To Thine Own Self Be True

The popular Shakespeare quotation "to thine own self be true" has valid and important meaning in being true to who you are, despite the pressure to be something else to others.  However, I think that it could have a different meaning that is perhaps more important.  To paraphrase it, as if it were a modern day translation of the Bible that paraphrases passages into common language style, I think you could say that you need to be REAL with yourself.

I've recently decided to get more active on dating apps and in pursuit of a relationship, again.  I don't say that the period of self focus wasn't important.  I think it was VERY important and is something that anyone should do to find personal balance and love for self, before entering into a relationship.  However, I was sitting at home one night, and I reflected on my life over the period of my being single.  Very often, my focus was on the past or on myself or on my growth,  How should I view the past, I questioned and ultimately decided to accept it as the good and the bad that it was, appreciate and learn from it (including my own mistakes) and to move on from it.  

However, the bigger realization that hit me was that in all that time of personal reflection, there was no one sending me messages of concern when I was in a storm or just because they thought of me.  No one was sending romantic messages or flirting in any way.  I had friends and family but no romance in my life... and I realized that I missed romance.  I missed being romantic and being romanced.  I missed the spark of interest and exploration, mixed with the pit in your stomach of risk of vulnerability.  Yes.. I missed even that, and none of it has been happening.  Being real.. or true.. to myself is admitting both that I desire it and that it is not happening.  Even my own attempts at the past were refused, which might have been a good thing, anyways.  So, as the basic laws of science would tell us, things at rest stay at rest, unless a force acts upon it to ... move.  If nothing happens.. nothing happens.  And, so I am beginning.

I will not chronicle my dating adventures, but I did think it was important to note the beginning, because I believe too many are still so focused on the past that they are missing out of what can happen in the present or the future, and I love myself enough to not let that happen with my potential for happiness.

So, be real with yourself, and look forward to what may be.  As I have noted and quoted from time to time from Beautiful Creatures, "Anything is better than a life standing still."  Good luck in your own adventures.  May we all find joy in our paths as we venture forth. 

Improved Me is Still Me

 Over the last several months, I have done a lot of things to improve myself.  I took a period of time to reflect on things that I have done that could be improved, though not all things that I did were wrong.  I took some time to be brutally true about ways that my actions could have caused others difficulty, even if those things were done for good purposes and with different meanings.  And, I learned many ways that I could be a better person, even if only for myself... especially for myself in many cases.

However, one thing must be remembered in all of these things.  At the end of the day, improved me will still be me.  Improved me was never meant to become someone that works better with any particular person or type of person.  Indeed, falling in love with myself over the last several months has taught me that I need to be more careful about with whom I make deep connections and to be real about expectations.  Loving someone, quite honestly, is not enough, if personality styles clash, for example.  I have bought and lived the "all you need is love" mentality way too often in my life and have paid the price for that delusion.  The emotion of love fades, hormones decrease, financial or other struggles appear and you soon learn whether you had a firm foundation of loyalty, care, and the ability to meet each others' needs or not.

So, while I am making myself the best version of myself, it will always be a version of... myself.  I will still wear my emotions on my sleeve and want to express them in intimacy with the person that I will find.  I am keeping a lot of that off social media and blog posts, as relates to my own feelings and experiences, but that IS a reality of who I am as a person.  When I do find someone that I value and connect with in a deep way, I will want to brag about them, speak about how I feel about them, and especially speak about my love to them with words and gestures.  Not everyone can receive that, but I don't feel that I should have to give that up if it makes me happy to do so or to live with less joy in my life to keep it quiet.  I am by nature a communicator.. i.e.. writing in a blog right now, which I do often about things that I feel are important, so why would I not speak about a person that I feel is important. It would feel to me to be cheating them to be quiet about them but speak up about other things.

So, I just wanted to do a blog to mention that my poet and romantic personality will always be who I am, and I cannot and will not make myself even appear cold or indifferent, just to work with someone who might find emotions challenging.  So, yes.. I will be taking my time in my future connections and only reaching deeper levels with those with whom I feel I would be safe... as myself.. to be fully me.