emotions, otherwise you will face as I have a lifetime of consequences of not doing that, first.

People are different, and that is a good thing.  Not all differences are deal breakers, but some that relate to emotional needs and abilities are.  So, be careful as you move forward in life.  There is nothing wrong with staying single and enjoying the person you are and love.  Sometimes, you discover you aren't broken just in the wrong circles or audience.  I hope you have a good weekend .. even if only by yourself.

Be Controversially You

There has been several songs over my past playlists that work into this, but I think that it is time to say this, again.  It is very unfortunate that we have adopted a mentality that says that others need to approve of your way of thinking and feeling.  This was not something that used to be accepted, even for conservatives or liberals.  Yet, both have adopted the mindset that to be truly YOU and to live YOUR PURPOSE is to say what others should be like.

The really irritating part of this for anyone that has studied history is that this is NOT a new or evolved way of thinking.  It is the same old packaged mentality that has been passed down for hundreds of years... probably, honestly, as defense mechanisms in our genes to which many of us are just puppets.  However, let us take a few moments to consider it, objectively.

Would even you want your life to be decided by public discourse?   Would you like to be feeling that you and your lifestyle choices must be approved by a public of which you don't even agree with most of the time?  Who gave ANYONE else the authority to decide what is best for YOU in your life?

Many people will not understand, which is sad, but who you choose to be is not dependent upon the decisions of other people.  You are the only one responsible for your happiness.  If you ever faced unhappiness, you cannot blame anyone else without including YOU that made those choices, as well.  As for me, I applaud my interest and courage to try, even if it didn't work out to be the right choice.  That was not a failure.  It was a success in determining what does not work.

So, this short blog is only to say this.... be you.  Be absolutely and completely what you like and what you were made to be.  The world needs that, even if that same world will try to change you. Strike your true note, and be the happy person that you want to be, living the life that makes you happy.  Don't worry about those that cannot understand that.  Odds are that they don't like themselves, either.  Just be the amazing you that you are, and look forward and not back. 

About Me

I am keeping personal details others out of my social media and blog posts by personal choice, unless they are something that has been cleared for me to post.  However, that does not apply to me being able to post factual and positive things about me from my post .. accomplishments and moments of joy and so on.  So, I am going to do a quick bio of some of those, because it is my blog and I can.  And, the day that social censorship requires me to not speak about my own life is the day I will be breaking social censorship.  But, I am not g oing to be posting anything recent or current in this blog post.. just foundational past.

In high school, I was a mutt in terms of interests.  I was on the Newspaper staff, yearbook photographer, basketball team, baseball team, Mathematics League, and won awards for fair exhibits, academic competitions in things like math and science and history and more.  I went to and won the Jr level science fair regionally twice in Environmental Science with a fair exhibit on recycled plastic.  I won an essay competition in the area.  And, outside of school I loved to do electronics experiments, build things, and explore the woods.  After high school and during college, I would join a modeling agency for a short time, and worked my way up to be concessionist, usher, usher trainer, and projectionist at AMC.  Oh.. during my high school years, I joined the National Guard and went to Basic Training between Jr and Sr years of high school and career training after high school in Artillery.  Afterwards, I would leave the military for a while and just financially survive.  In my 2nd year of college, I would join a fraturnity and be on the Intra Frat Council, was a leader of a student union board activities committee, and was a youth director at a church.

Then, skip forward a while, I joined the Army active duty for a few years.  During that time, I was elevated to be the 1st Sargent's driver and would win Soldier of the Month for one month and get a couple battalion coins and Army Achievement Medal.

Coming out of the military, My child had severe ADHD that was cuasing problems and social isolation for her, so I homeschooled her for 7 years.  I don't know that I would make the same choice, again, but it gave us a lot of time, together.  That part I wouldn't change.  When my youngest was born, my ex had a post partum psychotic break, and for two years I was pretty much the only parent caring for my baby, while managing household needs and finishing not only my bachelor degree but my Master's degree.. eventually with a short period of my schooling for Elementary Education for a while in between, as well.  I would get hired for the IRS and work in Boston for a while.  After that time, I got my first divorce and came back to Oklahoma, where my family was.  I would work at first at Dillards and manage their furniture department for a few years, before getting hired to work accounting at IBM.  During this time, my ex had another psychotic break tied to her mania, and I would have custody of both of my children for years in Tulsa, and I have so many great memories of my time with them in this place.  I would also run several 5k's, which is something that I believe I want to train to begin doing, again.  I would also write several books under my own name and a female penname that I picked, as I felt that women would not read romance written by a man.  I would also write several inspirational books over the years, as well. 

From there, I would go to Florida, where my child went to be back with her mom, until my child graduated from high school, and came back to Tulsa to be near my family and for work.  I will stop at that point, because it is a good listing of my past without disclosing much detail of anyone else.  I forget sometimes just how many things I have overcome in my past and just how awesome my life has been.  It will continue to be awesome in the days and years to come. 

Accounting for Growth

I had the thought to do this blog post the other day, but I hesitated, because I could imagine how people would get it wrong and misapply it.  But, I do believe it is a worthy note to make, so I will do it with disclaimer.

I work in accounting.  I am not giving specific details about where or what I do and such.  But, I will say that I work in accounting and have for different companies and government and such.  The other day, I thought of something that I have seen there that applies to other situations, including healing and life.

At different times in different organizations, I have been faced with having to figure out something in a situation that I found myself that was new to me.  When I was originally given the task, it was SO hard to even comprehend.  I felt paralyzed by trying to wrap my brain around it, because it was just so much information to be hit with at once.  But, I pushed through and went on to the next challenge of learning and so on and so forth.

Time passed, and before I knew it I was facing the same situation, again.  However, this time, I had experience of understanding the situation and understanding of how best to manage my own response to the situation.  It was still a challenge, but it was much less of a challenge, and it took much less time to resolve it and was resolved in a much cleaner and more efficient manner.

So, why am I talking about accounting?  This same process is followed in anything that hits us in life.  At first, it is SO MUCH CHANGE and NEW and we feel brain and emotional strain just to try to keep a handle on it.  But, we push on... we learn,  we experience,  we figure out ways to process and to resolve it in a way that works.  And, there are so many of these types of experiences... not just romance but deaths, children issues, relocation, debt, and so much more. 

But, then, as we go through it, we pick up skills and knowledge.  Anyone that has dealt with any emotional issue knows that it never goes completely away, right away.  You will have echoes pop up along the way.  However, each time they pop up, it has less of an effect on you, because you have already learned how to think about it or feel about it, so it is easier to resolve and has less impact on your overall mood.

So, how am I afraid it will be misapplied?  I do not want you to feel that you should take the past and apply it, directly, to the future.  Do not take pains of the past or experiences and assume that future ones will be the same way and to respond to them in the same way.  No situation is completely the same, and what was wrong in one might be right in another context.  However, I DO believe that the process of SOLVING problems and processing things and maintaining emotional balance and confidence in your ability to thrive in the future IS something that it would be useful to remember and SOME things from your learning CAN help you guide your path more effectively.  Sometimes, it's not just things to avoid but the wisdom that you should say what you want and try more effectively.

I feel like I failed at making that disclaimer, but I do hope that you can understand the difference and apply the main point, correctly.  You might be feeling overwhelmed, right now.  Well, you have in the past in different situations that do not ruffle you, now.  You CAN and WILL get through this one, and life does get easier as you go along.  So, do not fear change.  Just bring with it the knowledge that will help you account for a much better and more peaceful journey, ahead. 

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It's a Big World

As I have lived in one spot or another, I have met people that have lived their whole life in one spot.  They had no idea of what kind of mentality that they would find in another location.  It reminds me of that quote that says..

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." 

It is often attributed to Einstein, but there is no evidence he is the source.  Regardless, it makes a good point.  Sometimes, we get so stressed and feel inadequate, because we are spending our time in the wrong pond.

However, it is not just true for living in one state over another or one country over another or even one city over another.  There are within each city a thousand cities.  When I lived in Tampa Bay, I wondered at the fact that you could move a half mile in any direction and the city felt like a completely different world.  That is true in many cities.  Indeed, you can go a tenth of a mile away or for that matter your next door neighbor.  They live near you and perhaps you interact at times.  However, their WORLD is completely different... social links, activities, interests, etc.

As I reflect back over my life, there have been so many different times that I felt that my life was one way or another, my social groups were these or those, my activities were this or that.  And, each of those realities in my life was real for me and thriving and felt like it would be that way, forever.  Then, things change.  And, the next one felt the same way.  Yes, over my life, I often found myself spending a lot of time in thought over the way things used to be, but all that did was keep me from being able to enjoy the way that things are, now.  You cannot go back to the past.  Even if you did,, it would not be the same, anymore.  YOU would not be the same, anymore.

I know that your life feels so real right now.  If you are struggling, it can feel like it will be that way, forever.  However, I promise you that if you just push forward, the days ahead will be a new story, and here is the secret.  YOU can hold the PEN.  You can write the foundation for your days by what you choose to believe and do and try and feel. It is a big world, and the same person can have an entirely different adventure and life, depending on what your mentality you choose to hold.  And, if you stay within your old world bubble, you may never find out that you are actually a genius and loved and empowered in another pond.  I am not telling you to abandon ANYTHING... not saying leave your job or move or make any rash decisions.  But, maybe you start to explore a little and meet new people and try new environments. 

So, I will leave you with that challenge.  This week, try something new and speak to someone that you have only begun to know.  You never know.  You might like the new themes in the story and the person they help you become.

Forward .. To .. Happiness

Periodically, I do a post to remind others and sometimes myself of the name and theme of this blog.  I began this blog a LONG time ago.  There has been a few times of my having deleted all the posts in times of wanting change but I generally circled back to the same themes, which I will discuss, here.  

FORWARD to happiness - Forward, because that is how we live.  It is not saying that there wasn't happiness in the past.  Indeed, you should have quite a lot of that in your memories and old pics.  I am not saying that you should not value that happiness, because I believe it is very important to protect the good in the past for the good that it was and not try to reframe it.  All of the things in your past were important in teaching you and growing you and just helping you to be.  However, we cannot continue to live there, because those days are no more.  You have to live in today and move towards tomorrow.  If you spend all of your time in the past, you cannot enjoy the present or future or be what you should be for yourself or others.  There is happiness to be had in this day and the days to come, both what you can receive and what you can give to others.

forward TO happiness - Life is a constant journey.  It is important to recognize that it .. and you... are constantly changing and evolving.  Yesterday was interesting, and tomorrow might be exciting.  However, today is the moment where you have to pick up the pen and start sketching or writing what you are experiencing and enjoying and feeling and thinking and living.  Today is the moment of exploration, where you do not have to have all the answers.  You will not.  In fact, today is the day where you get to find the answers by asking the questions of yourself and others.  It is also important to actually BE on the journey.. to leap from your hobbit house and say, "I'm going on an adventure."  And, it will definitely be an adventure.. some good and some bad but all learning and all real.  What a pity it would be to miss it by living "a life standing still" as the character says in Beautiful Creatures.  Finally, it is an adventure forward TO something, not running away from something.  Look for the positive and look up.  It can be a beautiful thing to see.

forward to HAPPINESS -  As I just said, look for the positive.  I am trying to do that more and more, though sometimes I fail.  Consider everything from the positive mindset.  Not... what am I avoiding but what can I gain.  Not... I don't like that but I do like THAT.  Not.. this is what I fear or dislike or tiredness or despair (even though it is important to let feelings flow through you and leave you) but this is what I believe or like or have hope to be and experience.  This is a new day, and tomorrow is not written.

So, I hope this blog post will remind you.. and me.. that you walk with your face forward, because that is where life takes place.. step by step, moving through life and experiencing today as you discover tomorrow.  I look forward to the places your journey will take you. 

A New Life

I have repeated a saying several times over two last few months, and it works very well with my post about grace, last night.  What I've said is that it used to that your whole life and yourself would be completely different in 7 years... then, it was 5 years... then, a year, and now it can be true in just 6 months time.

Yesterday, I did my blog post on the concept that we all fail and need grace and should remember that when others fail us, as we are all just trying to not feel like a victim of life, whether that be running into religion or making other life choices to feel more self respect, balance, and happiness.  So, we should forgive others for their own chosen methods to make that happen.

But, add to it what I led this blog post by saying.  They, also, are not the person they were in the past, and you are not either.  You have both changed, and life has changed.  It is literally a new world.  That old world no longer exists.

So, rather than spending all of our attention trying to relive days that are no more or hold bitterness for them, it is time to let all that go and move forward. Today is a new day and tomorrow is waiting.  Choose not to dwell on what is not and instead LIVE what is and make the days to come a new story built on what you have grown to become.  I think it is a much better way to live.

Grace - We All Do What We Need to Do

I've been in kinda a dark mood of late as I processed though things that I will not name, but I began to have more light in my processing (light in both meanings) from a very dark part in a very dark show season.  It was White Lotus, season 2.  I have not watched season 1, but each season is different and can be watched on their own.  I began this season a while ago but got sidetracked by other things that I was watching.  

First of all, it is not a positive and pure show.  It has amazing cast, but it deals with themes of infidelity, crime, drugs, and much more.  It also deals with things like hope, romance, self respect, and growth.  It is very well written.

But, anyways, in the final season, one of the characters says something that I found at first upsetting but then somewhat freeing with profound implications that I believe are very important for society to hear.  In it, one of the characters is presented with the possibility that her husband had sex with someone else.  She explains to the other person whose wife was involved that he didn't have anything to worry about and that maybe you didn't need to uncover all the mysteries of others, because you never really know what is in their mind or what they are doing, if you know that they love you Now, to be clear, I am not justifying people going around having affairs, and I do see the reaction as being calloused.   But, then she said, "I think you just do whatever you need to do to not feel like a victim of life."  

And, I mentally tossed that around and played with the concept for a while.  And, I believe, therein lies a great truth.  We all DO exactly that.  Whether it be religion or porn or living a bit wild or living absolutely pure and with devotion, we ARE all doing whatever we think we need to do to not feel like a victim of life.  We are all feeling emotional pains or struggles or more and then we find a path to feel balance and hope in the world, again.

And, now, apply that to others.  Here is the gem for society to learn.  Everyone in your life is doing the same thing.  They are feeling past pains and acting out.  They are responding to present pains and taking precautions.  They are finding ways to numb the pain and not feel alone and rejected and hurt.  So, maybe... instead of seeing how others treat us as a personal attack upon us we take the time to try to understand them in their own struggles.  No one is perfect, and we are all just trying to do whatever we can do to feel safe and move towards happiness, again.   

In my own life, I have made some strides to reconnect and make peace with others, but I want to expand that to everyone.  If anyone has ever acted in a way that hurt me... no matter what it was... I forgive you, and I am sorry to have added to your own pains, as well.  I want to apply that peace to anyone I have ever met.  You also had to do whatever you needed to do, and my hope is that we all find a peaceful and happy journey.. not in our perfection but in our mutual condition of needing grace for a life filled with moments lacking glory. 

Believe it or Not

People use the word believe alot, but as the man says in Princess Bride, I don't think that word means what they think it means.  Maybe it is because so many equate faith with a "perfect" god of one style or another, faith lately has taken on an air of passing an audit, first.   Once I have determined that you have passed all of my tests, then I will "believe" in you.  But, is that faith or evidence?  The Bible calls faith the "evidence" of "things not seen" or to put it in the terms of the Santa Claus movie, "Seeing isn't believing.  Believing is seeing."

 

And, therein lies the problem.  When people demand evidence for believing, you can never actually get to the evidence.  Because, it is when people believe in us at our low points that we can believe in ourselves and begin to rise.  It is the faith of the crowds that help teams to win games.  It is the faith in the poor that helps them to have the self esteem and self love to begin to take pride in their steps and go forward.

 

I have had faith in many at many times and have voiced that faith to them.  I've told people that I believe they are perfect for different jobs or will do well at them and stood with them, even when I did not get the same faith in me.  I have had faith in my children, even when they could not have faith in themselves and was not showing any evidence that would suggest they are improving.  I have had faith in myself, even when I faced trial after trial and condemnation and gossip by others that would choose to NOT have faith in me, and I would rise in that faith, not in spite of them but because it was always in my nature to do so.

 

As George Michael says, I gotta have faith, and I have faith in my future.  I believe that the things that I want will make its way into my life at the hands of others that have faith in me.  And, I believe the path to that end will not come by trying to prove to others that I have met their tests of evidence.  I never required that of them.

 

So, as we celebrate St Patrick's Day, look to your future, down a green beer, and look for the light to rise on your path, ahead.  I believe in you, and I believe you are able to meet and prosper the journey ahead. 

You Deserve to Be Here

There is a wonderful line in a movie that I used to watch for the holidays, each year... called The Holiday of all things.  In it, two of the characters are talking about life and that the woman is not acting like a leading lady of her own life.  She says, "You are supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God's sake."  Here's the scene.  Indeed.  Man or woman, you SHOULD be the leading character in your own life.  You deserve to have a seat at the table in your own life.  You deserve to be happy of your own life.  It's... your life.

I did a post a bit back about how recently I have been walking more upright with my head held high.  There are a few times that started to make me slouch in my walks or more, and I would notice right away that I was doing it.  It didn't feel NATURAL, anymore.  It felt like betrayal of myself, so I would lift my self up, steel my eyes forward, and march into what may come.  I would suggest that whatever you are facing in your life, you do the same thing.

Because.. you DO deserve to be a leading character in your own life.  If someone doesn't like who that is and doesn't want to be around it, they are in the wrong story, and you should not feel bad about that.  You should also not condemn them for being different.  They are the leading character in THEIR own story, and perhaps your stories just do not follow the same path, and that is ok.

You should never feel bad about being who you are.  You should never feel that you must change who you are to please others... in minor ways of common courtesy and respect or to work together as begets a civilized society, yes and you should always want to improve, but that is to improve as the best version of YOU, not another person that someone feels is better.

So, hold your head up high.  Think of all your good qualities and do things that help you to shine and be happy as yourself.  You deserve to be yourself.  God knows it took a long time to get to who are are, and the would be at a great loss to be without you in it. 

What is Love

Now, I have that song playing through my head... what is love... baby, don't hurt me.  

But, what IS love, and how can we know if it is true?  There are many different interpretations, and I am not about to assume authority to tell you what love is.  It means different things for different people in different attachment and personality styles.  All are valid.  But, I can describe what I believe love is for myself and some general concepts for observation of it.

What is LOVE... well the bible says of love...

" 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13 in the Bible.

Jesus says it is the Sum of the Law of God and the standard by which we are to live our lives, first to ourselves and then to others.

What is love to you, though?

To me, love is something that I give.. pretty much without control.  I see a need.  I care for the need.  I give for the need.  I see someone that I think is special.  I say they are special.  I admire their qualities.  

Love isn't really hard to do... but you DO have to DO it, or else it isn't love (as love is a verb) but is simply a theory for you.  Here's a hint.  Love doesn't do well when judged by logic.  It doesn't make sense and is not prosperous.  That isn't the goal.  I cannot count the times in my life that I chose the path of love for those that would reject me and which would bring me further poverty or lack for my giving.  But, I wouldn't change a single act or day of those moments.

When people say that they are "in love" what they often mean is that they feel really good about themselves.  Sorry to be so course, but that is the fact.  Their hormones are pumping, and they are exited about being able to be liked by someone else.  They are NOT actually thinking how they can help this person or give to them in need... you know.. the qualities of love.  Then, the emotions fade, and hard times come.  Suddenly, it isn't fun anymore.  THAT is the  EXACT MOMENT that you know if the love is real.  And, true love is worth it.

So, my hope of this post is not that you find love.  My hope is that you LOVE.  Whether or not others can receive it, is is the one good thing that we can bring into the world to create, and I hope that you will weild it to create a happy future for yourself. 

Follow Potential

We spend a very long time of our lives chasing shadows, don't we?  I know I definitely have.  In a recent Young Sherlock episode I watched, a character said that it's not that life is short but that we spend so much of it dking around.  I attribute that to hope, which is a good quality in small doses, but it is toxic if applied generously to unwarranted situations.

The Bible actually speaks on this a lot, even if those passages are often either ignored or twisted out of their on the face meanings.  Jesus calls us to observe the fruit of others, and an epistle says faith without works is dead.  There is a place for believing in something or someone above works, but ultimately there must be something observable for it to exist.  Scientists don't go about saying... well there's no observable sign but we're gonna believe it's there.  Accountants don't do that, either.

In my opinion, you are best to follow potential and ignore situations without it.  If someone isn't trying to show you they care and even moreso tells you not to try, believe them.  Follow their direction and move on.  Someone else is waiting to show you that attention and effort.  Besides, how could it ever last without the watering of affection and nourishment that even plants require.

So, I don't chase what doesn't show potential, anymore.  I keep my head held high, knowing my worth, and walk on.  Whether something better comes along or not, the observable fact is that you can't lose what isn't even there.  Clear your mind of that delusion and keep moving forward.

Improved Me is Still Me

 Over the last several months, I have done a lot of things to improve myself.  I took a period of time to reflect on things that I have done that could be improved, though not all things that I did were wrong.  I took some time to be brutally true about ways that my actions could have caused others difficulty, even if those things were done for good purposes and with different meanings.  And, I learned many ways that I could be a better person, even if only for myself... especially for myself in many cases.

However, one thing must be remembered in all of these things.  At the end of the day, improved me will still be me.  Improved me was never meant to become someone that works better with any particular person or type of person.  Indeed, falling in love with myself over the last several months has taught me that I need to be more careful about with whom I make deep connections and to be real about expectations.  Loving someone, quite honestly, is not enough, if personality styles clash, for example.  I have bought and lived the "all you need is love" mentality way too often in my life and have paid the price for that delusion.  The emotion of love fades, hormones decrease, financial or other struggles appear and you soon learn whether you had a firm foundation of loyalty, care, and the ability to meet each others' needs or not.

So, while I am making myself the best version of myself, it will always be a version of... myself.  I will still wear my emotions on my sleeve and want to express them in intimacy with the person that I will find.  I am keeping a lot of that off social media and blog posts, as relates to my own feelings and experiences, but that IS a reality of who I am as a person.  When I do find someone that I value and connect with in a deep way, I will want to brag about them, speak about how I feel about them, and especially speak about my love to them with words and gestures.  Not everyone can receive that, but I don't feel that I should have to give that up if it makes me happy to do so or to live with less joy in my life to keep it quiet.  I am by nature a communicator.. i.e.. writing in a blog right now, which I do often about things that I feel are important, so why would I not speak about a person that I feel is important. It would feel to me to be cheating them to be quiet about them but speak up about other things.

So, I just wanted to do a blog to mention that my poet and romantic personality will always be who I am, and I cannot and will not make myself even appear cold or indifferent, just to work with someone who might find emotions challenging.  So, yes.. I will be taking my time in my future connections and only reaching deeper levels with those with whom I feel I would be safe... as myself.. to be fully me. 

You Matter

This evening, I am feeling led to do this blog.  It won't be long.  All I want to say is simple and often overlooked.  You matter.  You are important.  The world is better because you are in it.

There has been many times in my life when I wasn't so sure about that, and feeling misunderstood, mischaracterized, or undervalued can take a toll on you.  It can suck the life out of you, and you are left feeling like the world is better off without you, but I can assure you that it is not that case.

You bring a spark into this world that was needed... is needed.  You bring a uniqueness that ONLY you can provide.  You may not always see the effects of your impact in this world, but they are there.  You are special, and the world without you would be less than it is, today... even if that effect was just to offend just the right people.. ha.

The world is much more than this lifetime.  The universe is much more than your life.  The real question is whether you will trust yourself to strike your true note and thus move the universe in the way that ONLY you can do.

Beyond that, it's not your responsibility or concern.  Just shine and have fun.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Live it. 

Raise the Bar on Yourself

I have had a mentality in the past that seemed right at the time and think there is a point in it for your self respect, but I think upon reflection that it is also damaging to your self respect.  Thinking it over fresh, I don't think I'd share the mentality, now.

What I used to feel and do was that I didn't want someone choosing me or liking me for superficial reasons.  So, I'd wear glasses or dress casual on many days or more.  I wanted them to like me for me and not for superficial reasons.  I thought this was supporting my self respect.  However, as I've been taking time to improve myself more and more.  I feel good when I look good or dress well... regardless of whether others notice.  I'm not doing it for them.

But, why CAN'T I do it for them, too.  This is a new way of thinking for me, so I'm exploring it.  Not everyone is meant to be your forever person, but they can be a fun part of your life or good to be in your life.  I don't mean it solely sexually, but to use that to make the point... I don't need to understand the lifestory of someone I see on porn, nor do people need to have a connection that lasts with a book or movie character for them to masturbate to that, either.

So.. to bring it back to being PG... if I can enjoy others for even just a conversation or friendly company or to admire... why should I fail at being the best I can be for them.  Making myself less to test their interest doesn't just send the message that I want someone that will love me at my worst but tells them that's all they should expect.. which I do not want to be true.

So, I will be doing more to improve my appearance and more.. for myself, first, but also because I wouldn't want to present less than my best to others.

Transition Chapter

Chapter: Present

 

The last chapter has ended, and this is your transition chapter of your life.  Anyone that has read any amount of books knows that stories do not go in a straight line.  There are rises and falls, switched settings, growth of characters, introduction of new characters or settings, returns of characters or settings, and so on and so forth.  However, when you begin the transition chapter, you are like... what is happening?  Who is that?  What does this mean?  And, what will happen, next?

Your past chapters were fascinating.  Weren't they?  If I look back over my life, I can see chapters of great pleasure or deep struggle or great learning, or life changes.  I can reflect on many different times that I thought.. this is the most important thing in my whole life, and this is the greatest joy.  I've also had moments that I look back and wonder how I survived those moments... more of those over my life than I care to remember.  I've lived in many different places, and I felt that all of them had things to teach me about life, and they did.  I've had different jobs from professional to service to more.  Again, each of them grew qualities in myself that I didn't know existed.  Indeed, especially as I get older, I am now quick to know that I do not even KNOW who I will be, where I will be, and how my life will look 10 years from now... 5 years from now... 1 year from now... shoot, 6 months from now.  

But.. that's future chapters.

This is your transition chapter.  This is your opportunity to change.  This is where you begin new things, make new connections, change your storyline, and introduce a plot shift...one you may not even undersand or know, right now. This is where you reflect on the past, hope for the future, but LIVE TODAY and learn from it.  Your life is neither a fairy tale or a tragedy.  Your life... your book's pages... are being written by every day's stroke of the pen.  So, why not make it interesting.  You don't have to please those no longer in the story.  You don't have to live up to old plot expectations.  You can do... whatever you want to do, and I would suggest that you do.  Have fun, and let that fun teach you about yourself and where you should be heading.

And, then... you will be ready for the next great chapter of your life. 

Get Real

On the path to happiness, we sometimes find ourself wearing rosy colored glasses or indulging unrealistic or unreal optimism about others, but it is very important to keep a clear head, and I want to talk about that.  I will not be referencing the past, because my focus of late is to be realistic about the future.  So, I will be talking about that and what I perceive to be key in a relationship, though you may disagree if it is not the same for you.  Not everyone is like me, and indeed not everyone is relationship ready.... or even relationship desiring... and that is ok, too.  You do you.

Today, I got an email from Match telling me that a hundred people are interested in me and that it was my move to act on it.  I was like... WTF?  So, I opened the email and saw that a hundred women had VIEWED my profile, and a few had sent likes.  Yeah.. that sounds more like it, since I am not very actively swiping on the apps, these days.  But, I thought that story was relevant to this post and point.  A hundred women viewing my profile doesn't mean a hundred women are interested in me.  It means a hundred women CONSIDERED me.  But, dating apps are built upon the premise that the great love of your life is right out there around the corner and that you are desirable to keep you coming back to pay them more money.

Now, I'm not saying I am NOT desirable.  I think I'm pretty awesome, and the right woman will think so, too.  But, not all women are able to see that, and not all women will work with me long term.. even if they DID think something about me was hot or great.  There are many other factors at work out there, and choosing to respond to someone just because they liked you is not a sign that something will remain.  So, I'm actually very picky, right now.  It doesn't mean that I am looking for my forever person in every profile I like or person I would date.  I cant know that without actually talking to them and dating them, but if someone else is that driven to find their forever person then they might bypass signs of misconnection and move faster than is wise... just because I showed interest in them.

And, it is important that it not just be about your interest in them, because you are worthy.  You are worthy for them to make the first move some days or ask how your day went or express interest in your interests or give you a love note or for them to walk over and just hold you and kiss you... just because they wanted to.  You are worthy that they chase you a little and make an effort to win you in the beginning and later.  That doesn't have to happen all the time, but it should be happening.  When there is conflict, you are worthy that they seek reconciliation rather than revenge.  You are worthy that they say how much they miss you, or they rub your feet just because you had a rough day.

As I enter the dating world, anew, it comes after a period of learning about myself and loving myself, and I am bringing that self respect and self love into this endeavor.  I will not be pursuing without being pursued, and I will not be pairing just to be a provider.  As I noted in a social media post some weeks back, I believe that if you base your relationship upon helping someone in need, you end up either having to always keep them in need or help them to the point that they no longer need you.  If that is all it is based on, it is unhealthy and temporary.  Instead, I intend to date someone that doesn't need me but WANT me ... for who I am, not what I can do for them.  And, I will be very real in determining if that is the case or not.  I will be looking and listening, and if it isn't evident to my senses, it is not there enough to maintain a connection.  Again, you may not agree, but not everyone will work for me.  If I never find that in this world that is often self focused, then I will have a fun time dating as a single person... for the rest of my life.. which is not a bad consolation prize.  Shows from Sex and the City to Friends and more show us thast dating doesn't mean mating.... it is a time of exploration, and I am ready to explore. 

Strike Your Note

 In Music of the Ainur by Tolkien, we read the following..

 "The next Theme had a sound unlike the others before it. It began quietly amid the confusion of the Second Theme, and sounded like the rippling of soft and sweet notes. It gained power and depth over time, until two completely different songs were being made. One was filled with "immeasurable sorrow", which gave it tremendous beauty, while the other was a loud, pompous theme playing in violent opposition to it. Nevertheless, this repetitive theme could not overcome the sorrowful one, and the latter merely took the former's greatest notes and "[wove them] into its own solemn pattern". The strife between the two themes caused the dwelling of Ilúvatar and even the Void beyond it to shake. At this point, Eru stood once more and raised both his arms, "and in one chord, deeper than the Abyss, higher than the firmament... the Music ceased"."

This is where we are in the song. There is a lot of instruments out there making their music.  Some are looking for unity of sound and harmony, while others are trying to drown it out with discord.  However, there is a purpose beyond the moment..

"The Ainur saw a Vision of what their song had created— "a World that was globed amid the Void... but was not of it". They saw the history of this World as it unfolded, and witnessed the part each had played in its making. Even the discords of Melkor contributed to the glory of this creation."

You may not understand it, and it has taken me most my life to see it. But, the dark notes matter.  Darkness has as bit of a part to play in the creation of your story and of you than does the light.  If you shelter yourself from it, you will find yourself less than half of what you could become.  It is easy to stay a sheltered child, but if you wish to actually grow and know the whole of what the world is and what your part is to play in it, you must be willing to understand the sad notes.  Then, you will understand joy.

You have a part to play in the song.  You.. yes.. even you.. have a voice to be used, an instrument to add to the song that has been going on long before you were born and will continue to do so long after you are just dust.  The universe is billions of years old and will continue for a billion more.  Best you can do is to learn how to play YOUR instrument to add to the song.