Improved Me is Still Me

 Over the last several months, I have done a lot of things to improve myself.  I took a period of time to reflect on things that I have done that could be improved, though not all things that I did were wrong.  I took some time to be brutally true about ways that my actions could have caused others difficulty, even if those things were done for good purposes and with different meanings.  And, I learned many ways that I could be a better person, even if only for myself... especially for myself in many cases.

However, one thing must be remembered in all of these things.  At the end of the day, improved me will still be me.  Improved me was never meant to become someone that works better with any particular person or type of person.  Indeed, falling in love with myself over the last several months has taught me that I need to be more careful about with whom I make deep connections and to be real about expectations.  Loving someone, quite honestly, is not enough, if personality styles clash, for example.  I have bought and lived the "all you need is love" mentality way too often in my life and have paid the price for that delusion.  The emotion of love fades, hormones decrease, financial or other struggles appear and you soon learn whether you had a firm foundation of loyalty, care, and the ability to meet each others' needs or not.

So, while I am making myself the best version of myself, it will always be a version of... myself.  I will still wear my emotions on my sleeve and want to express them in intimacy with the person that I will find.  I am keeping a lot of that off social media and blog posts, as relates to my own feelings and experiences, but that IS a reality of who I am as a person.  When I do find someone that I value and connect with in a deep way, I will want to brag about them, speak about how I feel about them, and especially speak about my love to them with words and gestures.  Not everyone can receive that, but I don't feel that I should have to give that up if it makes me happy to do so or to live with less joy in my life to keep it quiet.  I am by nature a communicator.. i.e.. writing in a blog right now, which I do often about things that I feel are important, so why would I not speak about a person that I feel is important. It would feel to me to be cheating them to be quiet about them but speak up about other things.

So, I just wanted to do a blog to mention that my poet and romantic personality will always be who I am, and I cannot and will not make myself even appear cold or indifferent, just to work with someone who might find emotions challenging.  So, yes.. I will be taking my time in my future connections and only reaching deeper levels with those with whom I feel I would be safe... as myself.. to be fully me. 

I'm Intense

 Back when I did dating apps and answered questions on some of them, I remember one question that I always hated answering.  It asked if I was carefree or intense.  Now, I have always WANTED to be more carefree, and it was true that I have learned, especially lately, to let things go and accept life and have diverse interests and such.  And, I would often check mark the box for carefree, because I was just imagining it from the other side with someone thinking ... oh great an intense person that will wear me out, because that has been the reaction I have got from some more carefree individuals.  

However, I am intense.  If you really think about it, intense is very similar to intend, and it wouldn't surprise me to be the same word origin.  When I do ... well anything... it is because I intend to do it.  And what I intend to do, I usually do it passionately.  Carefree to me seems non-commital and has an air of pretense.  I'm not knocking you if you are more carefree or have a different perspective about it.  I would assume that those that are more carefree WOULD see it differently and probably have a more peaceful life.  However, for as hard as I try, I cannot just do anything without first having a core desire for doing it, and I will spend a long time afterwards analyzing my own actions and statements to learn from it for the future.

So, for example, when I am involved in a romance that I have accepted (I have to test it first before opening up), it comes with gifts, flowers, gestures, romantic talk, physical touch, and more.  When I accept a job, I learn all that is necessary to master it, work at it harder than others, and am always concerned about the outcome of every task for which I am assigned... even though in the life long run, it doesn't really matter.

I think that like introverts being made to feel broken by extroverts, the intense are portrayed as bad by many that often then complain about not being able to find someone of depth or empathetic or affectionate.  So, among the other things I am reclaiming about myself with the attitude of I don't care if you like it or not, I'm going to confidently and passionately enjoy my intense side, as well.