Disposable Culture Post Matured

One of my FB memories I shared on social media was screenshots of a post I did many years back.  While I think it makes a still true general theme and good points, I do feel that I've matured since it and can do it in a more accurate and efficient manner.  So, here goes...

What's old, and what's young?  What is new and what's old?  A lot of these distinctions have begun to blur and fade, as the youth return to things that was popular in my younger days, and the older people can definitely be showing a lack of maturity and we see examples of that on a daily basis, it seems.  Age gaps in dating used to be frowned upon, and now there's reality tv shows about it and examples from celebrity couples.

So, my post must divert from how it was written, prior.  In that post, I'd suggest age was one factor in why people break up.  But, that aspect aside, the rest is ptetty sound.  What I said was that in our culture we are taught to look for flaws and not good characteristics or qualities.  So, it is easy for people to look for flaws and once found to use that as the defining item for the whole person,  disregarding the rest.  And, if that is the judgment standard, people will move from experiment to experiment, enjoying it til a flaw is found and then moving on to the next one.

But, I do feel that a few disclaimers must be made that I failed to note in the past.  While I do not think we should be looking for flaws, I do think we should be looking for love and respect and happiness.  Some situations are toxic and others are simply a mismatch of needs and abilities.  I don't say those should be ignored.  Some can be addressed and moved past.  Others are roadblocks.  So, there are exceptions to this post.

That said, we DO live in a disposable culture that looks for flaws and discards upon them.  Many dating profiles I used to see when I used the apps would read like a recipe of requirements.  If you failed to meet all of them, you were disqualified.  Yet, if you write such a list, you are basing the future on the past, and some of my best experiences have come from adventure into the new.

So, when the society pressure to find fault comes into your mind, keep in mind your own faults and maybe extend a little grace and show more curiosity, instead.

It's a Big World

As I have lived in one spot or another, I have met people that have lived their whole life in one spot.  They had no idea of what kind of mentality that they would find in another location.  It reminds me of that quote that says..

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." 

It is often attributed to Einstein, but there is no evidence he is the source.  Regardless, it makes a good point.  Sometimes, we get so stressed and feel inadequate, because we are spending our time in the wrong pond.

However, it is not just true for living in one state over another or one country over another or even one city over another.  There are within each city a thousand cities.  When I lived in Tampa Bay, I wondered at the fact that you could move a half mile in any direction and the city felt like a completely different world.  That is true in many cities.  Indeed, you can go a tenth of a mile away or for that matter your next door neighbor.  They live near you and perhaps you interact at times.  However, their WORLD is completely different... social links, activities, interests, etc.

As I reflect back over my life, there have been so many different times that I felt that my life was one way or another, my social groups were these or those, my activities were this or that.  And, each of those realities in my life was real for me and thriving and felt like it would be that way, forever.  Then, things change.  And, the next one felt the same way.  Yes, over my life, I often found myself spending a lot of time in thought over the way things used to be, but all that did was keep me from being able to enjoy the way that things are, now.  You cannot go back to the past.  Even if you did,, it would not be the same, anymore.  YOU would not be the same, anymore.

I know that your life feels so real right now.  If you are struggling, it can feel like it will be that way, forever.  However, I promise you that if you just push forward, the days ahead will be a new story, and here is the secret.  YOU can hold the PEN.  You can write the foundation for your days by what you choose to believe and do and try and feel. It is a big world, and the same person can have an entirely different adventure and life, depending on what your mentality you choose to hold.  And, if you stay within your old world bubble, you may never find out that you are actually a genius and loved and empowered in another pond.  I am not telling you to abandon ANYTHING... not saying leave your job or move or make any rash decisions.  But, maybe you start to explore a little and meet new people and try new environments. 

So, I will leave you with that challenge.  This week, try something new and speak to someone that you have only begun to know.  You never know.  You might like the new themes in the story and the person they help you become.

Forward .. To .. Happiness

Periodically, I do a post to remind others and sometimes myself of the name and theme of this blog.  I began this blog a LONG time ago.  There has been a few times of my having deleted all the posts in times of wanting change but I generally circled back to the same themes, which I will discuss, here.  

FORWARD to happiness - Forward, because that is how we live.  It is not saying that there wasn't happiness in the past.  Indeed, you should have quite a lot of that in your memories and old pics.  I am not saying that you should not value that happiness, because I believe it is very important to protect the good in the past for the good that it was and not try to reframe it.  All of the things in your past were important in teaching you and growing you and just helping you to be.  However, we cannot continue to live there, because those days are no more.  You have to live in today and move towards tomorrow.  If you spend all of your time in the past, you cannot enjoy the present or future or be what you should be for yourself or others.  There is happiness to be had in this day and the days to come, both what you can receive and what you can give to others.

forward TO happiness - Life is a constant journey.  It is important to recognize that it .. and you... are constantly changing and evolving.  Yesterday was interesting, and tomorrow might be exciting.  However, today is the moment where you have to pick up the pen and start sketching or writing what you are experiencing and enjoying and feeling and thinking and living.  Today is the moment of exploration, where you do not have to have all the answers.  You will not.  In fact, today is the day where you get to find the answers by asking the questions of yourself and others.  It is also important to actually BE on the journey.. to leap from your hobbit house and say, "I'm going on an adventure."  And, it will definitely be an adventure.. some good and some bad but all learning and all real.  What a pity it would be to miss it by living "a life standing still" as the character says in Beautiful Creatures.  Finally, it is an adventure forward TO something, not running away from something.  Look for the positive and look up.  It can be a beautiful thing to see.

forward to HAPPINESS -  As I just said, look for the positive.  I am trying to do that more and more, though sometimes I fail.  Consider everything from the positive mindset.  Not... what am I avoiding but what can I gain.  Not... I don't like that but I do like THAT.  Not.. this is what I fear or dislike or tiredness or despair (even though it is important to let feelings flow through you and leave you) but this is what I believe or like or have hope to be and experience.  This is a new day, and tomorrow is not written.

So, I hope this blog post will remind you.. and me.. that you walk with your face forward, because that is where life takes place.. step by step, moving through life and experiencing today as you discover tomorrow.  I look forward to the places your journey will take you. 

Curiosity and Wonder and Peace

Without giving any particular personal details, I do want to talk in general about where I am and how I am feeling in my mentality shift.  It will not be critical of others or reference the past more than to generally reflect on how I used to think about things compared to how I currently think about things.

I used to feel that since I valued love that the highest form of existence was to be in a relationship, so I felt that it I wasn't in a relationship that it meant that I was in a state of being broken, and I felt.. even when I was content on being single and on my own.. that ultimately that full healing would come after I resumed love with someone.  I know that many feel the same way, and I know that it can be possible to be healed and in a relationship and happy.  However, even then, I believe that seeing anyone as the source of your healing only gives them the power to rip open that wound at any time and puts the key to happiness in someone else's hands, as well as giving them too much responsibility or blame or credit.

This time processing has taken a different feel and depth to it than has in prior times.  I feel that I touched on the ways that I am feeling at different times in the past, but I feel that this transformation has been more... evolutionary... becoming the next level of what I was meant to be.

For example, it took me a while to want to use dating apps, again.  However, when I did, it has been accompanied by a lack of respect for them, as I have seen how the dating apps have so many risks and flaws.  I don't approach them as the solution but as a way to see interesting people.  And, more importantly, as I have taken time to fall in love with myself and my interests, I approach the dating apps and scene as a distraction to my already happy life.  I am not opposed to using the apps or having conversations, but they are just another way to interact with people and experience life.

Similarly, I have started using MeetUp app to get out of the house to do events.  For those that don't know, it is not a dating app but is a way for people to look for events that others are doing and to join them and to meet interesting people and have fun without the pressure or anxiety of meeting others or being good enough for them.  You can just be blatant and fully yourself and have conversations with people that you may not ever talk to again or will just develop friendships with them.. both genders.  I have met the most interesting people over my years of doing it and learn things that I never knew, before.  These things are ways to help you go grow and become what you like, as you learn what you like, too. 

In years past, I met people that lived on house boats or came from other  cities and visited other countries that I have never been and knew little about.  Recently, I heard some very interesting things about Vietnam and Cambodia, but I have also learned things about my own city that I never knew, as well.  And, I had fun.. a lot... and it wasn't tied with whether I was good enough for anyone or walked away from there as other than being single.  It almost makes me want to remain single to keep doing it, in fact.

So, I am not posting this about not being in a relationship.  That can be very good, as well.  But, I am posting this to say.. don't rush it and even when you do start dating and get in one, take into it the curious person full of wonder and peace that you met and became, along the way.  Or don't... I don't have power over your life and should not.  I'm just openly speaking what I have come to understand, personally, along my own path.

The Adventure Ahead

I'm sure we all remember that line in The Hobbit when his neighbors asked him where he was going and Bilbo shouted back, "I'm going on adventure."  Typically, the adventures of our life are not met with such enthusiasm.  Most of the time, an adventure is more like someone facing a scary and unsure future, but they know they must move ahead and face new experiences.  Even if you know that doing so is best for you and is better than "a life standing still" to quote Beautiful Creatures, it is stepping out of your comfort zone and the walls that were erected to protect you.

I'm slowly stepping back out into the dating world.  I do not intend to comment on how I am single or my past and will not reference my experiences in my posts about dating.  But, I have been learning several concepts in my experiences and my time apart to reflect and grow.  I didn't exhibit all of them all of the time in the past and have made and learned from a lot of mistakes as well as joys.  But, how else do you.. can you... learn but from venturing forth and paying attention to how things go and feel both inside you and outside you.  So, I hope as we venture forth, together, we will find our happy paths.

1.  The first thing that I think is very important for you to know is this.  You do not need a relationship.  If you feel that you do, I would say that you have not spent enough time alone to learn to love yourself and find happiness in yourself.  In my opinion, the point of a relationship is not to find someone that will love you but to  ind someone that you can share out of the love that you have for yourself to them, as well.  It was only after I took some time to explore myself and love myself and allow myself to BE myself that I found the balance and stability that I often sought in another.  I would recommend that you do the same.

2.  Boundaries.  People have been speaking to me about boundaries for a long time, and I have not fully understood or appreciated them to the degree they deserve.  More importantly, I have not ERECTED or ENFORCED boundaries as often as I should.  Not everyone is designed for your closeness, and you are not designed for the closeness of everyone, else... maybe as a friend but not necessarily more.  This is where it is important to use your mind to rule your heart.  Your heart doesn't like to be stifled, and it will often rebel thinking that emotion is more real.  At least that is how some people like myself can often feel.  But, the heart that feels that can lead to difficult to impossible situations.  It is important, I have learned, to say no at times, even if you feel something, to avoid a logical obstacle, roadblock, or source of friction.  So, boundaries are not just limits you place on others but more often limits you place upon yourself.  And, it applies to dating in that you should take your time and not go quickly that seem or feel right.  Take your time and be willing to walk away and be accepting if they do.

3.  Be curious.   Not everyone is going to be like you, and that is ok.  Not everyone is going to be what you are used to dating, and that in my opinion can be better.  You will see them as a fresh adventure and not a repeat of anyone else.  However, the point of dating someone is not just to experience new things, just as the point of a relationship is not just to care for someone in need.  You can do both of those things as a friend.  The point of a relationship is to find a partner to walk beside you, on good days and bad.

I have a lot more I could say, but that is enough for now.  I am giving advice as I have come to see it, but I will quickly say that I do not know enough and have much to learn.  So, if you disagree with what I say, that is fine.  You might be right.  But, I hope what I DO say will help someone else, along the way.

Your Best Days Could Be Ahead

I will have no personal events or people from my life in this post.  They are not really needed to make the point, anyway.  I, just like you, are experiencing life and learning as I go along.  The only reason I do this blog is to provide help or thoughts as I find my way    in hopes that it can help others whose events might not be the same but the advice can help us all.

I've lived a long life.  There has been ups and downs in various stages of it.  They haven't been the same stories or even involve the same people.  Some of my challenges were financial, some health, some relationships, and more.  Each time... in the moment.. I felt like THIS IS IT... THIS is the point of my life or the hardest challenge or the greatest joy or whatever.  I fell sway to the temptation to believe that what I was experiencing in that moment was the most important part of my entire existence.  Then... things changed.  New story lines emerged.  New realities appeared, and the story was different but felt just as important.

I don't want to minimize the story in any chapter of your or my life.  It was that it was in that time, and that story's joys and sorrows will remain.  But, we often forget that it was just one chapter in the story... in a book that is far from being complete.

So, this post won't be that long, but it makes a very good point that is important to remember.  Wherever you are in your story, there are many new chapters to come with new characters, different experiences, and you in fact will change, as well.  Whatever good moments you had in the past, it is important to remember (it definitely is for me) that your best days could be ahead.  So, explore yourself and feel your way through the journey you make, not knowing what that story will look like.  Bring your love of yourself into those days, and make it an adventure worthy of being in the book of your life.