Popcorn

When I first started cooking popcorn in a pot on the stove, I was so unsuccessful.  I was shaking the pot, adjusting the temperature, and ending up often times with a lot of either burnt popcorn or unpopped popcorn.  I felt that this shouldn't be so difficult.  So, I asked a friend for how they make popcorn, and they said that they just put the popcorn in the pot and set it at a specific temperature and walk away til it is done popping.  So, I tried that and was just like they said and taught me an important lesson.  Sometimes, less attention is more important.

It is counter intellectual, as it says that you need to take your hands off of something to make it successful, but I have found it to be so in so many aresas of our lives.  We THINK that we need to stay in control and manage everything to make sure that it comes out how we want. And, do not mistake me for saying that planning is not important. It is VERY important to be intentional in your planning, if you intend to actually get anything done.  However, the phrase that a watched pot never boils come to mind.  It is an area that I have come to understand and apply much more in my own life.

You see... life NEVER goes according to plan.  Often, it will be because you need to learn something or grow or change or adapt to new information or desires.  However, regardless, life itself requries that we change to meet it, rather than the other way around... even in areass that are leed by a desired outcome.

Hope is not specific.  It doesn't say that it must happen exactly this way and exactly this time.  Hope says that I know a general outcome, and I am very curious how it will in time manifest.  Until then, it is a wonderful, guarded secret.  But, I will say this and touch back on the other point that I watned to make from watching Spiderman Brand New Day.

You should always be you.  You should not act like you are only behaving to get an outcome.  Don't question if your actions are ok in order to please others.  BE you.  Love others.  Take the time to be the special person that you are and to do the things that are important to you.  It does not matter if that is validated from others.  There was another scene from Spiderman Brave New World where aunt May was cautioning Peter that he is a special child that has a good heart, and people will want to take advantage of that, but he should never stop being special.  It is what makes him amazing.  The Ted Lasso season finale that just ended had a similar theme at the end.  How others receive your care is not a prerequisite for actually doing it, or as I have said for years... the outcome has nothing to do with the intent.  If you love, love.  That is the end of the reward.

I don't know who might need this message, tonight, but it was driven to me to blog, so I hope it benefits, someone.  Have a good evening.

Changed

Doing a lunch break blog on a few thoughts that I had from watching Spiderman Brand New Day, yesterday.

There was a scene between the two characters when the main guy character was telling the main woman character about his love for her, after she found his letter to her that he never sent explaining how he had caused her to forget him to protect her.  After he gets done speaking his deep emotions, she says that she was grateful for what he chose to do but that she didn't love him and didn't even remember him.

I thought this was a good segwey to talk about changes that we all go through.  It is never that dramatic.  We don't lose the memories that we have of someone, memories that we should protect for the good that they were when good; but, we all change as we go through life, as the Doctor Who scene says that I have so often cited on this blog.

Indeed, I have been growing and changing a lot over the past year and feel that I am a much better person than I was a year ago and desire to continue to improve in all areas of my life.  However, in all of those changes, I am no longer the same person that I was when I was with my last relationship partner.  I am improved but also as a result different... different attitudes regarding religion, different ways of making choices, different hobby focuses, and much more.  As I reflected on that in the movie theater, I realized that she was not the same person that I knew, either, because we all grow and change all the time.  

Indeed, I have already noted this as related to how it impacts my desire to reconnect to my kids.  I love my memories with them, but my kids are different people, as I am also.  It does not change my desire or duty to be in their lives and to help them navigate through life or to experience their futures.  But, it will be as new people in both cases.

So, that is the point I wanted to make in this blog post.. well one of two but the other goes in another way and I am out of time.  So, this will do for today.  Just remember as you look to memories of care or memories of disappointment that the people in those memories likely no longer exists.  Our duty in life is not to recreate the past but to improve in the present and move towards a future of happiness and coninuous growth.  Looking back no only hinders that but is in truth entertaining present fiction.

Life Expands

I think that we have developed an episodic concept of life changes, due to our society nature of entertainment books and shows and such that eventually ends and then something new comes along and suddenly all of the past is forgotten.  So, we get into this mentally purge process that dumps prior connecctions from past stages.  

That said, I haven't ever really been good at that.  If you were to look at my social media, you would find people there from a LOT of past stages... people from my high school, college, different jobs, social media groups connected with life changes, family, and more.  Not all people that I knew from those past stages are still in my life, but there are many from a lot of them.  Why?  I don't believe in mentally purging people from my social media, just because they are no longer physically a part of my environment.

Life is also now not as tied to what is physically around you as it used to be.  I have had times when my social media connections were my strongest connections that helped me get through many things, and I helped them.  Unlike the social media definition of "friends" I try to actually be a friend to mine, if they are likewise making an effort to be in mine. Plus, most people are only a flight away, nowadays.  If I am hard at work and make time for a friend or family every few months, what is the difference if they live in my town or fly into my town or me into theirs.  Moving is only an address in regards to connecctions.

Life is not a story that is told and then is over.  Days, weeks, months pass and then people get together and the story continues.. or it does simply by a message.  In this life, nothing is ever really over, until we are.  Life does not get replaced or shrink, unless we let it do so.  Indeed, some of the lost connections of which I am trying to repair came because of lost efforts to keep the connection going.

So, this blog post is simply to say that if you think that you are ever alone or have lost connection to others, it might be a faulty perception or lack of effort that is causing that to be so.  Your life should not stay in the past, but that does not mean that the past cannot come with you into your new chapters.  

May your life keep growing and expanding, and if you are ever feeling alone send me a message.  I will be there for you.

How to Move Forward

Personal experience. There is a place for mourning and finding acceptance in the crisis stages, but don't get stuck there. There is a time to say the past is the past, and it does not exist in the present.  We are all evolving, and we are changing. I have noted in the past on the blog that who we are as a person seems to reset in much faster periods than in times past.  In 6 months, your reality shifts from where it was in the past.  It does not mean that the past was not worthy of its part in your story.  Quite the contrary.  It was a domino to lead you forward.  However, who YOU are and who others are has so shifted in 6 months that who you remember yourself to be does not exist anymore, and who others are does not, either.

This does run somewhat contrary to my posts about how something was true in the period of history in which it happened and will always be true in that period.  That is true.  But, we all evolve.  We all shift.  I have noted in years past that the best we can hope is that we evolve in the same direction as others in our lives. However, change happens, whether we like it or not.  

So, when you really understand that, you come to understand that anyone you would  blame, no longer exists.  And, the person you would defend, no longer exists.

In theology, there is a distinction between soul and spirit in saying that the soul is our depth and meaning and legacy and personality, which is always changing.  Yet, our spirit is life, and it is always changing... by its very nature.  It is growing and living and becoming and adapting.  It is not permanent but contributes to the permanance.

So, in moving forward, you need to undersand that yesterday is gone.  Treasure or challenge, it does not exist, anymore.  Today, however, is always adaptable to whatever you learn and process and know to be true.  Today, is the canvas of tomorrow.  It will always include elements of the past, but it is always being written... always unfinished til you draw your last breath.

So, the purpose of this post is simply to say, your story is not done.  Don't fight to resurrect the past.  it no longer exists.  Don't hate.  Don't defend.  Don't let the past hold any sway on you at all.  Live today..... LIVE today.  And, let that inform you as you guide your way forward. 

And, tomorrow will result.  I believe in tomorrow, and you will learn it is the entire purpose of life for you.  I know you will find amazing adventures there.

The Bright Side of The Dark

I think sometimes we miss the opportunity to follow opportunities, because our mindset is still stuck on things out of our control from the past.  When the reality of the situation is that there is a bright side to everyhing, even the things we think is dark.

I think a good way of approaching it is to begin with the statement... if I HAVE to, then... and then follow that statement with a positive alternative or quality.  If I have to exercise to get fit, then I am going to run races and buy workout gear I like.  If I HAVE to work, then I am going to enjoy my paycheck.  If I have to be single, I am going to enjoy my single life.  If a situation or environment not pleasant, there are so many ways to change that, as well.

In any moment of our lives, we choose our perspective and our response.  What does it benefit us to think on things that are lost, when we can use that same time to prepare for what is to come.  I know that some things and people were important in the past, and those memories are good to have.  I love my time with my kids, for example.  And, there could be happy days with them in the future, as well.  But, right now, they are not present.  So, if I HAVE to live that reality, I am going to enjoy my days on my own, til and if they are part of the story, again.

Life happens, and so much of that life is out of our hands.  But, there is so much that is in our power to affect and do, as well.  So, whatever has happened in your life that might feel dark only makes it easier to see and follow the light, until you find your own bright side of life.  And, I hope you love where it takes you.

I Love Me

I have had songs in my playlists over the years about loving yourself and reshared many posts on Instagram and Facebook about it over time.  However, I have not had many posts about myself loving myself, so I am going to do that for this one as a reminder and an example, as well.

Loving myself should not be seen as an excuse to say that others should love me for these reasons.  I am not everyone's cup of tea, as they say.  If we are all individually unique and diverse, what would appeal to one will be challenging to another.  Nor should it be seen as a justification for objectively bad behavior.  Part of loving myself includes a very active self analysis that is always trying to improve.  You cannot improve if you are unable or unwilling to challenge yourself and admit where you have flaws to address and opportunities of growth where you made poor choices.  But, after those disclaimers, I will go into the things I DO like about myself.

I love that I am curious.  I am interested in learning, even when it corrects me.  Information and truth is and has been very important to me in my life.  

I love that I have a deep mind.  For some people that can be difficult, and I get that.  I wish at times that I could be more carefree, and I am working on being moreso.  But, that said, I can entertain my mind for hours trying to understand deep concepts and human existence and more.

I love that I am dedicated.  Sometimes, I can be too dedicataed to things that I need to let go and move forward.  That would be a flaw for me to work on.... because sometimes for example, I can find myself trying to make one accounting task work to the exclusion of meeting deadlines for the bigger picture.  But, it also means I can go months in fitness without much change visible, before the changes start to happen and keep going till I reach a goal.

I love that I am creative.  I can't paint in a great way, and I wish I could play music instruments, well.  However, I love to make music playlists.  I love to write, and sometimes I will write something in a different way or on a different topic just to challenge myself and see if it can be done.

I love that I have a caring heart.  I would say that I love that I have a caring heart, even after all the pain.  But, one really does not stop the other.  The pain exists BECAUSE I have a caaring heart, and it is care which heals the wounds, especially care for myself.

I love that I am objective.  As the sherrif says to some rebels in the current season of Silo that I am watching to prepare for the new one, "I am not for you or for him.  I am for the law."  That is close to how I am, only I would say that law in that manner for me is objective truth, and it also explains why I am so often clashing with people of all political parties that have an issue with one observation I make or another one or on issues of religion, education, relationships, identity, and more.  I take great interest in trying to undestand things... see above... and then I use that observation to determine things without consulting a group or seeking their approval, all while being able to change if the information so presents itself to do so.

I love that I love things that feed my soul like sunsets, pictures, books, music, art, beaches, the breeze, beauty, delicious foods, and more.  My life may have many challenges over my decades, but it can never be said that I didn't live.

There are more things that I could say, but I am going to take myself to watch a movie, where I will have a few strong drinks and enjoy myself.  I hope  you have a good evening and weekend.

To Thine Own Self Be True

The popular Shakespeare quotation "to thine own self be true" has valid and important meaning in being true to who you are, despite the pressure to be something else to others.  However, I think that it could have a different meaning that is perhaps more important.  To paraphrase it, as if it were a modern day translation of the Bible that paraphrases passages into common language style, I think you could say that you need to be REAL with yourself.

I've recently decided to get more active on dating apps and in pursuit of a relationship, again.  I don't say that the period of self focus wasn't important.  I think it was VERY important and is something that anyone should do to find personal balance and love for self, before entering into a relationship.  However, I was sitting at home one night, and I reflected on my life over the period of my being single.  Very often, my focus was on the past or on myself or on my growth,  How should I view the past, I questioned and ultimately decided to accept it as the good and the bad that it was, appreciate and learn from it (including my own mistakes) and to move on from it.  

However, the bigger realization that hit me was that in all that time of personal reflection, there was no one sending me messages of concern when I was in a storm or just because they thought of me.  No one was sending romantic messages or flirting in any way.  I had friends and family but no romance in my life... and I realized that I missed romance.  I missed being romantic and being romanced.  I missed the spark of interest and exploration, mixed with the pit in your stomach of risk of vulnerability.  Yes.. I missed even that, and none of it has been happening.  Being real.. or true.. to myself is admitting both that I desire it and that it is not happening.  Even my own attempts at the past were refused, which might have been a good thing, anyways.  So, as the basic laws of science would tell us, things at rest stay at rest, unless a force acts upon it to ... move.  If nothing happens.. nothing happens.  And, so I am beginning.

I will not chronicle my dating adventures, but I did think it was important to note the beginning, because I believe too many are still so focused on the past that they are missing out of what can happen in the present or the future, and I love myself enough to not let that happen with my potential for happiness.

So, be real with yourself, and look forward to what may be.  As I have noted and quoted from time to time from Beautiful Creatures, "Anything is better than a life standing still."  Good luck in your own adventures.  May we all find joy in our paths as we venture forth. 

It Is That It Is

I'm going to step off the boundaries subject to touch on an adjacent one, which I have noted from time to time.  It is a good fit, here.  I've said a lot of this in the past, but for the same of flow I am just going to say it, again.

When I got a job in Boston, years ago, I kept hearing a phrase repeated there, and I hated how much that I heard it.  People would say, "It is that it is."  On the balance scale of the Serenity Prayer, I have always tended more on the side of "change the things you can change" and not on the "accept the things you cannot change," though as I have grown older I have begun to acknowledge much more in life that we cannot or should not change and have begun to learn to accept that, more often.

Because the fact is that there is much in our lives that cannot change, especially parts that involve other people.  Indeed, you should not expect that anyone else should change who they are for you.  Even in situations where I knew that personality styles between people would clash, I just see that as a sign of finality, because I would not expect someone to change who they are for me, just as I wouldn't expect them to expect me to change who I am for them.  It just..... is that it is.

What you CAN change in those situations is where the adjacent boundaries come into play, and I will note that for just a minute.  You cannot change how others will treat you, but you can change your proximity or closeness of them, if they are not able or willing to make the effort for you.  Your personal boundary can stand on your self respect, when others do not respect yourself.

But, there is a lot that you can change, and the first and most important thing that would fit this category is your mindset, your direction, and your focus of hope.  Your mindset, because if you are still expecting things from things that have not given you reason for that hope, you are not basing your expectation on reality.  There must be... works.. to quote the bible.. for something to be alive.  Your direction, because as I noted in a meme that I shared once, recently, your past does not need you but your future does.  Finally, you can change the focus of your hope, and by that I do NOT mean that you pick someone else to throw your hope behind.  There will be people that are worthy of a "trustfall" as Pink's song says, but I mean the source of your hope is best suited to be within yourself.  So, I will end this blog post with an animated song that communicates this well, so go watch it after reading this.  it is from Frozen 2, and it can be watched by clicking the link, here, Show Yourself.  You are the person you have been looking for.  So, rise and shine. 

Life and Death

I have been reflecting on the past, some, over the past several days.  To be fair, baseball season began, and that was something that I did a lot with the person to whom I was engaged.  And, this weekend is the floral event at the local museum, which I also did with her.  Things like that are bound to trigger old memories, just as I see memories of thing I did with my kids when I do all kinds of things all around town.  It doesn't mean that I have to tie those things to that person.  Indeed, I did both of those things BEFORE I ever knew her, also.  That was just the last year of doing them, so it brought forth those memories.  However, the only way to get past that is to keep experiencing those things to build new experiences at those places, again.

However, between that and the significance of this weekend, there has been a lot of philosophical and emotional processing that is happening.  Why this weekend?  Really... it's metaphorical.  This is Easter weekend, so as per tradition (adopted from Pagan traditions but I'll let that go for now) today is the day that Jesus died, and Sunday is the day that is used to celebrate his resurrection into new life.  It's not 3 literal 24 hour periods, yet the church calls it three days... but.. I'll let that go, too.  As per tradition, this is the day of death of the past, and Sunday is the day of birth of new life.  I'm gonna go ahead and jump forward towards the new life, as the Full Moon cycle has already begun for this year and month, which is significant of new birth and growth.

There is a phrase that I heard many years ago, and I hated it when I heard it.  However, later, I would come to accept that it was important.  Today, I heard a co worker say the same thing.. they hated it, but it was true.  The phrase, which is also echoed in We Bought a Zoo (amazing movie) is that it is that it is.. or it isn't that it isn't.  Put a pin in that for a minute.

A long time ago, I was working through a personal philosophy that was meant to tie together science and religion.  In it, I was very focused in one part of it with the definition of life and death.  Life.. I said... was activity.  Atoms were alive, as they were moving.  Something that was dead had less activity in its molecules and less electrical signals in its brains.  Activity was life.  Less activity was more towards death, which was a spectrum of life and death, based on activity.  In that viewpoint, if something had no activity, it was dead.  Indeed, religion echos this.  James in his epistle says that "faith without works is dead."  You had to have activity for something to truly exist.

I say all of that to say this.  If there is no activity from past things.. no one reaching out... no one making an effort.. whether that be relationships, family, friends, or more.. then those connections are dead.  If there was new activity, it could be new life, but the past life is dead, and why spend your time focused on death, when you are alive and have the potential to create new life around you.

Indeed, as we enter into Easter weekend, I am less interested in acknowledging past faults, which I already do in order to grow, not to gain absolution from guilt, than I am in looking forward to the potential that exists in new life that can exist.  It is time for my stone to roll away, and it is time that I come out into the light, like Jesus or the citizens of the City of Ember.  

Life is ahead of you, or as the main character says in Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporiam (a wonderful movie), "your life is an occasion.  Rise to it." 

Ask Why

There is a wonderful scene in Ted Lasso that I have in my most recent Youtube playlist where Ted is playing darts with his boss's ex, who underestimated his ability.  Ted gives this speech about being underestimated most of his life, and he says that he finally understood that their problem wasn't with him but was because they were judgmental, not curious, because a curious person would ask if he had played darts, which he had.

So many people are quick to make snap decisions about someone or even worse to make determined judgments about someone and then to so commit to that judgment that they will not only not waver from the judgment but will invest in making sure that others hold the same opinion and to point out enough flaws to justify their condemnation, as well.  You see this on both sides, politically, and it is one reason that I withhold endorsement from either side, as I have seen both do it.

But, to move off of politics or even personal interactions, it touches on a bigger factor, and that is that in order to really make wise decisions in this life and to grow, we must develop a habit of asking... why.  WHY did that thing happen in my life?  WHY do I respond the way that I do?  WHY am I not reaching my goals?  WHY am I failing at my attempts at dating, friendships, work life balance, hobby success, finding peace, finding joy, BEING joy and peace and love to others, and more.  If you do not ask, you will not change.  If you do not change your way about doing things from your patterns, you can only expect the same results.  I routinely evaluate the things that I am doing to determine if there is a better way of doing it, and I intentionally surround myself with people that disagree so that I will get all sides of an issue and to have someone to tell me things that I don't want to hear.  How else can you grow, if you only listen to those that are like you.

So, this week, I would simply say this.. ask why... ask it about yourself. Ask it about your habits.  Ask it about your opinions.  Ask it about your choices.  Ask it about the things that others accept without question.  And, ask it about things that have no bearing on you at all, if only to truly understand another person or the world in which we live.  I look forward to the wonderful world that you will discover within you and outside you.  Have fun.

It's a Big World

As I have lived in one spot or another, I have met people that have lived their whole life in one spot.  They had no idea of what kind of mentality that they would find in another location.  It reminds me of that quote that says..

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." 

It is often attributed to Einstein, but there is no evidence he is the source.  Regardless, it makes a good point.  Sometimes, we get so stressed and feel inadequate, because we are spending our time in the wrong pond.

However, it is not just true for living in one state over another or one country over another or even one city over another.  There are within each city a thousand cities.  When I lived in Tampa Bay, I wondered at the fact that you could move a half mile in any direction and the city felt like a completely different world.  That is true in many cities.  Indeed, you can go a tenth of a mile away or for that matter your next door neighbor.  They live near you and perhaps you interact at times.  However, their WORLD is completely different... social links, activities, interests, etc.

As I reflect back over my life, there have been so many different times that I felt that my life was one way or another, my social groups were these or those, my activities were this or that.  And, each of those realities in my life was real for me and thriving and felt like it would be that way, forever.  Then, things change.  And, the next one felt the same way.  Yes, over my life, I often found myself spending a lot of time in thought over the way things used to be, but all that did was keep me from being able to enjoy the way that things are, now.  You cannot go back to the past.  Even if you did,, it would not be the same, anymore.  YOU would not be the same, anymore.

I know that your life feels so real right now.  If you are struggling, it can feel like it will be that way, forever.  However, I promise you that if you just push forward, the days ahead will be a new story, and here is the secret.  YOU can hold the PEN.  You can write the foundation for your days by what you choose to believe and do and try and feel. It is a big world, and the same person can have an entirely different adventure and life, depending on what your mentality you choose to hold.  And, if you stay within your old world bubble, you may never find out that you are actually a genius and loved and empowered in another pond.  I am not telling you to abandon ANYTHING... not saying leave your job or move or make any rash decisions.  But, maybe you start to explore a little and meet new people and try new environments. 

So, I will leave you with that challenge.  This week, try something new and speak to someone that you have only begun to know.  You never know.  You might like the new themes in the story and the person they help you become.

A New Life

I have repeated a saying several times over two last few months, and it works very well with my post about grace, last night.  What I've said is that it used to that your whole life and yourself would be completely different in 7 years... then, it was 5 years... then, a year, and now it can be true in just 6 months time.

Yesterday, I did my blog post on the concept that we all fail and need grace and should remember that when others fail us, as we are all just trying to not feel like a victim of life, whether that be running into religion or making other life choices to feel more self respect, balance, and happiness.  So, we should forgive others for their own chosen methods to make that happen.

But, add to it what I led this blog post by saying.  They, also, are not the person they were in the past, and you are not either.  You have both changed, and life has changed.  It is literally a new world.  That old world no longer exists.

So, rather than spending all of our attention trying to relive days that are no more or hold bitterness for them, it is time to let all that go and move forward. Today is a new day and tomorrow is waiting.  Choose not to dwell on what is not and instead LIVE what is and make the days to come a new story built on what you have grown to become.  I think it is a much better way to live.

Transition Chapter

Chapter: Present

 

The last chapter has ended, and this is your transition chapter of your life.  Anyone that has read any amount of books knows that stories do not go in a straight line.  There are rises and falls, switched settings, growth of characters, introduction of new characters or settings, returns of characters or settings, and so on and so forth.  However, when you begin the transition chapter, you are like... what is happening?  Who is that?  What does this mean?  And, what will happen, next?

Your past chapters were fascinating.  Weren't they?  If I look back over my life, I can see chapters of great pleasure or deep struggle or great learning, or life changes.  I can reflect on many different times that I thought.. this is the most important thing in my whole life, and this is the greatest joy.  I've also had moments that I look back and wonder how I survived those moments... more of those over my life than I care to remember.  I've lived in many different places, and I felt that all of them had things to teach me about life, and they did.  I've had different jobs from professional to service to more.  Again, each of them grew qualities in myself that I didn't know existed.  Indeed, especially as I get older, I am now quick to know that I do not even KNOW who I will be, where I will be, and how my life will look 10 years from now... 5 years from now... 1 year from now... shoot, 6 months from now.  

But.. that's future chapters.

This is your transition chapter.  This is your opportunity to change.  This is where you begin new things, make new connections, change your storyline, and introduce a plot shift...one you may not even undersand or know, right now. This is where you reflect on the past, hope for the future, but LIVE TODAY and learn from it.  Your life is neither a fairy tale or a tragedy.  Your life... your book's pages... are being written by every day's stroke of the pen.  So, why not make it interesting.  You don't have to please those no longer in the story.  You don't have to live up to old plot expectations.  You can do... whatever you want to do, and I would suggest that you do.  Have fun, and let that fun teach you about yourself and where you should be heading.

And, then... you will be ready for the next great chapter of your life. 

Respect the Pain and the Past of Others

So... this was actually the blog that I felt most compelled to write, earlier.  But, it is less rosey and is something I am working on in myself, as well.  But, as I am watching the end of the new Bridgerton episodes, I find myself drawn to complete the blog.  So, here it is.

We all carry around pains and challenges from our past.  In some cases, those pains can transition, so you are able to carry them in another way.  However, I do not believe that they ever truly go away.  I do believe that wounds between people can heal in a way that reconciliation can happen, even if that reconciliation is different than before.  But, I believe that it is only possible by respect for the wounds of the past and in such way that they are not repeated.

Lately, I have shown some liking of a show of a comedian that acknowledges some of the same cynicism that I have of organized religion.  And, I will do my best not to bring that cynicism to this blog post, but it is important to note that this cynicism is not recent and is long standing, based upon a long list of mistreatment and neglect by those in religious positions or those who were religious.  Again, I want to emphasize that it is not recent, even if it can affect my perception of those that are religious.  I do not want to allow my past to characterize those that are religious, today.. even when I see similarities or further things happen to irritate that scab from the past.  I can and have tried to ignore it and be overly optimistic, but that would not be real and based upon enough evidence to overcome that past.. not yet.  And, there are many such examples of contemporary religious hypocrisy and judgment out there in the world, so it is not something that is imagined in my mind.

I only say that to say this.  I have a past with religion that should be respected by someone that would care for me, just as they should respect my past with past emotional wounds... religious or otherwise, even as I should also be someone that respects that in others.  There is no.. well, they just need to hurry up and heal.. ever.  Wounds change you, and the person that exits on the other side is not the same as the one that entered.  It is not possible to just pretend that that never happened.

So, this difficult blog post is only here to say this.  If you care for someone, you will respect their full nature.. you will love the person that exited the wounds, not giving an expectation that they will return to being without them.  If they are dark or hardened, the cure is not for them to suddenly be rich of hope and to be able to be like you.  Care for them is to care for their darkness, or you never really cared for them... themselves.. at all. 

Thoughts and Tips on Moving Forward

I want to keep this as general and free of personal details as possible, but I think I have some valid thoughts and tips on moving forward to share with others.  At least, I can say that they have helped me to be able to do so.  I have, unfortunately, had multiple periods in my life that I have needed to reset and restart from different kind of challenges, not just romantic but the principles apply.  So, I hope this helps you to have an easier go of it than me learning it.

The first thing that you need to know is that it is that it is.  You need to look at it objectively and factually, because your emotions will be telling you all kinds of things and leading you into dark paths of trying to establish who to blame or what this says about life, God, fate, and much more.  You don't want to hear this when you are considering it, but... your experience isn't unique to you.  You are not being singled out to be cursed.  If it happened more than once, it is not necessarily a character defect.  You are not being punished.  It is just change.  It was change that brought joy into your life, and it is change that takes it away.

While it is important to consider things and learn, as we go through life; it does not mean that you necessarily did something wrong to venture down paths that did not remain or to love those that would ultimately not be in your life, anymore.  The moments were good, and you were good to feel the moments and to show love to another and to be passionate about the happiness that you were feeling.  All of these are good qualities about YOU.  And, you need to be able to forgive yourself for taking the risk and opening up in order to be able to do it in the future, again.  You also don't need to trash the other person or rewrite the good days into bad ones to be able to move on.  I know that happens to be the trend in our society, but it is not healthy and not valid or honest to do so.  Returning to the first point, it is that is is, and it was that it was.  The good that you had in that moment and that you saw in others was good in that moment and will always be so, no matter how we try to re-frame it.  Accept that the good was good and that it is over.

And, when it is over, let it be over.  While it is possible for things to resume and reset, that becomes harder and harder as time goes without effort on both sides.  Returning to objectivity, if there is no foundation upon which to revive it, you have to let it die.  This is a principle that also applies to much more than relationships.  But, change happens, and we change and grow.  Life becomes a new story that is happening around you, and you cannot keep living in days that no longer exist.  It will only detract from the peace and balance you can have for your current days.  Sometimes, also, things change into new or redefined connections that can be better than they were originally, since everyone is growing.. hopefully.

In growing, it is important to focus upon yourself.. not trying to change to convince someone that has rejected you or to learn how to put on a better image for others.  That is just a continuation of the problem.  It is important to learn who you are at your core, become the best version of that person that you can be, fall in love with that person, and learn to shine as that person, simply by allowing others to see you happy being yourself.  This true note will filter out those that are not meant to be in your life and attract those that will be.  This is a natural process, and you do not have to take a hand in trying to control it.  Whatever happens was meant to happen.

So, I hope that these reflections and tips will help you in finding your feet for a happy future, no matter what change happened in your life. 

Focus on the Good

 "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” - Dr Seuss

This quote is something that I have had a lot of experience with in the past with regards to my wonderful time raising my kids.  Those memories are etched forever in time, pics, and my mind, as well as Facebook memories, very often.  It also applies to my wonderful romance of this year.  Though that is over, it was objectively one of the best times of my life, and I will forever be grateful for the opportunity to have experienced it.  I gained so much and changed so much in my experience with her that I will carry with me into my future paths.  I hope to maintain a connection to her to have future grand memories in the future, as friends as well.  

 However, as I reflected on it all over the past weeks, I realized something that is true by extension.  There is something good to maintain from so much of our lives that we often just sweep under the rug, because those relationships, connections, locations, and more have passed out of our minds.  This week I watched The Arrival, because I remembered the plot that has similarities to Interstellar, as well.  Time passes, and we feel that reality flows with it.  So, if something is not in the present, we conclude those things are no longer worthy or true or real.  We often mourn the loss of those things.  There is some real motivation for the mourning, because we no longer will be experiencing those things.  However, that moment.. those times... had value.  We were happy in them and did grow from them.

I am not saying that they should have remained.  Some things go and some things remain.  Some things just change.  Everyone is responsible for their own path, and no one should be judged for how they choose to live it.  Some people in our past were intentionally harmful to us, and that is something that definitely should not remain.  But, I can think of good experiences and times in each of the states I have lived and with many of the friends I had over those times that were lost to distance, distractions, political differences, and more.

It is easy to feel that your life was either good or bad by focusing on different elements of your past.  If you only look at the outcome of things, it will tend towards bad, because those things have ended.  But, if you focus on the good moments, even in the things that no longer remain, your life can be seen as full of joy.

So, that is my challenge to myself and one that I would give to you.  As things change and hardships come, look for the good.. not only in what remains but what happened along the way.  Be proud of yourself for taking changes and the joys you brought into the lives of others.  Smile at the good chapters in your story, and take faith in yourself that happy chapters will happen, again. 

Feel Your Feelings and Then

Feeling your feelings is important.  It is important to value the feelings of others.  Everyone's feelings are valid.  

Life has taught me that life changes. When life changes, we think we have to understand it to respond to it.  The reality is that we can never fully understand our path or why it changes.  That does not mean you shouldn't have feelings.  But, I would caution you against letting the feelings have the driver's wheel.  

Many times... most times in my experience... this is where you have the most power over your life.  There are pressures on you on how to respond. There are not only emotions but societal norms on how to respond.  Well, the last time I've noticed, society is messed up, and hormones often cause more problems than they resolve.

I am someone that defends freedom, but I've also in the past posted on how true freedom is freedom from yourself... from those natural responses that try to write our script.  After a long life, I've determined that script is rubbish.  So, whenever something happens, I try to pause... reflect.. and then respond appropriately to what I desire for the outcome, not necessarily for my emotional response or even in my own self interest, always.

So, when something happens, I would recommend you feel your feelings offline.  Put away your phone.  Process.  Reason. And, then respond.  I think that is a better chart to a happy outcome.

Evolution

So, I'm putting this concept together in my mind, and I thought how can I best frame it to offend the most people possible.  Kidding... I didn't, but as evolution is a good word for it .. I'll use it.

People spend so much time in their lives trying to "discover" themselves and "be" themselves.  That is a good thing to do to prevent you from living a life based on others and find their own desires lost in the process.  However,  what they often mean is the self that they identified years ago and desperately try to regain.

In a Dr Who scene I've quoted SO many times over the years, we have Matt Smith leaving his time as the Doctor, and just before he ends,hr says this...

It all just disappears doesn't it? Everything you are, gone in a moment like breath on a mirror.

Any moment now, he’s a coming, The Doctor and I always will be. But times change and so must I. We all change, when you think about it.

We are all different people all through our lives and that's okay, that's good you've got to keep moving so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.

I've been prepared for times changing, but what took me more by surprise was that I was changing with it.  Things I once wanted, I find I do not... and things I thought I didng like I find that I really do.. in the right context.. with the right person... with the new me that grew up over time.

There are in multiple myths gods or statutes of gods with multiple faces. Indeed, the God of the Bible is one way in one section and another in another.  Some would say this violates the idea that God is one and only one God.  But... I can be kind and loving to someone and be defensive and protective against another.  Both are me, and what face they see is what face they earn from me by their actions.  Over our lives, we've crafted different faces.. different ways of responding to people, and what characteristics come forth depends on the environment... much.. like.. traits of successful species in the course of evolution.  When you are in a safer environment, you might find parts of you are free to exist and find things you like that didn't exist in a threatened one.

My point is simply this.  Be patient with yourself as you grow and change and keep your definition of what is "you" or your desired outcomes open.  You just might not have been prepared to understand and want them, til you find a safe space to open up and bloom new buds of change.

Just Be

Do you know how change happens?  If you're like most people, you think it happens through conflict.  I've believed that, many times.  Don't get me wrong, there is a conflict element to it, as it happens.  But, conflict is not where the CHANGE takes place.  Change takes place as one person at a time just... changes.  Whether or not others criticize it is irrelevant.  Then, someone else sees your change and feels more willing to change...and so on and so forth.

The thing is, though... they don't follow your example for your fight to be accepted.  They follow your example MOST when they see you happy and content.  Your critics KNOW this, because their biggest story about you to themselves and others is that you're unhappy if you are not married, Christian, straight, or any other variation from their prepacked existence.  Their biggest FEAR is not that you'll fail but that you'll succeed and be happy without the story, because that makes them question their own acceptance of the packaged life, as well.

But... that's not our problem, and it's not our intention.. and should not occupy our minds, just because others bitterly defend... themselves.  Our focus should be, instead, making our lives as happy being ourselves as possible, which will in turn create the biggest change in the world we leave in our wake.

Storm Fronts

I like Thunderstorms.  When I lived in Florida, I missed them. Yes.. Florida gets rain and an occasional Hurricane, but there's nothing like when one air mass comes in contact with another and war ensues as they compete for who will remain, afterwards.

It's kinda like that in my life, lately.  I put in the work to enact positive change, and that kicked off my own conflict of storm fronts in my mind and being.  Do I believe in and enjoy the new or rumble over the old. 

It's not an easy choice, and to some degree both must remain.  But, at some point you have to stop condemning yourself for what you lost and enjoy what you gave in yourself to gain.

So... rumble on and bring the change.  I may struggle with accepting the new, but even I know there is only one way to find happiness after loss... by creating something new for a happy new life.